Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

March 13, 2015

2007 – 2011 – 2015

I didn’t realise it was that long.

2007 I was 35

2015 I will be 43

Then: drinking, clubbing, dancing, gossiping, fitting into vintage clothes, no cat(s), getting over a divorce, getting over being mental, having intense relationships, casual sex. There was the phase with lameatnames.com the internet porn gallery and sex blog. Travelling meant DJing, getting drunk and hooking up with some hot or grotty or both guy.

This continued until about 2011.

Then I didn’t feel like writing about any of that stuff any more. I met someone very special and I wanted to keep it all private. I had cats who couldn’t read the internet and I wanted to hang out with them. I had a niece and nephews who can read. I also figured a client from a brand in one of the luxury groups did not want to accidentally happen upon a photo of my anus. I also don’t feel that great about posting so many pictures of myself on the internet because I got fat. I remember making jokes about getting your fingers covered in sauce after eating fish and chips saying “It’s like sticking your fingers up a fat girl” (actually I think it was Nick and Ben who actually said it) and now I am the fat girl. On the flip side, I own a great company and fingers crossed it will continue to do well.

So now 2015, no promises but I think I might start having a go again. And no promises the anus won’t come out. 43 or not.

August 29, 2011

SELF HELP & HELP YOURSELF

After getting into trouble recently for retweeting this: http://youtu.be/Hu_MhgIFDGM which has got to be one of the most horrific things I have ever see – abhorrent to every sense (Forget they cysts – they don’t have floor length dreads) I fear another rebuke for discussing blogging about this movie I watch recently as part of a self help / self therapy program.

Abstinence from blogging should reveal (and then the things I write about when I do) that I have been having bad mood vibes, trouble coping, worrying about losing my place in the world. Unfortunately my usual therapy: hours of back to back CSI, Law and Order and Criminal Minds is not available. And really my problems feel a lot more spiritual – rather than relaxing my mind, I need to know who I am and where I am going. So the other day I was reminded that Javier Bardem, although now a little marred by marrying Penelope Cruz, is one hot mother and set about collecting all the more recent moves he played in to watch.

This is how I came across the movie Eat Pray Love starring Julia Roberts as a writer who has lost her way. And then she does some scenes at the end with Javier Bardem who was so unattractive to me at the point in the movie as my spew button was so firmly pressed I would only be able to barf, not bang.

By the way, I dont think there could be more of a spoiler for this movie, than the movie itself but if you havent watched it yet and are absolutely dying to, I will be discussing the plot in the post. So if I havent turned you off it enough, by saying the movie is really shit, I advise stop reading now.

So Eat Love Pray as I said is the story of a writer who loses her way in her marriage and sets off around the world to discover herself. Funnily enough the original story for this movie was written in a book by an author who had lost her way, was sleeping on the floor of her bathroom and set off to find herself around the work – going to Italy, India and Indonesia. There is a little clue there – I I I. That is to say Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts, Julia Roberts. If you want to see her carrying a yoga mat having spiritual dilemmas this is it. There is a lot of Julia Roberts going on about I I I. As an excuse for breaking up with people, stuffing her face with pasta, getting the shits or photocopying a book in aid of and Indonesian man.

So I watched the whole thing. Watched Julia Roberts pretend to meditate and make a young floor scrubber the person she dedicated her prayers to so she would have a happy marriage after her arrange wedding. I watched Julia Roberts tell another woman that she has no interest in being obese but that we should love our muffin tops. And then my own meditations began. If I was the kind of person who would want to go off to India and meditate would I find this so gut churning? Why am I not the kind of person who is really interested in yoga and meditation when so many other people get so much out of it? What is this feeling in my stomach troubling me? Where does this saddness come from? Some of the stuff in this movie is actually quite nice wisdom? But who is the chump who paid for this movie to be made? I could imagine Tom Cruise sponsoring a movie following his religious persuasion. But isn’t Julia Roberts a scientologist too? What is religion.

So in front of this diabolical movie I wound myself into some profound analytical thinking. By the end of the movie I was crying my eyes out when Julia Roberts told Javier Barden she wouldnt go to the island with him. Is this movie the reason why I wanted to dump Anthony that day? Or was this movie the reason why I decided to snap out of it? It doesnt matter.

On that day, something happened. My mind freed itself from the usual thoughts that get turned over and over like a cement mixer churning sand and concrete.

So where am I going with this post?

