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August 7, 2011


I have a rapid cycling bi polar mood affective disorder and have been diagnosed as having “something wrong” with me since I was 20.

Being “better” [than I was] is better than how I was but it is starting to dawn on me, I will never be better.

Even when I am happy, I often think of suicide. I am not suicidal but imagine thinking both things in the same thought? It doesn’t seem right. I guess that is the rapid cycling part. Other people experience the lows and highs over long periods of time. I can get everything in one day. I can be laughing and burst out crying.

Amitriptyline, Venlafaxine, Paroxetine, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Citalopram, Carbamazepine, Sodium valproate, Lithium and something starting with a Z for muscle spasms and that made me pace. A stop off in the Lambeth, twice in the Royal Free and a long stint in the Felix Brown [RIP] day hospital with the leaking roof and Arthur the funny guy. Time “homeless” living in the West Hampstead Womens Shelter and many hours in offices of the Camden Council trying to sort out my living arrangements. 4 years personal therapy at the Tavistock Center [the first year I refused to say much other than I dont want to come here], another year couples therapy because I had been there for four years before and then another few months again on my own after that. Thanks for all your combined efforts. The best thing that happened was that Pippa and Max gave me some regular part time work and a job to. When you feel your worst something to do and laugh is the best medicine.

And then, after all that my sister calls me she has a sister she doesnt really give a stuff about… sorry mate… I was kind of busy for a few years… I have lost in Waitrose before trying to buy washing powder with Cards because I couldnt decide for example just to put something into perspective for her…

Anyway I don’t know why today I write this. For those concerned I am actually going to go and have a jolly baking session in the kitchen [nothing like a job and a laugh!] with the new Miette cookbook. But it has been on my mind lately and I guess I just had to tell somebody in a way that didnt leave a heavy cloud in the room.

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