Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

April 4, 2009

A FAN OF THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #22

I haven’t post may new posts for the John Davidson Fan Club for a while but I have a few emails racking up. I was going to do it this evening actually before ‘Family Dinner’ – rabbit casserole, kale, cabbage and home made bagels. Instead, I am checking my email and this comment appears about a previous post of The John Davidson Fan Club if you want to refresh your memory about, you can read it here.

Paul G has left a new comment on your post “THE G.A. RECOMMENDS A RESTAURANT”:

Emma

I know I’m a year late but Schmidt’s popped up today because I am meeting someone for a drink at the Charlotte Street Hotel.

Schmidt’s was the first restaurant Iw as taken to as a kid. I remember it well because itw as so huge and two waiters – one Greek and the other Dutch – had a loud fight in the kitchen over a football match the previous night and my mother’s freshly prepared food was flung during the altercation.
Cut to a few years later and my first job at a phot library around the corner.
Freddie Schmidt funded it; he was the son of the owner and incredibly Austrian/English. Schmidts had just closed down and Freddie was looking fore anotegr business opportunity.
I remember it lay empty for a couple of years at least – this was 70s London which still had bomb damage from WW2 – and seemed like a relic from the Vienna Secession, not the punk rock West End.

There you go.

From an old timer.

PX

Wow. A whole lot better than hate mail from Prancehall.

xx Lektrogirl

January 12, 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #21

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 10 January 2009 00:25
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: g’day, and g’day to you an’all. 1/4 to 11a.m. here, guess y’r in the scratch escaping from the cold and farkin snow?

That was a long and interesring e’mail, shagger. I like to read about your pursuits that haunt you dailySpecially about your mates who fall out about’usually’ fuck all. Talking about cold, you’ld get a shock if you were home here, the Summer, HAS PASSED tASMANIA BY. The best we have had so far is 16 degrees C’ Cold winds and rain, snow on the mountain, etc,etc.
Program on S.B.S. last night Secrets of the orgasm. So they built a see-thru plastic insert spectrum so you could look deep into her vagina. Supposedly looking for the ‘G’ spot. whatever the fark that is? Any way it did nothing for an aged 83 yr old, who’ld rather have a bowl of hot soup anyway.
Ain’t that typical of public utilities, like they couldn’t or wouldn’t tell you over the blower how to change the farkin batteries. Oh no. you got to have a night school ticket and an electrician’s certificate to change a battery. mate
Shower of faecal nobbies.
Sara and the family seemed to have had a fulsome festive season. G.F.luck to them. At least they didn’t have to engage in solitary thoughts and on your own-ness. Though I think I might be glad if I tell myself the truth, because IO do find XXCENSOREDXX a bit hard to take. Thick as bricks. XXCENSOREDXX read a booki in(fiction that is)in his life gets on my tits. Specially if he beats me at chess. Young sAM AT6 YEARS PLAYS BETTER CHESS THAN i DID WHEN i WAS 10.Fuck the caps lock! He’ could be a little champion the way he’s going. learning to play.I f you hear a violent squeal over the oceans. you’ll know the little fart has beaten his Grandpa? Makes you wonder, what is the worth of 70 odd years of experience when some bright spark comes up and digs a hole of defeat for you?
How’s the Deutch going? Or has Le Langue Francois takenover? Hoe about a bit of low class Russian? “Yopt via match, ti chouyou garbati! You stuff yer mother yer hump backed prick!
SEE YA LATER MATE. i’LL SEND A SHORT TEXT TO TELL YOUTHE EMAIL IS IN YOUR COMP. i WAS GOING TO SAY BOX, BUT IT SEEMED IAPPROPRIATE!” those bloody caps lock agen. Sorry. I think the comp does it to annoy. Like the Red Duchess in Alice . The baby she was chucking pepper on ‘only cried to annoy!
All the best kiddo. Don’t know what we’ld talk about if you were here. Couldn’t be worse than what I write on the comp?
Luv ex yer pa. XXXXX

January 1, 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB NEW YEAR

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 January 2009 00:11
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: The festive season is over thanks to the fireworks.

