Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

November 16, 2008

WHEN IS THERE A DRY SPELL?

I walked back from dinner and he said “Some people are just destined to spend their lives single.” I was laughing and crying with snot and tears down my face I begged him to stop and he said that it was just how it is sometimes. I couldn’t even walk any more and cried and said “This year has been so so horrible. Please stop. I can’t bare it.” And kept laughing too. Someone else said I was emotionally incontinent.

My mother called and told me she had read my blog the other day. Before she went on I had to hold the phone away from my ear and shout “No no no please don’t tell me you’ve read it. You can read it if you want but I don’t want to hear what you have to say about it.” Which turned into a big conversation about how on evening at the dinner table she sat their with my sister quoting sections of my diary they found back to me with great hysterics between the two. I was so ashamed. I wanted to die. So it must come as no great surprise then that after that my boundaries on public and private are totally fucked.

I heard some great gossip stories this weekend. I was really laughing hard. I also found some BRILLIANT material for the Sex Attack video.

July 14, 2008

DELIRIUM / THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #10

I have spent the last days asleep, half awake, dreaming, imagining how I wish life was, dreaming, forgetting again, talking too late to randoms on facebook chats and now I am totally lost. I can’t remember what I really said to anyone and what they really said to me. I would enjoy the feeling if it was accompanied by sore throat and sweaty brow!

I have had some really nice music sent to me [I know a bit weird but I was really into it at 5am the other night]

And I was reminded of some good times good jokes [I reckon I have watched this about 12 times]

I cried in Greek Street but was laughing by the time I got to Frith Street. Then I got to my street and delirium had started in.

Dad sent me another email:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com]
Sent: 14 July 2008 06:24
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: appropos of sfa as usual except it passes the time talking to an intelligent person

One certainly gets tired of listening to the aged cough their lungs up, dribble, talk incessantly of their bowels, aches and pains, their children
who rarely come and see them, the ‘orrible food, much of which appears to have passed thru a human body before,
(like mince on toast, brown, runny, smelly and sits on toast which has wiped a bottom . Suck it and see!. XXCENSOREDXX bloke sounds a bit suss? Not a criticism just a comment in passing. Knowing you, you prolly frighten the shite out of him? He might be a cock virgin? If you end up the duff you can always come home? I’ll sign over my half the house to you so you can borrow some dough to start a business. DON’T GO BRAGGING THAT BIT OF INFO TO YER MA NOR SARA)D,H or i’ll send a witch to give you warts on the private parts
Just eating a bag og Smiff’s chips Original. BUT THEY AINT ORIGINAL because the original used to have twist paper with salt in, nearly 80 years ago. Jesus your old pa is getting a bit aged. Still God’s Chosen, the Pope. is 81, He wears red slippers. I wonder wot colour his drawers are? Dpes the pope have to wipe his bum. or does he have a bumboy?Cheers Darling daughter. Try not to scare shite out of yer dere ol’ dad. Keep safe. PaXXXX

Just for the record I don’t know where The G.A. gets the idea about the getting pregnant stuff from! Totally random. Cause I didn’t say anything about that to him! Jesus. Even my own father calls me a slut. But then everything I learnt about sex I learnt from him anyway. I remember him drawing anatomical diagrams in the columns next to his crossword puzzle for me. I remember also sitting in the dining room when I was a kid listening to Dad in the living room talking to Grandpa talking about all the women they had sex with when they were younger. They thought they were being really discreet but they were both deaf they were practically yelling at one another.

Okay friends I feel that if I go on, I will be writing more than I should and my astrology told me today to be more circumspect… LOL

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. If anyone wants to bring me some food please do.

May 26, 2008

RUSKILEKTRO


RuskiLektro, originally uploaded by Michael O’Neill!.

Oh God! I’m getting hotter and hotter as the long weekend draws to a close. Here you can see me at DJ Venom’s birthday dinner getting instruction from Manara on how to be a good Muslim. I think it is a good look and now I know the difference between strict Muslims, Persian Muslims and the Queen Mother as far as scarves go.

So much happened this weekend. First part of the Lady Gang met and went to the Fervent Moon party and Louis Enchant├ęs DJing was most delicious. After that we went to The Star for the new Say Yes party. Whoever was DJing there played “Circus Bells” by Robert Armarni. A highlight of that party. Then we traipsed down Cambridge Heath Road only for The Cardinal to get a wine bottle stuck down her jeans.