I cant even remember myself. A company claiming to be 3 keeps calling me. Today I picked up and they congratulated me on being a good customer and that I would get an upgrade on the phone. Trying to sell me a SAMSUNG. Then I twigged it was a scam when he mentioned something about a new phone and a new number. That number is blocked now. But anyway all that happened in the middle of this.

But probably I mean to say even in total bullshit false smiles and a lot of taking different names of Lords in vain I would say going by Julia Roberts meditations, there is still some essence of truth and beauty. In the same breath I could say that when life is shit, make lemonade. Which I new already, but it is nice to get reminded of it else where every now and then.

On an entirely separate note: Bai Bai Charlie. I hope you are free from all your aches and pains now and have two eyes instead of one. xxx

February 15, 2011

FEBRUARY

Well as posting is almost once a month at the moment I should take this opportunity while I have the edit window open to write something for a change.

Health Update : cold [still] visited doctor sinus infection antibiotic and nasal ointment thrush now [brilliant] but hopefully will be better by the end of the month because

Travel Update : IM GOING TO HONG KONG AGAIN FOR WORK to look for product developers based in Hong Kong who have worked in the EU luxury industry but I am there for 5 days so will be able to do a bit of personal research into the food / pet stores / trash shops / button & trim shops and of course, pompom ville. Hobart gets all her pompoms from there to date. Then I am off to see

Family Update : Dad in Tassie for four days. We are going to cook lunch together at Mums one day, I am going to check out Jackman and McRoss again apres pot conversations with Richard about the lack of cake shops in Turnpike Lane and also to check out MOMA or whatever it is called – the brilliant [apparently] gallery there with my mum and her mate Helen and her teenage son Gus who was pissed off we didnt get to see each other last time. He is hilarious.

Restaurant Update : The Eating Still Goes On.
Mason & Taylor on Bethnal Green Rd totes worth it if you like to try different beers [the even do thirds] and nice food.
Wahaca finally – cant stop thinking about the pork.
Goldfish in Hampstead [on East as well I think] for the Sunday dim sum buffet. Doesnt look much from the outside, or even inside for that matter, but all you can eat dim sum straight from the kitchen all delicious.
Did I say about The Meantime Brewery already? Must have done – top recommendation eating food where they brew their beer and a menu that has beer recommendations great food.
NOPI – Ottolenghi restaurant open in Soho so dinner on Saturday night. SO EXCITED. Then going to the Trocadero afterwards.

Adventure Update : Clacton-on-sea
I have 255 tickets and we are planning on going back again because I want to win more that a box of pencils.

August 18, 2010

MEERCATS

There is a stirring in the meercat nest today. Not all the cats woke up happy.

I didn’t sleep so well last night. The bed broke. And the person I was sleeping with leapt out of bed in the middle of the night and cried “THE SHIRTS” with real panic, touched all the washing hanging on the clothes horse, and climbed gently back into bed. He had no recollection of it in the morning.

So lets rewind a few weeks to my blog when all I had to write about was my terrible online dating progress. How things change. Now I have stories about walking around ASDA in High Wycombe telling New Boyf that I am going to make a Piñata in the shape of his head for his next birthday and how all his friends will love me because they will be able to bash his head with a stick and it will be full of so many sweets cause I could fit so many in there. I really laughed. He didn’t really. Now before my dear friends say “WITCHY!!” may I just point out the irony of that situation is HE ACTUALLY SAID HE WAS GOING TO MAKE A PINATA OF MY HEAD FIRST.

In a wind up of the online dating experience, I have either found someone great OR this is going to end up being the biggest wind up shit storm of all. If there can be anything worse than taking 20 magic mushrooms with a fully clothed guy but with his dick out that Philippa works with at an office party of hers while soldering new Lady Gaga outfits with LED lights getting fingered by a trademark lawyer who works at Shell. Or not. I dont think this will end up bad. I worry that it is all too much of a good thing and the universe will explode everything in my face like a giant abscess filled with the equivalent of 4 litres of melted butteresque pusy matter. But then who knows maybe not. I am never very good with change. But I try my best.

I just know I have a little cat at home who is waiting for me and I am going to bring her a little meercat doll I saw at the shop that she will love I am sure and then I am going to set up a livestream that I can log into any time and check out what the little cat is up to.

Who wants a cup of tea?

July 6, 2010

WALKING MESS

I go forth today after a breakfast of soothing throat sweets and antiseptic throat spray. I was going to call in sick but the strains of poor quality eurodance from above followed by I think La Roux was enough to rattle me from my death bed.

I feel like  spaghetti today with most of it on the table and not a lot of it reaching the plate.

