Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

February 15, 2011

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB /44

> ——-Original Message——-
> From: John Davidson
> To: Emma Davidson
> Subject: our recent text exchanges(mobile hat isw)
> Sent: 15 Feb ‘11 04:12
>
> HOWDO, eMMsie, Just had a hel’ls own job wakuing this FRED up. Some
> bastard had turned the power point off at the main. oTHER BUTTONS STILL
> SAID PRESS ANY KEY TO ‘WAKE THE COMP UP’ gOT the BRAINS FROM THE FRONT
> OFFICE TO PROVE HOW STUPID YOUR PA IS. mIND YOU THE POWER POINT IS WELL
> HIDDEN UNDER THE back upper corner of the desk top. I coon’t reach it with
> me walkin stick.some prat turned p/point off.
> Hope I texted nothing that intruded on your way of thinking about lif with
> Antony.I was sweating on a 40 dollars worth of tatts lotto? 62 ENTRIES.
> s.f.a MATE. nOT A WHIFF . sO WE A Are we RICH ALL OF A SUDDEN. NO. IF I
> fell in a gorrilla’s bum hole he’d have the trots. back it in ? did you
> both make any decisions about the future? Whatever you decide, as long as
> it makes you BOTH happier ?I have effed up too many times previously to
> consider any advice I could give to be of value mate.
> Wots Ants thoughts on the subject?Doe he see the probs that could occur in
> the fce of partnership feelings waning.Al I hopw.from many attempts to make
> the perfect match haven’t really beaen so successful. except the
> relationship you and I had when you were a littly. (FUCK IT. DAD.) rEMEMBER
> OLD hAROLD DROPPING THE pEARLY ONE WHEN HE KNOCKRD OVER A gLASS OF vat 69?
> That was yesterday Emsie. My Best DAYS
> nOT READING TOO WELL MATE. SO PLEASE EXCUSE THE USUAL ERRORS. aND any how
> nearly a very creaky 85 years!FARKCheers me dear. ‘Ullo yo ANT AND HobesAnd
> your boss come to thatIwould like to thank her for her trust in you to
> carry out a bit of foriegn business for her. Reminds me of my iold G.M.
> David Black.
> HE’D pick up yhe bloer and tell me to get my arse over to, which ever
> state and sort them out.They had stuffed up one of the deals we had going
> with one of our Major Delers, So off John/Davo, would go from Melbourne
> usually to W.A., STHaUS Northern teritory lots of times. Fark, Good days, I
> HEARD THAT dAVID bLACK DIED OF CANCER IN THE THROAT/ hE SMOKED A DIRTY
> BLACK SHAG IN A DIRTIER OLD PIPE. NO WONDER!? 3P.M. HERE ASO i’l send a
> text to tell you abot e’mail HOWZAT?gIVE MY REDARDS TO ANT ANT HOBStELL HIM
> WHATEVER MAKES YOU HAPPY WILL SUIT ME.Cheers little mate. Hope it turns up
> good for you both, Love ex yer old pa.XXXX

September 14, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #43

From: John Davidson
To: Emma Davidson
Date: 14 Sep ‘10 04:06
Subject: FW: For you and your nephew

my brain is devoid of interesting things to 1-think about, 2, also has no desire to evoke the interest of the locals here, who, unfortunately have been ‘dumped’ by their families for the arrival of the inevitablr beckoning finger of Death, MY NEXT APPEALING, RIVETTING, ATTENTION  ‘GOOD READ’ called waiting to die!
Any how, mad Pat A Scottish widow sends me such crap I thoUght I ought let you and Hoby have a read to see the educated bollocks the AGED, use to communicate. Thank you for your Text from your mates place in a France.’ HOW’S THE LOVE LIFE? never PUT UP WITH SCOND BEST KID. aDVICE FROM AN AGED LOSER.  Speaking of which yer ma shot through to Devonport for school hols. No texts etc so I can ‘t tell how she’s going? Mind you it’s been pissing with rain!!!!   Hard ordure if you can’t take a joke,
hOW’S ME TWO FRIENDS The last of a lifetime of misadventure, etc,etc. Cheers BEFORE SOMEBODY POKES ME IN THE BACK—IF their game luv yer DadXXXXXX

