Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

August 8, 2011

THE RIOTS

What makes you want to wreck your own environment, ruin your neighbours business, fuck up all the bins / phone boxes / buses that service your area, act like a stupid cunt etc?

I remember once when my exhusband and I were still doing Lektrolab and part of a project in association with the Christian Marklay exhibition at the… ?… Hayward? Barbican? something we were giving different types of workshops in different schools. We did a really cool one up in North London where kids were making artwork inspired by cassette tapes and hacked walkmen. We also did some in South London where we were told “If you can at least get the kids to engage in the session you have achieved something.” They were just dj workshops. I was totally ignored as the stupid dumb Australian uncool girl. Paul was revered for being American and having an authentic STL woolly and could juggle records. At one workshop, as soon as we opened the lids on the turntables, everything got stolen – needles, slip mats, headphones, everything they could. We just had to tell them that we were going to “Turn our backs so we can’t see anything, but when we turn around again, every has to be back in its place or we have to just cut the session and we were leaving.” It worked. It actually turned out to be a pretty cool session. Usually it did though I have to say. Except for the other one for this thing at the last school. Three of the kids left early and pitched a rock through the second story window of the studio we were in at about Paul’s/my head. Not so fun. But why would you do that?

The nice story out of all of this is the Turkish community on Kingsland Road coming out to protect their business and their neighbours businesses. Not sure I agree with baseball bats but then why are more people like that? Out to take care of the community.

One of “my girls” (a younger girl at work) was evacuated from her home this evening because she lived above a mobile phone shop on Bethnal Green Road. She was terrified. The shop was destroyed and robbed. So in times of shit I cook something. I made blueberry pancakes for breakfast. I hope that they will be okay when I heat them up at work tomorrow for everyone.

And I hope all those stupid rioting cunts accidentally lock themselves inside a giant room together with no windows and are left alone with their own thoughts and logic for a while, have to put up with each other, see what happens in their without their phone chargers. The rest of the world would like a break.

July 19, 2010

LONDON LONDON LONDON

The Brain are coming tomorrow and they are obviously excited if the video Pascal post on his FB profile is anything to go by.

I am excited too. Even though I could probably sleep for 24 hours straight no worries. [Except if my neighbours played Stan again. Although since my neighbourly letter, they haven't offended my aurally since during sleep hours.]

I got into trouble from my boss this morning for laughing too loud down the phone with one of our candidates who can be a real crack up.

April 19, 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #36

From: XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com
To: XXCENSOREDXX
Subject: Brain MEAT? pIOTTA!
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 2010 11:26:56 +1030

Brain meat? Farkin cannabul’?ible? bal? I think it should be cannible? but it’s a long time since I nibbled at a bit of human meat!
Strange yor mother liked lamb’s brains. Eating her own I used to tease her. At least you may be Australian but you can’t blame Tasmania on it?. The more you tell me of EUROPE, loNDON PARTICULARLY the more Iam convinced IV’e wasted a good 60 years of my life, except siring you’se two. At least you and feral? I hasten to add feral is not thresult of a dalliance of mine with Cat Woman. Couldn’t stand the furry tail swishing around the place.
Wish that bloody volcano would go awy. Might be months before they will allow flights out of Londinium?. I’LL BE IN ME 86TH YEAR.Ow old can you get/ Cheers little mate, and give feral a poke in the furry place from me. Luv wx yer Old pot an pan.XXXXDad
Keeps on telling me to se4nd again to overcomespammers. so you may get it 10 times or more,

September 6, 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #26

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 06 September 2009 04:48
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: the cardinal and i at the spatisserie at the dorchester

