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August 6, 2008

GIVE AND TAKE AWAY

I woke up this morning – finally – to receive the following in my Flickr mail. It has lest me feeling totally heartbroken. How can this be? A random message from a complete stranger.

——–

06/08/08

Dear L

I’m writing to apologise for my borderline obsessive compulsive accessing of your blog.

You must admit, images of good food and vicariously experiencing jolly japes in dirty London town are quite seductive, addictive and an acceptable displacement activity. London hasn’t looked so good since irritant released the I-sound 7” back in the day.

However, you do have a point and I feel that I may not be able to adequately explain to my senior management team that it is appropriate for me to look at post-modern images of plates of food and nightclub toilets.

In addition, it may not be the most effective use of my time at work.

Therefore, I guess it’s time for me to clean up my desktop.

Goodbye Diana Scheuemann!, farewell Russian tramp racing,! Bless! Bless! Lektrogirl…

a new life for me.

kind regards, A.

p.s. I don’t think that is my IP address, so please don’t send any horse’s heads to my co-workers!

——–

Without dwelling on this too much, I will drag myself to the Worker’s Cafe on Holloway Road for an omelette and coleslaw and then purchase the necessary dowelling to construct the makeshift stand for my new chromakey green roll. Mr Chips and I have a plan. The G.A. sent me another email this morning but only some sections are relevant if you didn’t read the mail I sent him. And there is also some personal information regarding my latest interests in men which I don’t feel like revealing. Pop’s and I chat about all shit. But here are some edited highlights:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 06 August 2008 07:03
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on wed 7th August 2008. Needless to add, unusually quite elated.!

howdy shags, I already sent you a text about good news, Y.s. F.s No,I don’t give you the credit for an adult aged 16 years, Sometimes I think you must be about six! As you often print HA.HA. yOU WANKER. XXCENSOREDXX? Your comment about teaching young folk about dealing with the future is very relavent.(how’d ya spell ‘relevent?) Mind you even at my age it’soften hard to unravel the poxy governmental policies relating to any F.Thing.But then I always was a bit thick.
XXCENSOREDXX? Good show, mate.
I’m not exactly worried about you gettinng yourself up the duff. ai JUST WORRY THAT WE WOULDN’T BE THERE TO HELP YOU WHEN NECESSARY(FARK agen.Bleedin Caps LOck)
Any how you ain’t u.t.d, enciente, preggars, so w.t.f am I worrying about? S.F.A.
Time to abandon ship EH? Got a job to do fer meself. Since I am of royal Scottish blood, it’ll have ‘glitters’n it. and so sparkle in the water!
Luv from yer DADA. WtFis that? PA.

What am I gonna do when this old bastard croaks?

xx Lektrogirl

August 1, 2008

DRESSED LIKE A MORMON

Oh Allah. Today was pretty lacklustre. Dinner was pretty dramatic and ended up giving me a stomach ache. I try and be still like a mountain and last for an eternity but the rain is wearing me down. Then my close friend and confidant Alex said I dress like a mormon. Then apparently I am too tall. I got better though when we got out his iPhone and started looking at knickers on the Internet. And then we saw Nadia dressed like a whore on Kingsland Road looking fucking AMAZING. I wanted to stay out longer but I really felt sick to my stomach – so I decided to come home. And what happens when I check my inbox? The second email of the day from my friend from Hamburg Christian Weiß telling me all about his triathlon competitions with pictures [makes me feel guilty cause I never do any exercise], his travelling [makes me feel sad cause I haven't been anywhere since Christmas and I love to travel]. Anyway it’s good cause I love pen pals.

Actually me and Alex made some good joke, had a dance and drink and did a fake kiss for Jonjo so it wasn’t so bad. It was Max’s birthday.

Oh Jah. I’m just writing bullshit now.

I better go to bed.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. Just to say I feel like I have committed a great sin by writing ‘Oh Allah’ instead of ‘Oh God’ and worry that I will be struck by lightening or stoned by men in the street tomorrow. Perhaps I should call and ask Manara for advice tomorrow and ask her if wearing a scarf to cover my hair will help? Tonight Alex said I dress like a mormon. Shit. I said that already. I’m not drunk I swear.

OMG!!!
XXCENSOREDXX, XXCENSOREDXX’s sister apparently got drunk and fucked XXCENSOREDXX!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE [who apparently licked some girl's arse hole in the toilets of a club until she came and I swear to you she so didn't...] I tell you – when I heard, my jaw dropped. I was reeling. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Shock of a lifetime. My days.

July 24, 2008

I HURT PHIL

I hurt his feelings. It was a mistake. I can see that. I see his passion and his pain. Both of those things start with P. So does his name. But Philip sounds more like it starts with an F.

