Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

September 13, 2011

A DISSAPOINTMENT MAYOR

From: Mayor of London [mailto:mayor@london.gov.uk]
Sent: 13 September 2011 17:01
To: emma@hellobonjourwillkommen
Subject: RE: MGLA110811-5912 I have never told you before, but this is what I would like to happen.

Dear Ms Davidson

Thank you for your correspondence concerning the riots in London.

The Mayor is grateful to everybody who has taken the time to write to him with suggestions or comments on the terrible events that took place. Whether it has been to voice support, raise concerns, suggest reasons why it happened, or ideas on how to prevent this happening again in future, it has all been welcome.

As I am sure you can appreciate people have been very vocal, and rightly so, but as a result the Mayor has received a larger than usual volume of correspondence. Please be assured that each case has been read and he has been kept informed on the issues raised. However, it therefore makes it impossible for him to respond to every one in detail.

We can come back from this, we can rebuild and repair the areas worst affected. Indeed, the Mayor has already announced a fund to help do exactly that. We must acknowledge the tragedy of these riots and learn from them, whilst at the same time recognising the good that there is in London. This was shown by the widespread support during the various clean up operations, and through the help and encouragement given to local shop owners and individuals who have been so badly affected.

We will now take the time to reflect on and review what has happened, and the subjects you have raised with the Mayor will form part of that.

Thank you again for writing.

Yours sincerely

Anita Xxxxxx
Public Liaison Unit

Am I being ungrateful? I think this letter is really lame, doesnt speak to me as an individual, does not address anything about why it happened – only what happend. And whoopie do!! It is nothing to do with him with the widespread community support – that has been used here to pad out what has been done like he thought of it. The Mayor didnt think of it. People did it.

Please correct me if I am raeding this wrong. I am so disspointed.

In other news, Glenda Jackson wrote to me to thank me for writing to her about Trident. Did I? I dont remember unless I signed a petition for Katharine Hamnett backed when I worked for her in 2008. So I think not – surely that is too long ago? Oh no hang on a minute – my letter has been stapled on top of another letter – identical to mine – except it contains all her personal details – and then stapled after that is son long report in letter form – pages – that I never requested. Oh dear. The Goverment have failed me miserably in the postal front as well. They cant even get the basics right – HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE. No wonder they cant get a job and have to get themselves elected so they can embezzle funds etc to pay the bills.

Last but not least, here is a little picture to cheer up my friend and partner in crime Valeria. She knows why.

August 17, 2011

SEEING RED

Nothing hurt me more than making a bad cake. And this is one of the reasons why I always have more than enough eggs, flour, caster sugar etc. But in this instance the cake was a wreck before I even started – I don’t like them, they don’t taste that great, the icing is always too sweet and I can taste the chemicals in the cake for the colour – RED VELVET CAKE. WHY? Who came up with this stupid idea to have half a chocolate cake flavour dyed bright red?

So I was making a cake for work – it is not only horrible to start with, it is overcooked, the ends all cut off, the icing full of crumbs, all while I was stewing over this guy I went on a Guardian Soulmates date with who used to sign of messages like this:

HISNAME
I
S
N
A
M
E

and other such variations.

I got a text from someone called P. Pip? Paul? Philippa? Phil? Pippa? Like talking to me like they are my mate.

? : Hi, I hope you are well and having a nice Summer. P [should have known my friends all wouldnt have bother to start with Hi.]
Me: Who is this?
? : Hi Emma, it’s Pail [so I was thinking who is their Scandinavian with that number. I have no clue who this is. Seriously though, what a typo. Calling yourself bucket.]
Me: Sorry I didn’t have your number in my phone. What have you been doing? [fishing for more clues...]

In between times I googled the phone number and found out who it was. Guardian Soulmates date 2 or 3. I dont remember. The one with the bad turn ups and the Magic mushrooms I think was after this so it must be number 2.

