Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

February 20, 2011


Tonight we went to the new Ottolenghi restaurant Nopi. Then we went to the Trocadero looking for Hitty Mouse. They didnt have it but there was a lot of other stuff. We won enough tickets to swap for a plushy loveheart with arms and legs that we brought home and rubbed with catnip and gave to Hobart. She licked it good. It was really dribbly when she finished with it.

Tomorrow I am going to try cooking dim sum for the first time. If I fail, I am going to try and enrol in the cooking school in Hong Kong for the day when I am there.

Then we watched two episodes of SVU and one of Criminal Minds.

It must be really late and I must be really tired because I am frowning.

November 1, 2010


October 23, 2010


This Saturday the 23rd of October we have Club Philos 3 – What do you want from a night? Wicked music with a fun vibe? Club Philos is for you. A mixture of 80s/90s pop/house/disco bangers, up to date bangers, silly tunes, R&B, love songs, the works – Ice Rink Classics. From 10pm to 5am. It’s only £3 and free glass of Champagne for the women before 11. Get there early!!


£3 entry

All money after covering costs will go to a local charity.


If you have not been to Club Philos before, let me take a moment to show you a little bit of what it is like:

October 13, 2010


“The net amount is the difference between this month’s net and last months net The payroll letter and reports are attached.

<<DOC001.PDF>> <<XXXXX_357_PAHERSLP.pdf>> <<XXXXX_357_PAMETHBA.pdf>> <<XXXXX_357_PARUN6.pdf>> <<XXXXX_357_PARUNT3.pdf>> <<XXXXX_357_PARUNYTD.pdf>>

I will post the original documents when you have reviewed the reports.”

Hi guys, this guy called this morning and I thought that as we are not so happy with who we use at the moment we may be interested in checking this company out. I am not sure what your current issues with the current ones are so if you would like to put your questions forward we can see how they compare. x

Kindest regards,

Thanks Emma, and I hope to review the lease docs that you sent over by e.mail this week.

Best wishes

Thanks for that.  We also have our own fridge – are we allowed to bring this to use in the office area? That’s fine so long as it’s been PAT tested.


August 23, 2010


A weekends’ work is never done in just one weekend so I have taken a large portion of this morning to finish up what I wish I had time for between Friday night and early Monday morning. I feel justified cause last night I had a dream I was at work and was docking everyone’s wages because they all stopped working at 4.30pm every day to play cards or mess about with video editing software and I refused to pay them for the privilage. I was roasting tomatoes on giant baking sheets and one of the girls was saying to me “But it’s already 5 o’clock” and I was saying resolutely “But you finish at 6…”

This dream seemed like it when for hours so I am just recouping a little of what I lost by creating a public figure page for Hobart on Facebook [want to be her friend? You know what to do]

I went to the doctor this morning and she got blood out of me like she did it every day. Last time I went to the nurse it was really traumatic and I was lying on the lino about to faint crying after he tried three times in the backs of my hands and got nothing. I wanted to puke over that actually. Then that night I went out with He-Man for Japanese food for dinner. I took him to Chisou on Princes Street off Hanover Square and we had LOVELY stuff.

This weekend coming up, we are going to P.A.R.I.S.


Oh and I forgot to mention Venom was around on Saturday with a music pal and with God Of Manly Love Personified the three of them got on like a house on fire [or like a bottle of lube in a Gay Bar] making a track together. It was so lovely. I practiced my Cantonese homework in the bedroom only getting up to mix them another round of cocktails and check they werent all fingering one another they were getting on so well and went back to my bedroom to vibe with all the friendly testosterone in the living room. Hobart loved it too. Then on Sunday coming back from The Dove which had great beer but weird air, I did a little strip show and took my knickers off from under my dress to cheer my pal up. A little bit of sauciness always works.