July 20, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #42

>  ——-Original Message——-
>  From: John Davidson <XXCENSOREDXX>
>  To: Emma Davidson
>  Subject: RE: mostly hobart
>  Sent: 20 Jul ‘10 04:25
>
>  Don’t know what Hoby is lying on, but it looks loke a tie? She and I
>  have the pattern in common. The pattern on my tea mug (Dilma tea of course
>  plucked by Virgin fingers on the tea plantations on Ceylon? I was on Celon
>  once on my way to AUS, went down to MOUNT lAVINIA, for some dopey reason
>  and whilsi enjoying the tranquility og the oceanic view a cow sidled upto
>  me, it was rear-end first, and emptied its friggin bowels all down my
>  strides and shiny shoes. So I gave it a hefty kick up the arse. Talk about
>  shite hitting the fan. a mob of irate Ceylonese gathered and threatened me
>  with all sorts of punishment? H.T.F. was I to know that cows were sacred
>  animals. I realy upset some prat who spoke English and therefore understood
>  my aside, “We wouldn’t even eat that underfed, skinny bastard in England”
>  I think half the small gathering crapped themselves, probably saying a few
>  words to their Cow God?  I gave myself the old Ace.King.Queen.Jack sign and
>  retired quite quickly.
>  . I was working on the Himalaya at the time, a PASSENGER SHIP OF GOODLY
>  GIRTH AND SOME 2000 Odd PASSENGERS, PLUS THE CREW MOST OF WHOM WERE Homos.
>  So all I could do was go back to a guiness or two and sundry proposals of
>  marriagefrom the willowy members of the crew, No wonder I jumped ship in
>  SydneyIcould regale your reader with furthe tales from the trip to Aus and
>  the eventual punishment for not paying your fare to Aus. The Judge was a
>  Chritian soul. H sentenced me to 21 days in Long bay jail, for breaking
>  ship’s articles Justice Murpphy. He was looking kindly at man who had done
>  pretty well during my 2 years evading the police and port authorities
>  looking for a psuedonymned Irishman with the assumed name of an IRISH
>  GUARDS MATE OF MINE FROM tHE Scots Guards Armoured division in which I
>  served during the war no 2, One Michael Patrick Byrne.  God helpus we ‘d
>  have drunk more Guiness in a night a Christian could have baptised the
>  bloody division of Guardsmen in!
>  Cheers my darling daughter. I am trying to win a lottery again so I can
>  afford to spend the last days of my life in the best city in the world. Luv
>  Yer Dad. and you you furry ferret little ponce. Jonnno.XXXXXX

June 29, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #41

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 29 June 2010 05:01
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: back from nantes

Hi 2 u. I bin to Nntes – quite a long time ago, went with some (well, all of her ecept her farkin brains. Why would she be with me? She could parlez France. She was a school teacher, all of whom are quite queer. Still she was honest. I could rely on her leaving some FRANCS IN THE HAT WHILE (fark caps lock) blew my bollocks off playin La Compasita along the boulevardes. Yeah being young wasn’t all bad. Gtting them preggars was the curse!sounds likeyou had a good time . Good on you. You only have one shot at living kiddo. MY REGARD TO MISS fERRET, who looks after her when you scarper into the wilds of Europe. How’d you like YOURcountry being ruled by a Welshe woman from Barry – near Cardiff? She’s a lot brighter thabn the predecessor, Kevin Rudd. God love us. He blondes his hair. Still not hitting it off with your sister.. Not him you dick. ME Don’t think I’ll ever be on good terms with her. Bollox, anyhow. CHEERS to my 2 Friends. Meeow ya hairy bastardXXXXXX Luv ex yer Dad

June 23, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #40

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 23 June 2010 02:00
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: FW: Warning- Cover Head

it’s taking longer and longer to open your own files with all the bullshit Windows Live keeps adding or changing, Fark I’M AN AGED DRIBBLING OLD FART WHO HAS ENOUGH TRouble remembering his own name, let alone all the bullshit about keeping things away from the puiblic eye. I couldn’t give  a monkeys who is stupid enough to read something typed by somebody rhey have never met, nor likely to. luv yer DadXXXX Hope your’e keeping her on the straight and narrow, Hobes? For those who who should not be reading this, Hobes is her cat. And Her is my daughter, you nosey sod.