Hopefully the litre of OJ, the vitamin C tablets, the banana, the pretzel and the small tub of cookie dough ice cream I bought on the way to work will see me right.

July 5, 2010

IN SEARCH OF SPIRITUAL ENLIGHTENMENT

Vanessa is back and she walked past my desk and told me I looked good in green. I told her that I have been wearing green ever since my fashion consultant and spiritual advisor Tenly Wong met with me at the Temple Street Night Market in Hong Kong. Vanessa just took one look at me over the top of her glasses and said “Oh come on. He didn’t predict you were going to get buggered by your friends did he!” So trying to brush sand over that one I said quickly, “Tenly Wong did tell me that I am going to be lucky finding love over seas!” To which Vanessa replied, “Yes I suspect he was trying to point you in his direction…”

That old bird, she can’t miss a trick that one.

I have made it very clear that I will not be taking 20 magic mushrooms any time soon, but if I was given the lime and the coconut to drink I certainly would. The magic potions I have been drinking lately have come in the form of the palm, face, bone and Chinese Astrology reading from Tenly Wong, a visit to the Spiritual Church where Margery in polyester and pearls apparently fluffed it all from the other side and finally I spoke to a telephone psychic the other night [who I have received previous council from in the past and her comments all came true.] And of course my weekly council from Dora.

I also have a ceramic tile painted with an Indian man’s face that I use for Fashion council when I don’t know what to wear I go and ask him what to do. And there is the Spiritual Family that Valeria found for me in Brittany that hangs on the wall – some old clog maker and his two wives [as I imagine them] for just general day to day affairs and they take care of me without me having to ask anything of them.

Am I mental? I like to like in bed at night and imagine the jungle with the window open hearing the birds and the wind in the trees. If I am mental, bagsy go to the Muppet Witch Doctor first…

June 24, 2010

ENFP AND A SPIRITUALIST CHURCH

Last night with Iris and Madame I went to a Spiritualitst church for an hour of clairvoyance.

I think we would have got more if we had given Iris’ dog Chilli a pair of scissors and asked her to cut from card impressions of our future. I got a reading about getting cold feet about things, being good with my hands, getting a new bag and that my mother was dead. Apparently I should say more than I do, that I can do more than I think… If that were true it leaves me in a real quandry – I alway feel like I move too quickly, say too much, freestyle what I do anyway. Maybe she was feeling the vibe of the person who was sitting in the same spot last week.

HOWEVER, meeting with a firm of accountants today, I was informed I am an ENFP personality type. I love all that mumbo jumbo analysis stuff when it isnt trying to be really true. I read the description of what I am though, and what Jess’ is, and we both had to say of each other that they were quite descriptive of our characters. I was a bit sad to read that ENFP’s only make up 2%-8% of the population [of people that believe in it? of people in the west that have been analysed? I mean who knows, maybe a lot of people in Papua New Guinea are actually this but they never got tested?]

I also quit Guardian Soulmates for a while. I mean, what kind of place is that anyway?

= = = = = = = = = = =
P.S.
Please read Iris39’s report on the same event at the Spiritualist church here. It is worth the click.

April 18, 2010

PET SPIRITUALITY


Every day there comes a moment where you find yourself in a very deep spiritual moment with your pet. I hear it all the time from fellow pet owners. Obviously, even in the olden days they did it – these two are so close I’m not even sure where the dog tail ends and the scarf begins. It is a love that is of course not normal even though we all do it. So intense. And not at all embarrassing…!!!

My flight to Hong Kong / Melbourne / Hobart [the city] has been delayed because of volcanic intervention. I can’t say I am not a little bit glad because I get to spend a little extra time with Hobart [the cat] in the lovely London sunshine. Shortly I am going to make some macaroons. I asked Hobart if I should make a cake and she gave a kind of small weak miaou. Then I asked “macarons?” and she went crazy. It is great to have a live in Spiritual Advisor. Then Dora the Ignorer comes once a week and we talk about other stuff like immigration, stupid people and money. This week I got to see pictures of her Mum Abena and her 5 children. I have to tell you all, TALK ABOUT BABESVILLE.

Anyway to get formalities out of the way – sorry Beniah Brawn – I don’t know why I can’t post directly to this blog from Flickr cause I could before and I can on the Lektrotour Food blog. I hope I cover all necessary post backs for you here.

If you want to find out who this lady really is and where she comes from, check Beniah Brawns amazing Flickr stream here.

