To drown out the sound of my upstairs neighbours having sex on their sofa, I am chomping through a packet of Monster Munch as loudly as I can. To follow with the current them of gorging since Christmas day I am keeping up the diet by sharing 8 mini chicken kievs with Hobart while we wait for the Sainsbury’s delivery. I have fared quite well with my holiday diet – alcohol, cakes, chocolate, clafoutis, swigging lemonade from the bottle, biscuits, vietnamese banquets. My cold is not quite better but I am feeling a bit thrushy round the lady garden. Errr diet of crap everyone? You will all be pleased to know I bought a bottle of acidophiles [spelling? too lazy to get off sofa and check.]
In other lady garden news, the Monster Munch were actually in celebration of the fact there were “some signs” from the joint lady garden of Abbie and Lee. Namely, Lee polished off a Milk Tray to herself in 10 seconds. Long awaited but no-one is very excited as this has been the slowest baby in the universe. Let’s hope it makes it out by 2012 shall we?
And even though not in the garden and more in the “top tummy” region, [Dame Edna's best joke ever], a lady friend has some kind of cysty boil on her nipple. Ergh. She is apparently going to the doctor today. All I could say was “Take a picture in case they lance it.” I sent that message and I wanted to send “Please take a video while they lance it” but felt that was on the wrong side of concerned. Instead I spent a while googling images for “nipple cyst”. It has been a while guys hasnt it?!?!?!?! There was something about my lunch of exploding mini kievs that stopped me from watching any videos. Most interesting picture I found was OF A RAT who had a cyst on its nipple WHO CHEW IT OPEN ITSELF.
The rat is apparently called Izzy. I’d like to think as in Stradlin. Probably not.
As you know I love Hobart very much. Today she is being very efficient. So efficient I have to sit down and have a rest because she is really taking care of business.
While I am trying to re-arrange all my china and glassware [visions of the kitchen cupboard falling off the wall a la The Gorman household] Hobart is very in tune with what I am trying to do. Every footstep I go to take which I carry a towering pile of treasered dinner set she seems to know exactly where I want to go cause when I go to put my foot down she is right there. Everywhere I want to put down a balancing act of cake plates and dessert bowls she seems to be jumping right up underneath to collect them for me. And, every time I clear a space on the shelves and dust it, she jumps in and gives it that “lived in look” again with a fine spray of little black hairs.
If anyone would like to take advantage of such wonderful help, please call Hobart now as she is online and waiting. Dial 1-800-ANUSACHE for her direct line.
Alternatively, if you dont have any work to get done and would like some spiritual advice, she has recently taken up yoga and communicates with the universe using her spiritual mind. Her psychic predictions are 100% accurate.
Today I deliberately turned off both phones, stayed holed up in my boyfriends house, got out the tinsel and baubles and glitter snowflakes and built a mini grotto of Chritmas festive solitude. Instead of a tree, I build a three layered, six windowed, holly and poinsetta festooned Christmas house for putting presents in the windows and kind of neatly and tidily – way out of temptations path. I should take a picture of it because I am very proud of my little ropey efforts. There are only two presents inside at the moment – one from me for Hobart and one for Anthony from Hobart. I was in a little bliss. Even a tube of superglue exploding in my hands didn’t stop me for long. The smell of whitewash paint, that plastic smell of tinsel [I wish it was a perfume!] and the rustle of glitter snow strand things. Anthony said “Where am I going to put it??!!” It is too tall to go on top of the bookshelf. Instead it is sitting unevenly on some stack of stuff that looks so boring I can’t even be bothered to see what it is other than to know it is some solid shape.
Tonight for dessert, A-Dogg and I created a Swiss dessert – Chestnut Vermicelli in mountains on meringue with cream and raspberries. He is sitting playing “Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit” on the Xbox. He might have a need for speed but he aint gonna get far scoffing all the little mountains we made. More like “Need For Some Tracky Dacks: Hot Water Bottle”.
I love my blog. I haven’t given up on it. Or life.
I wanted to make a post about some lovely make do and mend projects around my house at the moment** [19.07.10 pic update below] – my new favourite belt which is just the elasticated waist band of a pair of mens boxershort I bought because I liked the print and wanted the scraps of fabric for something, my curtains I drew myself on sheets of fish and chip paper, and my very chic way of framing pictures but when I got to work my computer wont read the fucking card from the camera. So I have to make do and mend in another way and come up with something else to post.
Just to say first though I went to the FUN Magazine launch last night and drank too much. Paracetamol and loud music now are doing little to clear my thoughts but at least I don’t feel as gurpy as I did this morning.
Anyway here is a little tit bit of Friday afternoon fashion world gossip. Please excuse the XXCENSOREDXX’s – I could lose my job.
ah yes, XXCENSOREDXX. she can be a devil…..lovely back story…Barneys dept store did a window to coincide with the award….Icon.
