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May 12, 2008

JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #4

So I haven’t heard much from The G.A. of late – but it seems it was my turn to get in touch with him anyway.

—-

Bored to tears. Sick to death of aged wittering twats of ‘THE DUMPED ELDERS OF THE COMMUNITY’ God help us we don’t contribute much to current events. Penty of hot air, but what else to do?
Ofcourse one can wait patiently for a word from an errant daughter. Word to know she has eaten enogh to subsist, that she has a quid to pay for necessities and that some bastard hasn’t done the wrong thing by her—apart from your best friend the Tin Tank, of course!
I think of him as the Crunt from Chigago. Still, as you have told me a million times, what goes around comes around. And even you must admit poor old Dutchy DeJong suffered a bit? pOOR DULL BASTARD. Still I would be lost without his Grand Daddy’s big arm chair in which I plant my bum most days for a bit of private reading time. And I hide things under the cushion from prying eyes.
Lunch is up, kid. Luv yer to bits. Hope things are bearing up and all? Love DadXXXX

—-

I wish The G.A. didn’t say that about the Dutch Boy because I still think of him and wonder where he is and what he is doing and if he will ever talk to me again. Dad is right – I wasn’t the greatest. I’m sure he wouldn’t even want to hear me say sorry. But some of my happiest memories are with this guy. And some of my biggest regrets. I didn’t think he was dull. As for the ‘Crunt from Chicago’ next time I hear from Dad he will have a go at me about something mean I did to him as well. So fickle! So I take that with a pinch of salt. As the crunt should too.

xx Lektrogirl

April 1, 2008

A NOTE FROM HOME

My Dad occaisionally gets it together to send me an email when he can. Here is the latest:

Howdy. Fuck knuckle haven’t heard from you 4 yonks. Wot r u on? can’t be speed ya friggin lurcher. Mind you wouldn’t be surprised wot you’ld have a puff at?
How’s the painting. Finished? Dick of a job unless you really like playing with a bit of btush?
Been to Deutchland recently? Got a new resident who is P lish but yaks away in German quite a bit. Keeps me on me toes
Sara brought the kids down for a couplea days, Goodness me they have grown. and get smarter every time you see them.
Took a tumble in the bathroom the other day. Jesus your head bleeds. no stitches. just a pressure job and plastic pull togethers. Fme that hurt, the wheel chair tipped backards when I overcalanced into it’BANG knocked meself like a light’ not sure how long out, but long enough for a puddle of blood about a meter across to drip into the drain. Fark! Hurt the muscles in the back of me neck moostly. Silly twat,(me!)

I hope everything is well with you, mate? I wish I could take you to some of my old hasunts in Londinium. Maybe not if the population are still alive they’ve got to be a bit oldish–eighty-ish or more. Fark.
See you. YER DAD WHO LOVES YA. cHEERS.

xx Lektrogirl

March 6, 2008

I’VE LOST MY FAMILY

Not wanting to sound too grim about it, but Mutts and I were discussing the things I wanted from the house when both of my parents ‘go to the other side’. I can’t really remember what I said now other than some old crockery – in particular the jug with the handles stapled back together in the wartime days when there was no glue. I was going to make a really awful joke then about prisoners of war then but thought better of it. After getting banned from Venom’s blog for real [tho' he tried to reinstate me and said he couldn't work out how... a likely story...] I’m trying to be good – honest Gov’. Anyway so – when the G.A. moved into the old man’s home, most of the chutch went up to the Auction Mart to pay for the credit card bills Mutts discovered so it is kind of slim pickings but there is still some good stuff there – like the matching jug to my polka dot teapot.

GOD! WTF am I on about…

So, I went looking tonight to find pictures I had taken of my family in college years. I have loads of old prints that I developed myself in the top of the linen closet [no I don't have a boiler in there in case you were shitting yourself about the paper] but I knew I had rescanned them at some point. Ergh – I couldn’t find them anywhere in my GIGABYTES of random online storage space, but I did find these online. They are pictures of my distant relatives on my Mutt’s side from a really cool old family album that I have dibsy bags on before my sister I hope.


