Hello! Bonjour! Willkommen!

April 8, 2008

MEGA LOL

Here is my friend Caz trying to be like me with the bra shot… Oh no.. hang on… LOL hahaha

ROTFLOL

Mum called this morning and I told her was really sad this morning feeling like I had nothing to get out of bed for today. I can’t tell you the real reasons why other than to say XXCENSOREDXX has banned me from talking about XXCENSOREDXX here and another whole part of my life is totally XXCENSOREDXX anyway…

and here I was at the New Zealander party have a whale of a time.

But then I get up this morning to see the world has been moving on with out me and see visions such as Caz with a twisted bra. Lovely.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. Alex T asked me on Sunday night what my favourite episode of C.S.I. is and I couldn’t choose but now I know. It is an episode in season 5 of C.S.I. Crime Scene Investigation [the Vegas one] called COMMITTED set in a mental prison where a guy gets murdered by the mother of one of the patients who is masquerading as a nurse so that she can continue her Jocasta complex relationship with her mentally ill son. They crack the case when Grissom uses a really great piece of far fetched technology [LOL] – audio archaeology or something. The son was making a clay vase when his nurse mother came in to demand that he finish it with the guy who was murdered and apparently the sound waves of their conversation were picked up in the wet clay. The C.S.I. team were able to pick up the sound recording using lasers, processing it through something that looked a little bit like Sony Acid Pro but with a jazzier skin and they all realised who was banging who.

April 5, 2008

NOT GOOD ENOUGH

Tonight Cardinal, Venom and I went to some random house party full of New Zealanders. Enough said about that. On the way home, we went to the bagel shop on Brick Lane [the yellow one.] In the queue, some cute guy was chatting my up. He was telling me that he felt like a knob the way he was dressed cause normally he dressed more indie [he looked nice - maybe he thought I looked indie?] Unfortunately, he had a pimple on his forehead that looked quite angry with a bit of a scab on it. And you all know my latest obsession about these things. I just looked at it and thought ‘No’ cause I knew just too well what this facial infection could become. Even so, he was cute and funny. Until he said ‘Hermes’ wrong. Then I knew it could never be true between us. I clutched my warm loaf of bread and my cream cheese bagel and joined Cardinal and Venom on the street outside and we stuffed the bagels in our faces and caught a taxi home.

If I hadn’t found a fiver outside the bottle shop where we picked up some booze before the house party I could have almost written the whole night off [Venom accused me of ruining his whole night and then finished up with his usual rant that I never understand about cab routes - even though for the most part we were having a good time together. If only the afterglow of his disco poo that he was so happy to tell me about had lasted longer...] However it was pretty fun.

Tomorrow looks like it will be a cracker. Cardinal is sanding her floors and has hired a machine to do it. I’m going over in my sweats just to watch! So cool! Tonight at the party I was explaining to Milan the reason why a particular wall had cracked in the house we were in and that in fact they could remove it an have a massive front room. It was a partition wall the land lord must have put in to make an extra bedroom.

Anyway, last time I sat at the computer drunk and late at night I ended up sending a Facebook message to XXCENSOREDXX saying ‘I saw you talking to some friends of mine at the party the other night and I was too nervous to come and say hi then. But I wanted to tell you that you were the most beautiful man in the room.’ Etc Etc. Suffice to say I have not heard back from him. And honesty, if he had replied to that message I don’t think I would have had a lot of respect for him. Instead he did what any normal person would – he immediately told the mutual friend, who rushed into Soho [possibly not any quicker] to tell Pippa all about it. When admitting my shame, I didn’t grill Pippa to find out any more about what was said – I can only imagine the guffaws between friends as he read out my message over the phone to her – I mean GOD I would have cut and paste the whole thing and put it on my blog if someone had sent it to me. The thing is, I can’t believe I actually did it as it is SO NOT what I would do. What deep and humiliating shame that I have endured. Over a week has passed since then though and I am pretty much over it and LOL to myself regularly about it. And the major disappointment was – when I first saw him in the club I thought he was Spanish or Italian – just some dude. Then Cardinal told me ‘OMG that’s XXCENSOREDXX’. So in fact he doesn’t speak with a swarthy European accent – I watched some video of him being interviewed and it wasn’t like my fantasy at all.

