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August 7, 2011

BI POLAR MOOD AFFECTIVE DISORDER

I have a rapid cycling bi polar mood affective disorder and have been diagnosed as having “something wrong” with me since I was 20.

Being “better” [than I was] is better than how I was but it is starting to dawn on me, I will never be better.

Even when I am happy, I often think of suicide. I am not suicidal but imagine thinking both things in the same thought? It doesn’t seem right. I guess that is the rapid cycling part. Other people experience the lows and highs over long periods of time. I can get everything in one day. I can be laughing and burst out crying.

Amitriptyline, Venlafaxine, Paroxetine, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Citalopram, Carbamazepine, Sodium valproate, Lithium and something starting with a Z for muscle spasms and that made me pace. A stop off in the Lambeth, twice in the Royal Free and a long stint in the Felix Brown [RIP] day hospital with the leaking roof and Arthur the funny guy. Time “homeless” living in the West Hampstead Womens Shelter and many hours in offices of the Camden Council trying to sort out my living arrangements. 4 years personal therapy at the Tavistock Center [the first year I refused to say much other than I dont want to come here], another year couples therapy because I had been there for four years before and then another few months again on my own after that. Thanks for all your combined efforts. The best thing that happened was that Pippa and Max gave me some regular part time work and a job to. When you feel your worst something to do and laugh is the best medicine.

And then, after all that my sister calls me she has a sister she doesnt really give a stuff about… sorry mate… I was kind of busy for a few years… I have lost in Waitrose before trying to buy washing powder with Cards because I couldnt decide for example just to put something into perspective for her…

Anyway I don’t know why today I write this. For those concerned I am actually going to go and have a jolly baking session in the kitchen [nothing like a job and a laugh!] with the new Miette cookbook. But it has been on my mind lately and I guess I just had to tell somebody in a way that didnt leave a heavy cloud in the room.

January 16, 2011

WHY

I am currently defrosting the freezer and pickling some cumquats I had in the fridge. Both of which is taking ages – but I realised a second ago I turned off the cooker and not the freezer. Everything is a bit like scrambled eggs at the moment. Yesterday was both amazing [I met my little Remy in the morning and went for a beer with the girls] but then shortly afterwards I had a melt down on Stoke Newington Church Street, Anthony came from his studio – marched up infact sans coat and started yelling at me in the street. [Deservedly I don't know. It's complicated. We were both victims? All I can think of are some conversations I have had with Emma B about it being a woman's right to lose it sometimes. Anyway as everyone saw, yep me I lost it. And Anthony was yelling in the street! Something he would NEVER do normally. Only for the pair of us to be pleasantly interrupted by Simon Bookish which was WONDERFUL to see him! From Awkward back to Amazing. Ohhhh what a day.]

Today I have just been crying non stop : Ohhhh my freezer doesnt freeze properly. I am a failure. I will never succeed at anything. All this frost. Why can’t I clean up properly after myself. No wonder I am so unattractive and revolting no-on will ever love me. Oh no hang on a minute… Anthony… Oh my god I don’t deserve such a fabulous boyfriend he is so amazing. He is just the greatest guy…

And then the crying starts again. WHY?

Is it just me?

Also, another question I would like an answer to : Who ever you are on the 3rd floor of our office building using the ladies toilets WHY DO YOU PICK YOUR NOSE AND WIPE IT DOWN THE WALL FOR EVERYONE ELSE TO SEE? If we wanted to piss in a chamber full of snot, why not invite us to crawl right up your fucking nose?!
I cannot fathom this. There is a roll of toilet paper to blow your nose on and wipe your bogey and flush it down the loo. WHY?

I have run out of money until payday. This happens every January. WHY?

And I have decided that I will be no longer contributing to the Lameatnames blog. I will continue to add material to the lameatnames gallery though. And probably go back to putting weird fanny pictures on my own blog. Exciting isnt it? I should just get a YouPorn account and be done with it. Which also makes me want to ask myself WHY would I want to do that in the first place? WHY?

BHY!

November 27, 2010

THE STATE OF ME

Ah so a day of a lot of action in my house. But seriously, Christ! The state of me!

