Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

March 14, 2015



March 13, 2015

2007 – 2011 – 2015

I didn’t realise it was that long.

2007 I was 35

2015 I will be 43

Then: drinking, clubbing, dancing, gossiping, fitting into vintage clothes, no cat(s), getting over a divorce, getting over being mental, having intense relationships, casual sex. There was the phase with lameatnames.com the internet porn gallery and sex blog. Travelling meant DJing, getting drunk and hooking up with some hot or grotty or both guy.

This continued until about 2011.

Then I didn’t feel like writing about any of that stuff any more. I met someone very special and I wanted to keep it all private. I had cats who couldn’t read the internet and I wanted to hang out with them. I had a niece and nephews who can read. I also figured a client from a brand in one of the luxury groups did not want to accidentally happen upon a photo of my anus. I also don’t feel that great about posting so many pictures of myself on the internet because I got fat. I remember making jokes about getting your fingers covered in sauce after eating fish and chips saying “It’s like sticking your fingers up a fat girl” (actually I think it was Nick and Ben who actually said it) and now I am the fat girl. On the flip side, I own a great company and fingers crossed it will continue to do well.

So now 2015, no promises but I think I might start having a go again. And no promises the anus won’t come out. 43 or not.

November 19, 2011


I am more there than there these days. I want to keep writing about food, but don’t think it is the most savoury of reads when pictures of my vajayjay or someone else penis in the form of an engraving covered in pustulant boils interspersed with HML keep popping up.

YOU CAN FIND ME HERE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


September 13, 2011


From: Mayor of London [mailto:mayor@london.gov.uk]
Sent: 13 September 2011 17:01
To: emma@hellobonjourwillkommen
Subject: RE: MGLA110811-5912 I have never told you before, but this is what I would like to happen.

Dear Ms Davidson

Thank you for your correspondence concerning the riots in London.

The Mayor is grateful to everybody who has taken the time to write to him with suggestions or comments on the terrible events that took place. Whether it has been to voice support, raise concerns, suggest reasons why it happened, or ideas on how to prevent this happening again in future, it has all been welcome.

As I am sure you can appreciate people have been very vocal, and rightly so, but as a result the Mayor has received a larger than usual volume of correspondence. Please be assured that each case has been read and he has been kept informed on the issues raised. However, it therefore makes it impossible for him to respond to every one in detail.

We can come back from this, we can rebuild and repair the areas worst affected. Indeed, the Mayor has already announced a fund to help do exactly that. We must acknowledge the tragedy of these riots and learn from them, whilst at the same time recognising the good that there is in London. This was shown by the widespread support during the various clean up operations, and through the help and encouragement given to local shop owners and individuals who have been so badly affected.

We will now take the time to reflect on and review what has happened, and the subjects you have raised with the Mayor will form part of that.

Thank you again for writing.

Yours sincerely

Anita Xxxxxx
Public Liaison Unit

Am I being ungrateful? I think this letter is really lame, doesnt speak to me as an individual, does not address anything about why it happened – only what happend. And whoopie do!! It is nothing to do with him with the widespread community support – that has been used here to pad out what has been done like he thought of it. The Mayor didnt think of it. People did it.

Please correct me if I am raeding this wrong. I am so disspointed.

In other news, Glenda Jackson wrote to me to thank me for writing to her about Trident. Did I? I dont remember unless I signed a petition for Katharine Hamnett backed when I worked for her in 2008. So I think not – surely that is too long ago? Oh no hang on a minute – my letter has been stapled on top of another letter – identical to mine – except it contains all her personal details – and then stapled after that is son long report in letter form – pages – that I never requested. Oh dear. The Goverment have failed me miserably in the postal front as well. They cant even get the basics right – HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE. No wonder they cant get a job and have to get themselves elected so they can embezzle funds etc to pay the bills.

Last but not least, here is a little picture to cheer up my friend and partner in crime Valeria. She knows why.

August 29, 2011


After getting into trouble recently for retweeting this: http://youtu.be/Hu_MhgIFDGM which has got to be one of the most horrific things I have ever see – abhorrent to every sense (Forget they cysts – they don’t have floor length dreads) I fear another rebuke for discussing blogging about this movie I watch recently as part of a self help / self therapy program.

Abstinence from blogging should reveal (and then the things I write about when I do) that I have been having bad mood vibes, trouble coping, worrying about losing my place in the world. Unfortunately my usual therapy: hours of back to back CSI, Law and Order and Criminal Minds is not available. And really my problems feel a lot more spiritual – rather than relaxing my mind, I need to know who I am and where I am going. So the other day I was reminded that Javier Bardem, although now a little marred by marrying Penelope Cruz, is one hot mother and set about collecting all the more recent moves he played in to watch.