So, on that note, I am going to bed to have a real fantasy. And maybe the hot postman will arrive in the morning with another one of his packaged for me.

xx Lektrogirl

March 6, 2008

I’VE LOST MY FAMILY

Not wanting to sound too grim about it, but Mutts and I were discussing the things I wanted from the house when both of my parents ‘go to the other side’. I can’t really remember what I said now other than some old crockery – in particular the jug with the handles stapled back together in the wartime days when there was no glue. I was going to make a really awful joke then about prisoners of war then but thought better of it. After getting banned from Venom’s blog for real [tho' he tried to reinstate me and said he couldn't work out how... a likely story...] I’m trying to be good – honest Gov’. Anyway so – when the G.A. moved into the old man’s home, most of the chutch went up to the Auction Mart to pay for the credit card bills Mutts discovered so it is kind of slim pickings but there is still some good stuff there – like the matching jug to my polka dot teapot.

GOD! WTF am I on about…

So, I went looking tonight to find pictures I had taken of my family in college years. I have loads of old prints that I developed myself in the top of the linen closet [no I don't have a boiler in there in case you were shitting yourself about the paper] but I knew I had rescanned them at some point. Ergh – I couldn’t find them anywhere in my GIGABYTES of random online storage space, but I did find these online. They are pictures of my distant relatives on my Mutt’s side from a really cool old family album that I have dibsy bags on before my sister I hope.


This guy always reminds me of Squarepusher. Do you see it?


The one on the right looks like a man in drag.


What is up with those devil’s knot tie side buns on that lady?


SPANIEL HAIR-DO


I have always felt a resonance with Misery Guts here with the dog.


Dude on the left looks stuffed.

If you can make out what some of the scratchy spider writing says it is quite funny. It is a shame I resized the scans cause the book is much larger in real life. Oh well I’m always a fucking idiot somewhere along the way. And if I’ve actually got ahead in life for a few days some asshole always comes along to put me right back in my place.

You know who you are.

xx Lektrogirl

January 21, 2008

TRAINING DAY

I FINALLY got to see Training Day that Jo “To Pimping!” Mitchell has been going on about for so long. It stars Denzel Washington [I have a minor obsession with his acting ability], Ethan Hawke [I fucking HATE him] SNOOP DOGG as a wheelchair bound crack dealer and Dr Dre as a rogue cop [a bit like Ice T in Law and Order only scarey.]


If you don’t believe me about Snoop Dogg, start watching about 5 minutes in – I nearly cried laughing. Sadly I promised Carrie that she could have Snoop and I would stick with R Kelly yesterday in Jerk City but it was kind of a fake promise – I was secretly thinking “Yeah I will say it here for arguments sake but deep down we know Snoop is mine.” So sorry Carrie. I lied in the name of love.

Other people being fake in town have got found out big time tho’. XXCENSOREDXX got caught out telling XXCENSOREDXX one thing and then telling XXCENSOREDXX something so different it’s laughable. I have screen grabs of both conversations where XXCENSOREDXX tells the story and the poor quality lying is just embarrassing. LOSER.

But back to Denzel Washingtons and his acting ability. If it wasn’t for the poor acting of Ethan Hawke and his jarring appearance every time he was on screen I could have been lead to believe that this was a real life portrayal of the ghetto so convincing was Denzel. He continued to employ his stiff neck head bobbing thing that Bill Cosby also uses to great effect when making a serious point. The midnight murderers who played their roles with balaclavas and big black van were neither predictable or an overused archetype in a Hollywood movie. They way Denzel’s body convulsed as he was being riddled with bullets from automatic weapons what definitely watching the whole movie for.