‘ere’s me, walked passed the Dorchester 4 million times in my earlier days, never put me foot inside the door. Never had the dosh, and me father would have kicked me arse for having thoughts above my station.
No wonder that Cardinal is a mate. Except for being slightly thinner faced she looks very much as you do. Long hair, brown?, good looking complexion, etc.etc. won’t continue. YOU will only accuse me of being a ‘dirty old man’
Anyhow, the tucker(can you call food of that standard ‘tucker’?) It looks fabulous. Seems a good place to move out of the daily tribulations of earing a living. You ought to take Hobart with you? Don’t be mean. slip him in yer carry bag/large purse and let him have a wander. Sorry HER. W.K.O.F. name is Hobart for a female?F.C.S.
Got an Email ex Sars today and she tells me there’s a parcell in the post, which I’ll prolly get to-morrow. She doesn’t know I know it’s seeds so I can plant things to remind me of you lot. I have planted cuttings of Roses, Iceberg and Bridal shower for your reminder. BIG Sharpish tasting radishes for me. Can’t tell wot I’m putting in for the kids and Sars till I get the package tomorrow.. The prickles on the roses will be for Pussie!.
Look after yorself Kiddo. Winter’s on it’s way. Keep away from any fukka who has a runny nose or is sneezing. Swine Flu is a bastard. Bad for yer health.Cheers from yer old Dad. Since The Cardinal makes you happy, say hullo to her from me.

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 06 September 2009 04:55
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: my cooking – macaroons

P.S. Your cooking you faggot? You nicked them from them from the Dorchester. You ought be doing Nigella Lawson’s job on T/Vif that’s really your cooking. Fark. They look delicious mate. Cheers again. Poppa.xxxx

April 4, 2009

A FAN OF THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #22

I haven’t post may new posts for the John Davidson Fan Club for a while but I have a few emails racking up. I was going to do it this evening actually before ‘Family Dinner’ – rabbit casserole, kale, cabbage and home made bagels. Instead, I am checking my email and this comment appears about a previous post of The John Davidson Fan Club if you want to refresh your memory about, you can read it here.

Paul G has left a new comment on your post “THE G.A. RECOMMENDS A RESTAURANT”:

Emma

I know I’m a year late but Schmidt’s popped up today because I am meeting someone for a drink at the Charlotte Street Hotel.

Schmidt’s was the first restaurant Iw as taken to as a kid. I remember it well because itw as so huge and two waiters – one Greek and the other Dutch – had a loud fight in the kitchen over a football match the previous night and my mother’s freshly prepared food was flung during the altercation.
Cut to a few years later and my first job at a phot library around the corner.
Freddie Schmidt funded it; he was the son of the owner and incredibly Austrian/English. Schmidts had just closed down and Freddie was looking fore anotegr business opportunity.
I remember it lay empty for a couple of years at least – this was 70s London which still had bomb damage from WW2 – and seemed like a relic from the Vienna Secession, not the punk rock West End.

There you go.

From an old timer.

PX

Wow. A whole lot better than hate mail from Prancehall.

xx Lektrogirl

A TALE OF TWO CITIES


View Larger Map

My neighbourhood now


View Larger Map

My neighbourhood then

xx Lektrogirl

January 17, 2009

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

One of the things I did appreciate when I was in America was the highest level of customer service. Nothing was ever too much for the store assistance and they were never OTT. Unlike the Australian guy in Wild Honey the other day when I had lunch [sliced veal and green sauce, oxtail ossobuco ravioli and vacharin all washed down with a prosecco, clementine and Campari cocktail FYI.] He started to talk to me in posh Double Bay speak “What have WE got planned for the weekend? Are WE doing anything nice?” Urgh drove me insane. He ended up telling me about how he had been “Washing his smalls” on Tuesday…

So back to the customer service. This week I got some new glasses. Well I got two pairs cause I couldn’t decide. I went to this place called Spex In The City on Shorts Gardens in Covent Garden kind of on a whim – but also cause they had a fireplace in there which looked nice. I want to tell the whole world that not only am I so happy that I DO NOT look like I went to Specsavers any more, but I received some of the best customer service I have had in London for a long long time.