XXCENSOREDXX asked all her friends to make a statement…to put in the window…Friend A XXCENSOREDXX’s best friend had a problem with her and Friend A wanted to say XXCENSOREDXX is” a piece of shit”….they made up in time…and XXA.L.T.XX refused to give a statement…saying “havent I said enough about you for 30 yrs….??!!”
XXCENSOREDXX is only interested” in the shinny” …that means she is only interested in high profile people and what they can do for HER…
I guess I am lucky to be privy to all this ..but I have to tell the gang of 4, ( Someone, Friend A, XXA.L.T. XX and XXCENSOREDXX) which surrounds XXDUDEXX and myself gets a bit sticky at times!
I’m a horder. In the last two weekends, I have put out into the trash no less than 5 large garbage bags full of crap that has been stuffing up my house. The majority of it is non-recyclable clothing – pyjamas I had worn to the last unth because flannelette after 100 washes is so soft, shit I had made to wear out to raves in the Rephresh / Rephlex days at Heaven [1996!], odd gloves, vintage things I had bought as rags in the first place and now after getting worn and pinned together for long enough and not able to be turned into a patchwork quilt. Pepper that lot with jars of spice I think I was born with, bags with no handles and the most useful of all – presents from the ex husbands parents.
What is also so disturbing is the large cardboard box of stuff that I just can’t bring myself to part with just yet because it is either a] recyclable or b] historic value or c] or personal priceless value. I ask you though – how many Silas cyclepath jackets are normal? How many Helmut Lang vests did one girl ever need? Can we add to that X-girl & Milk Fed t-shirts, hand made a-line skirts… Clothes I had bought from TOPSHOP or H&M before I stopped… Actually it is too embarrassing to go on. BECAUSE WHAT IS LEFT IS STILL AN ABSOLUTE MOUNTAIN OF CLOTHES CRAMMED ONTO MY SIX FOOT RAIL AND FOUR SIX FOOT SHELVES.
I cannot be described in any way as a minimalist. And there I was going on about how happy I was after visiting my favourite second hand clothes shop and buying more. No wonder I don’t have a boyfriend, there isn’t physically any room for one in this house with all the china, vintage clothes, baking tins and African barbershop signs.
And of course there is the question of Hobart. At 2.20am last night this is how a certain little someone could be found IN my bed, ON HER SIDE of my bed. Today, she has been loving all the activity. A little annoyed that her secret hiding space behind the laundry basket was pulled out, Hobart has had a great time disembowelling skirts that she liked the smell of [my boss has given me the greatest English Eccentrics skirt from under her bed!] and then grabbing the dustiest things she obviously though had greater value than I did and ferreting them off in the deepest corners under my bed. So helpful!
I am dreading cracking open the cupboard in the hallway. That is where the deepest sins lie. Plastic bowl caked full of plaster anyone? So before that, I am going to watch my buddy Jess Dickenson’s movie “Where the Dust Settles” I will report back later.
So banging on about Kings of Pastry again but can’t resist because now I have found out that the duo that made this movie – D A Pennebaker and Chris Hegedus – also shot another one of my favourite documentaries from my teenage years – 101 Depeche Mode. In the Depeche Mode documentary fans are picked out from a club to tour along in their own bus and follow Depeche Mode around the States. There is parts of DM live [obvs - and yes I used to wear white Levis, Doc Martins and Enjoy California t-shirts or with crying Virgin Mary's on them], the band behind the scenes and the fans all fighting, getting drunk or being total annoying fucktards. As you can well imagine.
Now, it has been a while since I have presented you will a video like the one I am going to post. That’s right folks I am back on the Cyst Videos. This one I don’t think is really magnificent in a gross out way to look at – what I find so interesting is how INTO IT the whole family are around the kitchen table digging into this guy’s back saying stuff like “i’m so happy right now” and “yeah the iPod is better – it has better colour”. Saying that the visuals aren’t that bad – still watch out. I just had my morning coffee and had to take myself to the kittens to stop thinking about it for a minute.
There are two very very important things that I tell myself every time after completing a home DIY project. And I forget every time when it comes round to do the next project. Let me share them with you and maybe you will benefit from this knowledge.
1] NEVER use the screws supplied for fixtures that are to go into mortar. The heads of the screw always “melt”, even with a hand screw driver, making it impossible to get the screw in or out. ALWAYS buy your own screws from the hardware store.
2] SNOOP DOGG & DR DRE are the two best artists to listen to while performing DIY tasks. Their soundtracks provide reasonable aggression, humour and focus and put you into the right frame of mind / swagger to get any job done in minimal time.
Thanks for listening.
P.S. If you have not cracked up at “I Love The DJ” by R Kelly yet, take a look on YouTube and you sure will.
Time to paint, new hall, new kitchen, new stove [but not installed - PRICKS], new life. I have spent the last day painting my hallway some colour called “alabaster” and I used trade paint that was a bit smellier than Dulux but HALF THE PRICE. Really nice quality paint though if anyone is interested.