This guy always reminds me of Squarepusher. Do you see it?


The one on the right looks like a man in drag.


What is up with those devil’s knot tie side buns on that lady?


SPANIEL HAIR-DO


I have always felt a resonance with Misery Guts here with the dog.


Dude on the left looks stuffed.

If you can make out what some of the scratchy spider writing says it is quite funny. It is a shame I resized the scans cause the book is much larger in real life. Oh well I’m always a fucking idiot somewhere along the way. And if I’ve actually got ahead in life for a few days some asshole always comes along to put me right back in my place.

You know who you are.

xx Lektrogirl

February 5, 2008

BOYZ II MEN LOL

And oh yeah – I heard Lady Sov was big in America. Her fans must be awesome.

And finally and unusual hit. This is a video I made ages ago of a Tasmanian Devil at Bonarong park. It has had 61,500 viewers. The track is AC/DC TNT, but I didn’t bother to put that anywhere.

xx Lektrogirl

January 27, 2008

CALL THE RSPCA

Sorry pets, I have been neglecting you for a number of days I know. Please call the RSPCA if you feel the neglect has been too much. :(

Yesterday was Australia Day!

I sent a text around to my friends to excite them into – I don’t know – something. Covvo replied saying “Oh I forgot it was Australia day”. The Witch said “I’m having a Milo right now!!” And the typical British Gent, Alex T responded with a picture text of a ‘gang’ of – who I can only assume to be – Australians [they looked equally British!] outside a pub, drinking. He attached the message “This is why I will not be celebrating Australia day today.” At least he wasn’t saying I turned him of Australians.

Let’s celebrate some great Australians!

Phar Lap!

Errol Flynn

Just for the record, he is also Tasmania.

Acca Dacca

Check out Angus’ license to sell hot dogs. [He's fly is low in a live show.]

Dame Edna Everage AND Jason Donovan

xx Lektrogirl

January 3, 2008

WE ATE IT

Today I started a Flickr Group called WE ATE IT which you can see here flickr.com/groups/weateit. Given the nature of the shit that has happened on my blog recently it is sadly not an open group and you can join by invitation only. But if you want to join, let me know and I’ll invite you no worries.

Basically, my new group is to feed something other than my appetite – it’s my obsession with plate photography. I’m not the only one that does this. Some people I’ve inspired and others already had the piglet in them!

Look at this beautiful cake from Bok Bok


And this from Rat Boy David Robertson. I have to say that this looks fucking disgusting. I can see he has had a drink of his coke and hasn’t touched anything else yet…


Here are a couple of personal favourites from my collection – which dominates the group at the moment but I’ve invited plenty and I hope they all find time to upload their foodaholic photos.

I went into the West End this arvo and saw Cardinal and we had a looooong afternoon tea at the Heals Meals cafe. The service was absolutely appauling and Philippa was right when she said that they should have made it more like Alice in Wonderland in there. Unfortunately, it was the second time I had been there and the service really was rubbish then too. But the cakes we had tonight were pretty good. I gave Philippa a bottle of Apple Liqueur from the Lark Distillery in Tasmania for Souvenir / Late Birthday present and a Tasmanian Devil oven mit. She liked them both and I was very pleased. The day I visited the Lark Distillery it was really fun. Mum nearly fell down a stair there which was pretty funny and it was 10.30am and the girl serving us was really helpful and wrote out loads of recipies for me to give to Philippa. Then the girl gave me a shot of Bush Liqueur which I really wasn’t sure about cause I hadn’t eaten any breakfast yet – but I have to tell you that this stuff was pretty amazing on an empty stomach. In fact it felt great! Check out the distillery here.

Then I saw Abbie and Lee who were talking about moving to Germany because one of them may have a job there. I felt much happier coming home today than I did when I set out. But fuck me it’s freezing.

For the rest of the evening I am going to spend researching tiles and water pressure guauges to see how many bars my water pressure is to get the right shower fitting for my house. I am really nervous about starting work on Monday – there is a lot going on and my job role changed a bit before I left for my holiday last year.

