THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #8

I think it is number 8 or maybe 9 - either way it doesn't really matter.

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com]
Sent: 13 July 2008 05:44
To: Emma Davidson XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com
Subject: appropos of s.f.a.Except yer a lousy shite who doesn;t email her dad when she shouiod remember she can't text me and tell me she is stil in the land of tge almost living

Dunno woss happened here. I started typing but the faggot continued in the re: line, May e I forgot to shuft te curser. F.K?
How aew hings going?.- over the shock yet? Any signs of the culprit? The theiving plonker? Male or Female? Don't suppose you had time to notice. Bad cess on thebastard.
Any luck with a job? Do not actually know what is implied but the abjuration of 'bad cess? Probably means somebody will pour a bucket of shite on him. Because A 'cess was a pit into which theworking class emptied their bowels.Cheers. E'maile me or did he take your fingers too? yer pa.XXXX


And for an added bonus, here is a little something from my nephew Sam!

From: Sam
Sent: 13 July 2008 04:58
To: Emma Davidson
Subject:

hi auntie emma i hope you are having a good time in england i miss you emma i really love you emma i will always love you i will never ever not love you. i am going to a new school in devonport i will be nice to you next time you come down here for a holiday in australia. it was my daddy's birthday the other day and it was coutney's party as well daddy turned 34 and coutney turned 7. on wednesday it will be auntie rae's birthday auntie rae is turning 36 uncle mark turned 28. tom is going crazy so am i so is chloe it's winter down here today it's sunny on monday i am going to the dentist and i don't have to go to school i can go swimming from sam



xx Lektrogirl

JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

So I haven't heard much from The G.A. of late - but it seems it was my turn to get in touch with him anyway.

----

Bored to tears. Sick to death of aged wittering twats of 'THE DUMPED ELDERS OF THE COMMUNITY' God help us we don't contribute much to current events. Penty of hot air, but what else to do?
Ofcourse one can wait patiently for a word from an errant daughter. Word to know she has eaten enogh to subsist, that she has a quid to pay for necessities and that some bastard hasn't done the wrong thing by her---apart from your best friend the Tin Tank, of course!
I think of him as the Crunt from Chigago. Still, as you have told me a million times, what goes around comes around. And even you must admit poor old Dutchy DeJong suffered a bit? pOOR DULL BASTARD. Still I would be lost without his Grand Daddy's big arm chair in which I plant my bum most days for a bit of private reading time. And I hide things under the cushion from prying eyes.
Lunch is up, kid. Luv yer to bits. Hope things are bearing up and all? Love DadXXXX

----

I wish The G.A. didn't say that about the Dutch Boy because I still think of him and wonder where he is and what he is doing and if he will ever talk to me again. Dad is right - I wasn't the greatest. I'm sure he wouldn't even want to hear me say sorry. But some of my happiest memories are with this guy. And some of my biggest regrets. I didn't think he was dull. As for the 'Crunt from Chicago' next time I hear from Dad he will have a go at me about something mean I did to him as well. So fickle! So I take that with a pinch of salt. As the crunt should too.

xx Lektrogirl

A NOTE FROM HOME

My Dad occaisionally gets it together to send me an email when he can. Here is the latest:

Howdy. Fuck knuckle haven't heard from you 4 yonks. Wot r u on? can't be speed ya friggin lurcher. Mind you wouldn't be surprised wot you'ld have a puff at?
How's the painting. Finished? Dick of a job unless you really like playing with a bit of btush?
Been to Deutchland recently? Got a new resident who is P lish but yaks away in German quite a bit. Keeps me on me toes
Sara brought the kids down for a couplea days, Goodness me they have grown. and get smarter every time you see them.
Took a tumble in the bathroom the other day. Jesus your head bleeds. no stitches. just a pressure job and plastic pull togethers. Fme that hurt, the wheel chair tipped backards when I overcalanced into it'BANG knocked meself like a light' not sure how long out, but long enough for a puddle of blood about a meter across to drip into the drain. Fark! Hurt the muscles in the back of me neck moostly. Silly twat,(me!)