March 21, 2010

SUNDAY

Today I:

  • slept in til 10.30pm
  • half made two shirts – one floral with from a pattern and one white from my head
  • made a pavlova that was a fail
  • made a hazelnut and morello cherry loaf that was a win
  • watched shutter island that was pretty dissapointing
  • avoided the black dog for another day
  • August 15, 2009

    AM I NORMAL

    I got up with a hang over and at some hummous and crackers with my little cobber Hobart on the sofa. Then I did some dished. While I was washing with my marigolds on, I was day dreaming about getting a really terrible disease and having to stay in hospital for a long time and wondering if my friends would be allowed to bring Hobart in to sleep on the bed with me. My mind wandered further and I imagined tell my friends how ill I was and how I would have to live on the ward for a long time and my friends were rallying around offering to take care of Hobart and who would watch the flat etc etc. I considered letting my ex live in the flat on the one condition he didn’t root anyone in my bed – but on that point he can’t be trusted. [He apparently returned an earring to a lady friend that she had left at his apartment ONLY IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S EARRING. WHAT A DOUCHE.] Anyway so back to me being critically ill in hospital. Finally I agreed with myself that it would be best if Mrs Kipling and The Cardinal took it in turns to take care of Hobart as I know I could trust them both. I ended up thinking about my Granny Barbara who ended up hanging herself in the New Norfolk hospital in Tasmania with a shower curtain and the big pool tables they had in the recreation room there we had to hang out in when Mum and Dad when to visit her before she died.

    Then I caught myself – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT – and remembered my dream. In it I was bestie friends with the ex girlfriend of The Rubber Band Man!!! How this happened I don’t know. We were chatting away in French. In my dream her face was very soft and friendly. I don’t think this will ever happen though. She called me a whore once for sleeping with her ex. Such is life.

    Speaking of life, The Frenchman left a bag of figs on my doorstep the other night.

    xx Lektrogirl

    August 1, 2008

    DRESSED LIKE A MORMON

    Oh Allah. Today was pretty lacklustre. Dinner was pretty dramatic and ended up giving me a stomach ache. I try and be still like a mountain and last for an eternity but the rain is wearing me down. Then my close friend and confidant Alex said I dress like a mormon. Then apparently I am too tall. I got better though when we got out his iPhone and started looking at knickers on the Internet. And then we saw Nadia dressed like a whore on Kingsland Road looking fucking AMAZING. I wanted to stay out longer but I really felt sick to my stomach – so I decided to come home. And what happens when I check my inbox? The second email of the day from my friend from Hamburg Christian Weiß telling me all about his triathlon competitions with pictures [makes me feel guilty cause I never do any exercise], his travelling [makes me feel sad cause I haven't been anywhere since Christmas and I love to travel]. Anyway it’s good cause I love pen pals.

    Actually me and Alex made some good joke, had a dance and drink and did a fake kiss for Jonjo so it wasn’t so bad. It was Max’s birthday.

    Oh Jah. I’m just writing bullshit now.

    I better go to bed.

    xx Lektrogirl

    P.S. Just to say I feel like I have committed a great sin by writing ‘Oh Allah’ instead of ‘Oh God’ and worry that I will be struck by lightening or stoned by men in the street tomorrow. Perhaps I should call and ask Manara for advice tomorrow and ask her if wearing a scarf to cover my hair will help? Tonight Alex said I dress like a mormon. Shit. I said that already. I’m not drunk I swear.

    OMG!!!
    XXCENSOREDXX, XXCENSOREDXX’s sister apparently got drunk and fucked XXCENSOREDXX!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE [who apparently licked some girl's arse hole in the toilets of a club until she came and I swear to you she so didn't...] I tell you – when I heard, my jaw dropped. I was reeling. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Shock of a lifetime. My days.

    June 23, 2008

    HEY MATHIEU

    Dear Mathieu

    I is past two in the morning and I can’t sleep. Mostly because I am thinking of a way to come to Paris – I need someone to tell all my secrets too. For the most part, my blog is wonderful but there are always other things I want to write about as well. That is why I like to talk with you. I know you are a bad father but Bunny will always climb on the knee of Europe’s greatest Parisian Jew and whisper in your ear. God… I feel like I’m going a bit stir crazy tonight. What do you suggest?

    I spent the day in bed watching Almodovar DVD’s. Today it was Kika. There was a scene where a rapist who has escaped from prison breaks into the house of his sisters employers, fake ties up his sister and goes into the bedroom to find his sister’s boss sleeping. He sticks pieces of a clementine into the pussy of the woman to taste her on the fruit. For some reason it made me think of XXCENSOREDXX and want to be lying in XXCENSOREDXX parents bed under the nude portrait they have of themselves looking out the window at the sun on the wall.

