Nothing hurt me more than making a bad cake. And this is one of the reasons why I always have more than enough eggs, flour, caster sugar etc. But in this instance the cake was a wreck before I even started – I don’t like them, they don’t taste that great, the icing is always too sweet and I can taste the chemicals in the cake for the colour – RED VELVET CAKE. WHY? Who came up with this stupid idea to have half a chocolate cake flavour dyed bright red?
So I was making a cake for work – it is not only horrible to start with, it is overcooked, the ends all cut off, the icing full of crumbs, all while I was stewing over this guy I went on a Guardian Soulmates date with who used to sign of messages like this:
and other such variations.
I got a text from someone called P. Pip? Paul? Philippa? Phil? Pippa? Like talking to me like they are my mate.
? : Hi, I hope you are well and having a nice Summer. P [should have known my friends all wouldnt have bother to start with Hi.]
Me: Who is this?
? : Hi Emma, it’s Pail [so I was thinking who is their Scandinavian with that number. I have no clue who this is. Seriously though, what a typo. Calling yourself bucket.]
Me: Sorry I didn’t have your number in my phone. What have you been doing? [fishing for more clues...]
In between times I googled the phone number and found out who it was. Guardian Soulmates date 2 or 3. I dont remember. The one with the bad turn ups and the Magic mushrooms I think was after this so it must be number 2.
? : I did not mean to spook you Emma. We dallied with the idea of dating a while back. Guardian I believe, Paul.
Me: You didn’t spook me at all. Yes I remember having a drink.
[He infact had two drinks - a pint of beer and a pint of water. He sculled both, went to the loo, came out and remembered he had to get back for a circuit class at the gym. The end.]
?: Ah… Good. It was quite a while ago. How are you keeping? PLUS — > A bonus picture of him sitting outdoors on a rock.
Me: Well clearly I joined a nunnery and devoted myself to god after out date…
?: Oh no…..ah well
The desperado who was obviously bored at work and going through his phone to contact me .
And the thing that makes me the maddest of all: I CURSED MYSELF WITH THIS REAPPEARANCE!! I was going through a friends linked in page the other day and saw him and made a joke to my friend about him. So basically my own fault.
But that fucking cake. I have red colouring on my hands, all over the cookbook, up the wall, cake crumbs everywhere, Hobart isnt even touching the cake. I hate this cake.