It shocks a lot of people to learn how old I really am. No-one ever guesses it right. And then I always am surprised when Phil Thompson isnt as old as me or Sarah Lee or Philippa even. My dad and I can’t believe it.
This year my birthday didnt happen. PLEASE.
I woke up this morning and had a head ache that morphed into a projectile tea and hot cross bun barf. And then a whole day of wipeout city in bed and a bit more of the same.
Cake at work with my mates. CANCELLED.
Birthday dinner at El Parador. CANCELLED.
Weekend trip to Paris with the love of my life. CANCELLED.
Dinner with Goon and Fanny. CANCELLED.
Even Eurostar joined in. CANCELLED.
Nearly spent the whole night alone with no cards, no presents until Anthony turned up in a big surprise. NOT CANCELLED.
But a kiss for my birthday with puke breath. CANCELLED.
I officially declare my birthday December 1st CANCELLED.
So, The Cardinal gave me the fabulous book Nollywood by Pieter Hugo. I love all the pictures of the women and witches and demons. I know how they all feel! Redwine and peanut sick dreadlock anyone?
SATURDAY! I spent quite a while reading other birthday presents from last week scoffing nougat and waiting for my cleaner to be 2.5 hours late which is long, even by her standards. I did call her to find out what was up and she was having a fight with her flatmates who all had electric heaters in their rooms and not admitting it so she was paying more than her share of electricity. The landlord came for a big meeting so big trouble in little Ghana.
Through the course of the day, I decided the best use for my completely luxurious and useless new Luella notebook calf skin bound and embossed with a mushroom, would be to jot down some of Dora’s comments about life. And today I was laughing with tears in my eyes about Elizabeth the other white clear she knew that was so fat she has no shape and so she told her and Elizabeth complained to the supervisor but no-one cared, the old lady who had a stroke and the Jamaican threw away her walking frame and how Jews [the חסיד ones] wear shoes that are so bad that if you throw one, not even a dog would touch it.
It is the Air Commodore’s 29th birthday today and so we shall be heading off to Go Bang to give him a 12 gun salute or something equally as fancy to celebrate that doesn’t imply we are lowering his coffin into the ground. I’m excited cause Alex T is DJing and I’m trying to talk Mr Pink into coming too – we can pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend as we often too. Apart from the fact he bats for the other team we aren’t such a mismatched couple.
** SOME HOURS PASS**
Wow – got caught in a Web 2.0 time warp. I’m back now though… Where was I?
Thats right – at Ima Doll’s birthday party. Check out her website ‘excuse me while we under go some changes page’. HA!
Back from Germany the two cake plates I had tried to pack in my suitcase got smashed, but the matching cups and saucers survived. It felt like a knife through my heart when I pulled the shards form my suitcase. It really broke my heart. I get upset over the most stupid things.
Hamburg was absolutely incredibly as ever. I had an amazing birthday party. I also had incredible times with everyone who came – Manara, Goon & Koyote, Cardinal and Pip who I met for the first time. So loving it. But I also really enjoyed the time I got to spend on my own walking around familiar streets thinking about my own things an contemplating all the big things that have changed in my life recently. I’m really looking forward to next year.
I was so lucky to have my Spiritual Guru so close to give me such wise advice. Booty gives the best advice about all problems. And his advice is so obvious and fitting that I always end up feeling stupid and embarrassed for having asked the question in the first place.
I wanted to write all amazing things about the trip and the stuff we did and the incredible jokes and the things I bought but I’m already too exhausted from only one day back at work. Then I got on the AIM to XXCENSOREDXX who told me that over pizza, XXCENSOREDXX told him that I was selfish and a bad friend. We nearly came to ignoring each other for 6 months again but I can’t be bothered.
Cardinal has invited me to a Christmas karaoke thing on Friday night which I hope I have time to go to. Thursday night is Pippa’s birthday and Noel Fielding’s art exhibition opening. What the hell can his stuff be like? Wednesday is dinner with Pascale and Reuben [I hope!!!] and Tuesday night is the work Christmas party. Can’t wait to go home. Mum says it is 32 degrees centigrade. Read it and weep.
I also have a great story to tell about an amazing dinner I had with Deano from Real Gold tonight after I dropped off some Limited Edition Katharine Hamnett t-shirts to his store on Ganton Street in Soho. He has t-shirts that have just come from the printers in colour ways that were only printed in colour ways of 4-6 each. We went to Bodeans and had burnt back ends but that is a whole other thing and really I’m tooooo tired.