I spent last night and this morning “cleaning out the cupboards”. Can someone tell me  I am not the only one who keeps a bag of paper bags of paper bags? Or a pill bottle full of stink bomb seeds? Half a tin of paint of a colour I painted over already in case I wanted to match the colour again another time cause I loved it so much? Mates, I am only a fifth of the way there. I decided I needed to make some guidlines like “All mail in the bin, dont keep anything like that any more” when I pull out a wadge of unopened mail from 2008. Divorce proceeding papers – does one keep this or bin them? Presently I have filed them, and a number of other things in a large carboard box which I fully intend to go through again and put stuff away sometime this year. But if it doesnt get looked at til March 2011 that is also okay with me [which means June]. Only A-HA! I have booby trapped it. I have just thrown the little presents I will need to fish out for people before Christmas day in it too. So there is a possibility it will be done before January 4th 2011 before I go back to work after the hols.

I once asked Abbie and Lee how they kept their house so organised and beautiful and Lee told me the secret was to throw everything out and not keep anything. I wish I could put that voice in my head instead of my mothers every time I find a half used spiral bound secretary note book full of my exhusbands notes where he has written the most inane lists. It is a contstant battle.

Today was Dora’s birthday. We shared some Chocolate HobNobs and a glass of Rosé Shoeler in the good glasses.

Half way through her visit I went to the loo and reaslised the crotch of my light grey tracky trousers as bloods stains in them from my recent period visible from the outside. I wasn’t so bothered about Dora having seen them. She knows what a grot I am already. It is just everyone in the street when I went up to use the cash machine will have a knowledge far more intimate that I would like. Not sure if it is a bad as the time a pair of knickers fell out of my jeans leg as I walked past a large gang of Reebok hoodies in about 2001. Ah well. Time heals all wounds

September 2, 2010

I REALLY FUCKING KNOW HOW HE FEELS

MIS67-1563-7

Well all of them look a bit tired.

July 11, 2010

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

While working on an embroidery project that I cannot reveal as it is destined as a gift Hobart and I sit and nod our heads along to a variety of songs coming out of the speakers.

You know, I read on a dating website a woman using the headline “a pile of washing up”. Another wrote “Must be lovely and like glitter.” What should I have written? Well I don’t know as so many blokes describe themselves as “pretty easy going” which I think if you read between the lines means “I’m pretty easy going so long as you do everything my way and don’t push me out of my safe place boundaries”. I don’t know how walking around in mismatched hideously expensive French lingerie with filthy hair and hands full of the same noodles that are now airborne in the direction of someone’s head while screaming CUNT YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE AN UGLY DOG and listening to gansta rap is really going to work with a guy who claims to be “pretty easy going”.

But then “I’m pretty easy going” could mean “I don’t really care what happens I’m on the brink of suicide anyway and if I don’t meet someone soon I’m going to kill myself. I hate my life. Save me.”

Or it could mean they spent two months living on the beach in Thailand and have Buddhist prayers tattooed around each ankle and made money picking mangoes.

I was discussing the difference between dating websites with a pal via SMS this morning. I told her that there are more nutters on plentyoffish.com than there are on death row. Also on the plus side for men in jail, the pictures of the guys on death row are clearer and at least you can google them and find out exactly what they did wrong already.

Remember when I was a 20 something and it was so easy to meet men? I remember being in Smashing and walking up to a guy who ripped my dress off me as soon as he could after I just said “Hello”. The next week I saw someone he knew outside the Coach and Horses. I walked up to him and said “I fucked your friend last week.” I ended up dating this guy for a long time. He had a VW van and he took me to a VW rally once. The thing I remember the most about the rally was having to take a guy to hospital who had broken both his legs the night before when his little buggy thing smashed into the side of the Hog Roast van.

I hope I meet a guy who is pretty easy going when it comes to my life.

June 22, 2010

SOME PARTS ABOUT BEING A TEENAGER

were really really great!

I hope this video has decent sound quality, doing this on the fly.

June 13, 2010

SPECTACULAR FAIL

I got up today to make some ANZAC biscuits which all of you know I can make but somehow today after being told by Mrs Kipling “You can bring a cake so long as it is in the shape of a tennis racquet” and deciding that ANZACS would be easier and more suited to gate crashing tennis I ruined them spectacularly. Which if my sister heard about she would have reason to think I was an utter retard. Given recent events then I just find it quite hilarious and cant stop chuckling to myself about it since throwing the first tray of deformed lumps and mixture into the bin wishing it would make things better, no worse, to call her and say “Now look at what a loser I really am.”