This is how I came across the movie Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts as a writer who has lost her way. And then she does some scenes at the end with Javier Bardem who was so unattractive to me at the point in the movie as my spew button was so firmly pressed I would only be able to barf, not bang.

By the way, I dont think there could be more of a spoiler for this movie, than the movie itself but if you havent watched it yet and are absolutely dying to, I will be discussing the plot in the post. So if I havent turned you off it enough, by saying the movie is really shit, I advise stop reading now.

So Eat Love Pray as I said is the story of a writer who loses her way in her marriage and sets off around the world to discover herself. Funnily enough the original story for this movie was written in a book by an author who had lost her way, was sleeping on the floor of her bathroom and set off to find herself around the work – going to Italy, India and Indonesia. There is a little clue there – I I I. That is to say Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts. If you want to see her carrying a yoga mat having spiritual dilemmas this is it. There is a lot of Julia Roberts going on about I I I. As an excuse for breaking up with people, stuffing her face with pasta, getting the shits or photocopying a book in aid of and Indonesian man.

So I watched the whole thing. Watched Julia Roberts pretend to meditate and make a young floor scrubber the person she dedicated her prayers to so she would have a happy marriage after her arrange wedding. I watched Julia Roberts tell another woman that she has no interest in being obese but that we should love our muffin tops. And then my own meditations began. If I was the kind of person who would want to go off to India and meditate would I find this so gut churning? Why am I not the kind of person who is really interested in yoga and meditation when so many other people get so much out of it? What is this feeling in my stomach troubling me? Where does this saddness come from? Some of the stuff in this movie is actually quite nice wisdom? But who is the chump who paid for this movie to be made? I could imagine Tom Cruise sponsoring a movie following his religious persuasion. But isn’t Julia Roberts a scientologist too? What is religion.

So in front of this diabolical movie I wound myself into some profound analytical thinking. By the end of the movie I was crying my eyes out when Julia Roberts told Javier Barden she wouldnt go to the island with him. Is this movie the reason why I wanted to dump Anthony that day? Or was this movie the reason why I decided to snap out of it? It doesnt matter.

On that day, something happened. My mind freed itself from the usual thoughts that get turned over and over like a cement mixer churning sand and concrete.

So where am I going with this post?

I cant even remember myself. A company claiming to be 3 keeps calling me. Today I picked up and they congratulated me on being a good customer and that I would get an upgrade on the phone. Trying to sell me a SAMSUNG. Then I twigged it was a scam when he mentioned something about a new phone and a new number. That number is blocked now. But anyway all that happened in the middle of this.

But probably I mean to say even in total bullshit false smiles and a lot of taking different names of Lords in vain I would say going by Julia Roberts meditations, there is still some essence of truth and beauty. In the same breath I could say that when life is shit, make lemonade. Which I new already, but it is nice to get reminded of it else where every now and then.

On an entirely separate note: Bai Bai Charlie. I hope you are free from all your aches and pains now and have two eyes instead of one. xxx

August 17, 2011


Nothing hurt me more than making a bad cake. And this is one of the reasons why I always have more than enough eggs, flour, caster sugar etc. But in this instance the cake was a wreck before I even started – I don’t like them, they don’t taste that great, the icing is always too sweet and I can taste the chemicals in the cake for the colour – RED VELVET CAKE. WHY? Who came up with this stupid idea to have half a chocolate cake flavour dyed bright red?

So I was making a cake for work – it is not only horrible to start with, it is overcooked, the ends all cut off, the icing full of crumbs, all while I was stewing over this guy I went on a Guardian Soulmates date with who used to sign of messages like this:


and other such variations.

I got a text from someone called P. Pip? Paul? Philippa? Phil? Pippa? Like talking to me like they are my mate.

? : Hi, I hope you are well and having a nice Summer. P [should have known my friends all wouldnt have bother to start with Hi.]
Me: Who is this?
? : Hi Emma, it’s Pail [so I was thinking who is their Scandinavian with that number. I have no clue who this is. Seriously though, what a typo. Calling yourself bucket.]
Me: Sorry I didn’t have your number in my phone. What have you been doing? [fishing for more clues...]

In between times I googled the phone number and found out who it was. Guardian Soulmates date 2 or 3. I dont remember. The one with the bad turn ups and the Magic mushrooms I think was after this so it must be number 2.