? : I did not mean to spook you Emma. We dallied with the idea of dating a while back. Guardian I believe, Paul.
Me: You didn’t spook me at all. Yes I remember having a drink.
[He infact had two drinks - a pint of beer and a pint of water. He sculled both, went to the loo, came out and remembered he had to get back for a circuit class at the gym. The end.]
?: Ah… Good. It was quite a while ago. How are you keeping? PLUS — > A bonus picture of him sitting outdoors on a rock.
Me: Well clearly I joined a nunnery and devoted myself to god after out date…
?: Oh no…..ah well

The desperado who was obviously bored at work and going through his phone to contact me .

And the thing that makes me the maddest of all: I CURSED MYSELF WITH THIS REAPPEARANCE!! I was going through a friends linked in page the other day and saw him and made a joke to my friend about him. So basically my own fault.

But that fucking cake. I have red colouring on my hands, all over the cookbook, up the wall, cake crumbs everywhere, Hobart isnt even touching the cake. I hate this cake.

August 14, 2011

BORIS UPDATE

From: emma@hello!bonjour!willkommen!.com
To: mayor@london.gov.uk
Subject: I have never told you before, but this is what I would like to happen.

The Mayor would like to thank you for your interest in his work and he is keen to answer your query as quickly and fully as possible. As you will appreciate, he receives a very large amount of correspondence but he is committed to responding to your query within 20 working days.

However, the Greater London Authority (GLA) will only respond to queries that relate to its work and will refer relevant queries to the appropriate functional body for them to reply. Transport related queries will be referred to Transport for London (TfL).

Please note that the GLA does not accept unsolicited job applications or CVs. Information on current vacancies is available on our website at: http://www.london.gov.uk/jobs

Thank you for taking the time to write to the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

Yours truly

Public Liaison Unit

I will report back of course if I get a reply within 20 days after I have investigated whatever happened to my Silpat silicon baking sheet for making stuff out of my Alain Ducasse book. Then, if the Mayor has got back to me (the job of Mayor has not been post BTW on their jobs section) and see how we get on in a bezzie mates kind of way I want to propose something to him which is probably the one thing that pisses me of THE MOST about general London life… STANDING POSTIONS VS WALKING POSITIONS ON THE TUBE PLATFORM.

During rush hour it is simple:

Look down the platform with the wall on your left and the tracks on your right. Divide it into 4 bands.

Against the wall: Stand here if you are waiting for someone, waiting for the third train or so to come along, if you are having a drink or sandwich, checking a map to taking a break. i.e. If you aint going anywhere soon, stand here.

Next band: Use this space for walking if you have left the tube and are moving to another platform or exciting the station. If you need to stop and check yourself or your mates, casually step against the wall and wait for your mates there.

Next band: Use this space if you are moving down to use the full length of the platform because you want to get on the next available tube that comes along. Clearly you know where you are going. You dont need to stop?

Finally, the band most near the yellow line: You are getting on the next available train.

Metal note to all: Walk down the platforms in a reasonable pace, in single file. Dont stop and block other people, just step to the side. There are other people coming up behind them. You are causing an obstruction. AKA a pain in the arse.

I would like to see that some kind of notice is handed out to all passengers on flights landing in the UK along with the safety card. I am sure people in the Eurostar could also take a moment to absorb this info. Locals should be made aware of this information with posters in the tube and placement in the Metro.

Cause really, getting stuck behind some Subway munching person while I get a pram up my arse is really not a strong look for summer, now or in 2012. Think about it.



August 1, 2010

ILLNESS BOREDOM THRESHOLD

I’m well and truly at the limit. About to break something.

July 13, 2010

WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?

The easy answer: SOMETHING FABULOUS

But it is taking a lot of work!

There is a guy who has been emailing me a lot, sending me all kinds of compliments. Which is great right? Only I’m not sure how much of his fabulous life is real. I’m naturaly suspicious and I think the worse. It makes me feel like I am being groomed by some internet paedo stalker. I can just see my picture now in The Metro as the embittered woman who has been swindled out of millions by some chancer who leads more than a double life.