I would have loved to watch the movie the whole way through in Spanish:

I was talking Jo Apps last night who is in Philadelphia and loving it I understand. We discussed the public physical fight between two men in Fabric the other night. As Jo Apps said “What is London coming to with all this violence going on? Everyone is going to be running round with guns come picnic season!” I have to say that I have witnessed the harsh reality of how life could be when watching Training Day if everyone doesn’t take a step back and a deep breath. If you haven’t seen it already I implore you to watch Training Day, the “Cool and exciting” and “Cracking cop drama… refreshing to see a thriller worthy of the label” for which Denzel Washington received an Acadamy Award in 2001 for his Leading Role for some home truths and watch Good triumph over Evil.

xx Lektrogirl

January 13, 2008

MY MIND WANDERS

Well the work in the bathroom grouting has gone so slowly – so boring. But while I work I have had a lot of time to think about all kinds of stuff – like particularly who is the hottest actor at the moment IMHO.

It all started when the ads came on TV for that new movie “No Country for Old Men”. Though I don’t have much of a clue as to what the movie about, I kept seeing this guy

shooting people and acting really weird and dark thinking “Fuck he’s hot!” But somewhere in my mind I kept thinking – I’ve seen that guy somewhere before, but crying. WHO IS HE?

Google called and I soon learned the killer of my dreams is a Spanish actor called Javier Bardem. But there was still something not right. This guy definitely needs the psycho bowl cut for me to feel his vibe. The guy I remember thinking TOTAL BABE was definitely crying and definitely has short hair. THEN IT CLICKED!!

The guy I was really in love with was Denny Duquette! OMG! The man who was dying in his hospital bed that was having a relationship with the babe nurse Izzy in Grey’s Anatomy.

Here we see [real name] Jeffrey Dean Morgan looking amazing. Point to note – JDM will never be amazingly famous cause he has a bad name.

So I had to get on AIM and tell my friend Ramiro all about it – and even he was astounded as to how similar the two men are:

Spit roast anyone? That is enough to make me kick an own goal, YGM?

Back grouting, I thought about it further – a psycho killer and someone with a fatal illness. It is a documented fact I am also in love with Owen Wilson who we all know tried to top himself not that long ago over that What’s-Her-Name.

Amazing! Can you just imagine the photographer and the stylist at this shoot. It makes me cry lauging thinking about it. But even so – BABE. What is up with me though falling for all these weirdos?

I had a rethink over a Milo [it's Australian, Google it.] And of course – HOW COULD I FORGET NICK STOKES!! Only in the era without the moustach. YGM?! I love facial hair but not a little mo.

So here is Agent Nick Stokes from CSI Crime Scene Investigation [the Vegas one.] Tell me, who wouldn’t want one of Nick Stokes digits poking around in one of your orifices laid out on a slab? I for one can raise my hand high in the air and say ME PLEASE. Until I saw this…


George Eades au natural. He might as well be in the fucking L’Oreal Dandruff commercial saying “Hey babe wanna root?”

Even speaking with a dirty French accent can’t save him.

God… so who is left?

Vincent D’Onofrio?

It seems XXCENSOREDXX is luckier than I am right now. He tells me he has a new lady who is rich and wears Jimmy Choo’s. That could be any WAG. I wonder if he is having an illicit affair with Posh Spice or even Danielle Lloyd?

Last night we went to the Walthamstow Dogs to wish Jo Apps a bon voyage.


Ronojoy trying to tickle Carrie’s fancy.


Jo and her boyfriends.

xx Lektrogirl

January 7, 2008

XXCENSOREDXX


So, I now have a picture of XXCENSOREDXX and I keep it in my oyster card wallet. When you tap in, you don’t even have to open the card wallet so it isn’t as romantic as it sounds I guess. What is very romantic is that he has my birthday written in his Smythsons birthday book. I am guessing that XXCENSOREDXX is trying to seduce me for my Marni bag.

