Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

August 15, 2009

AM I NORMAL

I got up with a hang over and at some hummous and crackers with my little cobber Hobart on the sofa. Then I did some dished. While I was washing with my marigolds on, I was day dreaming about getting a really terrible disease and having to stay in hospital for a long time and wondering if my friends would be allowed to bring Hobart in to sleep on the bed with me. My mind wandered further and I imagined tell my friends how ill I was and how I would have to live on the ward for a long time and my friends were rallying around offering to take care of Hobart and who would watch the flat etc etc. I considered letting my ex live in the flat on the one condition he didn’t root anyone in my bed – but on that point he can’t be trusted. [He apparently returned an earring to a lady friend that she had left at his apartment ONLY IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE'S EARRING. WHAT A DOUCHE.] Anyway so back to me being critically ill in hospital. Finally I agreed with myself that it would be best if Mrs Kipling and The Cardinal took it in turns to take care of Hobart as I know I could trust them both. I ended up thinking about my Granny Barbara who ended up hanging herself in the New Norfolk hospital in Tasmania with a shower curtain and the big pool tables they had in the recreation room there we had to hang out in when Mum and Dad when to visit her before she died.

Then I caught myself – WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT – and remembered my dream. In it I was bestie friends with the ex girlfriend of The Rubber Band Man!!! How this happened I don’t know. We were chatting away in French. In my dream her face was very soft and friendly. I don’t think this will ever happen though. She called me a whore once for sleeping with her ex. Such is life.

Speaking of life, The Frenchman left a bag of figs on my doorstep the other night.

xx Lektrogirl

August 1, 2008

DRESSED LIKE A MORMON

Oh Allah. Today was pretty lacklustre. Dinner was pretty dramatic and ended up giving me a stomach ache. I try and be still like a mountain and last for an eternity but the rain is wearing me down. Then my close friend and confidant Alex said I dress like a mormon. Then apparently I am too tall. I got better though when we got out his iPhone and started looking at knickers on the Internet. And then we saw Nadia dressed like a whore on Kingsland Road looking fucking AMAZING. I wanted to stay out longer but I really felt sick to my stomach – so I decided to come home. And what happens when I check my inbox? The second email of the day from my friend from Hamburg Christian Weiß telling me all about his triathlon competitions with pictures [makes me feel guilty cause I never do any exercise], his travelling [makes me feel sad cause I haven't been anywhere since Christmas and I love to travel]. Anyway it’s good cause I love pen pals.

Actually me and Alex made some good joke, had a dance and drink and did a fake kiss for Jonjo so it wasn’t so bad. It was Max’s birthday.

Oh Jah. I’m just writing bullshit now.

I better go to bed.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. Just to say I feel like I have committed a great sin by writing ‘Oh Allah’ instead of ‘Oh God’ and worry that I will be struck by lightening or stoned by men in the street tomorrow. Perhaps I should call and ask Manara for advice tomorrow and ask her if wearing a scarf to cover my hair will help? Tonight Alex said I dress like a mormon. Shit. I said that already. I’m not drunk I swear.

OMG!!!
XXCENSOREDXX, XXCENSOREDXX’s sister apparently got drunk and fucked XXCENSOREDXX!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE [who apparently licked some girl's arse hole in the toilets of a club until she came and I swear to you she so didn't...] I tell you – when I heard, my jaw dropped. I was reeling. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Shock of a lifetime. My days.

June 23, 2008

HEY MATHIEU

Dear Mathieu

I is past two in the morning and I can’t sleep. Mostly because I am thinking of a way to come to Paris – I need someone to tell all my secrets too. For the most part, my blog is wonderful but there are always other things I want to write about as well. That is why I like to talk with you. I know you are a bad father but Bunny will always climb on the knee of Europe’s greatest Parisian Jew and whisper in your ear. God… I feel like I’m going a bit stir crazy tonight. What do you suggest?

I spent the day in bed watching Almodovar DVD’s. Today it was Kika. There was a scene where a rapist who has escaped from prison breaks into the house of his sisters employers, fake ties up his sister and goes into the bedroom to find his sister’s boss sleeping. He sticks pieces of a clementine into the pussy of the woman to taste her on the fruit. For some reason it made me think of XXCENSOREDXX and want to be lying in XXCENSOREDXX parents bed under the nude portrait they have of themselves looking out the window at the sun on the wall.

I also got an apology from XXCENSOREDXX, but XXCENSOREDXX can keep his two fingered half hearted tap on the shoulder to himself while he pretends to be all goody goody. The sad thing is, there is nothing going on and I miss his big jokes like crazy. It is so stupid. He just has an insecure girl riding his nuts.

Then there is XXCENSOREDXX. XXCENSOREDXX is my secret. And XXCENSOREDXX is who I think of the most and would be the first thing I would tell you all about. And the second. And the third.

Do you remember when we ate Burger King? I just remembered walking down Holloway Road.

D’accord. Moi je suis fatigue – ENFIN. Je vais au pieu. I hope I don’t have to see that ugly boude boudin any time soon. Save a seat for me at that nice restaurant we went to last time. I will meet you there as soon as I can.

xx Emma

June 15, 2008

NON-FUNNY HYSTERICS

IT HAS ALL BEEN TOO MUCH! My mother even had a go at me about something.

May 27, 2008

TODAY SUCKED

For no particular reason, today sucked cause I had loads of errands and stuff to catch up on by have spent the day in a come down from the weekend. I feel like I’ve been wandering around in a daze all day. On the plus side, there are only a few days left to the weekend! Hopefully by then I will have cleaned the trailed by various house guests which started last week and my iTunes will like me again: I put on the shuffle play and the songs that played were all hating on my personal body energy and made me feel even weirder.