I have a date tonight with someone else. After waking up in a quite excited mood, by the time I left the house I have switched into being a mini Phil Thompson on a bad day and have been lashing out at everyone in the office, the other IT guy not the fruity IT guy. It is quite likely I will tell this guy that Im going to “fucking get you,  you fucking cunt” all on my own.

Even though I brought in a chicken and fennel quiche and a raspberry cake, the girls have shut me in my own room to listen to Snoop Dogg all on my own and a screensaver of my number 1 girlfriend which keeps comming on because I am sitting her staring at the screen totally vaguing out.

May 5, 2010

MELBOURNE MOTHERLOAD

In Melbourne now. Last night I spent some time moviong furniture and plugging in a ventilator machine for my post op mother and auntie. One can’t lift and the other is in a wheel chair. I wish they had both had mouth ops because they both had far too much to say for women who weren’t doing the work

My hotel is actually a serviced appartment. I could bake a cake in here today if I wanted to. I sure feel like it. But I’m staying in Fitzroy – food central – and I have already seen one amazing looking spanish deli and read about another.

Now I’m waiting for the original Lady Gang to come pick me up – Elissa from Art School. Its going to be hilarious.

August 12, 2008

CONSUMER COMPLAINT

Dear Ms Chanel

I wanted to write a letter of complaint to you regarding two maquillage products I have purchased from one of your concessions recently, in Selfridges.

Based on the fact that the two ‘rouge a lèvres’ I purchased were similar to a Christian Dior lipstick I had stolen from me a while ago, I felt confident with the assurances from the marketing of your brand with the two colours I walked out of the store with would be more than adequate to mend my broken heart.

However I am bitterly disappointed on the performance of your product. My Christian Dior lipstick in Indian Red, even though was years old had maximum coverage, staying power and an intensity of colour that made all men turn in the street. Both lipsticks I bought from you – Passion and New York Red – are greasy, slippery, bleed and last about 20 minutes before needing another application.

My Christian Dior lipstick was not an impotent monkey dick or a weasley dog’s dick of a product and I am indeed inferring that your products are both those things… in fact… maybe even of lesser standing. I rue the day I decided to choose your product over Yves Saint Laurent – which even if the lipstick had been of equal quality, at least it comes in packaging which makes carrying a compact mirror obsolete.

Going forward I shall never be wearing stands of pearls, linking my C’s as I doodle on notepads while on the phone or considering getting a chin length bob with a tan.

Yours with a bitter fair well

Emma Davidson

P.S. I’m only bitching about the make up and not the wicked slides I have – they are still rocking!

July 21, 2008

YERRR REALLY HIDEOUS

It is no secret – I have been really vile lately. To everyone. To myself. To one person in particular who I think the world of and I have been a TOTAL loser. To other people who I have met along the way and really wasn’t thinking clearly. I can’t scrub any of that out. I wish I could. But I’m so like Cher on a warship right now you’d be like confused as to who was who. You Get Me?

So what changed? Well having someone unhappy with me really wasn’t a good look. But waking up and feeling homesick and hung over and dreading another day unfolding. It felt like a long time ago. I really thought those days were far behind me. The turning point came when Fambles came over and watched TV with me. I did nothing but lie there while Fambles watched some show about the pilgrimage to Mecca. We didn’t speak. Then today was the cure: I got the opportunity to have a big cry in an office with a man I just met [I don't know why - I always find men easier to talk to, especially strangers] and then I scooted off into town to meet Fambles again and go shopping. It was so good to have some serious old jokes times on a spiritual level.

*******
I just tried to explain two of the best jokes from the day and one involved preferring to get AIDS than have unprotected sex and the other about a guy with a camo backpack who walked past us. Neither joke translates at all.
*******

So yeah, the storm is over for now. I’ve been a dick. I was totally why u onnu bad mind? Like totally getting your period in a posh pair of expensive knickers. The worst. [This did not actually happen - it was an allegory: i.e. ON A PAR]

xx Lektrogirl

July 16, 2008

SO EMO RIGHT NOW

Jo Apps sang this tonight at Hot Breath Karaoke at my request. It started something deep inside of me. Which revved like an engine fuelled by double Frangelico’s [my own plus the ones for Mr Chips cause he didn't like his mixed with coke] and the 2-4-1 Cocktails. I fucking changed gear by the end of the night when this came on:

And by the time I got home, Mr Chips has told me to “Fuck Off” and I was sobbing down the phone to The Twin “Ohhh my God I don’t know what I am going to do!! His eyes are too close together!!!”