? : I did not mean to spook you Emma. We dallied with the idea of dating a while back. Guardian I believe, Paul.
Me: You didn’t spook me at all. Yes I remember having a drink.
[He infact had two drinks - a pint of beer and a pint of water. He sculled both, went to the loo, came out and remembered he had to get back for a circuit class at the gym. The end.]
?: Ah… Good. It was quite a while ago. How are you keeping? PLUS — > A bonus picture of him sitting outdoors on a rock.
Me: Well clearly I joined a nunnery and devoted myself to god after out date…
?: Oh no…..ah well

The desperado who was obviously bored at work and going through his phone to contact me .

And the thing that makes me the maddest of all: I CURSED MYSELF WITH THIS REAPPEARANCE!! I was going through a friends linked in page the other day and saw him and made a joke to my friend about him. So basically my own fault.

But that fucking cake. I have red colouring on my hands, all over the cookbook, up the wall, cake crumbs everywhere, Hobart isnt even touching the cake. I hate this cake.


I [knowlingly] at my first sharon fruit today. Also known as persimmon. Pretty nice – a cross between apricot and mango I think.

Later today I am going to try making cucumber jelly.


August 14, 2011


There have been two desserts made in this house which have acheived Booyah status. Please see below for details.


25 g bunch of basil
350 ml double cream
30 g white sugar
1 vanilla pods, split lengthways
2 leaves gelatine [the one in the picture I only used one leaf. It was really creamy and thick, but it was a bit runny still. So I'm suggesting 2 untrialled but it should be good.]

Blanch the basil leaves [bin the stalks] in boiling water for 30 seconds – until it wilts. Then drain it an whizz in a hand blender till it is smooth.
Put all the other ingredients into a saucepan – scrape the seeds out of the vanilla and put in with the pods as well -  and warm it gently to dissolve the gelatin. Do not boil it.
Take off the heat and stir in the basil.
Strain through a fine sieve to get all the bits out into your glasses / teacups / bowls / whatever.
Refridgerate until set.
Put on chopped strawberries, with or without icing sugar.
Eat and die.

Weirdos could substitute the cream for soy cream and gelatine for agar agar.
Gluttons could melt in 50g white chocolate along with the gelatine.
If you dont like basil, you could just whizz any fruit puree [except pineapple or kiwi - the gelatine wont set] or other herb but give the basil a go first.


Thanks to The Cardinal I learnt about that Thomasina “Tommi” Meirs co-founder of Wahaca who I since discovered I can’t stand, but think her Mexican Food Made Simple are pretty banging and not the “made simple” El Paso sauce recipes you might think.

Following her recipes the other night, Anthony and I had guacamole, roast tomato salsa and roast pumpkin & sweet potato, thai sticky rice tortillas and for dessert, we polished off some rather scampi looking churros as well. The worst part about churros is the end :(

Anyway here is her recipe:

Makes 16 long sticks (me – or a gazillion wiggly ones or heart shaped ones or figures of 8 or monsterones round the whole pan. pretty fun)
Cooking time: about 1 hour

You will need a piping bag fitted with a large star-shaped nozzle. (me -if you dont have a piping bag, i would suggest a heavy plastic bag with a corner cut off so you have about a 1.5cm diametre hole.)

For the churros
90g caster sugar
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
125g plain flour
125g self-raising flour
a good pinch of sea salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 litre sunflower oil, for frying

For the chocolate sauce
200g dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids), roughly chopped
50g milk chocolate, roughly chopped
2 tablespoons golden syrup
300ml double cream


  1. Mix the sugar and cinnamon together and set aside.
  2. Make the chocolate sauce. Put all the chocolate in a heavy-bottomed saucepan with the golden syrup and cream. Heat over a low heat, stirring continuously to melt the chocolate, being careful not to let it boil or burn.
  3. Sift both types of flour with a good pinch of salt into a metal or heatproof bowl and make a well in the centre.
  4. In a separate bowl, mix the olive oil and 450ml boiling water together, then pour into the well, beating it well with a fork to get rid of any lumps. The dough should be slightly soft and sticky to touch. Let it rest for 10 minutes. (me – I found this a tiny bit gooey and suspected that I should have added about 20g more flour. I didnt and they worked ok, but anyway just FYI.)
  5. Fill a large, heavy-bottomed saucepan with the sunflower oil – it should be about one-third full. Heat the oil to 170°C or until a small piece of bread browns in less than 30 seconds.
  6. Add the dough to a piping bag with a star-shaped nozzle and squeeze out churros directly into the hot oil, cutting them with a pair of scissors to the length you want. Be careful not to cook more than 3 at any one time, or they will all stick together. Fry for about 3 to 4 minutes until crispy and golden. (me – this part with the scissors – not possible with the state of the dough we made. But the little churro dog turds we made were still good.)
  7. Remove from the oil with a slotted spoon and drain on kitchen paper. Sprinkle with the cinnamon sugar.
  8. Reheat the chocolate sauce and pour into little cups for dipping with the churros.