And I worked out my New Years Resolution [Abbie's is to be Pescetarian to cut down on Global Warming] – I am going to make my house nice while there is no-one here to mess it up but me!

xx Lektrogirl

January 2, 2008

FRIEND FOR LIFE


Jo M might joke over The Denzel and Wesley Snipes and his Private Party to which I’m cordially invited but R Kelly is always going to be my number one guy. He has a song for all seasons. I certainly have a friend in R Kelly.

So, I had a friend who was asked to test Posh Spices Vegan Diet for Closer Magazine. She has to have before and after pictures and you know what they told her? They said she had to come in for the before picture as fat as possible. Like to bulk up. So wrong. I never read those stupid diet things anyway.

And here I am back in London yesterday unpacking my bag.

Still exxxplosive. LOL.

Tonight I’m feeling a bit let explosive fucked up with jet lag but I have had some amazing chats with people online and catching up on all the gossip. Apparently a certain IDM Fanta Pants [I guess though you would call him Tango Pants here] has been bored at home posting shit on loads of peoples blogs and stirring up shit for everyone. I mean – what is going on here people?! Him and my personal hater – both cunts.

Oh speaking of four letter words and the like – the Restaurant Adviser on Facebook wouldnt let me use the word “cum”. I was using it writing a sentence with an Australian accent… I had to spell it properly. I thought that was a bit cheap of them.


Here is the last picture from my Tasmania holiday before I got on the plane.

xx Lektrogirl

December 30, 2007

LAST SUCK OF THE SAV

So today is the last day and I fly from Launceston back to Melbourne at 21:30 tonight for hopefully a 0:50 flight to London.

Today it is just 28 degrees inside. You Get Me. I certainly haven’t had enough of the weather. I’m just looking at my scarf and woolly hat thinking OMG.


When the kids scream and get retarded, this is certainly wearing a bit thin. I also have a zero tolerance for kids messing around. Maybe if I had three of my own and had been dealing with them for the last 6 years I would feel differently. My poor sister really has to work hard with them sometimes. A lot of the time they are amazing:


I only ever got two Valentine’s day cards in my life. One from a revolting Irish Catholic pig who I hate. The worst boyfriend I ever had ever. It has some frog on it and it was about jumping into bed. Ergh. I hate him. The other was from my German friend LudiLu who sent me a New Years card as a Valentine’s day card after I MySpaced everyone to send me something. Anyway – this letter from my nephew is amazing.


He made me this too. A shame I’m not a teenage Indie kids cause I would probably find more ways to wear it – but as I am in Chanel flop flops, I’m freckly and walking around all screwface cause I’m blind when I take my glasses off and my sunnies on I think to wear the plastic bracelet made from beads extruded by Chinese children I think is okay for now.


An artist.

And here is the ute he wants when he growns up. He says all the time we drive past it what a sweet ute it is.

And this is the shop he will buy his motorbike from:

See that little girl outside? She was actually polishing the bikes. Bogans start young here. I also think that the definitely spelling of “braaap” is finalised, once and for all with this picture.

BRAAAP

xx Lektrogirl

December 29, 2007

WOE IS ME


It is the last night I spend here in Tasmania and while I hear tales of fisticuffs at the residences’ of gentlemen back in London, things have turned sour here too. I accidently slammed my nephews head the the car door in the Kmart car park. It was a stinking day with hot winds and everyone had hot tempers and Sam and I both ended up crying. Me for much longer on a bench outside my sisters house in the wind with tears streaming down my face all about everything and nothing.


Also my exbroken leg from the car accident has been aching all day like crazy. I knew it was gonna rain and it has just started now. It is so weird how that happens.