XXCENSOREDXX and I met tonight and had some incredible gossiping. I heard the most gruesome and fabulous story about two gay men. Gayer 1 went into the bathroom of Gayer 2 and started snooping through the cupboards [as you do. I hate it when you do that and the bathroom cabinet has a massive door bang that you aren't expecting or something] and found some jumbo tampons. Gayer 1 was really confused cause Gayer 2 was living alone and had no sister / friend that would have reason to leave jumbo tampons in his bathroom cabinet. At the time, XXCENSOREDXX and I were eating these layered cakes, the bottom layer seemed to have absorbed a rather large amount of liquid. It was quite strange and was rather unpleasant to eat. Even more so as this story progressed. So Gayer 1 didn’t know what to do. He was curious about the tampons but didn’t know how to ask without appearing as though he had been poking through all the cupboards in the bathroom. Finally Gayer 1’s curiosity got the better of him and his asked Gayer 2 about it who was totally casual and replied “They are like for you know, after fisting I used them for absorbing all the slops.”

I had to put my fork down.

After trying to get away with paying the wrong bill that was 5 pounds cheaper than the correct one, XXCENSOREDXX and I went for an evening stroll to Carnaby Street. I wish again I could make it out to be romantic, but it was just so that XXCENSOREDXX could use the free ATMs there. On the way you will never guess what we saw:


None other than London’s number 1 urban blogger moonlighting in the Agent Provocateur window for some extra cash in a dishevilled Danielle Lloyd WAG wig and an ill fitting bra on the right cup. The pair of mannequins were standing in saw dust pretending to be at the circus. You could almost smell the piss from outside the window.

Finally, check out Pippa’s latest video. I’m not really sure what it is for but my friend Alex looks amazing in it. [She is the one with the doll face and the bobbed hair]

xx Lektrogirl

January 4, 2008

KARAOKE CHALLENGE

HEY YOU!! You know who I mean!!

Thanks for giving me this… I will never sleep now.

This is OUR SONG? Well I challenge you to sing this at karaoke! Cursing me with this song was pretty heavy! LOL.

Anyway majority audience, this is one for you.

Just checking up on my buddy Babyjoker21 to see how his Christmas went. GREAT CHOICE OF TRACK. There is nothing sweeter than R Kelly with the water drop snare.
I don’t think I would want to unwrap my presents after this happened in front of them. Finally I think I have been pushed to my limit with the hip rolling. Particularly when he takes his top off and you get to see that he is wearing little budgie smuggler panties with those white tracky daks and socks. The outfit is wrong. Now that XXCENSOREDXX has come clean about thinking I’m a bitch etc, there is no way I will ever get to be able to restyle Ruff Sqwad! Maybe I’m gonna have to contact these guys. [Hang on – was XXCENSOREDXX hating on me when he used my post about the Ruff Sqwad fashion commentary on his blog? Weird.

xx Lektrogirl

December 25, 2007

MIDNIGHT IN HADSPEN

Ahhh at last, the house is dark and I’m alone on the sofa blogging with my phone. I cried my eyes out this morning listening to a cover of Kate Bush by the winner of Australian Idol thinking about how hard this year has been. I’m so glad it is nearly over. I had a reading from a psychic – she told me I would move house. I hope so.


Tomorrow everyone is going to the shack of Poppy and Dash – jet skis, beach, river etc. I didn’t bring my bathers. I don’t know if I would be allowed to sit and get wasted on Mojitos in front of the kids. So I might stay at the house and go down the creek and play on the PS2 all the kids new games before even they have.