Nothing new to add to the coverage of the R Kelly court case of any consequence. However I just wanted to let you all know that it was not a case of mistaken identity on March 22nd when the Police arrested a woman who screamed “Free R. Kelly” at jurors in the R&B singer’s child pornography trial as they stepped off an elevator near the courtroom.

Police immediately grabbed the woman who was later confirmed as Debra Triplet and led her away in handcuffs. The judge in the case later ordered the mother of three held on contempt charges in lieu of $50,000 bond.

I definitely wasn’t me – I was at the George and Dragon listening to Pippa DJ as I reported earlier last week.

Caz will vouch for me.

Anyway – I have to go now cause I’ve still got some chores.

xx Lektrogirl

August 19, 2007

SUNDAY NOT FUN DAY

HOT CHOCOLATE: Emma

Spoke with Mum this morning and was telling her the latest with Nameless: All about this girl who he has been hanging out with. Apparently he told her “Emma thinks you hate her.” Do you HATE it when people do that? Particularly as Nameless is prone to do – get the whole thing arse about face – seeing as I actually hate this girl myself as Nameless has been telling me all about how he thinks that this girl might be flirting with him, and he isn’t actually particularly interested in ACTUALLY her, but to have sex with someone would be nice. I totally freaked out, completely heartbroken and cried for two days. My poor mother listened to the who boring story and then said “Emma, Nameless is a loser. I don’t know why you don’t just shut the door in his face and let him ruin his own life, instead of yours.” Having said that I know that Mutts actually likes Nameless too. But she does think he is a loser. Hahaha. I told her that she is right, but I don’t have anyone else to fix my wireless network when it’s down so to cut him out totally would be a mistake. She said “I see your point.”

In more jolly news, I went out with Brains, Philippa and James last night to Bar Du Marche for dinner. I had worked for Max in the office doing his personal accounts which was fun – we had lunch at the New Piccadilly and cunted a few people out while we worked. Then after finishing early, I went and hooked up with Philippa and James, had a glass of the WAG’s curse Rosé and we waited for Brains who had been hanging out with DJ Magic. Brains said Hi and gave a massive grin. His teeth were FULL of black shit – he had been talking all afternoon with Jerk Chicken between his teeth to DJ Magic. All night Brains was telling me “I’ve got Jammer’s number – why don’t you ring him?”

I can’t decide from dinner which picture is funnier. They both crack me up equally:

Dinner was really nice and plenty of jokes all round. I even told the story of getting hit by a car.

SISTERS OF MERCY: Emma

So what’s with all the Emma videos? At work, Roxy plays Roxanne a lot and we sing it to her [with our own lyrics] but we also have all being trying to think up songs for all the other names of the girls in our office. We need a Jo, Jess, Cissi, Kellie, Alice, Katharine and Emma is definitely covered thanks.

And on my final note right now – Nameless, please don’t make me have to roll up to the Old Blue Last one night in a blonde wig and glitter shoes to sing this at someone:

xx Lektrogirl

August 4, 2007

DANIEL WHERE ARE YOU et al.


Here I was in the Shopgirl Damart office about 8 years ago. Just FYI, they are Earl Jean skinny 29 inch waist jeans. I would have toruble getting an arm in the leg now.

In this picture, I am wearing a jumper that is called Frenchy. That jumper features in a song on the album I wrote released on Rephlex as Lektrogirl. It also used to belong to my old boyfriend Daniel.

Daniel de Jong and I were together when I was living in Tasmania in 1997-98 and I regret to this day ever breaking up with him. I still have the plaster chess pieces his Uncle carved as practise scrimshaw. I regularly Google Daniel to find out what he is up to. All I have been able to confirm is that the rumours about him hand making guitars is true. Daniel – if you ever read this, I was vile and I’m sorry. Walking around the Cornelian Bay Hockey fields with you was some of the best times I had. And there are still some of your records I wish I knew the sames of…

I broke up with Daniel after sleeping with a guy called “Slack Nuts”. When he lay face up on the bed with his legs apart his nut sack was actually resting on the mattress. He said part way through like “I want to be your protector.” Suffice to say it was a one night thing.

Then I went out with this guy:

Monsieur Dimanche. Going out with him was a massive mistake BUT his is a hilarious person and I had a lot of fun with him. Good times. He just wasn’t a good choice of boyf for me. I hear he is very happy in America now dating some girl he calls The Midget. Oh Antoine is a great dancer! So funny!! We were always make trouble together.

Then this is the guy I married:

Which I still don’t know if it was a good or bad thing.

Today I’m spending my Saturdy afternoon doing book kepping in the Katharine Hamnett studio. On the way here though I stopped off at the second hand shop. I’m not going to tell you which one cause that would be giving away some vital information top secret but to every girl in this office. I mean – already a lot of people know it, but why invite more. I didn’t need to go there cause Katharine gave me the jacket I was eyeballing all week that she bought back from Dalston cause I loved it so much. Katharine is the sweetest most generous person sometimes. And JoJo bought back the most BEAUTIFUL brooch on earth for me. But it might have been cause I made an old man happy. Private Joke. Anyway I bought 5 dresses at the 2hand shop – one of which is an Austrian dirndl. My tits look massive. Well I guess I won’t get a German boyfriend wearing one…

I gotta get back to work

xx Lektrogirl

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