I got another email from Dad

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 12 June 2010 05:07
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: How to speak Womanese

YEAH YER MA IS BACK IN A VERY GROUCHY MOODFROM TEXTING YOU AND FERRET, GOING CROOK ABOUT YOU AND sARAAGIN EACH OTHER. sEEMS MY OFFER TO USE MY HALF OF THE HOUSE TO BACK you financially got up their nose,so I told her w.t.f. you are leaving your half of MY estate to your favourite daughter, S.F. WHAT She carried on like a right pork chop. F.EM. MATE, i’VE GOT ENOUGH TROUBLES OF MY OWN
wOT WAS YOUR BOSS DOIN SITTING IN HER OFFICE IN HER KNICKERS?Sounds a bit strange. I mean most working women wear knickers when sitting in their offices but they got dresses on over?
The way you’ve written it it looks as if XXYOUR BOSSXX WAS DEVOID OF OUTER CLOTHING? trike me lucky,anew client walks in so you introduce her as ‘the knickere ldy. etc.Hope you told Ferret that one She’d love it.  Cheers me old mate. Peple here are slipping off into the other world very silently, never asking my permish. I wish I could, I’m sick of your cliping nagging fuckin mother , She’s a dead spit of her dead fatherand he alway was a dead crunt, mate. aCTUALLY THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE IS, F.T.C’s.LOCK/ I keep forgetting you ae on a change of medication, ya poor little bugger.my wittering about our family squabbles can’t be of great verve to you.I always think of you as the one Sane blighter of the women in my life, but I am still sorry to witter at you.Cheers anyhow mate CDEFGABCDEF-NEARLY TWO OCTAVES! S.F.W.She said?Cheers yer pa wot luvs yer and FERRET.XXXXXXXX YER DAD.

============

It’s just all fucking nuts. Personal therapy moment turns me to my iTunes play list called “Feeling It” on shuffle:

Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss – The Bloodhound Gang
Brilliant lyrics!

Body Into Use (Russ Chimes Remix) – The Millioners
FEELING IT

Rock with You – Basto!
So much wrong with the guy in this video

Bonkers – Dizzee Rascal
AVH connection

Call On Me – Eric Prydz
You should watch this video for the actually horrendous “LIVE ON TOP OF THE POPS” that it is…

Cry For You – September

I’m Ready – Kano
VIBES!!!

New Breath – Kap Bambino

Nympho – DJ Assault
“Yeahhhh it feels good…”

Paradise Slugs – Venom & The Tempest
No video. Shame.

Regulate – Warren G

Sandstorm – Darude
I have a very fond memory of this song walking through Whitechapel with Jacob Ciocci and a big bus came by blaring the song out. Very spiritual.

Soca Good Vibes – PBD
No video either. Shame.

Windowlicker – Aphex Twin

Anyway my hands reek of melted butter and golden syrup.

Bye.

April 13, 2010

UNE MEUF MOF

Morally I have no objection to suicide. It often seems more appealing when I walk home up the hill crying about how single I am. I see the “Kings Of Pastry” and their hideous sugar work exploding under it’s own weight and the tears and French angst and the determination to overcome any obstacle that blown or ribboned sugar may present. And I similarly I challenge myself with a project – and in this case, a “Mousse Aux Fruits” cake sans coulis as a top layer – that takes hours and when it is done I know that the trouble it would have taken spent on killing myself was better spent else where.

I would never post this as a BOOYAH recipe but I look at the pictures and want to throw myself all over the room yelling BOOYAH at the top of my lungs.

In other news, Hobart and I have been working on a new video. She was helping me with the props as you can see in the picture above.

Hair before make up. And even though it doesn’t look it in the picture as my cold has been running FULL THROTTLE in my system, my video will be about a better life.

March 15, 2010

A REFLECTION


Dad by me


Me by Dad

This was when I was 20 and Dad was about 67.