I hope my little house is okay. I’m really missing XXCENSOREDXX which is weird cause I hardly know him but he’s so funny and has such a smiley face. I also can’t wait to see XXCENSOREDXX who has been teasing me mercilessly because I don’t have a penis. It’s not fair to tell someone you love them then in the next breath tell them it’s impossible. So mean! But I’m REALLY looking forward to going to the secret brown people’s gay rave in a sari with XXCENSOREDXX – best fun ever. Apparently you cant take pictures in there though cause some men are married. Finally I will be pleased to see XXCENSOREDXX if that ever happens – charming, funny and vulgar. Quite delightful.

xx Lektrogirl

December 20, 2007

MOIN MOIN

I wish I could say I was awake at 5.30am because of jetlag but I got to tell you that some genius has a fucking rooster in the neighbourhood. Yesterday I accidently cut my foot. Blood etc. Still haven’t seen my neice and nephews yet. I hope to make it down to Salamanca today cause my Auntie told me where I can get bakelite jewellery from. XXCENSOREDXX has banned me from talking about XXCENSOREDXX any more. I want another coffee from Jackman and McRoss. They don’t open til like 7am though which is hours away. YGM. Long.

xx Lektrogirl

December 9, 2007

MAN ON FIRE


Last night Booty and I kicked back at his crib and watched a DVD he had bought at Lidl starring Denzel Washington. Through this whole movie we were both transfixed by the script, the narrative, the charactarisation. The whole thing was tantamount to a spiritual experience. Even though I’m a true believer in Wesley Snipes I have to give some creds to the Denzel. It was such a convincing portrayal of a man gripped by seeking revenge that it was like watching a documentary. Passionate.

Speaking of spiritual experiences I fell asleep on the sofa before dinner listening to Kontakte by Stockhausen. It was pretty good. It was nice cause I was so sleepy and everytime I got to the edge of sleep XXCENSCOREDXX laughing would come into my mind and I was imagining what it would be like to kiss him. The best dreaming ever.


Speaking of men, I had another rendezvous here with a guy I have been in contact with a lot via email. Sadly it didnt turn out to be as fun as the one with XXCENSCOREDXX the other night. This meeting ended up being a long story about a saxphone that covered two continents, family members, old friends, the yamaha music website and even though I said ‘cut to the chase’ it was unfortunate cause the story still goes on. Then the man I was with went on to tell me about a time he was so drunk that he was telling a mutual friend of ours he didnt like her boyfriend and should try with him and really she is so beautiful etc… She was only a few seats away at the table. I didn’t really feel in the mood for the vibes after that.


Last night I had better luck with the waiter at the restaurant where Viktor, Booty and I went for dinner. Tony couldn’t keep his hands off me and was calling me ‘Beautiful Emma’. Well state the obvious mate, but at least he was making an effort.

Things with nameless seem to be improving. Conversations are not always about who is such a cunt or who has to do what for something else to happen. I got an SMS from him I guess he was still in Uniqlo saying he couldn’t buy anything there cause it is all made in China and even thoough I’ve explained to him how different mark up systems work and making profit where there is no wholesaler he still said ‘this cashmere jumper is only 39 pounds. Who has paid the price for it to be that cheap? (refering to the workers in China) I’m going to try Smedley tomorrow.’ I was so proud.

More later. Still so much to tell from Hamburg.

xx Lektrogirl

December 5, 2007

THE PLAY DATE

So last night was the play date with XXCENSOREDXX. It was great, he made me cry and insulted me, I was late, told a ‘hilarious’ story about a guy who had something really cringeworthy happen him only to learn that a similar thing had happened to XXCENSOREDXX – all amongst other gaffs. I’m not joking. These things all really happened. But I had a really nice time. And honestly far better than I was expecting. There I was thinking it was going to be really awkward and weird, and it was definitely a little like that at time but the percentage of laughter was a lot more. I fully recommend a play date to anyone anyway. I even got one of those funny “not sure if I should” and me “being awkward back” peck on the cheek outside the most stinking chip shop on the corner of Oxford Street and Tottenham Court Road. I can only assume that XXCENSOREDXX also had a good time for that to have happened on the gankiest corner in the West End.