August 2, 2010


Start Time: Saturday, 07 August 2010 at 22:00
Location: The Shacklewell Arms
Street: 71 Shacklewell Lane
Town/City: London, United Kingdom

July 26, 2010



July 4, 2010


As illustrated by the picture above, I have done the best I can to cleanse myself after two hours of tennis ON BOTH COURTS [or pitches as Madame a calls them], a modern music freestyle performance by Joe, Due and I on trumpet, flute and vocals and then a greasy relax-o-thon spread out on their bedroom floor getting lathered in moisturiser. I put my foot down when the lipstick came out. Just as well as I had to wipe myself with tissues before I could get on the tube and cut a knot out of my hair post braiding.

Our song was pretty spiritual and like a calling to the feral within for all of us. The lyrics are:

Duke… Put your heels on mate! Don’t choke on it! Slipped Wig! Bow tie! Splendour!
Thunder and Lightening, Storm, Australian Delirium!

Which all makes perfect sense if you can keep up with 8 year old twins and a 37 year old who keeps changing her age.

Madame took pictures. I can only imagine. [Check them out on Madame's blog] Oh Christ! Sometimes the two of them amaze me. I was describing a pretty skin crawly scenario that happened to me recently saying to Joe “Can you imagine anything worse?!” and he just said back “Don’t imagine it! It’s real!” [Thanks Joe, rub it in! Truss me systahhh SO REAL.] and Duke over his shoulder while playing Mario Kart “Yes it’s real. Get over it!” [And there was Madame and I snorting into our star etched glasses of Cava courtesy of Mrs Kipling who had vamoosed earlier.]

Next time I go over I might take my 4 track and the three of us can record the session. But I think I will skip the hair treatment. No offence Joe, even though I think a clip on rats tail on the side of my head is a strong look for summer.

June 21, 2010


One minute giving up on life ferreting my way into the bottom of the trash can of life, next minute jumping round a tennis court like an over sexualised L’Oreal advert singing this to myself:

[although if you are going to be wearing a purple lycra play suit, i think it should fit like a pam hogg glove a little more don't you?]

This morning I am particularly excited because the Lesbians are getting married. They came to my wedding and stood up at the wrong moment like they were gonna get married so here we have destiny fulfilling prophecy. I am sitting here feeling a little bit nervous and butterflies for them actually [or is it the management accounts I have to produce by 12pm today as well?]

Now here is a bit of highbrow gossip for you: an ex poet laureate – you know a poet appointed by the government who is supposed to write a poem when something like a coronation or a war or something major happens when they are appointed – apparently went up to some woman at a party and said to her with fierce intensity in an attempt to seduce her “You look like the kind of woman who has a cunt of fire.” When Mrs Kipling told us that yesterday all babes there were a mixture of errrgh and hahaha and jokes about volcano tits and fireman’s hoses quickly followed. I really hope that poet laureate managed something a little better for the Queen than that! The last time I had a cunt of fire I had thrush from using a weirdly lubricated condom. TMI but seriously URGH!

This week is shaping up to be a good one already – a wedding, The Phene Arms in Chelsea is opening tonight – who wants to come? – Valeria is sleeping over and interviewing me about internet dating and I suspect some more lame at names content, the hot lawyer from work is coming to give the girls some training, julia from upstairs is having a party [drinking on the fire escape with views of mayfair anyone?] and crikey it’s almost Saturday again already.

Life is good when it’s good. Don’t worry guys, I will be back to my usual miserable self at any time undoubtedly.

P.S. Just FYI, let’s not forget my nickname in Hamburg is Platinum Pussy BTW. I don’t want you all to think I have a problem fanny.

June 20, 2010


Who would have thought that I would love tennis so much! Today was a great series of matches. The best part is how flexible with the rules we can be – “It’s still in.. Still in… Ahhh no you killed it!!!” – based on the ball still bouncing and it’s in rule and how much you can work the ball before it dies. Mrs Kipling is even talking about week-a-day matches in Regents Park so I think I will buy myself a racquet. I want a neon green one like Duke because I think I can work some incredible outfits with it.