Anyway I am not that keen on chocolate, I think I would like white chocolate and vanilla sauce instead – so make everything the same but with white chocolate instead of the other chocolate and scrape some vanilla seeds in it while it is warming through. Equally if you wanted to freak everyone out, make the basil panacotta above, skip the gelatine and def put in the white chocolate. YGM bruv. Just a free little kitchen freestyle for you.


Oh and here is a link to the rest of the Mexican recipes.


From: emma@hello!bonjour!willkommen!.com
To: mayor@london.gov.uk
Subject: I have never told you before, but this is what I would like to happen.

The Mayor would like to thank you for your interest in his work and he is keen to answer your query as quickly and fully as possible. As you will appreciate, he receives a very large amount of correspondence but he is committed to responding to your query within 20 working days.

However, the Greater London Authority (GLA) will only respond to queries that relate to its work and will refer relevant queries to the appropriate functional body for them to reply. Transport related queries will be referred to Transport for London (TfL).

Please note that the GLA does not accept unsolicited job applications or CVs. Information on current vacancies is available on our website at: http://www.london.gov.uk/jobs

Thank you for taking the time to write to the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

Yours truly

Public Liaison Unit

I will report back of course if I get a reply within 20 days after I have investigated whatever happened to my Silpat silicon baking sheet for making stuff out of my Alain Ducasse book. Then, if the Mayor has got back to me (the job of Mayor has not been post BTW on their jobs section) and see how we get on in a bezzie mates kind of way I want to propose something to him which is probably the one thing that pisses me of THE MOST about general London life… STANDING POSTIONS VS WALKING POSITIONS ON THE TUBE PLATFORM.

During rush hour it is simple:

Look down the platform with the wall on your left and the tracks on your right. Divide it into 4 bands.

Against the wall: Stand here if you are waiting for someone, waiting for the third train or so to come along, if you are having a drink or sandwich, checking a map to taking a break. i.e. If you aint going anywhere soon, stand here.

Next band: Use this space for walking if you have left the tube and are moving to another platform or exciting the station. If you need to stop and check yourself or your mates, casually step against the wall and wait for your mates there.

Next band: Use this space if you are moving down to use the full length of the platform because you want to get on the next available tube that comes along. Clearly you know where you are going. You dont need to stop?

Finally, the band most near the yellow line: You are getting on the next available train.

Metal note to all: Walk down the platforms in a reasonable pace, in single file. Dont stop and block other people, just step to the side. There are other people coming up behind them. You are causing an obstruction. AKA a pain in the arse.

I would like to see that some kind of notice is handed out to all passengers on flights landing in the UK along with the safety card. I am sure people in the Eurostar could also take a moment to absorb this info. Locals should be made aware of this information with posters in the tube and placement in the Metro.

Cause really, getting stuck behind some Subway munching person while I get a pram up my arse is really not a strong look for summer, now or in 2012. Think about it.

August 10, 2011


Well well well where has The Booyah Cook been hibernating? More like just me in the kitchen trying all sorts of things and reading cook books like a mental getting all frustrated and feeling a bit mehhhh with the results. The main goal for The Booyah Cook is “leisure slut”. If a recipe is too complicated and I cant buy all the ingredients within walking distace of my flat, it isnt Booyah!!

Tonight let me present to you BOOYAH CHICKEN!!


Chicken thighs, legs or wings.
150mls water
150g dark brown muscovado sugar [if you dont have brown sugar maybe use coke instead of water and sugar? worth a shot]
1 tsp sea salt
2 tbs shitty sherry [mine is really cheap and also probably 5 years old and should probably go down the sink]
1 red onion, finely chopped
3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
3 or 4 or 5 or 6 tbs of ground cinnamon – dont hold back
Grated zest and juice of 1 orange – or whatever else is in the fruitbowl to get rid of
2 red chillis finely sliced

In a big flat bowl or dish that you will be able to cover and put in the fridge overnight (better glass or ceramic I’d say) dissolve the sugar and salt in the water. Then throw everything else into the bowl, including the chicken. Mix it all around. Cover. Put in the fridge overnight.