Today on the way to the raspberry farm, we drove past dozens of poppy fields. Pharmaceutical companies grow them here just in open fields it is a huge business for Tasmania but it is all a huge illegal drug industry too. Each district has a 4 person Poppy Patrol to patrol the fields. How this is effective I don’t know because the fields grow right up to the side of the road and are open access to anyone with signs saying “Entry prohibited” and there are loads of fields everywhere. (Mind you – the youth detention centre only just got a real security fence put round it recently when they got sick of kids escaping. Again – highway right nearby. Big scandal recently was staff at the centre were n big trouble for downloading porn onto computers at their workstations. Anyway…) So back to the Poppies. I asked my brothewr in law about the Poppies cause he used to patrol it and he said that people stole crops all the time. But now dummy crops are now mixed in with real crops so that if they are stolen, processed and used the same way as the real stuff in fact the dummy crop will be fatal – you will die. Amazing! Also co-incidentally today we say my B-I-L on patrol at the scene of a major accident and waved to him from the car on the way to the raspberry farm. Some car had decided to do a u-turn in the highway and some other car jack knifed it and there road was blocked and there was a hugh smash up. No-one died though. That would have been gross.

xx Lektrogirl

December 27, 2007

HOLIDAY

I found out last night I don’t have to be back at work until the 7th January. Amazing only a little bit of a bummer cause I can’t change my ticket home cause the flights are fully booked. Boo hoo me. I think I will either go to Paris for a few days, or re-tile the bathroom and put in a shower. Both are as exciting as far as I am concerned but not sure which it is gonna be. I’ll see if Venom can help me with the bathroom or maybe Cardinal has some advice.

Sara Manara called me a BRAT because of my birthday cake! LOL! I’m gonna get her when I get home. I told my mother about it and she said “I think your friend Sara is going to be a good friend of mine.” Favouritism!

It’s cold today. I think I have to wear jeans. And we are taking down the Christmas lights.

This morning we watched the DVD from the kids dance recital. The best part was when Sara told me about one little girl who’s mother went to school with her husband: The mother got caught at school giving blow jobs to the boys in the school toilets. Of course we had to spell out most of the sentence. The kids were there.

The other thing is my neice and nephews think boys come out of the stomach and girls come out of the ‘giney’ cause they were all born that way. I love that. Also in the car yesterday we were driving along and the kids were reeling off all the oldies that they knew. Thankfully they said I was a youngie. But they said that “Nameless is an oldie cause he is a baldie.” Which is hilarious cause he is younger than me and he used to be totally addicted to a PS game called Baldies. The other thing that makes me laugh – well I laugh at anything – is when they ask for nudie bread – bread with just margarine or when they hit themselves by accident. Oh no – the best joke is one that Tom and I have. I sniff and he says “It was me!” even if it wasn’t.

What was not funny this morning was getting woken up by Kookaburras.

xx Lektrogirl

A SWISS VILLAGE IN TASMANIA

That is right – I’m not on crack – or even opium or whatever it is they grow in fields legally around here. There is a Swiss Village in the north of the state that was build by Ralf Voss, who used to own a ‘huge’ [relatively] chain of supermarkets here in Tasmania. It is called Grindlewald and I even bought the cap!


We all played Krazy Golf and it was great fun until about the 10th hole and two of the kids had a screaming fit and had to be carried off to the swings by their mother. The rest of us continued. OMG – I’m getting a bit tired of the screaming – but the golf was so much fun! It was seriously sunny today and my sister forced me to use sunscreen. I was loving it! I wanted to frazzle myself.


We went to the beach the day before – Boxing Day – for a friendly game of cricket. It was sunny and probably about 19 or 20 degrees but we were all complaining about how cold it was. I even had to resort to wearing a beanie back at the shack for extra warmth – I turned a Sonia Rykiel hat into a total bogan steelo! Uneblieveable but true!! CIO!!


I’m so sorry Pippa. I will never post this on the Maison B site.


Apparently someone or other sucked good cock down at the beach too.


Amd meet my sister Sara. She is the toughest bitch on the planet. She is amazing. I love her. She used to do stuff when we were little like get a big black marker pen and write MY name all over the furniture then Mum would see it and I would get into trouble for it cause Mum would say “Your sister is too little to think of something as clever as that.”

