Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

December 2, 2010


It shocks a lot of people to learn how old I really am. No-one ever guesses it right. And then I always am surprised when Phil Thompson isnt as old as me or Sarah Lee or Philippa even. My dad and I can’t believe it.

This year my birthday didnt happen. PLEASE.

I woke up this morning and had a head ache that morphed into a projectile tea and hot cross bun barf. And then a whole day of wipeout city in bed and a bit more of the same.

Cake at work with my mates. CANCELLED.

Birthday dinner at El Parador. CANCELLED.

Weekend trip to Paris with the love of my life. CANCELLED.

Dinner with Goon and Fanny. CANCELLED.

Even Eurostar joined in. CANCELLED.

Nearly spent the whole night alone with no cards, no presents until Anthony turned up in a big surprise. NOT CANCELLED.

But a kiss for my birthday with puke breath. CANCELLED.

I officially declare my birthday December 1st CANCELLED.

July 6, 2010


I was sending a text to Cards tonight trying to explain what kind of sore throat I had. The only thing I could think of was telling her it was an “EXECUTIVE REALNESS FLU”.

Executive Realness comes from the movie Paris Is Burning which is a documentary about the New York Balls for the gay community. People dress up in outfits for different nominated categories, walk the floor and hope to grab a trophy. One category is “EXECUTIVE REALNESS” where competitors need to dress up like executives, and be REAL. Convince the judges that they are powerful, influential, making big decisions, EXECUTIVE.

Anyway, my sore throat comes from working to hard in shoes with heels, taking purposeful strides to the bank to make transactions, negotiating terms, recovering losses, making profit. I.E. “EXECUTIVE REALNESS FLU”. I really took the trophy on that one and live the life.

One category I would never win is “FEMME REALNESS”. I have very soft skin, but walk like a farmer [so my dad used to say] or a fat cop [so Antoine used to say] on his way to get another donut [which is kind of weird given I was rake thin at the time and living in a homeless persons shelter. If I could have afforded a donut I would have had one for sure!] I reckon I would be a good contender for “BUTCH QUEEN’S FIRST TIME IN DRAGS AT A BALL”  or maybe even one of the basic categories “MILITARY” as Alex T always says I look like a Mormon Lesbian and my old boss used to tell me I dressed like a lesbian prison warden.

I would definitely have a go at “CHEESECAKE” where you can be any shape & nude – you just gotta be sexy! “HIGH FASHION PARISIAN” is no good for me because you really gotta be thin for that.

My favourite category though doesn’t come from Paris Is Burning [you got to see it - download it from Pirate Bay or something if you must] it is off a YouTube video “DRAMATIC CUNTY” where you get to show those girls how cunt you are.

Honestly, I dunno what the dancers really mean, but the phrase has turned into something real in my life – courtesy of Nameless – who used to use it when I flipped over the edge. Truss me sistahhhhs we have all been there. And the thing is, it isn’t just for us geeeeeehhhhllllz but the men can have their dramatic cunty days as well. But I would definitely win at least a small trophy for my ability to walk the “DRAMATIC CUNTY”. If you can’t imagine it, here are some real life examples:

  • Getting totally wasted on amaretto and coke* and calling someone up and screaming down the phone at them they are a total cunt because they were talking to another girl ending in a fit of tears, snot down the face, crying and punctuating sobs with “I didn’t even want to drink it. I only drank it because it was there.”
  • Calling your ex-husband about 50 times time after time knowing he put you on call manager, storming down Holloway Road in your pyjamas at night time and banging on his door until the prick opened it, barging in, making him tell you something ridiculous and then having to beg him to walk you home because once you were over the anger were too scared to step out at that hour.
  • Chasing your boyfriend up the road crying because he didn’t want to hang out with you, calling after him, throwing your mobile phone at him with rage [It was a Nokia 5110 if you want to know] and watching it sail past his head because you are so mad you of course have no aim, watch it make contact with the pavement and break into a million pieces. And your boyfriend burst out laughing while you collapse on the pavement.
  • Getting so mad with your boyfriend that you rip up every love letter you ever wrote him in front of him while he begs you not to and you screaming “I gave you all these things and I can do what I want with them” and gathering up all the pieces with the polaroids and drawings you made and flinging the lot out the window. He looks out and down on the lower level roof top below the window and says “Great now all the neighbours can see a polaroid of your cunt when they look out in the morning” and making the boyfriend get a can, wrap it with sticky tape with the sticky part on the outside and lower the can down on a long long long piece of string to fish for the picture of your cunt and bring it inside with a furious shame.