It was an emotional moment. Tragedy was averted when she realised she could get it out again by just undoing her jeans. We were all pretty waste, YGM by then – not too bad. But obvs enough to not be thinking logically. Venom and the Air Commodore had to piss in a side street together. I wonder if they were rubbing willies?

Then we all made it to some party in Dalston and I have to say that I really hate it round there – no offence to the locals – but in my minds eye, this is what Dalston looks and smells like:

I’m up for being better educated like from Ladette to Lady, though after having to make myself puke before I thought I could stomach any breakfast, I don’t think making it to the status of Lady is gonna happen any time soon. I rolled home late in the day hoping to grab 40 winks only the Cardinal and I really needed to have a lengthy conversation before we were due to meet in about 3 hours, even though we had spent the whole night at a party together as well. I cannot divulge what it was exactly we spoke about – I’m sure my stalkers who come here looking for dirt, haters who come here with nothing better to do and my dad who comes looking for titty pics would love to know – only I will say the Cardinal came up with the line that has cracked me up ever since – “God, what do guy’s think we talk about? Nail polish?” Well, true dat.

So after no sleep, that night at the Tate Modern in the Turbine Hall me and my two friends settled down on our little cushions that looked like kickboards from a learn to swim class to check out “Past-Potential- Furtures: Early Experiments in Computer Animation.”

I didn’t take these videos – someone else did and I think that this person was the one who was fucking me off the whole night with their camera cause the back light of the display on their camera was so bright it was burning the corner of my eye…

GOOGOLPLEX – Lillian Schwartz and Kenneth Knowlton

SO AMAZING.

Though my absolute favourite was CIBERNETIK 5.3 from 1965 by John Sterhura. And check this out – look at his banging URL http://cyberanimation.tripod.com/ I always regret not having a tripod site or angel fire. So ghetto.

Anyway so I was totally in another world watching these. So happy!

Then tonight after the laziest day ever, spent all of it in bed and watching Starsky and Hutch:

[Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughan and Snoop Dogg - Ben Stiller can make jokes to get me in the mood and the other three can do what ever they want to this princess.] we all went to a Russian restaurant for Venom’s birthday where I ate this:

And so now night night everyone.

xx Lektrogirl

May 13, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #5

Unfortunately, due to the sensitivity of some of the subject matter contained therein, I was forced to XXCENSOREDXX sections of the last email from The G.A.

Takes me 2 and a half hours to s.s.s.* and dress myself each morning, which is why I am typing this note at 11.15 a.m.
Good to hear from you shags, NO I am not really a racist? I remember Ruthy Rare (rahray say) who was a New Zealand Moari and as dark as a fukkin blood sausage, Good fun though, Could play a ujke and sing like a thrush. Only quite little, hard to find in a double bed!!! XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX?
XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX. shove it up yer joompa. Take ma’s credit card and extract up to 20$ worth to buy yourself some British fish and chips. (think of me when you eat them!) I will give her my next fortnites allowance to cover your end. I hope to hell you can get a feed of f’n'c’ for 20 $?
Yeah I know it must be tough having the imbalance problem. Specially if you got it off my side of the family. My ma and pa were quite a pair of fukkin wonkers during our lives. None of we three boys rarely ebver lived together, nor with our mother and father. We were always farmed out to one relative or another, even not relatives , just people who would take spare kids and bed ‘em and feed ‘em(like some old tart in Birmingham Mrs Hill) And Mrs Milligann in Renfrew street in Glasgow, et effincetera. Oo cares? that was yesterday and a whole lot of them ago. At least you and Sara spent most of your youth together, din ya?
I expect I was a bit of a pain in the arse. Selling grog and all. No wonder I ended up having a stroke.
I’ll get a lottery ticket. We’ll win 30 million and I’ll come home! We’ll live in the best hotel in Londinium! The Dorset? The Ritz? The park bench? Whatever
Luv from yer old fella. XXCENSOREDXX. cHEERS G.A. POPS.XXXX

I wish I could just leave that unXXCENSOREDXX cause it is so hilarious.
FYI – s.s.s. = shit shower shave

And thanks to everyone to wrote to tell me that they like my new video ALL OF MY FOR ALL OF YOU. It is always nice to receive positive vibes. We have all witnessed some odd behaviour from others on this blog of late. But like Lady Sovereign sang [I know - quoting her! YGM! LOLZ - but also kind of fitting]:

“Love me or hate me I’m still an obsession,
Love me or hate me that is the question,
If you love me then THANK YOU
If you hate me then FUCK YOU”

The best thing about that video is one of the garbage men who throws “Sov” in the truck is Jeyjon who used to be in Dead or Alive. NO JOKES.

xx Lektrogirl

April 29, 2008

NO SECRETS

I was thinking about this on the walk home from the tube station today, rather than trying to take photos of yellow things in the rain.