I am really looking forward to going home and seeing him. Apparently he fell over again the other day cause he was trying to get from his arm chair to his bed on his own and his sock slipped on the floor. But, there is already drama before I get there because my sister can’t find the time to come to Hobart to visit while I am there with the kids and has ‘told’ mum that Mum and I will have to get the bus that takes a couple of hours up to Devonport instead. Part of the reason why I am going is because Mum is having a hysterectomy. Oh well. After flying 24 hours at great expense to see Mum and Dad within 4 months of the last trip what difference is a bus trip across the state gonna make? It isn’t like I might want to rest and do nothing for a change is it… And I mean, Mum might just want to be on the sofa for a while…

October 22, 2009

A PROPER UP-NON-DATE

On the night of the non-date I will take the time to write something for a change, instead of one liners or blogging a picture or something something from somewhere.

Can someone tell me what happened? I don’t know what happened. I think I was a Throwawayfuck all because I was too much tough talking – but maybe I was just a Throwawayfuck – but I don’t know.

It was all because of a pair of shoes in TOPSHOP. I tried them on. I kind of wanted them. But did I really? – no I didn’t = because I wouldn’t have thrown them down on my way to the till to buy them the first night. The following evening I went back WANTING THEM. They were blue and suede with heels and nice enough. A second before I requested my size, two teens had asked for them. There was only one pair. They sat there nursing them while the better looking one of the two tried on two sequinned gold jackets. Both jackets were horrible and looked cheap and looked really really horrible. I sat quiet and WAITED for this shoes. They were cradling the box, they were petting it. They hadn’t even tried them on. I just wanted them. I left in the end totally frustrated thinking “WHY OH WHY AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!” Because the night I had tried on the shoes and rejected them I had been to the pub and the guy that worked there told me his girlfriend had moved out kind of randomly. I had wanted to go out on a date with this guy for the longest time.

Anyway – I just had to cut myself short there. I asked this guy out. We had a great time for about a week.

Then I had a really horrible time.

Now I am having no time.

And most of all I ask myself the question “What the fuck were you doing in TOPSHOP anyway?” It turned me into a Throwawayfuck.

But see how I didn’t really want the shoes?
The man kissed like the only other Italian I kissed – straight tongue and used it like a dribbley sword. Not that hot. It improved.

As you can see, this is probably why I haven’t written so much on my blog lately. My brain in like alphabet soup.

SOME GOOD THINGS COMING UP THOUGH: Parisian visitors BOOYAH!!! Maybe I go to Nantes again!!! Going to Australia in March 10 via Singapore WOOHOO!!!

Which will all go to heal the shame of being a Throwawayfuck all for the sake of a pair of TOPSHOP shoes. Bwwwaaarrrfghhh.

xx Lektrogirl

September 7, 2009

MEAN GIRL

You are possibly the most hideous person I have had the misfortune of knowing and I knew right from the second I met you that you were vile.

Speaking of other mean girls, after trying to walk the kitten on a lead [that is to say get the collar on her and drag her on her side to the back door with it] Hobart has decided payback comes in the form of clawing my new rug which I just rolled out about 15 minutes ago. All the bushels of wool that she is digging up she chews up. My payback will be laughing when she coughs up a fur ball. Then her payback will be my broken heart as I sit and watch her all stressed and worried that I have to call the Pet Ambulance. And when she is okay again I will feed her some THRIVE freeze dried shrimps.

I had a funny evening this evening with Mr 40something who had obviously had a very boozy lunch and was telling me how life was so horrible and depressing and stressful. He also said that I did nothing but take the piss out of him. But that I was also the person who was the most polite and respectful to him as well. [Aussie humour.] Then he asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. Worried he might have a sex den in his basement I said that he was welcome to bring the wine upstairs. He said he would be 5 minutes. After 35 I finished what I was doing and went home. Poor fella. He had splits in the crotch of his pants where they had worn through.

Oh – and Lady Gang alert – I’m double dog baby sitting with Mrs Kipling on Saturday night at the most luxurious flat in town. Anyone else want to come and watch the Nollywood channel and polish of a few bottles of something? The Booyah Cook may or may not make an appearance. Depends how much we want Pizza instead.

xx Lektrogirl

May 26, 2009

GRIS GRIS ANS

Just a sketch and something to do this evening.

To quote The G.A.: “Maaate, Never give in!”

xx Lektrogirl

November 8, 2008

BY A THREAD

Oh dear Allah, not feeling so hot today although my look fucking ROCKS. Leather boots, soft pleated a bit Fletcher Jones skirt, A.P.C. sweater and white collar blouse. So for as prim and proper that I look, just to let you all know I feel like dying inside. Not only that, the shop is cold and damp. I’m freezing.