All four examples of DRAMATIC CUNTY. I have [maybe only one or two hohoho] more examples there. I know for a fact every girl has had her day at the DRAMATIC CUNTY alter. I also know that every guy I ever dated had their DRAMATIC CUNTY days too.

* fucking CAREFUL okay.

June 25, 2010


After only 4 hours sleep, certain death seems inevitable, particularly when the TOM TOM lady in the taxi is telling us with urgent determination to do a u-turn at the earliest possible convenience the whole way. It is a bit like sitting next to Madame playing Mario Kart.

June 1, 2010


This internet dating thing is pretty constipated. The ones you don’t like make it so excruciating. The ones you do like have a profile but send “one liners” like “I don’t have a subscription yet. I will message you when I do.” I’m so pissed off I feel like going to Paris for the weekend at the exorbitant price of £309 and sleeping on at bench at the side of the canal – and I can take my patchwork quilt I’m working on with me.

Ergh, Hobart farted. If I didn’t want to die before I sure do now.

April 13, 2010


I am here only momentarily while I wait for the Cardinal to come and collect me and a cake so we can go to hers and watch “The Kings Of Pastry” which apparently moved her so much the first time round she cried.


And then reality struck – why the fuck should I even be thinking about it because we all know – who the fuck would be into me anyway. We all know the answer – ONLY A BIG FAT NO-ONE.

Cards is here. GTG.

March 19, 2010


And that is my life. You know it.

December 29, 2008


Now you know how to greet people in Greek! Fuck off Flickr you malaka. [top diss back the playground]

xx Lektrogirl

September 9, 2008


1girl, 1cup, originally uploaded by nirE cigaM.

Today I am totally heavy hearted. I mean – he’s below your league you need a man ‘you’re a prick you were wrong’ stand up for yourself and don’t let yourself be part of the negative problem ‘you’re being an idiot’ so amazing ‘not impressed’ you can make each other happy ‘he won’t make you happy’ i love you ‘you aren’t attractive any more’.

Everyone – I can’t keep up with you – you are driving me crazy! Which way is fucking up?

The answer to that is neither way. Because ultimately, I’m a nihilist.

xx Lektrogirl

June 26, 2008


Today has been a total:

Everything has gone wrong! No spiritual vibes love synchronisity for me – Sandy Morton you can Eff Off. Get up after only 4 hours sleep, meeting times fucked, money fucked, head fucked, cooking fucked.

WHY DO I BOTHER? It better not rain tomorrow – I have some errands in town and I want to wear my Marni shoes.

I even tried to make a vlog like the girls below to cheer myself up AND THE BATTERY WENT DEAD.

I’m gonna get my Anna Sui nail polish remover out and talk to it for a while instead – trying not to drink it – and get into bed and cry me a river.

Oh – on a positive note:

Cause I was so miserable today I bought myself these and I love them.

And what am I listening to? Fuck Em by David Banner.

I’m no 314 or 618, but where I am at on the Route of the 393 it sounds pretty good to me.

xx Lektrogirl

December 30, 2007


My plane was fine and everything was fine. I was fine. Until I learnt that some shit stirrer has been posting comments posing as other people. Unfortunately because of this, I have anonymous blogging off and only people with OpenID can post. Boo.

And whoever you are who thinks that is funny, I don’t hate Heather. And I might be over Paul, but I don’t hate him either. So you can fuck off whoever you are.