I hope everything is well with you, mate? I wish I could take you to some of my old hasunts in Londinium. Maybe not if the population are still alive they've got to be a bit oldish--eighty-ish or more. Fark.
See you. YER DAD WHO LOVES YA. cHEERS.


xx Lektrogirl

I'VE LOST MY FAMILY

Not wanting to sound too grim about it, but Mutts and I were discussing the things I wanted from the house when both of my parents 'go to the other side'. I can't really remember what I said now other than some old crockery - in particular the jug with the handles stapled back together in the wartime days when there was no glue. I was going to make a really awful joke then about prisoners of war then but thought better of it. After getting banned from Venom's blog for real [tho' he tried to reinstate me and said he couldn't work out how... a likely story...] I'm trying to be good - honest Gov'. Anyway so - when the G.A. moved into the old man's home, most of the chutch went up to the Auction Mart to pay for the credit card bills Mutts discovered so it is kind of slim pickings but there is still some good stuff there - like the matching jug to my polka dot teapot.

GOD! WTF am I on about...

So, I went looking tonight to find pictures I had taken of my family in college years. I have loads of old prints that I developed myself in the top of the linen closet [no I don't have a boiler in there in case you were shitting yourself about the paper] but I knew I had rescanned them at some point. Ergh - I couldn't find them anywhere in my GIGABYTES of random online storage space, but I did find these online. They are pictures of my distant relatives on my Mutt's side from a really cool old family album that I have dibsy bags on before my sister I hope.




This guy always reminds me of Squarepusher. Do you see it?




The one on the right looks like a man in drag.










What is up with those devil's knot tie side buns on that lady?


SPANIEL HAIR-DO




I have always felt a resonance with Misery Guts here with the dog.


Dude on the left looks stuffed.

If you can make out what some of the scratchy spider writing says it is quite funny. It is a shame I resized the scans cause the book is much larger in real life. Oh well I'm always a fucking idiot somewhere along the way. And if I've actually got ahead in life for a few days some asshole always comes along to put me right back in my place.

You know who you are.

xx Lektrogirl

BOYZ II MEN LOL

And oh yeah - I heard Lady Sov was big in America. Her fans must be awesome.


And finally and unusual hit. This is a video I made ages ago of a Tasmanian Devil at Bonarong park. It has had 61,500 viewers. The track is AC/DC TNT, but I didn't bother to put that anywhere.


xx Lektrogirl

CALL THE RSPCA

Sorry pets, I have been neglecting you for a number of days I know. Please call the RSPCA if you feel the neglect has been too much. :(

Yesterday was Australia Day!

I sent a text around to my friends to excite them into - I don't know - something. Covvo replied saying "Oh I forgot it was Australia day". The Witch said "I'm having a Milo right now!!" And the typical British Gent, Alex T responded with a picture text of a 'gang' of - who I can only assume to be - Australians [they looked equally British!] outside a pub, drinking. He attached the message "This is why I will not be celebrating Australia day today." At least he wasn't saying I turned him of Australians.

Let's celebrate some great Australians!

Phar Lap!


Errol Flynn

Just for the record, he is also Tasmania.

Acca Dacca

Check out Angus' license to sell hot dogs. [He's fly is low in a live show.]

Dame Edna Everage AND Jason Donovan


xx Lektrogirl

WE ATE IT

Today I started a Flickr Group called WE ATE IT which you can see here flickr.com/groups/weateit. Given the nature of the shit that has happened on my blog recently it is sadly not an open group and you can join by invitation only. But if you want to join, let me know and I'll invite you no worries.

Basically, my new group is to feed something other than my appetite - it's my obsession with plate photography. I'm not the only one that does this. Some people I've inspired and others already had the piglet in them!

Look at this beautiful cake from Bok Bok


And this from Rat Boy David Robertson. I have to say that this looks fucking disgusting. I can see he has had a drink of his coke and hasn't touched anything else yet...




Here are a couple of personal favourites from my collection - which dominates the group at the moment but I've invited plenty and I hope they all find time to upload their foodaholic photos.

I went into the West End this arvo and saw Cardinal and we had a looooong afternoon tea at the Heals Meals cafe. The service was absolutely appauling and Philippa was right when she said that they should have made it more like Alice in Wonderland in there. Unfortunately, it was the second time I had been there and the service really was rubbish then too. But the cakes we had tonight were pretty good. I gave Philippa a bottle of Apple Liqueur from the Lark Distillery in Tasmania for Souvenir / Late Birthday present and a Tasmanian Devil oven mit. She liked them both and I was very pleased. The day I visited the Lark Distillery it was really fun. Mum nearly fell down a stair there which was pretty funny and it was 10.30am and the girl serving us was really helpful and wrote out loads of recipies for me to give to Philippa. Then the girl gave me a shot of Bush Liqueur which I really wasn't sure about cause I hadn't eaten any breakfast yet - but I have to tell you that this stuff was pretty amazing on an empty stomach. In fact it felt great! Check out the distillery here.