I don’t think your email of the 8th December really sunk into my addled consciousness when I read it the first time.Now having read it again your comments regarding XXCENSOREDXX are certainly no less than true. Although I don’t think penises should be so maligned by associating them with that crunt. I remember being in similar circs with a XXCENSOREDXX of Sydney who saved me from deportation when the Harbour Police caught up with me, Not, love, just a bit of rumpy pumpy and somewhere to sleep til I got a flat and a job etc. When she came across a millionaire fisherman from Darwin who wanted to marry her, she offered me 200 pounds if I would let her divorce me? This meant he didn’t have to know she was already married . Yack. Yack. Yack. I gladly accepted the 200 quid and moved on. But that XXCENSOREDXX heap of busted bumholes deserves a good kick up the anus, and if your sure you wouldn’t rise to his advances IO would him a severe dose of S.T.D. I hope you are able to send an email. When I don’t get a comment about an email I sent to you, I wonder if you are having difficulties with the system Windows offers ,here?
Hope your year does progress a little more happily my little mate. I always find I can make the thick shit which is my brain think more happily and positively When I think/tell it to. I am told quite frequently that I am paranoid, but I just tell them to G.F.
Luv yer poor ol’ Dad. He’s pretty rooted. Or Pretty and rooted!

December 8, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #20

Time for a little Christmas decoration on this blog I think as The G.A. has now sent out his Christmas message to all and sundry via email:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 08 December 2008 04:27
To: Bob davidson; Dorothy Trace; Emma Davidson; paul davis; rose at work; rosemary davidson; Sally Foster; sally foster.; Sara; sheelagh; trent buckley
Subject: re: The festive seaonal greetings which most folk expect about now

Not another one? The fiest ten were quite exciting, but the last seventy three are becoming ‘more of the same’, if you know what I mean?
Let’s face humanity is not sure of the birthdat, and many don’t believe a virgin can have a baby and remain a virgin, AND The three proponents of the ’said’ Son of God, Peter, Paul and Him were dealt with cruelly by the Caeser who maintained HE was the son of God. Paul had his noggin cut off, Peter was crucified and the buried on the cross upside down, and the other fella was crucified for the love of we sinners, which stretches the imagination because he upset the moneylenders and banks, the Jews and all other religious attenders who liked their own Gods and rituals.
However. be that as it may, if the current activities ‘unscrooge’ and therebye make you and the recipients of your kindnesses happy, may I,as a devout unbeliever hope for your personal Festive Happiness.
Cheers to you all ex-your aging friend, husband, father,uncle. Great uncle, Grandfather and companion to the aged , John.

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Sell your car for just $40 at CarPoint.com.au It’s simple!

October 13, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #19

Two mails in my inbox this morning – from different people of course.

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From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 13 October 2008 02:10
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: yer feet hurt?

Thanx 4 the email. Doesn’t Telstra shorthand give u the shites? Thnx my arse! I just love the telstra system. A man writes something peurile, infamously rude, belittlibg to say the least and the farkin mobile says, “message could not be sent!” that really pisses me orf. How come your feet hurt sitting down all day? Like me I imagine the bones of yer arse would be the aching points? It certainly is with ,e. I think they make wheelchair bases especially hard to remind the ‘wheelchair inhabitants’ that they are not thei for comfort but transport. Th e bastards.
Just printed a note from Htmail about changing my ‘password’ to prevent ’scams. I might change mine to ‘mother’s milk’ which shoukd be good 4 a sucker like me. The only thing is, will I remember which boob i’m sucking on? As a good friend of mine is wont to interject-Haha ha ha. But Ithink she uses capital letters? My Haha looks different.
Just organising a bit of spring planting, salad shite mostly, garlic, spinach, rocket lettuce etc, I’d like to propogate a few persimmon trees. Beautiful fruit. Trees are worth 40 bucks each, There are 2 in my bit of garden, but I think propogation is besat in Autumn?
See you later shags, all the best ex yer DadXXXX,

And:
——————————————————————————–
well, i tried, you know.

he was, like i said, not very good in bed, but fun. we were at my place with two other of his friends. and yeah well, it was fun. Thick…. thick !!! i’m telling you !!