And today I am in the Shop sitting in the cool basement with my shoes off and feet up on a stool listening to ABBA sung in Swedish in a shirt I bought last summer and never wore and I went looking for some sandals this morning and couldn’t find them and found the shirt instead. I had already changed three times but still didn’t feel right but I found the shirt and my life just fell into place. I wonder if I can work Max’s laptop to make a video like Mr Chips did? I hesitate only because I worry I will end up looking like I have an double chin.

xx Lektrogirl

July 21, 2008

YERRR REALLY HIDEOUS

It is no secret – I have been really vile lately. To everyone. To myself. To one person in particular who I think the world of and I have been a TOTAL loser. To other people who I have met along the way and really wasn’t thinking clearly. I can’t scrub any of that out. I wish I could. But I’m so like Cher on a warship right now you’d be like confused as to who was who. You Get Me?

So what changed? Well having someone unhappy with me really wasn’t a good look. But waking up and feeling homesick and hung over and dreading another day unfolding. It felt like a long time ago. I really thought those days were far behind me. The turning point came when Fambles came over and watched TV with me. I did nothing but lie there while Fambles watched some show about the pilgrimage to Mecca. We didn’t speak. Then today was the cure: I got the opportunity to have a big cry in an office with a man I just met [I don't know why - I always find men easier to talk to, especially strangers] and then I scooted off into town to meet Fambles again and go shopping. It was so good to have some serious old jokes times on a spiritual level.

*******
I just tried to explain two of the best jokes from the day and one involved preferring to get AIDS than have unprotected sex and the other about a guy with a camo backpack who walked past us. Neither joke translates at all.
*******

So yeah, the storm is over for now. I’ve been a dick. I was totally why u onnu bad mind? Like totally getting your period in a posh pair of expensive knickers. The worst. [This did not actually happen - it was an allegory: i.e. ON A PAR]

xx Lektrogirl

June 22, 2008

SO EFFING GROSS

In the mood for DIY today after my astrology reading said that I can be lazy today and only attend to the essentials. So I decided to clean out all the waste pipes in the bathroom from the sink and shower. The picture above is just from the sink. That is a matted mess of hair, toothpaste and grout and got knows what else. It smelt fucking rank.

My mother keeps calling me and I keep avoiding her. I have nothing to tell her other than I’m broke, my neck hurts and I’m looking for a new job but can’t sit at the computer for too long. I’m not in the mood.

Last night at WORK IT was a real drag for various reasons. But I was able to conclude that XXCENSOREDXX is no longer the worst dressed girl in London. After only seeing XXCENSOREDXX in TWO outfits, she has superseded the original horror with a devastating skill. Really really bad. So apologies to the first worst dressed girl. I actually think you are quite pretty for what it is worth.

I was so distracted by trying to have a good time when really I wasn’t last night that I didn’t even think to test the smell of this. I wonder if it really smelt of baby powder!!

When I first woke up this morning I felt like another lead weight had been added to my load when I thought some random cat had puked in my back yard – the same cunty cat who broke the cover for my kitchen strip light perhaps?! – but no it turned out to be just a water logged slice of wholegrain bread my neighbours had thrown into the garden along with all the other shit they throw, when not yelling at their dog or singing Frère Jacques to their kid atonally.

And to cheer myself up, I am reposting this song from September 2007

Best song ever.

xx Lektrogirl

June 19, 2008

I MISS YOU!!

Ladies I love you and think about you every day!! This picture makes me so sad… You have really moved!!

xx Lektrogirl

June 17, 2008

I’M SO SORRY

Hey everyone, I have to say sorry. I’ve been lying flat on my back for the last two days with the sorest neck muscle spazz out since days. The Cardinal came over with bread, three cheeses, prossecco and pain killers. Oh and an Old Jamaica. She also brought her new R Kelly record over ‘Why U Wanna Play Me’. Tears of joy. Silverlink, my doppelganger (I mean LOOK at us both – tall, shaggy hair and glasses), has kept me company online with chats of cake, coffee, ganache, macaroons and praline. And now in bed all I can manage is to type this for a few minutes while watching a repeat of Law and Order SVU.

Please put up with me until I recover, or get a real soya latte from Milk Bar – whichever comes first. OH COOL! Real Life FBI files on telly now.

xx Lektrogirl

May 17, 2008

GREAT MATCH

I found the song I was looking for to match me with today

Mr Fingers: Stars

xx Lektrogirl

April 20, 2008

THE BEST FRIDAY

At the depths of despair – or maybe it was chronic PMT – I rang my Mutts the other night crying about everything and nothing. [It is a long story.] And like a superstar she knew just the fixer. She told me to get £20 out of her bank account and go and do something nice the next day. So obviously I went and did the best thing you could do on a Friday in London – I went to Borough Market.