It was then back to play the usual other sport – Mario Kart – with a bottle of Cava accompanied by PomBear and grubby fingers:

I hope all my Sundays this summer are a bit like this.

I also got to talk to Mum today.


Hola amigos!

Welcome to life living the vida loca as per usual. I woke up this morning and started working on an old video I haven’t finished yet but got stuck in a hard drive k-hole and found a funny old rip of a DVD I had that had Indian music and dialogue that I didn’t understand at all. Basically, it could be a new video for Sandstorm by Darude.

If you want to see them together in action, check here.

Yesterday my mew Kenwood mixer arrived and Dora got 4 cakes. She yelled at me because she told me before that I was not allowed to have male visitor until after she had been. I apologised profusely and then talked her into promising to teach me how to make fufu next weekend. She showed me recent pictures of her family and we talked about me going to Ghana in November – which will be SO EXCITING. She said though she will have to make a big funeral cause three people in her family have died since she left Ghana and so she will buy me a black dress and she will teach me how to do the traditional dances. She showed me some moves and they look manageable for an esteemed dancer such as myself.

As captured at Club Philos by Cesca [also received and award for "Most Summery Outfit" in the middle of December last year]. That was such a sad moment. Dad was dying and I didn’t know if he would be alive before I got there and I would be leaving Hobart for the first time.

Dad called me today on the mobile to use up his credit. I love him. I told him I was going to play Tennis today.



Last week it ended up like this:

And me with sore muscles in my arse for a week.

June 7, 2010


On Wednesday last week, or maybe Tuesday, I decided I would go to Paris for the weekend. It was probably the best idea I have ever had because it turned out to be one of the best weekends I have had in a long time. Not only was the weather perfect, my buddies were in good form, flea markets open on the ground before me and the nantes crew sent me and mms of cocktail glasses filled with macarons saying “we are in Paris”. Woohoo, I was too!


Tomato salad and olive oil & vanilla ice cream in the background there.

My favourite breakfast at L’Estaminet. After brekki there I FINALLY got to go to IMAGES & PORTRAITS the found photo shop on the corner of the Marché des Enfants Rouges and GO IN and wasn’t shooed away by the rudest man on earth.  AND I BOUGHT STUFF. All vintage black and white I got a weird nudie pic with a girl wearing a mask flashing her stained knickers, a pic of two men who had shot a deer in their garage and one looks like a lunatic, a family having a picnic in the ‘5o’s and look like total nutters, a pair of something I can’t tell you because they are a present for someone and a really nice picture of the silhouettes of the backs of some peoples heads looking at a flying helicopter. That last one is really my favourite best. It reminds me of the end of the world and is very sad and weird. A bit how I imagine some kind of flashforward. OH and a line of men on a stage that look like scientists holding number cards. So as you can imagine, a small fortune was parted with in the name of home beautiful. It is a shame the man who has the framing shop at the end of my street isnt such a lush because I would feel much better taking them all to him rather than relying on HABITAT.


Here we are outside Pierrot’s. That Heinekin glass is actually a gin and tonic. Yes. You read right.

Then please note the vodka bottle combined with the gin from earlier on and imagine the headache I had wandering around Paris on a boiling hot day in the Marais at a giant flea market there. Couldn’t have been happier, except for the head.

Goon’s face says it all really.


Here is Goon and Vincent about to start re-enacting their favourite scene from Brokeback Mountain at a picnic on the banks of the Seine before we tucked in to take away tarts from Tartes Kluger.

Later that night we watched a man standing in a tunnel on his own with his back to us. We weren’t sure if he was pissing, tripping, asleep against the wall, wanking… except he was motionless. On a closer inspection, he had been standing there for ages texting.

After that we wandered around and had quite delicious Mojitos in the warm night. Too good.


It is easy to see why Parisian women get their reputation.


Oh Didier…



What exactly have you and Nathalie done to me from your patisserie Pain de Sucre?