Each mail is as good as each other.

xx Lektrogirl

October 3, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #18

I managed to get a quick email out to my Dad last night after whining I was too tired…

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 03 October 2008 04:04
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: yo re yo farkin yo yo. p-yours

Fire alarm going off. Lunch just started. I ain’t eating smelly half cooked fish anyway. I hope the kitchen catches fire! aND THE FARKIN COOK He wears a tall white hat and calls himself CHEF! His name is Roger Rider, I think he’s as camp as a farkin badger. He thinks he has the rights to my salad produce from my bit of garden, lettuce, herbs, garlic etc. I hope he’s first to lift a lemon from me lemon tree, I manure it liberally with MY urine. The farkin b!

Stockholm? Why’d ya don’t take yer poor old dad, imprisoned here in a farkin aged care internment camp. Jesus OLD people are a severe pain in the anus. and some of them smell pretty crook too. I expect I don’t have a lot of room to talk? Though 83 ain’t too bad, but lots of other farkers seem to fall off the perch at 83. Wonder why? Maybe they didn’t live the good clean, Christian life yer pa did?
Actually your email was a good booster to me. It was like your old self, uppy and busy and much happier.
I’m glad the long shite has dropped off the peg. Life’s too short to have a grizzling, sarcastic prat hanging about. MEN ARE LIKE TAXI-CABS, MATE(FARK) they’re two a penny, just whistle and they’ll come a-running.
Good on yer, kid. Sounds like you have got back into a ‘jack-pot’ era? ££CENSORED££ quid a year should cover the cost of your night-club pissing on with Philippa?
Might even covwer the rent?
I know you’ld rather be looking at wall-paper when you’re not at work so I guess I’d better ‘coff, Real good to hear from you. LAV- NO Luv from yer ol’ manXXXX.

September 14, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #17

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 September 2008 02:34
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: MY thanks for yr seemingly happier email.

The chapel is in the next room to this comp room, The Chaplain came and smiled at Max and I, then shook her head, wistfully. No hope for we two sinners, mate. Thiugh we are comforted by the thought that if Jesus loved sinners, we are due a bundle of love from the Hairy Ghost. O or off the cross.How’d you get the mozzie bites, Chalie? Not uncovering innappropriately in the park, I hope. Might be the same family of mozzies that bit my arse on V.E.Day at the end of WW1. I scored an A.T.S. SGT. She was on the Victory parade with us ‘Old Soldiers(I was 19 and had four years under my belt including service in Italy. She was my first English blow through. The first was an ancient old Hungarian shiela in the snow in a paddock ioutside Trieste, Northern Italy. Her father was an Italian Mussolini Nazi. H e would have stuck a bayonet up me jacksie if he had found me on top of his daughter. I’m still here, so the bastard didn’t see a mound of snow going up and down in the paddock. T.I.F.I He’s dead now, for sure. So is she, I reckon. She was old enough to be me mother 60 years ago. FARK.
The bloody KIWIS DID US OVER LAST NIGHT AR RUGBY UNION Rhe black bastards. Though to be fair we were in front for the second half but we just hsadn’t got the bottle to finish on top.
Thanks for he email, mate. You’ll never know how much it brightens an otherwise pissy day when YOU commumicate with me. Thanks a lot. Keep up the good fight mate. Tomorrow Might be a better day. We might win the LOTTO.aND THEN WE HAVE TO BE PREPARED That we won’t It’s only muckin foney Cheers E.J. Thanks again. Kuv ex yer ancient DadXXXXX.