Gillian Caplan [FBDO] is the optician at Spex In The City. Horrible website, brilliant independent optician with loads of choice and stuff you don’t see everywhere else. I went in and said that I like wearing glasses and I don’t mind looking like a nerd and that I like things that are quite severe and cartoon character like. Then for as long as I wanted, Gillian was making me try on everything in the shop having a good laugh at all the stuff she thought would fit the description, and of course would be the right shape for my eyes and the prescription. I now know what exactly what my prescription means and all the measurements that go into it.

This is the first pair I got – a Japanese brand called Yellow Plus. I like them cause they look like German lesbian glasses from the 70’s and they look vintage but they weren’t perched on the nose of some woman with a moustache when she carked it [Dead people's clothes yes, but not on my face.] They will look great with satiny evening dresses, fancy hair-dos and pretty things.

These are French and made by Bruno Chaussignand. The Cardinal said they made me look like Nana Mouskouri. Personally, I don’t think that is a bad thing. But I think the first pair I chose were more Nana. This glasses are for when I want to pretend I am a Swiss New Media artist or Danish furniture designer and are for wearing with denim and desert boots.

Anyway – whatever ridiculous stories I concoct in my head to get myself dressed in the morning and justify my face – it cannot be argued that Spex In The City is one of the best independent boutiques in London and the best optician I ever went to. I also told Gillian I would recommend her store and service to everyone I know.

If you do ever drop by, tell her hi from me – but I suspect it won’t be long before I am back getting my sunglasses all changed to prescription lenses cause I know the frames will be in good hands.

xx Lektrogirl

January 12, 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #21

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 10 January 2009 00:25
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: g’day, and g’day to you an’all. 1/4 to 11a.m. here, guess y’r in the scratch escaping from the cold and farkin snow?

That was a long and interesring e’mail, shagger. I like to read about your pursuits that haunt you dailySpecially about your mates who fall out about’usually’ fuck all. Talking about cold, you’ld get a shock if you were home here, the Summer, HAS PASSED tASMANIA BY. The best we have had so far is 16 degrees C’ Cold winds and rain, snow on the mountain, etc,etc.
Program on S.B.S. last night Secrets of the orgasm. So they built a see-thru plastic insert spectrum so you could look deep into her vagina. Supposedly looking for the ‘G’ spot. whatever the fark that is? Any way it did nothing for an aged 83 yr old, who’ld rather have a bowl of hot soup anyway.
Ain’t that typical of public utilities, like they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell you over the blower how to change the farkin batteries. Oh no. you got to have a night school ticket and an electrician’s certificate to change a battery. mate
Shower of faecal nobbies.
Sara and the family seemed to have had a fulsome festive season. G.F.luck to them. At least they didn’t have to engage in solitary thoughts and on your own-ness. Though I think I might be glad if I tell myself the truth, because IO do find XXCENSOREDXX a bit hard to take. Thick as bricks. XXCENSOREDXX read a booki in(fiction that is)in his life gets on my tits. Specially if he beats me at chess. Young sAM AT6 YEARS PLAYS BETTER CHESS THAN i DID WHEN i WAS 10.Fuck the caps lock! He’ could be a little champion the way he’s going. learning to play.I f you hear a violent squeal over the oceans. you’ll know the little fart has beaten his Grandpa? Makes you wonder, what is the worth of 70 odd years of experience when some bright spark comes up and digs a hole of defeat for you?
How’s the Deutch going? Or has Le Langue Francois takenover? Hoe about a bit of low class Russian? “Yopt via match, ti chouyou garbati! You stuff yer mother yer hump backed prick!
SEE YA LATER MATE. i’LL SEND A SHORT TEXT TO TELL YOUTHE EMAIL IS IN YOUR COMP. i WAS GOING TO SAY BOX, BUT IT SEEMED IAPPROPRIATE!” those bloody caps lock agen. Sorry. I think the comp does it to annoy. Like the Red Duchess in Alice . The baby she was chucking pepper on ‘only cried to annoy!
All the best kiddo. Don’t know what we’ld talk about if you were here. Couldn’t be worse than what I write on the comp?
Luv ex yer pa. XXXXX