Like everyone else who sees these, I am always totally captivated by them hanging there at the stall at Borough. One girl came up to me after I photographed them and asked me if I thought the stall owners should be allowed to display them there. She thought that they should be hidden. I mean – I could see what she was saying, but I didn’t see it as any different to all the other meat on display all over the market [albeit without fur and cute ears] or the fish in the fabulous fish stall which is my personal favourite stall.

Granted the rabbits did stink of blood. I asked her if she was a vegetarian and she said no. She just felt that the display of rabbits was ‘a little violent’. The rabbits just made me think of when I was young and we had ‘pet’ rabbits that were actually bought to grow for meat anyway. But my sister and I had befriended them all and been playing with them regularly taking them out of the cage and letting them run all over the garden. When I went out to the garage one day to see The G.A. almost at staggering stage from a lot of whiskey and a half skinned rabbit hanging from the corrugated iron roof I felt really awful. I asked The G.A. if I could have a go at skinning it, he said yes, I ripped off some pelt and it sounded like Velcro ripping apart. I felt even more awful. Then later at the dinner table, I felt more awful still.

Anyway back to Borough Market.


The money Mutts gave me I spent at Brindisa on tortilla and chicory salad and a coffee. All for £12.04 [including service.] I made the chicory salad for myself the next day for lunch it was so good. And the tortilla was pretty good – warm and gooey – but not as good as the tortilla from La Rosa in Madrid!

Then I went and bought a variety of snacks to be had with Prosecco while Cardinal and I prepared ourselves for Deano’s birthday. Focaccia bread, beetroot hummus, fresh tomatoes, blue cheese and garlic olives. Venom also came over but he broke one of my limited edition Babycham glasses that Max gave me as a present when I still worked at the shop. I was drinking ‘Rose Royals’ [prosecco and French rose syrup] while Cardinal had prosecco with Bush Liqueur I brought back from Tasmania made with Pepperberries. Anyway as soon as we got to the party, and the Imodium I gave Venom to stop him pooing all over the place worked it was good times all round.

And now by Sunday morning, the misery has gone and I am much happier! Thanks Mum.

xx Lektrogirl

April 15, 2008

MONDAY 15TH APRIL REPORT

Have I told you all recently how much I love Teki Latex? I love him!

Today I walked in the rain all on my own through London feeling sad cause a part of my died today and it was horrible and I cried and I felt terrible. But SO relieved that all the problems I got are my own and not the weirdness of someone else. Anyway the destination of my walk was 55 Doughty Street – the old house of The G.A.

I also took a few pics of surrounding pubs that he had described to Mutts. The wind was icy and my feet got really cold. When the hell is the warmer weather coming?!

We all know I regularly dream about someone who wishes I wouldn’t. Last night he was in love with my sister who for some reason looked like Jessica Simpson in daisy dukes and showing a lot of butt. I don’t know how successful he would have been with her cause he was wearing a gauze nappy full of shit and rubbing himself against my leg getting a stiffy. So weird.

Time is really passing.

On a lighter note, I was walking up Tottenham Court Road with a certain friend who was going to pull something out of the oven for me and we followed for a while this trio of finely dressed chaps – what a bunch of faggasaurs!

The one on the left had the peachest butt I had ever seen – and his jeans seemed tailored to give him a girls bum. In fact what jeans were they? My friend declared they had to be Dolce and Gabbana cause ‘a queen like that would go straight for the Dolce and Gabbana’ [mainline obvs] but I was so confused – the label looked like those little metal plates on the Marc Jacobs bags… Can someone please fill me in on that?

The guy in the middle was like the third wheel on the bicycle. His clothes were like the look of the other two but recreated with ill fitting finds from H&M. Only he had a really nice bag.

Finally, the guy on the right had us in hysterics – what is with this heavy chambray style mix jacket with the shoulder shits with black leather gloves and dark jeans. He looked like a psycho. And the jeans… hang on a minute… “those jeans are from Celine and they don’t make a men’s line!” I guess he had problems walking in them cause he was as stiff as a rod all the way up the road, even when the guy from the far left came over and put his arm through his, not an inch of warm, not a leaning in, a bend of the arm, even recognition this guy existed. Maybe he was just so dead set to get to the 134 bus stop all the way home?!