Then I saw Abbie and Lee who were talking about moving to Germany because one of them may have a job there. I felt much happier coming home today than I did when I set out. But fuck me it's freezing.

For the rest of the evening I am going to spend researching tiles and water pressure guauges to see how many bars my water pressure is to get the right shower fitting for my house. I am really nervous about starting work on Monday - there is a lot going on and my job role changed a bit before I left for my holiday last year.

And I worked out my New Years Resolution [Abbie's is to be Pescetarian to cut down on Global Warming] - I am going to make my house nice while there is no-one here to mess it up but me!

xx Lektrogirl

FRIEND FOR LIFE

Jo M might joke over The Denzel and Wesley Snipes and his Private Party to which I'm cordially invited but R Kelly is always going to be my number one guy. He has a song for all seasons. I certainly have a friend in R Kelly.

So, I had a friend who was asked to test Posh Spices Vegan Diet for Closer Magazine. She has to have before and after pictures and you know what they told her? They said she had to come in for the before picture as fat as possible. Like to bulk up. So wrong. I never read those stupid diet things anyway.

And here I am back in London yesterday unpacking my bag.

Still exxxplosive. LOL.

Tonight I'm feeling a bit let explosive fucked up with jet lag but I have had some amazing chats with people online and catching up on all the gossip. Apparently a certain IDM Fanta Pants [I guess though you would call him Tango Pants here] has been bored at home posting shit on loads of peoples blogs and stirring up shit for everyone. I mean - what is going on here people?! Him and my personal hater - both cunts.

Oh speaking of four letter words and the like - the Restaurant Adviser on Facebook wouldnt let me use the word "cum". I was using it writing a sentence with an Australian accent... I had to spell it properly. I thought that was a bit cheap of them.


Here is the last picture from my Tasmania holiday before I got on the plane.

xx Lektrogirl

LAST SUCK OF THE SAV

So today is the last day and I fly from Launceston back to Melbourne at 21:30 tonight for hopefully a 0:50 flight to London.

Today it is just 28 degrees inside. You Get Me. I certainly haven't had enough of the weather. I'm just looking at my scarf and woolly hat thinking OMG.


When the kids scream and get retarded, this is certainly wearing a bit thin. I also have a zero tolerance for kids messing around. Maybe if I had three of my own and had been dealing with them for the last 6 years I would feel differently. My poor sister really has to work hard with them sometimes. A lot of the time they are amazing:


I only ever got two Valentine's day cards in my life. One from a revolting Irish Catholic pig who I hate. The worst boyfriend I ever had ever. It has some frog on it and it was about jumping into bed. Ergh. I hate him. The other was from my German friend LudiLu who sent me a New Years card as a Valentine's day card after I MySpaced everyone to send me something. Anyway - this letter from my nephew is amazing.


He made me this too. A shame I'm not a teenage Indie kids cause I would probably find more ways to wear it - but as I am in Chanel flop flops, I'm freckly and walking around all screwface cause I'm blind when I take my glasses off and my sunnies on I think to wear the plastic bracelet made from beads extruded by Chinese children I think is okay for now.


An artist.

And here is the ute he wants when he growns up. He says all the time we drive past it what a sweet ute it is.


And this is the shop he will buy his motorbike from:

See that little girl outside? She was actually polishing the bikes. Bogans start young here. I also think that the definitely spelling of "braaap" is finalised, once and for all with this picture.

BRAAAP

xx Lektrogirl

WOE IS ME

It is the last night I spend here in Tasmania and while I hear tales of fisticuffs at the residences' of gentlemen back in London, things have turned sour here too. I accidently slammed my nephews head the the car door in the Kmart car park. It was a stinking day with hot winds and everyone had hot tempers and Sam and I both ended up crying. Me for much longer on a bench outside my sisters house in the wind with tears streaming down my face all about everything and nothing.


Also my exbroken leg from the car accident has been aching all day like crazy. I knew it was gonna rain and it has just started now. It is so weird how that happens.


