Well here I am DJing at the Collapsed Lung in Harlow on Saturday night at the legendary venue, The Square.
You know, I have to say, I actually ENJOYED both bands performing. [The support was Killa Instinct.] The best part though for me was looking across the audience from my DJ vantage point seeing my friends Erika and Nik smiling in the half light and Nik was singing a long to every word of every song [in fact as was everyone in the room - over 200 locals and fans!] and I was really content.
Imaging my totally non blissed out feeling however when I was standing in the toilet queue when the exgirlfriend decided it was the perfect moment to introduce herself. Which she did and it was fine – she could have missed out the part where she was grabbing my arm mind you. But you know, “Hi” if you really feel you have to. But trust me – I don’t feel any good vibration. I think you got your Marky Mark record out on the wrong speed. And so just when I thought the worst was over and I was having a relaxing pause doing a little wee in the privacy of my own cubicle, or so I thought, I could hear this little mosquito voice calling out to me “I am soooo happy that you are together with A. I just don’t want there to be any trouble or awkwardness.” On and on. And on. I tried to wipe myself dry and to disassociate myself from the noise as I touched myself “in that region”. I was so stunned when I came out all I could says was “For fuck sake. I’m having a piss!!” The wittering continued. I just didn’t get it at all. When she started on again about “I just don’t want there to be any awkwardness” I was having a good laugh by then and said “You are doing a good job at that then love. I’m going back to work.” Massive lols mate. What if I needed a poo?
I told my boss about it today who was laughing her head off about it and said “What is it with you and these weird other women? You bring out the worst in them!! Next thing you know she will be dressed up like Santa on the Internet sending you messages.”
It could have been worse I suppose. I could have made her fuck a melon or something. Not that I would ever make someone do that…
In N19 we be strictly banging. As I like to tell myself.
Truth be told after the most stupid stupid stupid horrible embarrassing thing ever happening on Monday I spent the day in the office like a damp squib and came home and cried on the sofa like a teenager feeling very sorry for myself. As noted in the post below there are some parts about being a teenager that were really cool [my other favourite The Smiths song is Oscillating Wildly - is that what its called?] but crying on the sofa was not one of them. Particularly as I’m not all skinny, nubile and teeny any more. I mean I have the nipples for it but that is about it.
So apart from being thrilled with the Twi book I wished I had stayed at home and read quietly on Monday like I had planned: How do we roll round here to refocus our life on less stupid things? We go back to putting the B in Booyah, the R in Regulate and the A-I-N in Aint It Nice and get my ass over to Rennes to join The Brain 100% Party – Edition Rennaise.
I have been added as a last minute surprise so if you wanna come and party hook yourself up here!
I am certain that with the good vibes of the universe, everything is going to work out properly and I can go and wring out the sofa cushion. Especially as I have more important things to think about than weird mates, like WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?! [Suggestions on a postcard please but send it quick.]
And no I don’t mean the Champagne bar in Chelsea.
So, The Cardinal gave me the fabulous book Nollywood by Pieter Hugo. I love all the pictures of the women and witches and demons. I know how they all feel! Redwine and peanut sick dreadlock anyone?
SATURDAY! I spent quite a while reading other birthday presents from last week scoffing nougat and waiting for my cleaner to be 2.5 hours late which is long, even by her standards. I did call her to find out what was up and she was having a fight with her flatmates who all had electric heaters in their rooms and not admitting it so she was paying more than her share of electricity. The landlord came for a big meeting so big trouble in little Ghana.
Through the course of the day, I decided the best use for my completely luxurious and useless new Luella notebook calf skin bound and embossed with a mushroom, would be to jot down some of Dora’s comments about life. And today I was laughing with tears in my eyes about Elizabeth the other white clear she knew that was so fat she has no shape and so she told her and Elizabeth complained to the supervisor but no-one cared, the old lady who had a stroke and the Jamaican threw away her walking frame and how Jews [the חסיד ones] wear shoes that are so bad that if you throw one, not even a dog would touch it.