I’ve ‘enjoyed’ the morning so far by updating websites, working on lameatnames etc etc and it seems that I am not the only one rocked by Internet industry. Mr Chips / Philip Thompson has now started a photo blog with his amazing work. He just keeps getting better and better. Valeria tells me that she wants to move to Jaywick because of his pictures. So please if you are cold and just not feeling it today, you can look at PHILIP THOMPSON’S PHOTOS here.

Pippa has promised that she will come in around 2.30 with a coffee. I swear – instant death if she is late. Struggling to go on. Shit and I just remember some weird dreams from the few hours sleep I had.

Well well well what have we here? This guy is a photographer I met who is still struggling with the Nokia E60 phone that takes 3 minutes to send a text. We spent quite a while discussing 3, texting, cameras etc. He is going to get an E71 because it has a camera. I told him the camera was bullshit cause it was only 3 megapixels but he didn’t seem to mind. He was more thrilled he could take a picture and upload it immediately. Tyrone took the pics for the lastest Doctor Marten’s campaign which I saw every morning on the way to work cause they were on the phone box I walked past, until the “DO YOU KNOW WHAT A DONKEY PUNCH IS?” posters replaced them. He has no body piercings or tattoos, clean even teeth, is 6′3″ at least and a lovely smile, is employed. I don’t know his current relationship status, but this isn’t always important. God, I hope if he ever sees that he realises I’m only being semi serious.

Here is my desk in my office. There is just my desk in my office. And my office is a little room in a bigger room with two offices in it. I walk into my office, sit at my desk, look out the window at the big church, drink my latte [or make a tea if I was running late and didn't have time to stop], wait for my computer to start up, day dream for about two minutes, then work. I love job. I love joke. I love Sex Attack. That is a song. By Appareil.

xx Lektrogirl

July 29, 2008

SHITHEAD

I learnt a new card game today called Shithead with Jappers and Mr Chips in Finbury Park. SO MUCH FUN. I love card games and it reminded me of when I played Canasta for hours with my sister. We had the most beautiful card set with some Carmen Miranda lady on the back. The other card game we played was called Mhing. Or something.

Here is me the only time I was Shithead. Mr Chips ended up as Mega Shithead after crowing all arvo about what a champ he is and how he was going to bomb us all with his cards. And a fucking cheater!!

Here is Mr Chips totally desolate after his shameful loss searching through rubbish looking for some meaning to life. A spiritual cripple.

Some others with no dignity were these Italians who looked peaceful at this moment, but actually when Jappers and Mr Chips went to get some Doritos, they had a screaming row which disturbed my peaceful repose while I stared at the sky and dreamt of all kinds of beautiful things that you think about in summer weather. Unless you are stuck in an office with broken aircon.


Chillax to the maxxx

A long time ago I knew a man who was living in a hospital with patients living with different mental conditions. Robert was a real pain in the arse. He used to collect porn mags and display them by leaning them along his window ledge to offend the female nurses. He also stole cutlery so that he might eat in his room. It was not permitted to have such items in the rooms. All rooms were free of coat hangers, the mirrors were made from metal sheets [not very reflective] there were no shower curtains and no shower rails to tie sheets from.

I was wearing and Oeuf t-shirt [remember that label that Andrew Hartwell did?] that said HOMME MINUS on it when Robert saw me. Robert eyed me up and down and said from under his grey moustache “Oh you are one of those women are you?” I was so emo at the time I felt like crying in his face, but didn’t. I’m not a real man hater. But sometimes I feel like it.

It is properly raining now. I love it after a warm day. The air smells like magic spells.

I just went searching for my old French teach at College – Mr Redeker but couldn’t stalk him. He was one of my teachers who was very encouraging. He told me that I would be able to do anything I wanted, whatever that might me. I just haven’t decided what I want to do yet. Someone else said the same thing today. I’m glad I haven’t “lost it” after all these years.

xx Lektrogirl

June 15, 2008

POST SMOOCH

Well after being smooched to death a little while ago [but kept my lacey knickers on]and getting quite hot under the hood of my casual Ralph Lauren striped hoodie, I was only left to wonder, as I was leaning over my table trying to write a map back to the tube station whilst being manhandled, if the gent in question was an A, B, C, D or E.

xx Lektrogirl

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