Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

August 19, 2010

THOUGHTS FROM THE MONTAGUE PYKE

Why is it in the video for the David Guetta song with Akon everything is in slow motion when the song is fast and party vibes?

Why am I sitting alone at a table for 6 when every other table is rammed?

Where can I go for dinner tomorrow night as The Giaconda Dining room is closed for summer?

How long can I stretch a G&T out for?

Why did that dog have to die for the other dog to drag it off the highway to becopme a MIME?

Will I remember my camera and passport for work tomorrow?

Will I remember to post that audio of the !ush 1oman getting attacked by a wild pig in her own home soon?

Has Hobart savaged her meerkat buddie today and ripped off his maroon velvetten bathrobe?

Will it last 559 days?

Is Paris going to go smoothly?

Will everything go okay for my boss?

Will the nurse be successful in the morning? Probably not but we’ll have a laugh no doubt.

Forever etc

THE RED HOUSE

August 17, 2010

REMIND ME AGAIN

Can someone remind me that I have a life outside of work and I dont hate it that much>?!!?!?!

FISH AND CHIPS

I had such a nice time last night with my little finger puppet friend in the background.

Today is pretty awful.

August 16, 2010

HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEKEND

Was not the parking ticket, but seeing Hobart happy. She really is my number 1 girlfriend. Someone dared call her an “ickle cat” VOMM on Facebook – not one of my friends I hasten to add – and retribution is coming this persons way. Revenge is best served cold. She will fucking die though when she leasts expects it. Something gross like getting a really heavy period in a white dress or something. She will then think twice about calling the cat of all cats ICKLE and making me want to lose my lunch.

August 12, 2010

WHERE HAVE I BEEN

Hey Everyone,

Where have I been? All the way to Buddah’s fingers and back [if you saw that episode of Monkey you will know what I am talking about.] The universe is great but for all the happiness in life there is always work to do. You dont get anything for free. I hate being told what to do, or even generally advised, or having a hint or a breath of someone even maybe thinking of looking in my direction with a suggestion – BUT – it’s it is also wonderful having things change for growing and learning and thinking about the world in a new way. So anyone around me can’t win and needs the patience of a saint. Or a woman dressed as a male priest with a bald head.

So apart from spiritual enlightenment on top of a pink cloud or under a mountain with a metal band around my head, I have been out getting wrecked.

On top of that, my computer at home is in total crisis meltdown. I can’t use it for anything of consquence.

COMMUTER TRAIN

I’m a commuter. In three day old clothes. Uberwalk of shame.

I feel totally spent.

I night of sleep with a pretty cat will be lovely.

August 5, 2010

MELTDOWN

Who had the fucking genius idea of giving me a job that involves turning up every day roughly on time, making spreadsheets, writing reports, filling in forms, talking to staff and sorting out HR problems, allowing gin and tonic in the office only after 4.30pm with the exclusion of birthdays or days of extreme crisis where booze is acceptable at any time, company mergers, filing, buying shredders?

How did this happen? I wanted to go to fashion design school but mum wouldn’t let me move to Melbourne cause she said I couldn’t take care of myself and would starve. This is the same mother who wouldn’t let me sticky tape the plastic lids to BIC biros to my wrists so I could pretend I was Spiderman in case I accidently “slit my writsts”.

Anyone, I am the last one left in the office. Keep going Emma.

August 4, 2010

JOKE OF THE CENTURY

In the middle of some office girl chatter – “Christ check the garden – she looks like Rose West.”

An interesting fact about Fred West is he ate onions like apples. He also had a wrought iron present made for Rose, which was the word “cunt” in swirly letters to hang on the wall.

Anyway you can thank Jess for all of that. She really knows how to make a girl happy.

Check Jess’ film making blog.

PERFECT

M-500.00055 General Pershing's dentures

Lunch today was perfect.

August 1, 2010

HARD WORK & JEWISH FASHION

When I say I look like a Jewess without a bra I’m not joking. Although I am missing the dark tan tights as well. I’m wearing a white terry toweling polo [from when I worked at Joseph!] a dark olive and tan print skirt and thick heeled purply maroon shoes. Why am I at work today dressed like this I don’t know – other than I am stressed about a VAT return, management accounts, a mountain of paperwork and my cold has my brain like cotton wool and I was finding it hard enough to think in a straight line with the new sexual distraction in my life. Rather than obsessing about misery I am worrying about all the usual other wonderful stuff: how loud am I weeing and can he hear me? am I being too keen and am I smiling too hard? is my underwear too slutty? Am I talking in my sleep? Am I hot enought? [well obs I don't think the last one because I definitely am but I just put that one in there so I can connect with the more regular reader who probably suffers from these human doubts and I never do okay you get me?] You know the usual stuff that youthink about when you start seeing a new person.

Right now I would like to be sitting on some sunny verandah in the sun getting my hair brushed by someone handsome watching Hobart sleep and the hardest thing to think about is do I want lemon or lime slices in my gin.

Instead I am trying to work out the schedule of accrued sales as of June 30 and what H.A.R.K. means listening to DJ Guy trying not to get too distracted.

Which is clearly not working right?

I might go round to Maplin and buy a microphone. I want to write a love song.

July 31, 2010

HEAVY LIKE MOLASSES

Time is ticking slowly while my body is filled with this cold. My frustrations run high and my patience short while me ability to deal with boredom, problems and longing is cut down to nothing. And I don’t even have the energy to do something about it. I wish someone would come and rub my shoulders and tell me everything will be okay.

Especially by next weekend! My favourite person in the whole Universe is taking me to the seaside. That’s right folks, Hobart has learnt to drive and we are packing our bags like Thelma and Louise and we are gonna… Oh wait a minute… What’s that Hobart? What do you mean you are hooking up with R Kelly? WITHOUT ME?!

Okay so it looks like my second favourite person will take me to the seaside. The bonus will be I won’t have to reach the pedals for him. He is a beautiful giant.

Dora was measuring me today to tell her sister in law Saturday born Amma to make me a slit or a jumper and getting my shoe size and everything. Whatever arrives is going to be some next level miracle.

July 30, 2010

SALVADOR DALI

There were ants all over my kitchen like a fine layer of Spanish lace slowly undulating with my blurry vision. Blook came rushing from between my legs and splashed on my foot, yet I felt nothing. My black cat was out of place high on a shelf. My mind is always away, pressed against his chest.

July 28, 2010

REALITY CHECK

Hi Guys

If you ever catch me going on about my biological clock ticking and feeling like I am not fulfilling me role as a woman and using all God gave me, please can you remind me of today. I spent last night clearing up cat shit after midnight that was smeared all the way from the litter try to the living room and worked right into the rug, then finding more treasure this morning hidden in the folds of a duvet and sweatshirt on the floor. Then I spent about 30 minutes brushing the back of the sofa with a fine tooth nit comb to brush off all the hair a certain someone left behind. Then I got bitten ‘just for a laugh’. That’s like having real kids right? Only as Pete Burns said about Madame after giving birth to her twins ‘She must have a cunt like a bucket’. Until I can affort Dora full time and to be surrogate mum, no kids for me. Hobart teaches me a valuable lesson every so often.

July 22, 2010

LADIES NIGHT PANIC

Selfridges food hall, waitrose, Gerry’s, Habitat, Nordic Bakery. WTF have I forgotten?

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