June 10, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #39

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 08 June 2010 04:47
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: More food from paris

yeah. But the frog/snail eating poofs DO eat well. What were the two black thing looking like beetroots after the strawbs and rasps?Mind you I certainly rember being put offg frog shiels who smoked ‘Gooloise’ Dark black pubic hair by the looks of it
What deal did you strike with yer ma about the Science Magazine. ? She’s back from Sydney but living with her Sister. Piotto.. It’s a lonely job getting through one’s dying days. It’s called the way of life! Fark.
How’s the Spanish furball, Ferret?Cheers mate. Paris always reminds me of playing my Harmonica up on the CAFES OVERLOOKING THE sIENNE, and collecting ten franc note. Then sleeping on thei paving stones under the Pont Du Nord. Cold and farkin hard. BUT I was young then- abot thirty years I think. Even out in the bush the villages were great. Cheers again you pair of Londo livers. Luv yer Dad, No OTHER BASTARD DOES,xxxxxx

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 10 June 2010 04:26
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: More food from paris

If you had to eat the shite they serve up here, you wouldn’t torture a poor AGED man with such delicious food from Pae=ris. even if they do smell a bit!. luv yer pa and the ferret.

April 28, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

Happy Birthday Pops.

Look at that face! So happy.

April 19, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #37

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 19 April 2010 03:00
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: AND BY THE WAY

just wrote you a note about brain meat but the poxy machine wouldn’t send it, Frightened of SPAMMERS for christ sake. THE WORLD IS BECOMMING MORE FARKED THE MORE WE SAY WE KNOW.wHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT olcanoes. EARTHQUAKES, HUMAN TRADGEDY, MURDER, violence I’m convinced we, HUMANSare receding into the past when we didn’t know 2plus 2 beans equalled five. we’re faked mate. Well and truely can’t even invent a air-engine that can fly withice rocks up it’s fundement. gOD HELP US. LET’S see if it’ll Send this garboluv dadXXXX

=======

As a note to this everyone, I got another email from Mum this morning with the added note:

    PS Did you know that the Iceland airport is still operating!!

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #36

From: XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com
To: XXCENSOREDXX
Subject: Brain MEAT? pIOTTA!
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2010 11:26:56 +1030

Brain meat? Farkin cannabul’?ible? bal? I think it should be cannible? but it’s a long time since I nibbled at a bit of human meat!
Strange yor mother liked lamb’s brains. Eating her own I used to tease her. At least you may be Australian but you can’t blame Tasmania on it?. The more you tell me of EUROPE, loNDON PARTICULARLY the more Iam convinced IV’e wasted a good 60 years of my life, except siring you’se two. At least you and feral? I hasten to add feral is not thresult of a dalliance of mine with Cat Woman. Couldn’t stand the furry tail swishing around the place.
Wish that bloody volcano would go awy. Might be months before they will allow flights out of Londinium?. I’LL BE IN ME 86TH YEAR.Ow old can you get/ Cheers little mate, and give feral a poke in the furry place from me. Luv wx yer Old pot an pan.XXXXDad
Keeps on telling me to se4nd again to overcomespammers. so you may get it 10 times or more,

April 15, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #35

From:John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 15 April 2010 02:36
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: AND BY THE WAY

judging by the pictures, Roast beetrootSamphire looks totally attractive , so do the little brownish testiclesAnd the bacon, though I have to be in the mood for pork, even the crackling. One day A.B.C showed a Doc of starved pig with maggots as big as alimp dickie bird crawling out of his fundement, arse, bumhole. cloaca whatever? Put me right off pig until I’ pissed enough to foget the maggies.
Did I tell yer Mutts not only came hom testerday (Wed) but she strolled over to the home to showw herwounds! Well done I said,
CHEERS to my two friends. Meeiow, piota, Dad,