Sometimes, after a few glasses of wine in the gallery, life is good.
I had dinner with my friend who likes to ride a white saddle. I had such a wonderful and lovely time with him. He might be a guy and inflicted with all the failings that such comes with such a genetic fault from birth, otherwise he is a pretty top person. Another human I will add to my “I’m such a lucky person” list.
Got some great gossip: a mutual friend said he thinks I am a babe. Feeling is mutual!
On my way to get some lunch I laughed to myself thinking how much The Frenchman hates my glasses and asks me if I thould get something that isn’t so heavy and from his pocket the other day he presented these retangular wire frames specs he found on a park bench while gardening. I told him I wasn’t going to wear some greasy nonces eye wear. And The Frenchman said “Oh well in the bin.” By no means a funny story, but something funny to me.
Also, last night I was hanging out with Madames’ boys Duke and Joe. We sat on the little kitchen floor and adverted CATASTROPHE or MUMMY WILL GROUND US and made blueberry muffins which Joe hated as soon as he saw them and Duke pretended to like them but really he didn’t. So I said they could get some Kinder Delice from the fridge instead. When I arrived, Joe was dressed like a belly dancer genie and Duke was dressed like Slash from Guns and Roses complete with wig and top hat. He went to make his grand entrance to the living room cause they were going to sing me a song, only he was stopped short by the guitar he we strumming being too wide for the door. CLUNK! Hahahaha. Then we watched Mama Mia and sang all the songs together [I was there age when I heard the songs first time round!] and I quite enjoyed it but by the time the DVD started to skip and I got to turn it off early I was quite relieved.
I am looking forward to the long weekend. Aren’t you?
Everybody recovered after last night’s atrocities? I bet there are a few of you just getting out of bed now.
I had dinner with four friends at a local Thai restaurant. I had the Tom Kha and Lab Kai as per usual. My friends – who were taking various different drugs – made for an interesting mix of company. As the evening progressed, so did the conversation and my sense of watching a weird episode of Faulty Towers or something increased. Death by tsunami, death by Muslims on a plane, general death etc conversation for starters. Weird stalkers on the internet, weird sex on the internet and NONE of that was from me. They all hated the pub at the end of my street. It was kind of funny and nice. So they all ended up in my little flat continuing their own personal journeys to Midnight and The New Year visiting the bathroom and the back yard while I sat and drank pink prosecco, on my pink chair, watching the pink TV.
By the time they wanted to leave, I had already drawn a map for them to get back to the tube station and ripped it off the note pad I guess a little too eagerly because my best friend of the lot that was there cracked up and called me fucking autistic. It was also LOL.
Funnily enough though I had a really good time. I hope you all did too at whatever you were doing.
I’m in Soho and happy. I’m going to buy some chromakey paper. I am going to eat something tasty. I bought someone a present and I can’t wait to give it to them. I am smiling. I have a smiley voice. I had an amaretto macaroon instead of mint and loved it. It’s a great day and this is normal. I am happy.
Oh Allah. Today was pretty lacklustre. Dinner was pretty dramatic and ended up giving me a stomach ache. I try and be still like a mountain and last for an eternity but the rain is wearing me down. Then my close friend and confidant Alex said I dress like a mormon. Then apparently I am too tall. I got better though when we got out his iPhone and started looking at knickers on the Internet. And then we saw Nadia dressed like a whore on Kingsland Road looking fucking AMAZING. I wanted to stay out longer but I really felt sick to my stomach – so I decided to come home. And what happens when I check my inbox? The second email of the day from my friend from Hamburg Christian Weiß telling me all about his triathlon competitions with pictures [makes me feel guilty cause I never do any exercise], his travelling [makes me feel sad cause I haven't been anywhere since Christmas and I love to travel]. Anyway it’s good cause I love pen pals.