Already my hangover is starting to knock on my door. I am by no means sleepy after sleeping all day and not being able to sleep all night from coughing the last few nights.

Perhaps I should take the advice of the The Twin and just go to bed…

xx Lektrogirl

[P.S. this is sounding pretty tragic isn't it?! OJ LOL]

OMG and on a random note – Denzel Washington! I feel just like him when he is an alcoholic in that great movie – fuck what was it called?! I can’t remember but I wrote about it before on my blog. I watched it with Seb in Hamburg. It was INCREDIBLE.

July 7, 2008

FLICKR FIGHT

Scroll down to see the exchange between me and Miss Plum

I just wanna comment back “O HAI – I’m so happy for you, smugface!”

June 12, 2008

THE ORIGINAL THUG MISSES

Who is in the hot seat this weeeeeeeek? Poor-sha Foxx from Atlanta’s V-103 radio station…. Poor-sha…..Poor-sha…Poor-sha…..How dare you try and disrespect the Queen????????????? Bitch…. You fell in the booby-trap and gave me the ammunition that I needed!! Yesssssssssssss! You looked cute in your orange suit!!! LMAO!!!!!! We all the same behind them walls… Did they turn you out in there Poor-sha????? Ohhhhh… I forgot….. You was bull-dagging before you went in!!!!!!!!

Nowwwwww……As yall know from the blog I wrote last week about hating ass bitches at these radio stations and at BET…… We have some serious problems that need to be addressed because there’s some serious hating going on ….. These bitches not wanting to play the Queen’s music and the Queen’s videos!!!! Refusing to play requested songs and turning bitches mic’s down during interviews…….Cheron of Detroit Senior!!!! See….. I am tired of you hoes tryna make interviews one-sided, screening calls allowing all the haterz through! Having a bitch on your show for drama to gain ratings…… And I have been intercepting the ball on you hoes……Taking Nasti Muzik to VICTORY!!!

This bitch invited me on her show and didn’t ask one thang about my album…. Dis bitch still bringing up old shit, still mad about me roasting her ass 6 years ago! Talkin bout……She didn’t like my video… You crackhead drug addict….. The only video you ever had… Was on Fox 5 News when Dekalb County was carrying your drunk ass to Rice Street…. Why didn’t you wanna talk about that Poor-sha????? Why didn’t you wanna talk about that felony drug possession, driving under the influence, driving with a suspended license and expired tags Poor-sha????? Let’s talk about that!!!!! Let’s talk about how the last time you tried the Queen…. You lost your job and your house…. In less than 30 days!!!!! Oh….. I forgot….. You did have another video…. The video of your house burning down after you intentionally set it on fire for the insurance money!!!!!!! Chile boo!!!!! Let’s talk about it Poor-sha!!!!!!! Why you in there hollering security…..Tryna make the listeners think that I was in there acting like a damn fool……. Now they see that you was the only fool on the set!!!!!

How could you even think about trying me after all this dirt I got you???? Poor-sha…. Poor-sha……Poor-sha???? You are a pussy-blower!!! Bitch why did you have security in there with ya??? Were you scared??? You had every intention on starting some shit with the Queen!!! Tryna make it seem like a bitch was acting immature and ignorant!!!! Bitch dats just how you were acting……And I got it all on tape…… Bitch you was looking stressed and disturbed and I was smiling and looking fabulous the whole time! Cutting the mic down and over talking my fans…… Bitch was you high???? I got you on tape doing this unprofessional shit…….Looking like a damn Ant Eater!!! You like bird trees and nose candy….. You drunken bitch!!!!! Gold teeth and tattoos… Is that all you could come up with Poor-sha???? Gold teeth and tattoos is Hip-Hop bitch and I am a representative of Hip-Hop…. The female Pac…. Bow down Bitch!!!!!!!
Nasti Muzik 08!! Im here to be the voice of those who are coming behind me… Im the only bitch that is strong enough to put you bitches on BLAST!!!!!
The Queen has spoken….And enough is enough!!!! Imma let the people know about the real Poor-sha!!! The nasty, conniving, slick-slimmey Poor-sha… Bitch Imma have your job cuz you are officially fired!!!! Remember Me…. Uh-huhhhh!!