Anyway – dark day – and check this out:

I cried today, walked through the wind and rain and was cold, waited half an hour for a bus that wouldn’t let me on cause the machine ate my money, had to get a tube, waited in line to top up my oyster card and had no change cause I’d lost it in the bus ticket machine, realised the tube machine didn’t take notes and had to go and queue up again at the window and talk to a man. AND DESPITE ALL ODDS – STILL A BABE – STILL GOT THAT PHOTOFACE TM – STILL GOT THAT VIBE – STILL GOT THAT BABE HAIR – REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!!

xx Lektrogirl

April 8, 2008

MEGA LOL

Here is my friend Caz trying to be like me with the bra shot… Oh no.. hang on… LOL hahaha

ROTFLOL

Mum called this morning and I told her was really sad this morning feeling like I had nothing to get out of bed for today. I can’t tell you the real reasons why other than to say XXCENSOREDXX has banned me from talking about XXCENSOREDXX here and another whole part of my life is totally XXCENSOREDXX anyway…

and here I was at the New Zealander party have a whale of a time.

But then I get up this morning to see the world has been moving on with out me and see visions such as Caz with a twisted bra. Lovely.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. Alex T asked me on Sunday night what my favourite episode of C.S.I. is and I couldn’t choose but now I know. It is an episode in season 5 of C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation [the Vegas one] called COMMITTED set in a mental prison where a guy gets murdered by the mother of one of the patients who is masquerading as a nurse so that she can continue her Jocasta complex relationship with her mentally ill son. They crack the case when Grissom uses a really great piece of far fetched technology [LOL] – audio archaeology or something. The son was making a clay vase when his nurse mother came in to demand that he finish it with the guy who was murdered and apparently the sound waves of their conversation were picked up in the wet clay. The C.S.I. team were able to pick up the sound recording using lasers, processing it through something that looked a little bit like Sony Acid Pro but with a jazzier skin and they all realised who was banging who.

April 4, 2008

I MISS THE RESTAURANTS

In a bid to save money, I haven’t been eating out as much as I used to [Like every other night of the week down to never] and I REALLY REALLY MISS IT.

Here is a list of outstanding meals from my memory:

BAR LUNA: Sitges, Spain
On a hot hot hot sunny day I ate calamari, salt and pepper mussels and patatas bravas washed down with beer with Ramiro.


BEACH BURRITO CAFE: Berwick St, London
I used to go here all the time for the chicken nachos. It has closed now and apparently moved further up the road. I didn’t try out the other place.

ARBUTUS: Frith Street, London
Probably the best dinner I ever had was here. I had potted chicken liver pate, fish and then floating meringue island.

Oh God this is too painful. Yauatcha, Andrew Edmunds, Aurora [even though I had my wedding anniversary dinner in there the bad taste of that event would never taint the taste of the food], Julie’s, Amuse in NY, BAR DU MARCHE I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU. I haven’t even been to the pub at the end of the street in three months.

Today I am miserable.

xx Lektrogirl

February 23, 2008

WEEKEND ACTIVITY

Here, print these out and make yourself a little book to colour in.

Possibly one of the most romantic series of pictures I have seen for a long time.

xx Lektrogirl

February 12, 2008

ITALO FOR YOU

I have a really heavy heart today. If you read the book before, I am having trouble managing my ‘circle of concern’. LOL. On the plus side, all the cop shows are on tonight.

xx Lektrogirl

January 31, 2008

DEAR SUMMER

Dear Summer

Yesterday I went into the Old Man Umbrella shop with friend to buy an umbrella. There was an exquisite selection of lady’s brollies in the corner with chocolate brown fabrics and mauve tassles. But the air was crisp and the sun was shining and I didn’t feel like I needed a new umbrella yesterday. I thought that soon Spring would bounce into my life and Summer would be on the doorstep.

But urgh. No. I didn’t even need to open my eyes today to know that it was grey and miserable and raining. Winter – you are not very popular with me.

Apart from the smell of newsprint on the back seat of a car on a hot Summer’s day in the 80’s, the opression in the tube carriages in the 00’s and inflated travel prices online there is not a lot I dislike about you Summer. I don’t need to wear all my clothes at once, in fact I can wear very few. Tights good bye! Sunglasses hello! Mango, barbeque, smiles and lobster. Good looking men appear in Summer – all the dark woolly hats and grey scarves matching the “non beard beard” on their face dissapears. Finally we can see you.

Summer, please come soon. I know you are still working in Australia and a Summer there is far better than any Summer could be here in Britain, but there is something quaint and pretty about British people pinking themselves up in Soho parks. And I have a friend who could use some Summer in his life too. Please come soon.

Thanks you for taking the time to listen to me,

Your friend

xx Lektrogirl

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