Actually me and Alex made some good joke, had a dance and drink and did a fake kiss for Jonjo so it wasn’t so bad. It was Max’s birthday.
Oh Jah. I’m just writing bullshit now.
I better go to bed.
P.S. Just to say I feel like I have committed a great sin by writing ‘Oh Allah’ instead of ‘Oh God’ and worry that I will be struck by lightening or stoned by men in the street tomorrow. Perhaps I should call and ask Manara for advice tomorrow and ask her if wearing a scarf to cover my hair will help? Tonight Alex said I dress like a mormon. Shit. I said that already. I’m not drunk I swear.
XXCENSOREDXX, XXCENSOREDXX’s sister apparently got drunk and fucked XXCENSOREDXX!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE [who apparently licked some girl's arse hole in the toilets of a club until she came and I swear to you she so didn't...] I tell you – when I heard, my jaw dropped. I was reeling. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Shock of a lifetime. My days.
I learnt a new card game today called Shithead with Jappers and Mr Chips in Finbury Park. SO MUCH FUN. I love card games and it reminded me of when I played Canasta for hours with my sister. We had the most beautiful card set with some Carmen Miranda lady on the back. The other card game we played was called Mhing. Or something.
Here is me the only time I was Shithead. Mr Chips ended up as Mega Shithead after crowing all arvo about what a champ he is and how he was going to bomb us all with his cards. And a fucking cheater!!
Here is Mr Chips totally desolate after his shameful loss searching through rubbish looking for some meaning to life. A spiritual cripple.
Some others with no dignity were these Italians who looked peaceful at this moment, but actually when Jappers and Mr Chips went to get some Doritos, they had a screaming row which disturbed my peaceful repose while I stared at the sky and dreamt of all kinds of beautiful things that you think about in summer weather. Unless you are stuck in an office with broken aircon.
Chillax to the maxxx
A long time ago I knew a man who was living in a hospital with patients living with different mental conditions. Robert was a real pain in the arse. He used to collect porn mags and display them by leaning them along his window ledge to offend the female nurses. He also stole cutlery so that he might eat in his room. It was not permitted to have such items in the rooms. All rooms were free of coat hangers, the mirrors were made from metal sheets [not very reflective] there were no shower curtains and no shower rails to tie sheets from.
I was wearing and Oeuf t-shirt [remember that label that Andrew Hartwell did?] that said HOMME MINUS on it when Robert saw me. Robert eyed me up and down and said from under his grey moustache “Oh you are one of those women are you?” I was so emo at the time I felt like crying in his face, but didn’t. I’m not a real man hater. But sometimes I feel like it.
It is properly raining now. I love it after a warm day. The air smells like magic spells.
I just went searching for my old French teach at College – Mr Redeker but couldn’t stalk him. He was one of my teachers who was very encouraging. He told me that I would be able to do anything I wanted, whatever that might me. I just haven’t decided what I want to do yet. Someone else said the same thing today. I’m glad I haven’t “lost it” after all these years.
And so where to begin? It’s 9pm and I’ve heard it was a beautiful day today – I just made it out at about 8pm to walk to McDonald’s for something to eat. I wanted KFC but that is further and I couldn’t be bothered.
Last night The Cardinal and I were waiting at The Star at the end of the street until it dawned on us that Mr Chips actually meant The Star on Bethnal Green Road for Say Yes. Durrr… So dressed in what we had rolled out of the house in we made it over to The Star to get sweaty with everyone else.
The only woman to managed to keep it together in her Alphabet of Chanel blouse was Jenny Jenny the most gorgeous woman at the house of vice. My only regret is that I didn’t manage to get her feet in the picture too. It would have been perfect.
Everybody else was trying to keep cool fanning themselves with 7 Year Glitch flyers that Venom and Cardinal were handing out for the party on 23rd August.
