Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

August 11, 2010


Left on my own in his house this morning, rather than snoop through all the cupboards, I got on the Wii and deleted his ex-girlfriends Mii and replaced it with R Kelly, created by GOD.

Feeling satisfied I played a few rounds of Mario Kart as Bones then went and cleaned the kitchen worktops and stove as much as I could be bothered channelling my African sister, Dora.

Some days I am blissfully happy.

July 3, 2010


Before breaking my  cake dome today, Dora and I shared some spiritual moments.

First she told me that Gyan will be a dead man if he ever returns to Ghana and he needs a body guard now. I asked her “What about Ghana and the football?” and she screeched “What is da meaning of this stupid man crying? Dis stupid man needs to learn to kick a ball.”

Then I was telling Dora some of my personal life problems cause I was away in Nantes and didn’t see her last week. Dora says:

Emma, you are like the little animal that makes the honey. You know, the little one, [a bee?], yes dat one. Emma you are like a bee. You are busy all the time making things, doing things, making things sweet for you and all your friends. Making honey making honey. Emma you are a bee. Sweet sweet sweet. But I told you, don’t trust your friends. Don’t even trust yourself. Your friends don’t want you to change because they like you as the Emma they know. You will find a man and he will hold you safe like and egg. I told you dat one before. But don’t tell ANYONE for a long long time about him because people who will be jealous. I don’t know who dat stupid one is you know – he is a witch for saying those stupid things. Just don’t trust anyone. Not even yourself. You will go out and open your mouth and think “God what did I say that for.” [At this point I didn't try and explain I have a blog, what it is, what kind of news is available on it etc. I think I would have been in a big trouble. Anyway the spiritual advice was progressing to a story about a table and a chair.] This stupid story is like the chair talking about the table. You sit in the chair and you hear it talking about “She is like this, she is like that, she is a thief, she is stupid, she is whatever.” And because you are sitting in the chair, why would bother to ask the table if it is true? Dat one is a proverb.

I got a bit lost but I think I understood.

Then we opened my Twi book and first class started – greetings.

Me: Akwaaba Afua.
Dora: Yaa nua.
Me: Wo ho te sEn?
Dora: Me ho yE.

I can’t write the language properly on the keyboard – the E should be more like a backwards 3.
I have however started to get better and the super nasal noise that you should do in “ho” – a bit like saying the start of the word “horn” really hard and fast.

June 20, 2010


Hola amigos!

Welcome to life living the vida loca as per usual. I woke up this morning and started working on an old video I haven’t finished yet but got stuck in a hard drive k-hole and found a funny old rip of a DVD I had that had Indian music and dialogue that I didn’t understand at all. Basically, it could be a new video for Sandstorm by Darude.

If you want to see them together in action, check here.

Yesterday my mew Kenwood mixer arrived and Dora got 4 cakes. She yelled at me because she told me before that I was not allowed to have male visitor until after she had been. I apologised profusely and then talked her into promising to teach me how to make fufu next weekend. She showed me recent pictures of her family and we talked about me going to Ghana in November – which will be SO EXCITING. She said though she will have to make a big funeral cause three people in her family have died since she left Ghana and so she will buy me a black dress and she will teach me how to do the traditional dances. She showed me some moves and they look manageable for an esteemed dancer such as myself.

As captured at Club Philos by Cesca [also received and award for "Most Summery Outfit" in the middle of December last year]. That was such a sad moment. Dad was dying and I didn’t know if he would be alive before I got there and I would be leaving Hobart for the first time.

Dad called me today on the mobile to use up his credit. I love him. I told him I was going to play Tennis today.



Last week it ended up like this:

And me with sore muscles in my arse for a week.

May 30, 2010


Like an invincible obsessed fighter I am now learning Twii and Cantonese. I enrolled at Cactus for Cantonese starting in July and Dora is helping me using a Jehovah’s Witness pamphlet she was handed in Twii and English. Now  I can ask such philosophical questions like “What happens to us when we die?” in my best Ashanti language. Unfortunately I will not understand the answer, nor can I explain how it is fate hands me such a random load of dudes to meet via the internet.