At the Parc de Vilatte there was some big festival thing. As Goon said giving me directions “Follow the hipsters”. A SEA of hot hot hot French men sitting around on the grass, looking casual and hot and curly haired and beautiful. And the most delicately flavoured cakes of my life.

I’m gonna skip the part about getting back and hitting my head on the taxi and crying all the way home, having to call Cards because I thought I lost my keys, spreading my entire suitcase across the pavement while Hobart who had been home alone for days meowed frantically trying to get closer through the window and then getting a cold because that would just ruin A PERFECT WEEKEND AWAY!

April 8, 2010


I don’t have it but I got the day off today. I will be working remotely on the end of year accounts. Last night I had a rainy strange dream that I was back working at Katharine Hamnett with the lawyer wearing a ginger wig, the PA, the rest of the staff all mixed in back to when I was also the visual merchandiser at Urban Outfitters when the first store opened here on Kensington High Street. I will put the crazy dreams down to eating too much with the Cardinal at El Parador – the Portuguese restaurant in Mornington Crescent I am eternally grateful to Mrs Kipling for introducing it to me [and the rest of the Lady Gang.] We had a roast beetroot, raddiccio and pinenut dish I am craving right now!

Mutts is having a hysterectomy today and my sister and I are discussing gross out facts like pads in the vagina to stop it from growing over after the op, her cat Harley stealing chicken right out of my niece Chloe’s mouth, telling the kids I ate brain and the look of horror on their faces, Dad will live to 100 and will definitely keep lying until his final moment as to how he has fallen out of his chair [third time today in as many weeks - just waiting for the other hip to snap...], reminiscing about Cherry Choc Wedges at the Royal Hobart Hospital kiosk and their demise, eating tongue or tripe in Scotland. It was a nice sisterly moment that doesn’t always happen between us.

I am counting down the days until I see my fambles again – on the 24th I will be touching down at Hobart International Airport. I’m not joking. It really is a slightly fancy giant corrugated iron shed.

March 24, 2010


I got some nice emails. Thanks buddies. I saw CIB this morning. So nice. Thank you thank you. And then I ate this:

Not the piece above, but a wedge of Comté cheese from Waitrose. Lactose intolerance be fucked. Until I am on the loo later crying thinking of Manara asking myself WHY?! And trust me it won’t be all happy like 2girls etc [if you can call puking and eating it again happy?]

Then I got a text message from my boss who obvs had nothing better to do at work after everyone had gone and I had turned the lights off but go through the reception desk computers email spam folder and check what was in there on her own. Why? I don’t know. Why did I eat so much cheese? It was obviously very necessary. Tomorrow I am going to have to explain about web spiders, 250 spam in a day is no big deal, that yes the receptionist is doing her job and everything is double checked by everyone. And sit there feeling ill.

I GTG. That cheese is gurgling round in a bath of tea with honey and soya milk.

December 5, 2009


And no I don’t mean the Champagne bar in Chelsea.

So, The Cardinal gave me the fabulous book Nollywood by Pieter Hugo. I love all the pictures of the women and witches and demons. I know how they all feel! Redwine and peanut sick dreadlock anyone?

SATURDAY! I spent quite a while reading other birthday presents from last week scoffing nougat and waiting for my cleaner to be 2.5 hours late which is long, even by her standards. I did call her to find out what was up and she was having a fight with her flatmates who all had electric heaters in their rooms and not admitting it so she was paying more than her share of electricity. The landlord came for a big meeting so big trouble in little Ghana.

Through the course of the day, I decided the best use for my completely luxurious and useless new Luella notebook calf skin bound and embossed with a mushroom, would be to jot down some of Dora’s comments about life. And today I was laughing with tears in my eyes about Elizabeth the other white clear she knew that was so fat she has no shape and so she told her and Elizabeth complained to the supervisor but no-one cared, the old lady who had a stroke and the Jamaican threw away her walking frame and how Jews [the חסיד ones] wear shoes that are so bad that if you throw one, not even a dog would touch it.

xx Lektrogirl

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