Bitch you were jealous and intimidated, you tried to hate and come for me but bitch you fell for the booby-trap. Full promotion for Nasti Muzik 08.… The streets are talking…..And its not about you, Stephanie….Are you any kin to Slim Cutty Calhoun??? Bitch you wanted me to put my foot 6 ft off in dat ass…That’s why I had my hair pinned up in a bun ready for warrrrrr!!! You betta had dat damn security in there!!!! With your lifeless, drawed up ass… I thank you for helping me expose the haterz that lurks at radio stations!!!!! I got your blank ass on candid camera!!!!! You proved that what I had been blogging about is true! Radio stations are some hating ass bitches… Be sure to watch the full video on Myspace/Khia or Youtube.com under Khia on V-103!!!!! Team KHIAAAAAAA! Another touchdown!!! Nasti Muzik 08!!!!! Be sure to request the music at your local radio stations, BET and MTV. If they don’t play it, change the station!!! Its 2008 people and its time for change!!!

Number1 With or without them, the streets are talking!!!! Nasti Muzik 08!!!!
Thanks to my baby Weezy for all the love that he sent on the Carter 3. My baby said……. Yo back, Yo neck…… Funny how the song aint got old yet… To us!!! Nasti Muzik 08!!!!LOLOLOL!!!! Don’t get comfortable!!!!!

Posted by Khia on Sunday, June 08, 2008 at 4:29 PM

Wow – Khia is one eloquent and succinct bitch!

xx Lektrogirl

April 29, 2008

GETS UP MY NOSE

Fake ass people die

Well this is what gets up Reh Doggs nose. I haven’t bothered to check up on him lately but I have to say I really love this video.

Now, I will tell you what gets up my nose:

1] the improper use of the term ‘manic depression’ and all it’s derivatives/applications. [Alex T - what is the proper way of saying what I want there?]

So to make this clear to everyone, technically speaking, you don’t mean what you think you do when you go on about being ‘manically depressed’. Manic depression [apart from being a frustrated miss, just ask Jimi Hendrix] is a psychiatric condition marked by alternate periods of elation and depression. The ‘manic’ part actually refers to the intense elation.

2] Getting hung up on. It drives me INSANE. To the point of storming over to someone’s house and pounding on their door to finish what I was saying at one in the morning.

xx Lektrogirl

February 26, 2008

BAD BREAKUPS

I was just on the phone to my mothers saying both good morning and good night to each other. Still weird after 13 years. My little nephew said he wants to come and live in London “Cause people get to stay up all night there.” He has quite grasped the sun and moon thing properly. Anyway – Mutts and I were talking about tea cups. Then I went and checked my email and saw the mail she had forwarded to all the family members, which had originated from her work friends. Usually I have seen the things she has sent round before, but I hadn’t seen these.

How I laughed!


LOL! The best part is the bad spelling. I would feel a dick head if I misspelled a megadis like that. The SMILE on the windshield is a nice touch.


This idea is so good I wish I had thought of it.


Also nice, but cost prohibitive expensive.


I’m certain that this would have felt SO good. And by the looks of his possessions strewn over the front lawn, she was better off without him anyway.

xx Lektrogirl

January 30, 2008

KOOKKIEE’S HATERS

Yeah bitch, hate on it!

xx Lektrogirl

August 4, 2007

TYPICAL


Screw you too

xx Lektrogirl

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