July 7, 2008

SO HML! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT

2008!!! F.B.I. [that's French LOLspeak for 'fausse bonne idée']

Apart from all the stuff do do with work I have dealt with this year, financial woes, being ill, getting mugged etc [sorry to whinge] TODAY I got stuck in the rain, forgot my PIN for my only bank account with any money in it, nearly got run over by some ‘youth’ on his bicycle burning round the corner on the pavement and AM GRAPPLING WITH MY OLD PHONE WITH THE STUPID KEYPAD FOR THE LETTERS. All the while trying not to send out too many hate vibes to the universe.

On the plus side, Max rang me today and started to sing this:

Which is super funny cause it is the kind of thing my sister would do [only she would sing 'You Give Love A Bad Name' or 'Living On A Prayer' more likely]

Oh the Little Witch just rang me and I can’t remember all the anti complaining I was going to do but I had a good laugh about The Twin, A Dog’s Life and getting your period etc. SGT [serious girl's talk].

Aussi j’ai parlé avec le Parisian Jew et i told him my latest stories which he declared ‘Hyper Mignon’ et non il n’est pas un PD. En fait he was on his way out to buy sexy presents for his girlf.

In other super exciting news: This Wednesday night it is the launch of the Antony Price “PRICELESS” line for TOPMAN with a party at TRAMP! I have seen the upcoming collection in mock ups of the look book as Max has been working with ‘Mrs’ Price very closely putting the project together. I think the collection looks great. Sadly I won’t have my camera :((( but I think Madame, Mrs Kipling, Caz [fellow Aussie Babe] will all be there and have their snappers out so I will be raiding their photo’s like crazy for the blog. Anyway I have to totally rework the look I was going to be wearing now my Jas MB clutch has gone. I’d been thinking about it for days… Shit… What is a girl to do?

You know I will tell you something good – I loved walking back from the High Street today where I got rained on to see all the giant puddles and massive floods cause all the drains are blocked around here by leaves, twigs, petals, bits from people pruning their hedges and maybe a bit of dog crap in a plastic bag and the occasional Mc Donald’s sauce lid container. It seems so civilised. Rather than in East London where I know that the drains are all blocked by chicken bones, knives, odd sneakers, eviction notices, more chicken bones and somewhere my forlorn belongings never to be seen again. A parochial mentality I know, but my mentality none the less.

xx Lektrogirl

June 20, 2008

RUM AND COCAL COLA

Mixed with beer. Who knew what a great hang over that would make? It definitely was a potion that removed all pain from my neck and shoulder allowing me to vibe along to R Kelly [My mind's telling me no.....] until this morning when I’m a crippled WRECK.

Here I am a 100% Babe Hair Babe so totally in love with myself I can’t even look at Paul Pieroni. We had been to this exhibition at his gallery, seventeen, earlier.

Where the Cardinal and I had made this. It was great. Other visitors to the gallery saw it and were adding bottles like they were supposed to. I supposed no-one saw the value in the art there and it has been swept away. But whatever.

We bumped into Jenny Jenny in the street who was more than happy to pose with Lady. The Cardinal bought Lady from Nathaniel’s new shop on Hackney Road full of the most amazing stuff.

See! Amazing! Jewellery, Clothes, Buttons, Music manuscripts, calligraphy practice, Gypsy Recipe Cook Books… all sorts…

And last night was the first night I met Phil. I mean WHAT A TOTAL BABE. [Not The Cardinal... I mean Chipstix Phil] His pictures on Facebook to date have not done him justice. He really is a handsome man! And so funny!!!


“Rambo” in a lonely pub

Giving birth is a Playa’s Game.

Anyway – last night was major jokes and my body hurts too much to detail everything.

Paul Peroni definitely not fooling anyone.

We are SOOOO sad that Single White Female [DIAF] hates us.