August 25, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #16 or so

It’s a dog’s life…

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From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 August 2008 04:57
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: Your unhappy news.

What a nuisance, for want of a better word. What stupid events has she perptrated to get herself in the dido? Nothing you can do to turn her around? XXCENSOREDXX If you were here in Tas then I could sign over my half of the house, then you could use it as security on a bank loan to create a busines here? Fark knows. Then again you aren’t in a very receptive frame of mind after such bad news.
Keep pecking kid. it ain’t the last job in the world.
Makes me think of Melbourne many years ago. Down to me last 8 bob. Bought a paper and applied to be Salesman for Dalgety’s. Luck would have the Manager, Arthur Pattinson, ask me if I followed the footy. I answered , yes. Carlton. Arthur glowed and sai,”Good I’m a Drector for Carlton. Stood me in good stead for the next 12 years. as you know, or may remember?
Think lucky girl. There’s always a bit of luck around the corner. Like you always say,”what goes around comes around.” Mine is” Think lucky. You’ll be lucky!” Though the golden eagle doesn’t shit too often 0ut of the Lotteries. Strike me lucky. I only want a million to get us started’
See yer kiddo. Chun up and tell t.t.f.themselves.paXXXX

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If anyone else was having a bummed out moment, please feel free to take some of my Dad’s advice for yourselves. There is plenty of The G.A.’s vibes to go around.

xx Lektrogirl

August 18, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #15.5

Bugger – this one came on Thursday but I forgot to post it!! Sorry everyone.

—–

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 August 2008 03:20
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: first day down, This is in answer to your first day down’ a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?

I know rour’e busy etc. but you are the only one who has the brightest and appreciative of the ‘rare’ vulgaruty that sneaks into my writing. I don’t have control over it, it just overflows as from a carbuncle pussing out of an infected follicle. God help us!
Our boss stopped me yestertday looking all harrassed and worn out, I asked “what’s up Chook” To which she replied this place gives me the ‘effein shits’ (quote, unquote)
Evidently the Salvo’s are giving her a hard time, which is easy for them , because they think they’ve got God on their side, What a load of bollocks?
The two chaplains are very pleasant folk, they are from the south of Edinburgh.
‘Borderers’ to be precise. Still they are Scottish and are fairly understanding of my antipathy to religion when I relate my earl days in Glsgow being a protestant at a predominantly Catholic school. My brothers and I gave blood noses to Catholic abusers every day we gathered in the playground for recess. Even the shit faced girls used to call out ‘Protestant Bastards’
But that was a lot of yesterdays ago my little friend.I remember give ing one shiela a bit of a dunt up the arse to help her into the classroom for wittering shit at me.
Miss King sent me for the strap and book for violence on a female. She larraped six of the best on my hand. Which was fair enough. W hen I think of my father, thumping shielas isn’t really fair play.
Itried deleting all my previous emails theother day, yours and mine but the flamin printer took a hand in printing the saved in drafts tray.
Some of the reading from each other is a good laugh!
Specially bits about what hangs in and out of best? Don’t tell me youve relaxed you guard and let XXCENSOREDXX have a serve? Fark, (exactly)That’s enough of your expensive time. I hope it get’s more interesting for you mate? Luv ex PaXXXX.

——

I promise that I will not let emails sit in my inbox for too long without posting them.