The most recent – when he started telling me in detail about the 20 English mushrooms he took before he went to watch Betty Blue and he was getting all warm and lovely and smiling and then was found in a kitchen with his head in his hands saying “Oh Fuck… Oh Fuck… Oh Fuck…” over and over again I couldn’t pull the ripcord quickly enough. Unfortunately it was a pretty good evening until about then and the Venn Diagram looked good. But then I found myself sending texts to someone else under the table while the date started to re-enact comedian’s routines actually getting up from the table and walking across the floor to do it. I feel a bit mean – but definitely not for such a uptight cow like me. Meye den abc mpae ama Onyankopcn atie?

Or maybe something like this is gonna happen in Archway?!

Meye den anya anugye wc asetra mu? I will tell you how – spend the day along Holloway Road going to Le Peche Mignon, then to my secret second hand clothes store to spend £100 on three dresses, two old cotton nighties and two shirts, then to iShake which is a “new” late night “diner” where I had an Oreo Special shake made with SOYA MILK! HEAVEN. Then feeling good I went into town and got an everlasting polish in red and now I feel a million dollars.

April 18, 2010


Every day there comes a moment where you find yourself in a very deep spiritual moment with your pet. I hear it all the time from fellow pet owners. Obviously, even in the olden days they did it – these two are so close I’m not even sure where the dog tail ends and the scarf begins. It is a love that is of course not normal even though we all do it. So intense. And not at all embarrassing…!!!

My flight to Hong Kong / Melbourne / Hobart [the city] has been delayed because of volcanic intervention. I can’t say I am not a little bit glad because I get to spend a little extra time with Hobart [the cat] in the lovely London sunshine. Shortly I am going to make some macaroons. I asked Hobart if I should make a cake and she gave a kind of small weak miaou. Then I asked “macarons?” and she went crazy. It is great to have a live in Spiritual Advisor. Then Dora the Ignorer comes once a week and we talk about other stuff like immigration, stupid people and money. This week I got to see pictures of her Mum Abena and her 5 children. I have to tell you all, TALK ABOUT BABESVILLE.

Anyway to get formalities out of the way – sorry Beniah Brawn – I don’t know why I can’t post directly to this blog from Flickr cause I could before and I can on the Lektrotour Food blog. I hope I cover all necessary post backs for you here.

If you want to find out who this lady really is and where she comes from, check Beniah Brawns amazing Flickr stream here.

April 10, 2010


I don’t feel that much better this afternoon health wise but today Dora and I made some great advances together in the world of technology. I taught her how to send a text message and switch off her predictive text. She watched me rip some .flv files of the Internet and I told her how I am going to make a video tomorrow. Then she asked me all about Berlin which led to asking about being a DJ. Then we spoke about small digital cameras for her eldest son. So we then had a great photo shoot to compare different cameras. [see above] I was asking Dora if she was sure she wanted the dick with testicular cancer in the background and she said “Sure! I want everyone to see all your toys” and we both got to talking to Festus on the phone. And in between all that, she made my house clean as a whistle.

January 23, 2010


Today Dora taught me about baby names in Ghana. I was born on Tuesday so my name is Abena. And if I was a boy, it would have been Kwabena. Then I taught Dora / Afia how to use youtube and we looked at a lot of Christiana Love and Profit Seth videos. I was asking her about the Hiplife videos and she told me “They smoke marjuana these ones.” And then she told me about her son Festus who made a rap demo.

Christiana Love is a pastors wife. She does not dress appropriately for church and she dances like a normal person and not like a pastors wife. Apparently.

I love Kwaku’s voice. And Seth in this video is Profit Seth. And Seth used to be in Dora’s church back in Ghana.

xx Abena

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