I’m feeling so rough now and want to lie, cry and die right now I have to go. I will leave you with this beautiful Andrew Sisters song to reflect upon.

Thank you Captain Morgan.

xx Lektrogirl

May 1, 2008

DISGUSTING

Anyway then on my way home on lovely man on the tube gave me his copy of the Sunday Times. There was an article in it about the workers in London’s Chinatown working for £5 a day – and everything else they got in tips was their good fortune – after having paid for their own uniforms and travel each day – what’s left? Theya re also not allowed breaks etc etc. If you want to read the whole article, it is here. How bullshit is that?! I don’t think I will be able to stomach eating in Chinatown again. I’m not a real political person, but I don’t want to support people being employed under these conditions, illegal immigrants or not.

It has answered one of those questions for me like the ones about cheap clothes from places like H&M / Primark / Topshop / Uniqlo etc. If clothes are so cheap, who is actually paying the price? It seems the same way in Chinatown. Just think about the poor person in the kitchen who hasn’t sat down all day, no healthcare, no holiday, no sick pay, working hours exceeding the legal minimum, no statutory rights… nothing… and bon appetite!

xx Lektrogirl

April 29, 2008

NO SECRETS

I was thinking about this on the walk home from the tube station today, rather than trying to take photos of yellow things in the rain.

As a point of note for all guys, it is almost 85% certain that your girlfriend knows your password. And she knows it in the same way she knows where you left your cheque book / keys / belt. It is deeply mystifying to males how females do this [specially as we are always losing stuff.]

However girls, if your boyfriend has any brains at all and is a bit techno savvy, he will be well aware of keystroke capture software he will be able to install on computers you use and learn all your secrets. It isn’t hard. Monsieur Raide was expert at stuff like this. And a German I knew.

I’m stuffed from dinner with my favourite Mr Pink at The Duke Of York on Doughty Mews. He really is so funny. Our most current joke involves a story about the look on his old dog’s face when it licked a wee in the street and Mr Pink prancing around calling out random disses like he was a Kingston dancehall queen. He also had some great stories tonight about riding in a rickshaw with Pete Burns round Soho back in the 80’s and Daryl Hall allegedly having a wooden leg. But I can’t go for that. No can do.

xx Lektrogirl

April 16, 2008

HEAR HEAR

I lifted this from Bok Bok’s Flickr where he is keen to point out:

nb:
1 – I did NOT say we’re aiming at a trendy shoreditch audience. Slugs is a SOUTHSIDE ting.
2 – I said that bit about FWD off the record, can’t believe they quoted me on it

I’m really looking forward to Night Slugs 2 even though I do feel like a paedo standing at the edge of a school playground. And I never saw so many checked shirts in one room.

xx Lektrogirl

April 15, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #2

Oh and I got this in my inbox today from The G.A.:

wHY DID i END SLEEPING ING THE LITTLE PARK(dUKE OF bEDFORD’S LOT? CAN’TREMEMBER for sure. 1, it was the closes free space to home and had a coupla big trees to pee against in case of emergencies, and the old man had a bad attack of S. ON THE LIVER and he said he could smell alcohol on my breath, the sharp nosed prat, I’LD BEEN PLAYING SNOOKER UP IN THE nAG’S hEAD hOLLOWAY with some mates from nght school and had drunk one pint of rough cider. Do you find the Caps lock a pain in the cock, whereever? I inevitably forget the rotten things on. As YOU HAVE NOTICED.

What sensible question was I going to ask you? Yeah. XXCENSOREDXX? did you get over the minor problem of being crook. Did the XXCENSOREDXX girlfriend keep her snot-faced visage out of your probs? Hope your happier now.

I think you and I must E.S.P relative to not feeling too good. Ever since that bloody fall when I cracked my scone I felt like shit. Even right now, stretch a meter of green snot and admire it gleaming in the sunlight. Stretch it and snap. the loose end flips back and gets you in the eye. Fark!