Well work again this morning and I cant believe that I am awake and happy at this time of day. Totally unheard of! On the weekend I was awake pretty early – the transition hasn’t been that bad from slacker internet addict to SATC working girl. TCB. Anyway I better go and find something more appropriate to wear to work than pink polkadot PJ bottoms and a red Kon Tiki t-shirt [an old one of Max's he gave me!]

xx Lektrogirl

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #15

Dear All

Before posting my Father’s opinions here from his latest email, I just want to re-iterate that they are MY FATHER’S opinions and not mine although I cannot speak for my sub-editor. Indeed – they may not even be my father’s opinions either, he maybe just be saying them for comedy effect…

—–

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 18 August 2008 01:34
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: MY ADDRESS IS the HOUSE WITH A BIG RED LIGHT SHINING OUT OF THE PORCH

tHANKS FOR THE WORDS/INFO. i MUST BE A GREAT RELIEF TO YOU TO KNOW YOU HAVE THE RENT AND TUCKER COSTS COVERED. Fark. You know why the expletive? I think my 83 rd year will be the last of controlled intelligence?
One other thing that springs to mind, you must gain great confidence in yourself that you are still elligble, and able to apply for, a,d get, a good job. I’ m happy for you any how.
All I can say about the Olympic games is spectacularly boring. The Chinese are so far up themselves I’m sure they can taste their own faeces on the back of their toungue. Nothing unsual, really thet use their own shite to manure thier own home grown salad and veges. They sprinlkle glitters on the turds to make them more attractive! To smell or eat? I’ m not sure. Cheers mate. 2 quick questions,
1.Where is your email computer?
2 When’s the best time for you to recive.
3What is your mobile phone number? I’d HATE TO BE SENDING VITAL INFO TO THE THIEVING GIT WHO NICKED YOUR PHINE. fARK AGEN. Cheers mate. Luv yer. Take care. Put a mouse trap by the edge of the bed, be suprised what the XXCENSOREDXX man ‘ll get caught in it? At XXCENSOREDXX he’ll prolly need a rat trap? Dadxxxx The comp just told me when I went to sign off that my message had not been sent. and that was after it had already told me it had sent it. so Ill send it again in case the F.R.E.D!

—–

xx Lektrogirl

August 14, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #14

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 August 2008 03:20
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: first day down, This is in answer to your first day down’ a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?

I know rour’e busy etc. but you are the only one who has the brightest and appreciative of the ‘rare’ vulgaruty that sneaks into my writing. I don’t have control over it, it just overflows as from a carbuncle pussing out of an infected follicle. God help us!
Our boss stopped me yestertday looking all harrassed and worn out, I asked “what’s up Chook” To which she replied this place gives me the ‘effein shits’ (quote, unquote)
Evidently the Salvo’s are giving her a hard time, which is easy for them , because they think they’ve got God on their side, What a load of bollocks?
The two chaplains are very pleasant folk, they are from the south of Edinburgh.
‘Borderers’ to be precise. Still they are Scottish and are fairly understanding of my antipathy to religion when I relate my earl days in Glsgow being a protestant at a predominantly Catholic school. My brothers and I gave blood noses to Catholic abusers every day we gathered in the playground for recess. Even the shit faced girls used to call out ‘Protestant Bastards’
But that was a lot of yesterdays ago my little friend.I remember give ing one shiela a bit of a dunt up the arse to help her into the classroom for wittering shit at me.
Miss King sent me for the strap and book for violence on a female. She larraped six of the best on my hand. Which was fair enough. W hen I think of my father, thumping shielas isn’t really fair play.
Itried deleting all my previous emails theother day, yours and mine but the flamin printer took a hand in printing the saved in drafts tray.
Some of the reading from each other is a good laugh!
Specially bits about what hangs in and out of best? Don’t tell me youve relaxed you guard and let the big fella have a serve? Fark, (exactly)That’s enough of your expensive time. I hope it get’s more interesting for you mate? Luv ex PaXXXX.

August 12, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #13

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 12 August 2008 01:30
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: re: first day down, a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?