And you know what else – I KNOW THAT XXCENSOREDXX will read this. Which makes me feel a bit weird writing it. And even weirder that we made jokes about what I would write. YOU GET ME! Mega LOLZ. That was just for him. You are right – it’s tragic! But as you can see from photographic evidence you can see that I’m a true playa.


This is the reason why I was late. I was living it up in Wiltshire on a work related mission. I can’t divulge to much – trade secrets etc. There was a place there call Players Bar and Club Ice that was on the estate. Apparently all the Squaddies go there. We so wanted to go. Jo had her umbrella to reel them all in. Then we filthy looks in the quiet carriage on the way home to Paddington. Just to let you know – mean woman with the briefcase, we hated sitting next to you as much as you hated us. But let’s not make hate and bad vibes. And it is clear you are the one with the problem with the coloured markers you had all anal on your briefcase. When you got up to use your phone we so wanted to change the colours of all the lids on the pens cause we knew it would really fuck with your head.

xx Lektrogirl

November 14, 2007

MINT AERO

Today many things were longing me out. No internet, jobs piling up, meetings, notes. BLARGH.

BUT then something lovely happened. My number 1 assistant told me that he would take me on a date [I was whinging at lunch and he was joking] then blushed. Then I asked him to get me a chocolate bar from the shops if he really meant it. He said that I was the kind of girl who liked expensive chocoalte though. I told him that I like cheap mint chocolate and an Aero would be amazing. Number 1 assistant came back from the shops, got down on his knee and gave me the chocolate bar. He knew I was down in the dumps today. What an amazing dude. Then I asked me where he would take me on the date. He told me Paris. I asked him if he was going to take me up the Eiffel tower. Sniggers all round the office. I asked him if it was going to be a day trip or a whole weekend away. He said that it was going to depend on how hard I was to crack. Mega LOLZ. I laughed for ages about that.

Then the second amazing thing happened – XXCENSOREDXX sent me a random email! Hello! Good times.

xx Lektrogirl

November 13, 2007

PANTS DOWN SHIT UP

XXCENSOREDXX just sent me a message saying XXCENSOREDXX had liquid shits and thought XXCENSOREDXX had finished, stood up and squirted more out of XXCENSOREDXX’s bum on XXCENSOREDXX’s shoes and pants. Yeah, but THE THING IS XXCENSOREDXX had eaten cuttlefish ink risotto the night before and so it was jet black. Apparently fortunately XXCENSOREDXX was saved by the belt XXCENSOREDXX was wearing. The shit just wiped off.

In other news, people with their pants down should check this link referred to me by my very good internet pen friend.

xx Lektrogirl

November 8, 2007

BUSY WITH A COLD

If you could have all come to dinner with me last night we would have had the best time!! We went to the Great Eastern Dining Room again [it was a work thing] which is a great start cause this means nice cocktails in a nice place if you can ignore the suits – but they are well behaved in this place cause the food portions are small and there are no steaks. Anyway – what am I rambling about?!

Roxy and I went there last night with out Italian distributor Giovanni. OMG the funniest guy ever! His girlfriend [back in Italy] is gorgeous and she is pregnant with a baby who is due to be born around the same day as me and they will call her Emma. I was quite drunk [I think we all were...] but I sobered up quickly when Giovanni told us the story of him losing his virginity at 14! OMG!! Talk about an eye opener. Anyway you should have all been there. AMAZING!

All I can add here is XXCENSOREDXX !!

In other news, DJ Venom has been asking my fashion advice on buying a winter coat. Oh the cab is here to take me to work. More about this later. I have a lot to say.

xx Lektrogirl

October 22, 2007

TO ALL MY HATERZ

To all the haters
And to all the people who think that me and two other people are trying to do something really weird
This is my fantasy band that we are in and this song is for you.

ADDED 24 October 07
I take that back, There is no-one in my band with me. This is my song.

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