Heat the oven to 180 degrees centigrade. Put the chicken in a roasting dish and chuck away the marinade. Roast for 30 mins. When the timer is up, put under a hot grill for about 10 mins to crisp the skin up.

We squeezed lime on some bits and some bits we didn’t. As you can see from the picture BOOYAH.

And, we ate the chicken with pancakes made with corn and spring onion [from the recipe below]

Don’t shit yourselves. These were too good to be true. Anthony gave the dinner a score of 9/10 and then cracked open some dessert wine, even though the Basil Pannacotta I made was still setting in the fridge.


I haven’t got out of bed today. I have put on a shirt because I am first thing going to get some chili for a cinnamon chicken marinade I started last night. But the pj drawers are still on.

In the wake of the rioting, looting, mugging, murdering, BBMing and damage to everything thing and everyone in London (and the rest of the UK) what is going to happen now?

Who am I going to blame for this happening? Who will be responsible for cleaning this all up? Who will make plans for this to never happen again?

I will only blame myself.
I will hold the Government responsible for cleaning up and rebuilding.
I will ask everyone in London to make plans for this to never happen again.

I am going to write to Boris, and the other one – the PM etc and I will tell them:
I don’t like what happened in my town.
I don’t like what they are spending money on.
I don’t want them to continue spending money on overseas relief until everyone in this country is back on the straight and narrow. Don’t start a row in this country over who is rich and who isn’t and who should pay what tax. Worry about it later. Stop spending money on other peoples problems. Britain is a great country.
I want more money invested into things like assisting small business, training for people, education, sports grounds, good food for everyone – basically access to everything I had when I was growing up in Australia. And I was on the poor list. But I had everything.
I would like money invested in projects that rehabilitate those who spent time burning things down. For example, maybe this is a bit too hippy and freewheeling but – The Sony Warehouse – I bet they had no idea that there were so many independent record labels inside. The name Sony although being true is also a little misleading. I think I would like projects for these criminals to make their own independent labels, recording, producing and performing. I would like to see more mentoring projects, adult advocate projects, art projects, fostering projects, more youth workers, parenting projects, apprenticeships, work experience opportunities – small business funded to take on work experience people…

I would personally like to be in a financial position to start something like Lektrolab again. However silly it may seem. Its something. I would also like to be in a position at my office to advertise nationally that I will take on a girl for a months work experience in our office, paid for £200 per week plus travel (same as we pay our student placements please note everyone else in the fashion industry), who will admit she participated in the riots and looting because she felt she had nothing else to do, no alternative and there is nothing for her. I have been poor, homeless, jobless. I will show her what is possible.
I need to think what I can actually do myself. I dont have answer yet.

So I blame myself because I never told these guys before. I dont know who they spend their days and nights talking to, but I would like them to listen to me. But I have to speak up first. Personally I dont think they will follow my blog or twitter so I need to go out of my comfort zone here.

I dont know if I trust to Government to clean up properly. I think it will be more community action from the people with brooms and the Turkish neighbourhood showing what its like to care about your community. That is sad isnt it.

And everyone else: please dont pass the buck. It is very easy to say “This is not my problem what can I personally do, it not my fault anyway” and blame someone else. I am feeling so disheartened myself having written this far thinking “What the fuck? Whatever you do you get shit on by someone.” But the difference between me and the rioters is, I give a shit so I might as well have a go at making it better – or next time I might as well join in with the riots.

August 9, 2011


We had breakfast at work together today. We all brought something different. We do nice stuff like that together all the time. It makes for a good atmosphere. It was a nice way to start a day where we knew that some of us wouldn’t know if they would be able to get home easily or not again.

My contribution was Blueberry Pancakes. I have been thinking about proper American style pancakes after I went to the vegetarian place Bob’s Kitchen in Paris with Goon and had some to stave off the hangovers. The girls at work said “I can’t believe YOU would use a Jamie Oliver recipe! You surprise me!” I just figured his would be pretty straight up and no fucking about. Which was exactly the case.

The pancakes (cooked the night before and reheated in the microwave) were awesome. We scoffed them all.

• 3 large eggs, seperated
• 115g/4oz plain flour
• 1 heaped teaspoon baking powder
• 140ml/5fl oz milk
• a pinch of salt
heaps tbs of caster sugar (my addition) and I wish I had put in a bit of cinnamon as well. Next time.