I am here only from desperation. I ‘boot’ up this wretched machine, one handed I might add, only to find no words of solace from one of my special friends. agen and agen. Ces’t La Vie, or in my case the prevailing winds of death!
How did Monday go? Do you have to solicit bodies for jiobs or interview likely applicants for business clients?
You could be lucky and strike a rich young colt, unattached, who welcomes a good looking young ‘bird’ to hid mayfair condominium(left to him by a maiden aunt who died of a broken heart, because her husband, his uncle, shot through with a young filly with large knockers? Not that kind of luck, me hearty? All I can lay (me eyes on) are mostly older than meFark!
There you are. short no questions of import, except I deleted your address when I WAS CLEANING UP MY MOBILE’ SENT AND INBOX LISTS. and I therefore lost your address again. Can’t send you any picnics, til you give me yer address agen.
How often do you read yer emails? Why not make it daily just before you vist mrs murphy? Then you won’t have any thing pressing on yer liver?
XXCENSOREDXX. XXCENSOREDXX. Jesusus that’s big upwards that is. XXCENSOREDXX over the end of the bed?
Email yer dear old dad, who married yer ma so you wouldn’t be a bastard, but you’ve got the makings, without any help from mr. Tho I taught you all I know, Miss Brilliance!
See you later….via this page. L v from yer pa. XXXX

August 6, 2008

GIVE AND TAKE AWAY

I woke up this morning – finally – to receive the following in my Flickr mail. It has lest me feeling totally heartbroken. How can this be? A random message from a complete stranger.

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06/08/08

Dear L

I’m writing to apologise for my borderline obsessive compulsive accessing of your blog.

You must admit, images of good food and vicariously experiencing jolly japes in dirty London town are quite seductive, addictive and an acceptable displacement activity. London hasn’t looked so good since irritant released the I-sound 7” back in the day.

However, you do have a point and I feel that I may not be able to adequately explain to my senior management team that it is appropriate for me to look at post-modern images of plates of food and nightclub toilets.

In addition, it may not be the most effective use of my time at work.

Therefore, I guess it’s time for me to clean up my desktop.

Goodbye Diana Scheuemann!, farewell Russian tramp racing,! Bless! Bless! Lektrogirl…

a new life for me.

kind regards, A.

p.s. I don’t think that is my IP address, so please don’t send any horse’s heads to my co-workers!

——–

Without dwelling on this too much, I will drag myself to the Worker’s Cafe on Holloway Road for an omelette and coleslaw and then purchase the necessary dowelling to construct the makeshift stand for my new chromakey green roll. Mr Chips and I have a plan. The G.A. sent me another email this morning but only some sections are relevant if you didn’t read the mail I sent him. And there is also some personal information regarding my latest interests in men which I don’t feel like revealing. Pop’s and I chat about all shit. But here are some edited highlights:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 06 August 2008 07:03
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on wed 7th August 2008. Needless to add, unusually quite elated.!

howdy shags, I already sent you a text about good news, Y.s. F.s No,I don’t give you the credit for an adult aged 16 years, Sometimes I think you must be about six! As you often print HA.HA. yOU WANKER. XXCENSOREDXX? Your comment about teaching young folk about dealing with the future is very relavent.(how’d ya spell ‘relevent?) Mind you even at my age it’soften hard to unravel the poxy governmental policies relating to any F.Thing.But then I always was a bit thick.
XXCENSOREDXX? Good show, mate.
I’m not exactly worried about you gettinng yourself up the duff. ai JUST WORRY THAT WE WOULDN’T BE THERE TO HELP YOU WHEN NECESSARY(FARK agen.Bleedin Caps LOck)
Any how you ain’t u.t.d, enciente, preggars, so w.t.f am I worrying about? S.F.A.
Time to abandon ship EH? Got a job to do fer meself. Since I am of royal Scottish blood, it’ll have ‘glitters’n it. and so sparkle in the water!
Luv from yer DADA. WtFis that? PA.