As a point of note for all guys, it is almost 85% certain that your girlfriend knows your password. And she knows it in the same way she knows where you left your cheque book / keys / belt. It is deeply mystifying to males how females do this [specially as we are always losing stuff.]

However girls, if your boyfriend has any brains at all and is a bit techno savvy, he will be well aware of keystroke capture software he will be able to install on computers you use and learn all your secrets. It isn’t hard. Monsieur Raide was expert at stuff like this. And a German I knew.

I’m stuffed from dinner with my favourite Mr Pink at The Duke Of York on Doughty Mews. He really is so funny. Our most current joke involves a story about the look on his old dog’s face when it licked a wee in the street and Mr Pink prancing around calling out random disses like he was a Kingston dancehall queen. He also had some great stories tonight about riding in a rickshaw with Pete Burns round Soho back in the 80’s and Daryl Hall allegedly having a wooden leg. But I can’t go for that. No can do.

xx Lektrogirl

June 3, 2007

CALL BACK THE SEARCH PARTY

Hysterial was swiftly averted just moments ago… I searched the house high and low for my Agent Provocateur Crista bra in fushia/pink and I couldn’t find it anywhere. It isn’t like I don’t have a dozen A.P. bra’s already [or infact that I just bought another one practically identical today...] it is just I wanted to wear THAT ONE today. I couldn’t image where it could have gone to. Maybe ASBO D had snuck into my flat while I was at work and snuffled through my intimates drawers [apparently Prancehall dressed as a girl and went to an Ann Summers party. No Homo?] Anyway – so I found my bra, my attack of the vapours subsided and now I am back in a jolly mood wondering if I should have bought the Clementine bra today as well. ASBO D I’m a 34B. You get me?

I’m waiting for Brains to send me the pictures of Thugly’s birthday the other night [Thugly = ASBO D]. All I have is this:
After ASBO D's party.
Wow! Frickin hot and totally sexual but I know Brains took some beauties at the party.

I’m so obsessed with this song:

Do you think David + Victoria Beckham paid for Victoria’s video and wrote it off against their personal tax bill that year? Victoria’s dancing leaves a lot to be desire. The two girls at that Real Gold party the other night in the 80’s evening dresses who fell over in the ghetto tech battle cause they were so drunk and tried to cover up with some floor humping moves [even tho' one ho had lost her shoe and the otherone had clearly lost more than her balance] has A LOT more going on that that. Dane is a pretty decent dancer for a white British man.

Now let’s analyse this:

WHO THE FUCK was the Art Director on this video?! Where did they pluck the idea for this from? Camden Market? Poor Another Level. HOW EMBARRASSING. Hey – I’ve got a great idea for the next Roll Deep video – let’s make them all wear lederhosen, take them to Bavaria and make them eat pork sausages! But back to the Another Level video – compare it with the following video from Sisters of Mercy:

I just had another brain wave! Let’s get Andrew Eldritch and Doktor Avalanche dressed in Cassette Playa t-shirts and Evisu jeans… Ahhhh that is impossible anyway… Doktor Avalanche is a drum machine…

More later xx Lektrogirl

P.S. What is the bet ASBO D clicked the link to check out what the Clementine bra looked like?

April 30, 2007

The G.A. tells a joke

On the way into town today to change some money, I visited Dad. I got an urgent text from him saying “Get here immediately. I need some help on the computer.” What he really wanted was someone to help him unpack the deliveries for his tuck shop.

While I did that he was checking through all the stock on the invoice. He can do maths in his head quicker than anyone I know. We discussed business and he was asking me what exactly I did at my job and he was telling me what all the best sellers were at the tuck shop. It was just like old days when I used to go and help Dad out in the garage and shoot the shit.
Dad made a great joke:

Q: What is this?
A: A lesbian with a hard-on.

After schlepping all the boxes of Ginger Beer and Turkish Delight and giving Dad all the info he needed off the boxes for his pricings [TOTAL task master!!] I was a bit hungry so I decided to go to this local bakery for lunch called Jackman and Mc Ross.

I can’t think of a local bakery as good as this anywhere in London. All this was $12. Which is a bit less than 5 pounds.

xx Lektrogirl

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