First separate the eggs, putting the whites into one bowl and the yolks into another. Add the flour, baking powder and milk to the yolks and mix to a smooth thick batter. Whisk the whites with the salt until they form stiff peaks. Fold into the batter – it is now ready to use.

Heat a good non-stick pan on a medium heat. Pour some of your batter into the pan and fry for a couple of minutes until it starts to look golden and firm. At this point sprinkle your chosen flavouring (see below) on to the uncooked side before loosening with a spatula and flipping the pancake over. Continue frying until both sides are golden.

You can make these pancakes large or small, to your liking. You can serve them simply doused in maple syrup and even with some butter or crème fraîche. Or if you choose to sprinkle with a flavouring, try one of these…

fresh corn from the cob
crispy bacon or pancetta
stewed apple
grated chocolate

August 8, 2011


What makes you want to wreck your own environment, ruin your neighbours business, fuck up all the bins / phone boxes / buses that service your area, act like a stupid cunt etc?

I remember once when my exhusband and I were still doing Lektrolab and part of a project in association with the Christian Marklay exhibition at the… ?… Hayward? Barbican? something we were giving different types of workshops in different schools. We did a really cool one up in North London where kids were making artwork inspired by cassette tapes and hacked walkmen. We also did some in South London where we were told “If you can at least get the kids to engage in the session you have achieved something.” They were just dj workshops. I was totally ignored as the stupid dumb Australian uncool girl. Paul was revered for being American and having an authentic STL woolly and could juggle records. At one workshop, as soon as we opened the lids on the turntables, everything got stolen – needles, slip mats, headphones, everything they could. We just had to tell them that we were going to “Turn our backs so we can’t see anything, but when we turn around again, every has to be back in its place or we have to just cut the session and we were leaving.” It worked. It actually turned out to be a pretty cool session. Usually it did though I have to say. Except for the other one for this thing at the last school. Three of the kids left early and pitched a rock through the second story window of the studio we were in at about Paul’s/my head. Not so fun. But why would you do that?

The nice story out of all of this is the Turkish community on Kingsland Road coming out to protect their business and their neighbours businesses. Not sure I agree with baseball bats but then why are more people like that? Out to take care of the community.

One of “my girls” (a younger girl at work) was evacuated from her home this evening because she lived above a mobile phone shop on Bethnal Green Road. She was terrified. The shop was destroyed and robbed. So in times of shit I cook something. I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast. I hope that they will be okay when I heat them up at work tomorrow for everyone.

And I hope all those stupid rioting cunts accidentally lock themselves inside a giant room together with no windows and are left alone with their own thoughts and logic for a while, have to put up with each other, see what happens in their without their phone chargers. The rest of the world would like a break.

August 7, 2011


I have a rapid cycling bi polar mood affective disorder and have been diagnosed as having “something wrong” with me since I was 20.

Being “better” [than I was] is better than how I was but it is starting to dawn on me, I will never be better.

Even when I am happy, I often think of suicide. I am not suicidal but imagine thinking both things in the same thought? It doesn’t seem right. I guess that is the rapid cycling part. Other people experience the lows and highs over long periods of time. I can get everything in one day. I can be laughing and burst out crying.

Amitriptyline, Venlafaxine, Paroxetine, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Citalopram, Carbamazepine, Sodium valproate, Lithium and something starting with a Z for muscle spasms and that made me pace. A stop off in the Lambeth, twice in the Royal Free and a long stint in the Felix Brown [RIP] day hospital with the leaking roof and Arthur the funny guy. Time “homeless” living in the West Hampstead Womens Shelter and many hours in offices of the Camden Council trying to sort out my living arrangements. 4 years personal therapy at the Tavistock Center [the first year I refused to say much other than I dont want to come here], another year couples therapy because I had been there for four years before and then another few months again on my own after that. Thanks for all your combined efforts. The best thing that happened was that Pippa and Max gave me some regular part time work and a job to. When you feel your worst something to do and laugh is the best medicine.

And then, after all that my sister calls me she has a sister she doesnt really give a stuff about… sorry mate… I was kind of busy for a few years… I have lost in Waitrose before trying to buy washing powder with Cards because I couldnt decide for example just to put something into perspective for her…

Anyway I don’t know why today I write this. For those concerned I am actually going to go and have a jolly baking session in the kitchen [nothing like a job and a laugh!] with the new Miette cookbook. But it has been on my mind lately and I guess I just had to tell somebody in a way that didnt leave a heavy cloud in the room.

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