Today on the way to the raspberry farm, we drove past dozens of poppy fields. Pharmaceutical companies grow them here just in open fields it is a huge business for Tasmania but it is all a huge illegal drug industry too. Each district has a 4 person Poppy Patrol to patrol the fields. How this is effective I don't know because the fields grow right up to the side of the road and are open access to anyone with signs saying "Entry prohibited" and there are loads of fields everywhere. (Mind you - the youth detention centre only just got a real security fence put round it recently when they got sick of kids escaping. Again - highway right nearby. Big scandal recently was staff at the centre were n big trouble for downloading porn onto computers at their workstations. Anyway...) So back to the Poppies. I asked my brothewr in law about the Poppies cause he used to patrol it and he said that people stole crops all the time. But now dummy crops are now mixed in with real crops so that if they are stolen, processed and used the same way as the real stuff in fact the dummy crop will be fatal - you will die. Amazing! Also co-incidentally today we say my B-I-L on patrol at the scene of a major accident and waved to him from the car on the way to the raspberry farm. Some car had decided to do a u-turn in the highway and some other car jack knifed it and there road was blocked and there was a hugh smash up. No-one died though. That would have been gross.

xx Lektrogirl

HOLIDAY

I found out last night I don't have to be back at work until the 7th January. Amazing only a little bit of a bummer cause I can't change my ticket home cause the flights are fully booked. Boo hoo me. I think I will either go to Paris for a few days, or re-tile the bathroom and put in a shower. Both are as exciting as far as I am concerned but not sure which it is gonna be. I'll see if Venom can help me with the bathroom or maybe Cardinal has some advice.

Sara Manara called me a BRAT because of my birthday cake! LOL! I'm gonna get her when I get home. I told my mother about it and she said "I think your friend Sara is going to be a good friend of mine." Favouritism!

It's cold today. I think I have to wear jeans. And we are taking down the Christmas lights.

This morning we watched the DVD from the kids dance recital. The best part was when Sara told me about one little girl who's mother went to school with her husband: The mother got caught at school giving blow jobs to the boys in the school toilets. Of course we had to spell out most of the sentence. The kids were there.

The other thing is my neice and nephews think boys come out of the stomach and girls come out of the 'giney' cause they were all born that way. I love that. Also in the car yesterday we were driving along and the kids were reeling off all the oldies that they knew. Thankfully they said I was a youngie. But they said that "Nameless is an oldie cause he is a baldie." Which is hilarious cause he is younger than me and he used to be totally addicted to a PS game called Baldies. The other thing that makes me laugh - well I laugh at anything - is when they ask for nudie bread - bread with just margarine or when they hit themselves by accident. Oh no - the best joke is one that Tom and I have. I sniff and he says "It was me!" even if it wasn't.

What was not funny this morning was getting woken up by Kookaburras.

xx Lektrogirl

A SWISS VILLAGE IN TASMANIA

That is right - I'm not on crack - or even opium or whatever it is they grow in fields legally around here. There is a Swiss Village in the north of the state that was build by Ralf Voss, who used to own a 'huge' [relatively] chain of supermarkets here in Tasmania. It is called Grindlewald and I even bought the cap!


We all played Krazy Golf and it was great fun until about the 10th hole and two of the kids had a screaming fit and had to be carried off to the swings by their mother. The rest of us continued. OMG - I'm getting a bit tired of the screaming - but the golf was so much fun! It was seriously sunny today and my sister forced me to use sunscreen. I was loving it! I wanted to frazzle myself.


We went to the beach the day before - Boxing Day - for a friendly game of cricket. It was sunny and probably about 19 or 20 degrees but we were all complaining about how cold it was. I even had to resort to wearing a beanie back at the shack for extra warmth - I turned a Sonia Rykiel hat into a total bogan steelo! Uneblieveable but true!! CIO!!


I'm so sorry Pippa. I will never post this on the Maison B site.


Apparently someone or other sucked good cock down at the beach too.


Amd meet my sister Sara. She is the toughest bitch on the planet. She is amazing. I love her. She used to do stuff when we were little like get a big black marker pen and write MY name all over the furniture then Mum would see it and I would get into trouble for it cause Mum would say "Your sister is too little to think of something as clever as that."