What was the other question you askrd me? Ah yeah. the black pipe! that was on the Victorian built nurses home added to the Gloucester Royal Hospital. Led up to the top dormers just under the roof guttering, Dorothy(1st wife) used to sleep therein. after a few beers the only way to a quick snog was to climbthe friggin pipe,all six stories of it! Not long out of the Scots Guards your old fella 20 I think , was one fit twat. But that wasyesterday, 81 years of the blinders. And I loved them. Except me old man. I can rememember my mother muttering to her self at his regal funeral”I’ m glad he’s gone. Bit rough but ththe bugger used to wack her stupid. XXCENSOREDXX? Must go shagger. Though me lunch is a couple of Saos and a cuppa Orange PekoeCheers Buddy. Miss yer. ALL THE EFFIN TIME, Yer pa.xxxx

Not wanting to sound too much like a perverse version of the Pussy Cat Dolls, don’t cha wish your Dad was cool like mine?

Obviously now it is going to need to be discovered – where was this pool hall – as this is now in my neighbourhood. Also night school? Doing what? And I need to get him to tell the story of the Scots Guards.

LUNCH TIME. I going to go to Archgate and have a kofta wrap I think with garlic sauce and salad and chips. They are the my favourite cafe / restaurant in North London. They are directly over the road from the Archway tube station and I have now been going there for years.

xx Lektrogirl

MONDAY 15TH APRIL REPORT

Have I told you all recently how much I love Teki Latex? I love him!

Today I walked in the rain all on my own through London feeling sad cause a part of my died today and it was horrible and I cried and I felt terrible. But SO relieved that all the problems I got are my own and not the weirdness of someone else. Anyway the destination of my walk was 55 Doughty Street – the old house of The G.A.

I also took a few pics of surrounding pubs that he had described to Mutts. The wind was icy and my feet got really cold. When the hell is the warmer weather coming?!

We all know I regularly dream about someone who wishes I wouldn’t. Last night he was in love with my sister who for some reason looked like Jessica Simpson in daisy dukes and showing a lot of butt. I don’t know how successful he would have been with her cause he was wearing a gauze nappy full of shit and rubbing himself against my leg getting a stiffy. So weird.

Time is really passing.

On a lighter note, I was walking up Tottenham Court Road with a certain friend who was going to pull something out of the oven for me and we followed for a while this trio of finely dressed chaps – what a bunch of faggasaurs!

The one on the left had the peachest butt I had ever seen – and his jeans seemed tailored to give him a girls bum. In fact what jeans were they? My friend declared they had to be Dolce and Gabbana cause ‘a queen like that would go straight for the Dolce and Gabbana’ [mainline obvs] but I was so confused – the label looked like those little metal plates on the Marc Jacobs bags… Can someone please fill me in on that?

The guy in the middle was like the third wheel on the bicycle. His clothes were like the look of the other two but recreated with ill fitting finds from H&M. Only he had a really nice bag.

Finally, the guy on the right had us in hysterics – what is with this heavy chambray style mix jacket with the shoulder shits with black leather gloves and dark jeans. He looked like a psycho. And the jeans… hang on a minute… “those jeans are from Celine and they don’t make a men’s line!” I guess he had problems walking in them cause he was as stiff as a rod all the way up the road, even when the guy from the far left came over and put his arm through his, not an inch of warm, not a leaning in, a bend of the arm, even recognition this guy existed. Maybe he was just so dead set to get to the 134 bus stop all the way home?!

Anyway – dark day – and check this out:

I cried today, walked through the wind and rain and was cold, waited half an hour for a bus that wouldn’t let me on cause the machine ate my money, had to get a tube, waited in line to top up my oyster card and had no change cause I’d lost it in the bus ticket machine, realised the tube machine didn’t take notes and had to go and queue up again at the window and talk to a man. AND DESPITE ALL ODDS – STILL A BABE – STILL GOT THAT PHOTOFACE TM – STILL GOT THAT VIBE – STILL GOT THAT BABE HAIR – REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!!

xx Lektrogirl

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