What am I gonna do when this old bastard croaks?

xx Lektrogirl

August 4, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #12

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 04 August 2008 02:49
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on monday 4th August 2008. Needless to add, solitarily pissed off and ,and,and!

and. What’s going on? Ma TELLS ME THE CR/CARD YOUR HOLDING OF HERS IS NOW OUT OF DATE? hOW T.F DO YOU MANAGE TO EAT.? (Fark) Cos I did y usual caps lock trick. Pay yer rent? PAY YER LECTRICITY? wHAT ABOUT THE ww1 MEDALS VALUE IN England? Not worth a fark to me. Just reminds me that I was only 15 when I joined up and therefore was taken off the draft to Africa in whick 33 of the 37 men in my platoon were killed. But that was yesterday, little mate. The strange thing about living to 83 is that my father was the one who strode into the adjutant’s office in his officers outfit, complete with the War O ffice red band insig nia around his cap, and told the man ‘”get my boy ‘off that draft or you’ll be in trouble with the press ” Which of cpurse was what happened, Not that I am currently enthralled with the fact ‘he’ saved my life. H e made it farkin miserable for us all during all the time he was around, especially mother. Still, no doubt your memories of me, which you will recount in the future will no doubt put me well in the shite. Ah well, can’t win them all, if any?
Tell me about your mobile. H ave you got a new one yet? I sent a text to the last number on a text you sent me. But I don’t know who got it. The mobile didn’t say ‘message has not been sent, and it’s registered on my ’sent’ list on me mobile, So fark knows?
Please farkin email your correct address. Your mother says she can’t remember it, and gorgets to look for it for me. She doesn’t take me home anymore. She says it’s too cold at home, and she has paperwork spread all over the ding room floor(and prolly the boyfriends’ underclothes, shirt, etc lying around the bedroom. tHOUGH AT 66 SHE MAY BE PAST/PASSED it? Can’t grumble. I don’t think I would manage to get laid at my ripe old age? Which past/passed is right. I never remember?

Try hard to answer this email. Because IA worry about you , yoy little farker. Love from yer ol’ Dad. At 83 I haven’t got many emailing days left. So p.y.ff. out and work it on the keyboars.XXXX

———

I love my Dad. I dreamt I was homesick though and went back to Australia and within two hours of being there I was homesick for my house and wanted to come back home. I don’t know which is home any more. I also dreamt that a huge white snake tried to eat my laundry and was terrifying me. And there was another dream full of dogs and cats. Dogs, cats, snakes and Freud anyone?

xx Lektrogirl

July 31, 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #11

The latest in a long line of emails from my pops.

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Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on a Thurs
Date: thursday 31 Jul 2008 03:37:37 +0100
Hey Big wheel, how’s things turnin?
Wrote a text to you and lost it. God I am I.T. illiterate. Still I was born a long time ago!
Finsbury Park? Iwas about 7 or 8 , Mum took us to f.p
one day after some firce rainstorm. On the grass I took me shoes orft and ran through a puddle, quite deep, and some penis had thrown a busted bottle in the puddle. Gashed me right heel. Mum got all excited and wrapped it up tight with a hanky. Coupla days it was healing pretty well but turned a bit septic. The old girl got a bit excited and threarened me with a visit to the hospital, so I got a pair off scissors and stuck the wound with the sharp point. Pussy splonge shot out and almost overnight it healed o.k. She blew shit out of me, saying I could have made it worse. Yeah.Yeah!
Just had a visit from a retired(pregnancy) care. Brady. She is a gargantuan woman 250kilos if she is a gram. Still we were good mates when she worked here so was her partner, Tim.
What do you reckon old war medals are worth? I’ve got mine, 2 lots of Uncle Bob’s. See if they’re worth anything in a medal shop. You might get a quid. I know they ask for $200 here if you want to buy one.
I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TEXT ME YER ADDRESS PLEASE. i CAN’T REMEMBER, NOR FIND YOUR ADDRESS.(FARK) Like I said thick as a brick on I.T.
Look after yerself little mate. Hope to goodness you are keeping the tucker up to yer constitution?? Have you got a mobile again? Cheers mate. ex yer pa.XXXX

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