I spent the rest of today watching Law and Order: Special victions Unit - Antoine Mitchell from The Shield was in it AS A COP which was really disturbing cause I'm so used to him being a really amazing thug. At least though he wasn't a new token black person and Ice T was still in it. I would have been gutted if in the future [which is of course timewise where I am] when I get back to London Ice T isn't in SVU any more. I also had access to the internet properly so I have gone back and illustrated the previous few days posts freshly uploaded Flickr pics. I surfed eBay for a while for my usual searches - grannie dress, granny jewellery and old medical charts. THEN THE ROBOJAM CHAMPIONSHIPS WERE ON AGAIN. Maggot did a great job again, though no cigar. Booga cleaned up yet again!

xx Lektrogirl

ROBOJAM

Every night after the kids go to bed, Chooka, Maggot, Booga and Killa Kat all come to life and the competition starts on the Playstation for ROBOJAM supremacy. We were all totally rooted last night but the second round of the competition was in full effect. It was neck and neck between Booga and Killa Kat (a childhood wrestling name) until the last round - Booga got in there with two points. This morning we are all still singing the music from the Octo-beat game.

xx Maggot

ON THE ROAD

We are driving to the shack through the bush. There has been loads of roadkill on the way. HOWEVER I saw one amazing thing - AN ECHIDNA strolling down the nature strip. We stopped for some nectarines at a stand at the side od the road. We also drove through a lot of vinyards. We are at the shack now. Later.





xx Lektrogirl

SCRABBLE

I associate Scrabble with afternoons when it is too hot to go outside and my Dad and Grandpa playing it to the death. My Dad is the worlds greatest Scrabble expert - he knows all the two letter words... Anyway I guess it comes from the fact Dad is British and he must have spent every Christmas trapped inside in the cold playing it like Alex T, Bok Bok and Manara. Here in Tasmania, we've been watching HR Pufnstuf DVD's and are getting ready to hit the beach. Oh no - family crisis - my sister can't find the IKEA bag, but she did find the missing transformer for the last set of icicle lights.

Anyway speaking of life in Tasmania I woke this morning to read an SMS from Alex T's uncle - why they were talking about Tasmania I don't know maybe Alex was talking about this amazing WAG he knows... - anyway, the SMS was a joke:
How do you know when a Tasmanian girl is on her rag?
Her blood is on her father's cock.
LOL!!!


Anyway I've been banned from talking about Alex T any more. XXCENSOREDXX told me that Alex T is only interested in 22-24yo Indie girls and I'm too old. Alex T is my real life R Kelly! I can go to sleep dreaming he'll piss on me, but in reality I'm more likely to be R Kelly's girlfriend's mother.

If I was talking about anyone else except Mr T, I'd be worried they would read it and think I was a weirdo. But this is the guy who wants to tell everyone he is a facist on Facebook. I apparently regularly freak out Prancehall (XXCENSOREDXX is the same source of info there) but I really don't mean to.

In other news, Cardinal sent me the best Xmas SMS of the season - she put a red Xmas bow round Jamals neck. Her cat is blind and probably thought she was dressing him up as Easter bunny!

xx Lektrogirl

MIDNIGHT IN HADSPEN

Ahhh at last, the house is dark and I'm alone on the sofa blogging with my phone. I cried my eyes out this morning listening to a cover of Kate Bush by the winner of Australian Idol thinking about how hard this year has been. I'm so glad it is nearly over. I had a reading from a psychic - she told me I would move house. I hope so.


Tomorrow everyone is going to the shack of Poppy and Dash - jet skis, beach, river etc. I didn't bring my bathers. I don't know if I would be allowed to sit and get wasted on Mojitos in front of the kids. So I might stay at the house and go down the creek and play on the PS2 all the kids new games before even they have.

I hope my little house is okay. I'm really missing XXCENSOREDXX which is weird cause I hardly know him but he's so funny and has such a smiley face. I also can't wait to see XXCENSOREDXX who has been teasing me mercilessly because I don't have a penis. It's not fair to tell someone you love them then in the next breath tell them it's impossible. So mean! But I'm REALLY looking forward to going to the secret brown people's gay rave in a sari with XXCENSOREDXX - best fun ever. Apparently you cant take pictures in there though cause some men are married. Finally I will be pleased to see XXCENSOREDXX if that ever happens - charming, funny and vulgar. Quite delightful.

xx Lektrogirl

XMAS DAY

Happy Christmas!


One thing I have noticed about my family is why say it when you can shout it? Why be warm when you can be curt? Why feel hurt for a moment when you can sulk for days and turn a cold shoulder and create a silence that lasts years? Also everyone seems to be covered in scabs that take months to heal (scratched spider bites) or bruises. All Australians to be exact.