    I also got an apology from XXCENSOREDXX, but XXCENSOREDXX can keep his two fingered half hearted tap on the shoulder to himself while he pretends to be all goody goody. The sad thing is, there is nothing going on and I miss his big jokes like crazy. It is so stupid. He just has an insecure girl riding his nuts.

    Then there is XXCENSOREDXX. XXCENSOREDXX is my secret. And XXCENSOREDXX is who I think of the most and would be the first thing I would tell you all about. And the second. And the third.

    Do you remember when we ate Burger King? I just remembered walking down Holloway Road.

    D’accord. Moi je suis fatigue – ENFIN. Je vais au pieu. I hope I don’t have to see that ugly boude boudin any time soon. Save a seat for me at that nice restaurant we went to last time. I will meet you there as soon as I can.

    xx Emma

    June 15, 2008

    NON-FUNNY HYSTERICS

    IT HAS ALL BEEN TOO MUCH! My mother even had a go at me about something.

    May 27, 2008

    TODAY SUCKED

    For no particular reason, today sucked cause I had loads of errands and stuff to catch up on by have spent the day in a come down from the weekend. I feel like I’ve been wandering around in a daze all day. On the plus side, there are only a few days left to the weekend! Hopefully by then I will have cleaned the trailed by various house guests which started last week and my iTunes will like me again: I put on the shuffle play and the songs that played were all hating on my personal body energy and made me feel even weirder.

    Nothing new to add to the coverage of the R Kelly court case of any consequence. However I just wanted to let you all know that it was not a case of mistaken identity on March 22nd when the Police arrested a woman who screamed “Free R. Kelly” at jurors in the R&B singer’s child pornography trial as they stepped off an elevator near the courtroom.

    Police immediately grabbed the woman who was later confirmed as Debra Triplet and led her away in handcuffs. The judge in the case later ordered the mother of three held on contempt charges in lieu of $50,000 bond.

    I definitely wasn’t me – I was at the George and Dragon listening to Pippa DJ as I reported earlier last week.

    Caz will vouch for me.

    Anyway – I have to go now cause I’ve still got some chores.

    xx Lektrogirl

    August 19, 2007

    SUNDAY NOT FUN DAY

    HOT CHOCOLATE: Emma

    Spoke with Mum this morning and was telling her the latest with Nameless: All about this girl who he has been hanging out with. Apparently he told her “Emma thinks you hate her.” Do you HATE it when people do that? Particularly as Nameless is prone to do – get the whole thing arse about face – seeing as I actually hate this girl myself as Nameless has been telling me all about how he thinks that this girl might be flirting with him, and he isn’t actually particularly interested in ACTUALLY her, but to have sex with someone would be nice. I totally freaked out, completely heartbroken and cried for two days. My poor mother listened to the who boring story and then said “Emma, Nameless is a loser. I don’t know why you don’t just shut the door in his face and let him ruin his own life, instead of yours.” Having said that I know that Mutts actually likes Nameless too. But she does think he is a loser. Hahaha. I told her that she is right, but I don’t have anyone else to fix my wireless network when it’s down so to cut him out totally would be a mistake. She said “I see your point.”

    In more jolly news, I went out with Brains, Philippa and James last night to Bar Du Marche for dinner. I had worked for Max in the office doing his personal accounts which was fun – we had lunch at the New Piccadilly and cunted a few people out while we worked. Then after finishing early, I went and hooked up with Philippa and James, had a glass of the WAG’s curse Rosé and we waited for Brains who had been hanging out with DJ Magic. Brains said Hi and gave a massive grin. His teeth were FULL of black shit – he had been talking all afternoon with Jerk Chicken between his teeth to DJ Magic. All night Brains was telling me “I’ve got Jammer’s number – why don’t you ring him?”

    I can’t decide from dinner which picture is funnier. They both crack me up equally:

    Dinner was really nice and plenty of jokes all round. I even told the story of getting hit by a car.

    SISTERS OF MERCY: Emma

    So what’s with all the Emma videos? At work, Roxy plays Roxanne a lot and we sing it to her [with our own lyrics] but we also have all being trying to think up songs for all the other names of the girls in our office. We need a Jo, Jess, Cissi, Kellie, Alice, Katharine and Emma is definitely covered thanks.

    And on my final note right now – Nameless, please don’t make me have to roll up to the Old Blue Last one night in a blonde wig and glitter shoes to sing this at someone:

    xx Lektrogirl

    Older Posts »

    Powered by WordPress