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July 6, 2010


I was sending a text to Cards tonight trying to explain what kind of sore throat I had. The only thing I could think of was telling her it was an “EXECUTIVE REALNESS FLU”.

Executive Realness comes from the movie Paris Is Burning which is a documentary about the New York Balls for the gay community. People dress up in outfits for different nominated categories, walk the floor and hope to grab a trophy. One category is “EXECUTIVE REALNESS” where competitors need to dress up like executives, and be REAL. Convince the judges that they are powerful, influential, making big decisions, EXECUTIVE.

Anyway, my sore throat comes from working to hard in shoes with heels, taking purposeful strides to the bank to make transactions, negotiating terms, recovering losses, making profit. I.E. “EXECUTIVE REALNESS FLU”. I really took the trophy on that one and live the life.

One category I would never win is “FEMME REALNESS”. I have very soft skin, but walk like a farmer [so my dad used to say] or a fat cop [so Antoine used to say] on his way to get another donut [which is kind of weird given I was rake thin at the time and living in a homeless persons shelter. If I could have afforded a donut I would have had one for sure!] I reckon I would be a good contender for “BUTCH QUEEN’S FIRST TIME IN DRAGS AT A BALL”  or maybe even one of the basic categories “MILITARY” as Alex T always says I look like a Mormon Lesbian and my old boss used to tell me I dressed like a lesbian prison warden.

I would definitely have a go at “CHEESECAKE” where you can be any shape & nude – you just gotta be sexy! “HIGH FASHION PARISIAN” is no good for me because you really gotta be thin for that.

My favourite category though doesn’t come from Paris Is Burning [you got to see it - download it from Pirate Bay or something if you must] it is off a YouTube video “DRAMATIC CUNTY” where you get to show those girls how cunt you are.

Honestly, I dunno what the dancers really mean, but the phrase has turned into something real in my life – courtesy of Nameless – who used to use it when I flipped over the edge. Truss me sistahhhhs we have all been there. And the thing is, it isn’t just for us geeeeeehhhhllllz but the men can have their dramatic cunty days as well. But I would definitely win at least a small trophy for my ability to walk the “DRAMATIC CUNTY”. If you can’t imagine it, here are some real life examples:

  • Getting totally wasted on amaretto and coke* and calling someone up and screaming down the phone at them they are a total cunt because they were talking to another girl ending in a fit of tears, snot down the face, crying and punctuating sobs with “I didn’t even want to drink it. I only drank it because it was there.”
  • Calling your ex-husband about 50 times time after time knowing he put you on call manager, storming down Holloway Road in your pyjamas at night time and banging on his door until the prick opened it, barging in, making him tell you something ridiculous and then having to beg him to walk you home because once you were over the anger were too scared to step out at that hour.
  • Chasing your boyfriend up the road crying because he didn’t want to hang out with you, calling after him, throwing your mobile phone at him with rage [It was a Nokia 5110 if you want to know] and watching it sail past his head because you are so mad you of course have no aim, watch it make contact with the pavement and break into a million pieces. And your boyfriend burst out laughing while you collapse on the pavement.
  • Getting so mad with your boyfriend that you rip up every love letter you ever wrote him in front of him while he begs you not to and you screaming “I gave you all these things and I can do what I want with them” and gathering up all the pieces with the polaroids and drawings you made and flinging the lot out the window. He looks out and down on the lower level roof top below the window and says “Great now all the neighbours can see a polaroid of your cunt when they look out in the morning” and making the boyfriend get a can, wrap it with sticky tape with the sticky part on the outside and lower the can down on a long long long piece of string to fish for the picture of your cunt and bring it inside with a furious shame.

All four examples of DRAMATIC CUNTY. I have [maybe only one or two hohoho] more examples there. I know for a fact every girl has had her day at the DRAMATIC CUNTY alter. I also know that every guy I ever dated had their DRAMATIC CUNTY days too.

* fucking CAREFUL okay.

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