April 13, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #34

>  ——-Original Message——-
>  From: John Davidson
>  To: Emma Davidson
>  Subject: RE: BERLIN REPORT
>  Sent: 11 Apr ‘10 23:42
>
>  Sorry to hear about yer cold kiddo. It’s the curse of the modern world,
>  no doubt., NOTHING can have as much effect on the humanas a runny, snotty,
>  stinging nodtril cold. Me heart bleeds for you, mateWhen any of the staff
>  come into my abodw sniffling and sneezing I suggest they piss off quick,
>  and take their poxy cold elsewhere.
>  Just waiting for the Dr to call. He will I hope demote me from being a
>  diabetic?
>  Spoke to mutts on the blower yesterday, She sounded quite jolly and on
>  the up. I’m glad to say. Sounded a bit hollow actually. Her voice echord
>  around the empty spaces in her lower body! ONY JOKIN! Don’t tell I saud
>  that, Talkin of empty spaces in a human body, I know where between me ears
>  is. When I saw all those beautifull foods you eat, one can only assome your
>  assole enjoys the better taste of living?
>  Cheers my little mate, looking forward to seeing you again. Cheers to the
>  Racist, Bitchcat. Luv ex yer Pa.XXXX

April 8, 2010

PHOTOFACE [TM]

Mrs Kipling just reminded me of something I had forgotten about!


The Original John Davidson that none of us know


The John Davidson with his own Fan club


Yours truly

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #33

YER FOLKS SNAIL MAIL!

The John Davidson Fan Club

Super thrilled to come back from Berlin to find a letter from The GA in the mail. Here he is in 1971 the year before I was born [about 43-44 years old] with his two best friends at the time, Sally the dog and Hypolate the cat. Apparently the cat would run down the hall when Dad came home from work, run up Dad’s suit and sit on his shoulder like a parrot. Obviously until it was time to sit on Sally’s belly while Dad chilled in a chair. I remember that top Dad has on in the picture. He still had it when I was a teenager. That kind of fabric that just goes on going on.

The John Davidson Fan Club

Included was a card to Feral – aka Hobart the cat. I didn’t read it properly at first, so didn’t pass on the info correctly to The Cardinal last night at El Parador [check lektrotour.workpress.com for food pics] but for those of you who need translation the card says:

FERAL
Just to prove I once had hair.

EMMA
Just in case youv  forgot!!

I wonder where he got the stickers from? There is a glittery cherry on the inside as well.

March 26, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #32

>  ——-Original Message——-
>  From: John Davidson <XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com>
>  To: Emma Davidson <XXCENSOREDXX>
>  Subject: RE: The pics you have all been waiting for
>  Sent: 26 Mar ‘10 03:01
>
>  How do you get your comp to print in blue. this one always prints black/
>  Just found your bosses email address, pure arse. Wehad tinned rasps in cold
>  carton custard, bloody terrible, so I thought to lookover some of your
>  creations to brighten my tastebuds/thoughts up a bit, and there was
>  your bosses Email! Fark
>  YER MOTHER SEEMSTO HAVE DISAPPEARED INTO THE BLUE, She only lives a cats
>  piss away but Aint seem her for a week. Still I rememberwhen I used to
>  visit her father, which evebtually became so hideously boring. the old man
>  snoring in his cair at 9a.m. in the morningand dribbling long greasyones
>  from his lips and snout. Fark old age is so unsjghtly. I only visited him
>  to pay him 25 shillings per week to be allowedto drive and upkeep his
>  Meteor car. I HADn’t the with to chargehim gararing fees,etc. I never liked
>  the old crunt so I am feeling that it is only fair to Rose I should allow
>  her the freedom to not come and waste her valuable Death notice searching
>  and weeding ‘our’ garden. Bollox ‘n’fark. Cheers to my two friends. Ihope
>  you check the freezer regularly?

March 14, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #31

Strike me luckyI remember the 48hour week. Befor your time kiddo and then the Unions got the wek back to a 5day week, LUXURY, MATE, SHEER IDLENESS FOR ALL OFsATDY, sUNDY, tHAT’S IF YOU CALL HOLDINGTHE BAR UP FOR MOST OF THE TIME. fAGS WEREONLY 11PENCE  a packa twentyPLAYERS and beer threepence a pint, AND YOU HAVE TO WORK five DAYS PER? wHAF does poor little FAERAL DO IN HER LONELY HOURS? I’M DEFINITELY LOSING IT , MATE ASNOTED BY THE INTRUSION OF THE cAPS lOCKQuite hot today,24degrees ‘C’ Milk intolerence is a curse. Trus me.Thank goodness for hot showers!Cheers mate, Sunday is such a boring day. Dad. XXXX

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