Until I get the chance to write again, here is a porcine porcelain gift to all my fans
Left – Philippa’s coconut three layered sponge cake. DELICIOUS!! Right – Sara’s Victoria sponge with musical candle with glitter icing. INCREDIBLE!!
Cheers to me and the beautiful cake we are about to eat!!
If the truth be told, Hamburg’s answer to Beyonce had been drinking Kir Royales for breakfast at Balans with Nameless.
This was my Duck and Puy Lentil dinner. It was delicious.
And here are two of the better behaved dinner companions that joined me – the rest were screaming animals all over The Star!! Joe and Duke I think really had a good time with Alex’s son Harry and some boy they met called Jake.
Look at all that gorgeous hair! We could make wigs for a load of people! AND WATCH OUT HAMBURG!! WE ARE HITTING YOUR SOIL 6TH DECEMBER 2007. THIS TIME THE PLATINUM PUSSY IS BRINGING A POSSEE!!
I wish Carrie was coming.
Here is me and Dal. We have a deep spiritual love. Unfortunately it will never bloom into anything else cause he told me I need to grow a dick.
Thanks everyone for the gazillion birthday messages this year!! I LOVE YOU!!
P.S. I just got AIM airpie from Sara Manara cause she told me that Faggatronix are working on their new mix of hits for ‘07. I CAN’T WAIT to hear it.
My iTunes is totally in sync with me today – first song off the shuffle list is YO STOMACH by T-Pain. YGM!!
I hope this guy doesn’t accidently shit himself doing this…
I had a sleep in today that wasn’t haunted by dreams of excel spreadsheets going on to infinity, my mum called and left a message on the machine singing to me, tho’ we already talked last night cause it was already my birthday in Australia [in fact I got born at about 6pm in London last night already... confusing I know], Nameless is going to take me to the big Balans in Soho for breakfast [where I've spotted celebs like Pete Burns] and I will probably have the Scallops and Eggs Benedict and a cocktail – yeah for BREAKFAST – YGM, then I’m gonna toodle down to Maison B to see Pippa, make it to Selfridges to buy a cardigan I can’t stop thinking about and try my hardest all day to avoid AP. Then back north for my birthday at The Star. I’ve told them they have to be able to make a Mojito by then and to get some mint in!
BUT THE FUN DOESNT STOP THERE: I have a play date at Yauatcha on Tuesday night with XXCENSOREDXX, then on THURSDAY I GO TO MY HOMELAND IN HAMBURG!!! Oh man!!
I get emails, texts and AIM messages from Manara and Cardinal nearly everyday saying “I’m So Excited”……..
Last night I had to do some last minute record shopping to get shipped to Booty’s Crib for some essential tracks for my party.
Last night went out and had fun. I dont have to be at work today until 11am so that is an added bonus. We saw some band at Yo Yo that were pretty good. They looked like a Swedish gamboy band, except they made electronic beats and then this guy did ’soul house’ singing over the top. I bet he really loved Dane Bowers when he was younger. I couldn’t help but think that Nameless would shit himself to be in a band like that. Also, we saw Koffi who modelled for us at Katharine Hamnett for the SS08 collection. I’ve been wetting my knickers over him ever since.
Here is Philippa looking smug. It was Koffi’s birthday at midnight and he is French so there were kisses all round.
I got a lecture last night from DJ Venom that I am actually 100% prime quality gash for any B-Boy and I could have any guy in the place, except there is one area letting me down [I was thinking 'my arse', 'my glasses'...] which in Daniel’s opinion is my shoes. He explained it very eloquently as “Guys are such nerds, all they look at is the feet and in a place like this your shoes just won’t do. It is either the tits or the shoes and you don’t have any tits.” Apparently he went and bought some new shoes recently because he needed some new ones. He really liked all the shoes that are available for girls in all the “pretty colours”.
Here are DJ Venom’s feet. Perhaps there is something in what he says because look at all the wet marks on the floor. That is from random gash where girls have rushed him to get his number because of his shoes.
I spent the rest of the night pointing out the shoes of every girl in the place. The only girl I saw with remotely B-Boy Gash shoes was a tiny Japanese girl in a woolley who was a girlfriend of one of the break dancers. And after he did his dance thing with some other “brothers” or whatever B-Boys call each other, they just sat in the corner.
The only people who seemed to be getting any action of note last night were these two:
Physically, they were responding well to anything a bit reggaeish – if you get my drift. Not a sneaker in sight though.
OMG = ‘celebrities’ we saw last night were Sean Paul, Kellie Osborne, Amy Winehouse and Kevin Federline. I’m an expert at that game and it seems Philippa has an eye for it too. Another reason to love her so much.