I spent the rest of today watching Law and Order: Special victions Unit – Antoine Mitchell from The Shield was in it AS A COP which was really disturbing cause I’m so used to him being a really amazing thug. At least though he wasn’t a new token black person and Ice T was still in it. I would have been gutted if in the future [which is of course timewise where I am] when I get back to London Ice T isn’t in SVU any more. I also had access to the internet properly so I have gone back and illustrated the previous few days posts freshly uploaded Flickr pics. I surfed eBay for a while for my usual searches – grannie dress, granny jewellery and old medical charts. THEN THE ROBOJAM CHAMPIONSHIPS WERE ON AGAIN. Maggot did a great job again, though no cigar. Booga cleaned up yet again!

xx Lektrogirl

December 26, 2007

ROBOJAM

Every night after the kids go to bed, Chooka, Maggot, Booga and Killa Kat all come to life and the competition starts on the Playstation for ROBOJAM supremacy. We were all totally rooted last night but the second round of the competition was in full effect. It was neck and neck between Booga and Killa Kat (a childhood wrestling name) until the last round – Booga got in there with two points. This morning we are all still singing the music from the Octo-beat game.

xx Maggot

ON THE ROAD


We are driving to the shack through the bush. There has been loads of roadkill on the way. HOWEVER I saw one amazing thing – AN ECHIDNA strolling down the nature strip. We stopped for some nectarines at a stand at the side od the road. We also drove through a lot of vinyards. We are at the shack now. Later.

xx Lektrogirl

SCRABBLE


I associate Scrabble with afternoons when it is too hot to go outside and my Dad and Grandpa playing it to the death. My Dad is the worlds greatest Scrabble expert – he knows all the two letter words… Anyway I guess it comes from the fact Dad is British and he must have spent every Christmas trapped inside in the cold playing it like Alex T, Bok Bok and Manara. Here in Tasmania, we’ve been watching HR Pufnstuf DVD’s and are getting ready to hit the beach. Oh no – family crisis – my sister can’t find the IKEA bag, but she did find the missing transformer for the last set of icicle lights.

Anyway speaking of life in Tasmania I woke this morning to read an SMS from Alex T’s uncle – why they were talking about Tasmania I don’t know maybe Alex was talking about this amazing WAG he knows… – anyway, the SMS was a joke:
How do you know when a Tasmanian girl is on her rag?
Her blood is on her father’s cock.
LOL!!!


Anyway I’ve been banned from talking about Alex T any more. XXCENSOREDXX told me that Alex T is only interested in 22-24yo Indie girls and I’m too old. Alex T is my real life R Kelly! I can go to sleep dreaming he’ll piss on me, but in reality I’m more likely to be R Kelly’s girlfriend’s mother.

If I was talking about anyone else except Mr T, I’d be worried they would read it and think I was a weirdo. But this is the guy who wants to tell everyone he is a facist on Facebook. I apparently regularly freak out Prancehall (XXCENSOREDXX is the same source of info there) but I really don’t mean to.

In other news, Cardinal sent me the best Xmas SMS of the season – she put a red Xmas bow round Jamals neck. Her cat is blind and probably thought she was dressing him up as Easter bunny!

xx Lektrogirl

December 25, 2007

MIDNIGHT IN HADSPEN

Ahhh at last, the house is dark and I’m alone on the sofa blogging with my phone. I cried my eyes out this morning listening to a cover of Kate Bush by the winner of Australian Idol thinking about how hard this year has been. I’m so glad it is nearly over. I had a reading from a psychic – she told me I would move house. I hope so.


Tomorrow everyone is going to the shack of Poppy and Dash – jet skis, beach, river etc. I didn’t bring my bathers. I don’t know if I would be allowed to sit and get wasted on Mojitos in front of the kids. So I might stay at the house and go down the creek and play on the PS2 all the kids new games before even they have.

I hope my little house is okay. I’m really missing XXCENSOREDXX which is weird cause I hardly know him but he’s so funny and has such a smiley face. I also can’t wait to see XXCENSOREDXX who has been teasing me mercilessly because I don’t have a penis. It’s not fair to tell someone you love them then in the next breath tell them it’s impossible. So mean! But I’m REALLY looking forward to going to the secret brown people’s gay rave in a sari with XXCENSOREDXX – best fun ever. Apparently you cant take pictures in there though cause some men are married. Finally I will be pleased to see XXCENSOREDXX if that ever happens – charming, funny and vulgar. Quite delightful.

xx Lektrogirl

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