Yesterday we went to Chickenfeed in Kingsmeadows. If you walk through Kingsmeadows without tattoos over your whole body you must be gay. Mullets and wrap around sunnies, tight jeans and 'thongs' (flip flops) a must. We also went to Wooworths and did some last minute grocery shopping.


Last night, Sara and I were up until like 1am - I spent 3 hours putting together a doll's house. Sara did a scooter and something else...


My brother in law is a cop and he spent his night chasing people, talking people out of comitting suicide and he came home burning from pepper spray after he had to chase a perp who had been sprayed with it and was making a run for it.

Mum gave me a DVD she had made of all the super8 movies from when we were kids and a cookbook.

xx Lektrogirl

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS

It's Christmas Eve and I'm watching Ludacris and Devon 'acting' in the movie. Now some amazing cars.


Waiting for Santa

Today Santa came by the house in a firetruck and handed out sweets to the neighbourhood kids who were in their pj's and Santa hats.



I can't concentrate on the incredible movie. More later.

xx Lektrogirl

UPDATE ON VENOM

This morning Sam and I were listening to the DJ Venom Maximum Carnage Mix and Sam said "This would be better if 'Who Let The Dogs Out' was in it."

Last night was amazing. We had a glowstick party.


Even Tucker had a good time. He is normally a really grumpy dude.


xx Lektrogirl

MUM, MEET DJ VENOM

Mum and I have been bouncing around to the DJ Venom Maximum Carnage mix that you can download here. My Mum quite liked it, some of it she said was a bit too fast but the bassline stuff she was into. [If I caught her at a dupstep party I would fucking kill her.] Yesterday I could see her out of the corner of my eye vibing to Trina's "Jealous Girls" which is a personal favourite.

My mother is pretty cool considering she is 65. She doesn't have bad legs either for a lady her age.


Anyway - the nerds are here - my neice and nephews!! Woo Hoo!! GTG.

xx Lektrogirl

LATER THAT DAY

Ahhh yes... two little lesbians. Me about 4 and my sister. This may or not be the same day that a goose but my hand. I have to say, getting goosed is really painful. Their jaw is really strong and they have almost got things like teeth. And I was just a delicate infant afterall.

I went into town today and had a look round in the antique shops there. Loads of old china [my new obsession] and in every corner it seems was another Golliwog!

Amazing hair.

I don't know what you are allowed to say or not in the UK about Golliwogs. I'm guessing nothing - tho I have seen them for sale in a special cabinet in Hamley's [Obvs the owners of Hamley's have issues. What do they think is gonna happen at night when all the lights go out? The Golliwogs are gonna race upstairs and steal Barbie's gash and make a Brats Doll?]


Before I get shanked for talking about Golliwogs I better start talking about something else... [FYI I used to have a girl black Cabbage Patch Kid and a white boy one.]Above is my new Paris brooch which is a little book with the postcards of Paris in it. The only thing that could have made this brooch better would be if it was scenes of Tasmania - then it would have had Mount Wellington, The Botanical Gardens and mini Mount Fuji, Port Arthur [where that nutter shot eveyrone], The Salmon Ponds [where they breed fish and there is slime on all the water and you can feed the salmon Twisties and they go crazy for them!], The Shot Tower [where they used to make bullets in the olden days], The Derwent Bridge [the day a boat crashed into it and people died when they drove over the edge of the bridge] and The Casino.


Then Mum and I spent the arvo gardening. I dressed for the occasion in a pale blue cotton sailor dress and leather gloves. I looked so amazing. I was out on the street pruning back this massive elm tree that was hanging too far over the fence.

Normally I would never allow myself to be photographed with my hair tied back - however this was for work purposes. I hate the idea of getting spiders in my hair. And of course we are talking about Australian spiders.