My E is from Burger King originally, but I got it from Nathaniel at M Goldstein on Hackney Road. Here is a nice thing on Paul Gorman’s blog The Look Presents about the shop. And a picture of Pippa’s arse.
Anyway I also got new cooker delivered yesterday but Comet fucked up and sent it with the wrong guys – blokes who can deliver but weren’t qualified in how to install it. Durrr. So I can’t cook all week. :( The last thing I cooked in my old cooker was a freestyle fish pie. I was very proud of it. I was sad to see my old cooker go actually. I got it for £90 from a refurbished cooker place after getting a flat after being homeless. It served me well. I can’t believe I didn’t take a picture of the pie! But I did take a picture of my mini Toads In The Holes. TOO GOOD.
I wanted to make some cakes today. Oh well. Next weekend.
When I do my DIY round the house I always make sure I am wearing a well supporting bra – so of course a tight low cut bra with bows, lace and boning from AP and some comfortable but matching knickers. I think that the base to any outfit is very important – and if it makes you feel good then you will be able to achieve the impossible. A bit like watching Mistress of the Goodvibes Universe videos when she works out in Vivienne Westwood dresses or Mexican wrestling masks. I also have to wear this kind of underwear because my DIY outfit is pretty hardcore – cut off sweats and an old checked shirt from Pasadena. So if I hurt myself and need ambulance care I can keep my dignity. Or if there is someone like the Air Commodore who wants to have fantasies about ladies with tools, [OJ LOL], I would hate to disappoint.
I also like to make sure I have motivational music. I recommend Dr Dre 2000 or Snoop Dogg Tha Last Meal but each to their own [Mrs Kipling... who knows what it could be...]
So it is a bit like this at my house today as I start work on my bedroom which needs serious DIY.
Over the weekend I didn’t have my usual DIY outfit to hand so I just put some shelves up in knickers and a bra cause I didn’t want to ruin my dress. Yes – it seems that it is a common fantasy for men.
We all know that the Cardinal is more refined that me and she has been known to DIY in a cashmere sweater. I know that Caz has been on her hands and knees stripping paint on the floor. Madame I have seen DIYing in flats [Eley Kishimoto sneakers - green flash]. Mrs Kipling has reported to be doing her own painting and tiling – but I have no idea what she would wear.
I’ve left you for a while and now I’m here I am too tired to write anything.
Half a bottle of Miller’s Gin gone by my own doing having shared it first with Nathaniel and continuing with a midnight booty call**. I tell you – the only thing that gave me a headache was the alcoholic ‘chinotto’ that the Cardinal and I concocted while painting her kitchen over the weekend.
While I slept it off, on and off, through out the day, I dreamt of these sweet treats that C-Dogg had cooked.
And who knows – another My Love Life picture…
Watched episode 7 of Season 9 CSI tonight. The stupid miniature killers witch was in it again, there was a really shit sideline story with Nick Stokes and Hodges working together – MAKING BUDDIES – I suppose now that Warrick Brown is no longer with us, and another pathetic story with Jim Brass and some twat avenging her father’s death. What I really wanted to know is DID LADY HEATHER and GRISSOM FUCK THE SNOT OUT OF EACH OTHER AT THE END OF EPISODE 5??!! I wonder if they have sex, would Lady Heather let him cum inside of her. Or even cum at all? I’m sorry Sarah Sidle to even bring these questions to light but I never liked your posture.
Instead of me ‘rabbiting’ on about my vagina, [LOL get the rabbit joke? very topical given the SATC movie is with us... YAWN... are manara and i the only females who doesn't give a shit? actually the whole maison b lady gang couldn't care either] – it already seems like half of East London are already wanting to know if I’m still cobwebs or not, I will let Lil Wayne go on about gash instead.
It was my ex who brought this video to my attention noting ‘It looks like Lil Wayne has been working out a bit!’ [homo?] On inspection, it is true.
Anyway – I like the part about the worm and the apple butt. And JOKES BRUV when he can make it rain with his hurricain tongue.
Oh fit plasterer is here who smells sweet like dax pomade.
Photograph of the weekend by the Air Commodore. My hair needs some fucking work – it is all over the place!
Today was spent having some girl chats with The Cardinal drinking Lady Grey Tea and we did like all self respecting Brits do on a Bank Holiday – we put together her new garden shed.
Not only did we put this together, we killed a large number of gross spiders which I found personally exciting as it reminded me a lot of my childhood days. Then we went to the pub to meet the Air Commodore for dinner.
Felt a bit low today after seriously weird dreams about red light districts, bakeries and beating one of my ex’s with a ruler for lying to me about something. So to cheer myself up, I did as any girl in her right mind would do, I went round to the Cardinal’s to watch her and her sister sand the floors.
Cardinal got a little hot telling us that she was working in a cashmere jumper.