Anyway – I will note Daniel’s comments. It will be hard to try and wear any of my existing styles out because I really hate the the thought of getting a single drop of anything on the shoe – Gucci leather fur lines high tops, Nike valentine’s day high tops [ahhh good times with Nameless in Hamburg.] But next time I go to Yo Yo I will try his theory out and try better sneakers.
OMG – don’t you just sometimes get an email in your inbox at work and think “OMG I wish that was me?!”
Look at what arrived from Lu Weed today! Do you think he gives a shit about the fact there has been no internet connection in his office or getting line sheets together or worrying about how far away hotels are in Milan from an Exhibition Centre and can we even spare the time to go. I would rather be in stinky clothes with a load of cows screaming “SHAKRAH!!!” to the hills.
We were sitting in a car together once outside The Pudel. He was asking me “Why?” and I was saying “Well…”
Lu is from East Germany, and he remembers the day the Berlin wall came down. For him it was a bit confusing and he told me he was a little bit sad because he said to his mother “Does that mean I don’t get the cool letters of with Comics in them from Switzerland any more?”
In fact he told me that shortly after this photo was taken. Which was about the same time I fell over in the leaves and Lu laughed at me and said “C’mon Emma, there isn’t any snow!”
Anyway I’m feeling a bit wistful cause I was supposed to be going with Roxy to Barcelona this weekend but we both have a cold. I would have seen Ramiro in Sitges! Before the month of Fashion Weeks [Paris, London, Milan] I only have one weekend free… I HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE!! Look for me at some airport near you soon.
I’m miss my mafia friend Livia too!
OMG I forgot to mention – MY BIRTHDAY IN HAMBURG THIS YEAR!! Woo-hoo!! 6th December at the Golden Pudel Fo’ Shordy!!
Here is the birthday boy ASBO D. He was co-ordinating everyone’s arrival via mobile. I was feeling very spiritual and cosmic about birthdays and things and had a lovely time at the party.
Bok bok contemplates the cocktail menu while the Mehune woman and the Potted Parrot get it on in a tall glass. Bok bok’s girlfriend Sara shares my passionate views about R. Kelly. She also wishes people wouldn’t go on about “In the Closet”.
Prancehall orders off menu and gets this glorious Strawberry Daiquiri. Later on the evening I started some esoteric conversation with Prancehall about homeless people and how I have no patience for beggers, the KLF who burnt a million pounds and other such things. Long.
dont forget: me and princess prollkoller DJing at da golden pudel on sunday. gwem and the gwemettes are gonna play. it’s superdefekts birthday. i think it is going to get really really messy… like that song by true steppers song featuring dane bowers and victoria beckam “OUT OF YOUR MIND”… this tune’s gonna punish you… HAHAwhat an awesome song that is… anyway if you do get there, let’s hope booty carrell and pirouette are behind the bar and you an order one of the banana juice cocktails. i should be really packing rather than typing so laters – see you at the pudel.
OMG – I was just reading the lyrics to Out of Your Mind. It sounds just like me and ASBO D sending MySpace messages to each other. Baggsie I not be Dane Bowers.
Who do you think you are? Tellin’ me I’ve gone too far You must be out of your mind Tellin’ your friends I was buggin’ you That you weren’t being true Steppin’ out of your mind Open your eyes, boy you trouble me Expensive lies, but you’re playing for free I gave you what you want, what you need My time is a wastin’, but for you its a breeze ——–CHORUS——– (V.B.) You’re out of your mindGonna make this really easy for you (D.B.) I’m not out of my mind (V.B.) Gonna show you I’m not crazyBoy, you’re wasting my time (D.B.) I’m not wasting your time (V.B.) You’re out of your mind (D.B.) You’re out of your mindOut of your mind Thinking you were someone special Time has shown and now I know How wrong I have been I’m always feelin’ that you’re usin’ me, confusin’ me, two-timin’ me I can’t remember How long has it been? Open your eyes, boy you trouble me Expensive lies, but you’re playin’ for free I gave you what you want, what you need My time is a wastin’, but for you its a breeze ——–CHORUS——- You sing a song when people jump on you What this guy is saying can’t be true All I’m saying is that some girls should trip Stop buggin’ and buggin’ me and if they want it, flip I like despise Open your eyes, girl you trouble me Expensive lies, but you playin’ for free I gave you what you want, what you need My time is a wastin’, but for you its a breeze ——-CHORUS——- (x2) True Steppers, you’re out of your mind Ice cream, you’re out of your mind Tub-a-lo, you’re out of your mind Dane, you’re out of your mind This tune’s gonna punish you.