Kindest Regards

one incredibly jetlagged old witch who is only half way to England.

October 4, 2007


I just got back from Paul Gorman’s night, The Look down in South London. Pippa’s band All About Eve Babitz played again and Superduck and I got the chance to video tape two songs on two cameras at once and hopefully I will be able to edit it together to make a little video for them.

Here is a picture of the only cunt I want to know about right now. [See pussy smelling face story below for reference.] Anyway I was quite thrilled in a pathetic way to be shooting video with Nick cause he has made a documentary about Depeche Mode, proper pop videos as well as being close personal friends with Jeremy Deller. Which if you ever read the Shop At Maison B blog you would know I have already made a prick of myself in front of him.
Important to note – here is Nick freestyling his first “showerface” on his own. A LOT. Please send me your review on my first pupil’s “showerface” performance. I was actually trying to explain this to DJ Assault at the time but Nick really got a firm grasp of the “showerface” concept.

When I was in Milan I was so miserable. Here is my eye. I went and catalogued all the people in the SLOWHITE section who were on the stands there this way. I looked the tiredest. But I think it was all the secret crying I was doing.

Katharine on the other hand was coping with Milan this way.

I’m thinking of starting a new business in my lunch break. For one pound people can visit the Katharine Hamnett archive for one hour and be truly amazed at all the crazy shit we have out in the back room. I swear to got – Cassette Playa and Silverlink would LOVE it! I always think of Carrie when I see the paisley jeans for some reason. They are pretty fly jeans.

Anyway here I am a bit tired and sad. But tomorrow is another day, which just happens to be FRIDAY!! Woo-Hoo!! One more day til Saturday and that means I can go and meet Cory and get a guided tour of his new exhibition opening at Max Wigram Gallery on New Bond Street. This show is going to be really awesome. I relaly looking forward to seeing Cory again and what new direction he is moving in.

Okay – I’m too tired now.

xx Lektrogirl

OMG!! I forgot to say XXCENSOREDXX has been telling me how horney he has been lately and how he can’t stop having sex and he was thinking that by 40 this would have stopped but it totally hasn’t. Which was a bit weird cause like I don’t know XXCENSOREDXX THAT well. So I told him all about the time I discovered that XXCENSOREDXX had been sending emails to men off gay sex sites [advertising himself as 9" un-cut who likes nipple work and leather] and reading all the replies from different guys – some even including pictures of themselves with giant dildos up their bums [do men's call them dildos too or is there a gay word?] or sitting astrid a horse in the nude except for leather chaps and a waistcoat.

August 30, 2007


Let’s show these girls how cunt you are…

August 20, 2007


Youtube it. Im on the bus again with my incredible phone so I cant embed something.
Max was really curious when he saw my – i even let him have a go. I have known him for 8 years though so it is totally cool. Not sure how I would feel about anyone else…
Pippa was more interested in the vogue style dance dramatic cunty. What made me think of it again was that totally describes me last night throwing out the last of someones stuff into the rainy street and slamming the door in their face. Then the 38 missed calls on their phone cause they ‘had it on silent’ and me being like Will Ferrell in Blades Of Glory all over their voice mail. god I’m snorting with laughter as I write this. So dramatic cunty. It has all blown over now though. Safe blud. Besides I haven’t got Jammer’s number yet.

Lektrolab are going to be selling off loads of extra equipment we don’t have the storage for – Speak and Spells (we have a gang of them untouched and excellent for circuitbending), a little family of Gameboys (even a nice black one) perfect for LSDJ and 20 flash carts at the moment blank but I think Paul will contact Johan and use the eprom to put LSDJ on them all. Also I’m selling my EnsoniqSQ80 it has the instruction manual and 4 carts a load of sound CD’s… I shed a bit of a tear over that… But I never use it anymore and it is worth a fair bit. If anyone is interested let me know before I put it on Gumtree and have to speak to cunts.

xx Lektrogirl

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