Mr Chips cool as ice and me as sweaty as a Christmas boiled ham. I look like a big fat piece pressure cooked silverside. HML.
It was then off to Lucy’s birthday on a roof top in Bethnal Green. It was so amazing sitting out on a warm night drinking the new summer time vibes favourite – Whiskey and Ginger. This is Japper’s tipple of choice that I am now adopting. So good. If the truth is known though I really hate the Cardinal right now for being complicit in a spit ball game with Paul Pieroni that took place at Cocadisco which I wont go into detail over but let this be a warning to them both that revenge is best served cold and your times will come. And it was so OMG cause my old friend Koffi was there by chance too. So much fun.
Lucy made Amph dance for ages and did all kinds of moves. She really was non-stop! I couldn’t stop laughing! So much fun! It seemed she had a great time for her birthday.
I mean down on the ground with your legs in the air along side someone as smiley as Amph. I wouldn’t complain. LOLZ.
A broken man.
Deano was also there and for some reason he was letting me punch him in the face loads of times on both cheeks. My hand actually hurts a little bit today. I hope his face is okay.
My love life is still the same.
There are loads of parties on Friday night, but the one I am going to is this! The Cardinal from Kuntish Frown [LOL] will be DJing around midnight or so. I will have to find out before so I don’t peak too early on Gin and Tonic and end up crying in a corner. Or if I had any sense, I would seek out a bar serving my new favourite Koko Kanu which claims to be “the natural aroma and flavour of coconuts with the finest Jamaican Rum.” The bottle is very pretty to say the least. And it is a bit like Malibu but not as sickly. Or maybe if I had even more sense I would shy away from booze all together after the crazy long weekend I just had – but I put all that down to stress release from the week before.
Also tomorrow night is another Night Slugs in Camberwell at the Red Star. DJ Guy is playing there… I’m sorely tempted cause he is good times and funny guy! I will never forget playing scrunchy football with him in Paris at Le Triptyque at the end of a Diamond Grills where Bitch Ass Darius was playing, Goon and Koyote [obs] and a guy that DJ Guy and I thought all night the French were calling “Bum ‘ole”. We later realised it was “Bobmo”. Mega LOLZ and shame face all round!!
God I just remembered the other two ‘night slugs’ that the Rubber Band Man and I saw ages ago on the pavement in Archway. GROSS!
I’m really bored today. There is a plasterer coming over tomorrow and I still have chores. YAWNSVILLE.
Sorry, I have been so distracted by my real life to have post any real updates with pictures from my real life. I don’t know what last nights demented phone blog was all about – but after 20 Drunk Dialled Calls
You Frigging Get Me?! Not so pretty… But see all that hair? I did smell just like BDL but not this morning. All I could smell were my weird dreams about a guy called Moose [like I know... so random] a swimming pool and going to the toilet in a room that had a latch made from leather in the shape of a dog with it’s tongue hanging out.
for being too much fun.
Oh God – I just remembered the most hilarious cab driver of all my days last night!! Only I don’t have time to tell you now cause I just woke up from a nap [real life was big tings today] and have already missed seeing my lady friends Covvo and Mrs V in town from Berlin and am trying to get ready to DJ at 333 Bar or where ever it is I’m meant to be. Moskow Disco or DJ Aligator. A hard choice.
Urgh and I ate the Chicken Diamond for early dinner at Archgate and keep burping spicy sausage. No toungers from me then.
Just worked out wot FYI TEXT Y MORE THAN MUM means. Goodness me! Fancy u knowing words like that? Specially to y’r old fashioned papa. R u in bed? What time ru?
I’m pissed in a club with my mate Philippa
Half yer ‘f’in luck. Have one 4 me. Cheers 2 u both. Luv ya, Pa. xxx
And the next morning
How’s the head? Both of you pissed yet? Cheers. Pa.
The Cardinal and I had such a great time on the weekend. Even though I was standing in the middle of Dalston with no clue where the fuck I was.