After hacking back the tree, Mum instructed me to rip out all the vine she didn't want from the side fence which isn't as easy as it sounded. I had to identify the outcast that was growing through the ivy from the jasmine which was also all mixed in and rip out the right kind. Then I had to rake the nature strip which sounds like something Swedish people do in the forest, but sadly no - in Australia some houses have the garden outside the fence we have to take care of too which really belongs to the council. Then I had to rake all the lawn where Mum had mowed it - and she is verging on being like David Beckham mowing the lawn in rows. By about this point I starting to feel very Christmassy and was thinking "Yeah this feels just like a normal Christmas. WOO HOO!!" I was quite excited. Then I had to bash in these stakes to tie back these plants. I told Mum I was going to whack her in the back of her head with the mallet for a joke. How we laughed. Then I had to use bits of rag not unlike Victorian strips [joke for Reu and Paca then! Good Times!] to tied back the apple tree. Then Mum made me cut all the dead heads off all the lavender which was amazing - the smell was incredible - not like a Granny's knicker drawer at all but really sharp and fresh lavender. I was telling Mum what a good time I had working in the garden - I grew up doing this stuff. I was really happy. So today for one moment I knew who I was.

xx Lektrogirl

MAKE MINE MEAT

Today I got sunburnt stringing up lights in the greengage and apple trees in the front garden. It was 27 degrees today with a really hot wind. I forgot about a hot wind and hot sun together. Pretty awesome. But I have pink arms now and pink cheeks. I'm going to be all freckly when I get back to London. Hopefully I will meet a man one day who thinks that is cute on someone my age. Anyway - the Christmas lights are now growing and nearly finished. I have some rope lights to put up and some more fairy lights for the front window. I was going to put the rope lights around the front door but their lead is too thick and I can't close the door properly. So that scuppered that plan. However Hobart is still the kind of place you can leave doors and windows open when you pop down to the road to pick up the papers from your neighbours house...

Apparently this evening there is going to be electrical storms. Bring it on! We have a corrugated iron roof so it will sound amazing.


Brunch was delicious. The coffee at Jackman and McRoss is INCREDIBLE. If only this place was in London. It would be great for a very casual date. Not for casual sex vibes BTW - but somewhere where you weren't sure what kind of shoes someone was gonna be wearing to the date and so you weren't sure if you liked them yet or not. YGM. Kind of like a "pre date see if you want to go on a date with them date". It would also be one of the places I would take Cardinal. It is 100% total girl gossip vibes place too. I got a text from her this morning saying she was having food and drinks at her house for Christmas. I was really missing her then! I really love my friends.


Later this arvo Mutts and I went to Coles and Kmart for some more lighting essentials [got a light up reindeer for $4!] and I also checked out all the knickers. Mid aisle I was all in a quandry. I mean - I buy all the fancy bras - and therefor the assumtion is I get the matching underwear. I have discussed this before on my blog - so sorry to go on - BUT now I am wondering if I am failing as a person for not having matching underwear and continuing with the mix and match style that I like. I was looking down the aisles really confused. My search to discover myself continues.

Then in Coles, I got stopped by two guys for photographing different food items in store. One had a pierced eyebrow and the other didn't. It would have been less embarrassing if Mum hadn't started going on with "She has grown up in this supermarket and I have been shopping here for 30 years" yada yada. They told me that I would have to ask the manager's permission to take pictures. Mum asked "Is the manager sitting there watching her on CCTV?" and the guy said "No the manager isn't even here." I tried to walk off into the potatoes but Mum was there telling them all about the things I take pictures of on my Flickr. Anyway here are some of the offending pictures:


Christmas Hams. Imagine the stomach cramps you would get if you totally stuffed yourself on these one after the other.


Dog Roll.


Kabana. Phallic. Amazing.

Anyway just for your information the photographing of all items in Coles is stricly prohibited. It makes me hate on Coles a little bit now. Anyway - gtg - I can overhear an interesting news piece on taxi drivers who rip off disabled kids by taking the long route home.

xx Lektrogirl

THUNDERSTORM

So this morning I've talked Mum into going to Jackman and McRoss for brunch. I really need a decent coffee. Maybe that is why I have a hideous headache today or the fact that I am getting work emails cc'd to my personal address.

Yesterday, I went round to the home to have a Christmas lunch with Dad, his friend Max and a University Student called Ian who goes round and visits Dad once a week to play Chess with him. Here is Dad at the end of the lunch with the table cloth on his head dressed as the Spirit of Christmas.

I had asked Alex T to come as well mid text chat - he was in Shoreditch House and I was on Clarendon Street - but unfortunately he couldn't make it. Ergh saying 'text chat' sounds dirty, but I mean it literally - not as in text BABE to 85678 to speak with girls ready for dogging in your area.


Then my Auntie Diane came over and with Mum, we went to this Spanish Tapas place in Battery Point. The tortilla was amazing. They had whitebait. I had prawns. They were really nice. They made me think of all the eating I did with Ramiro in Spain. The food there was SO amazing. A shame is girlfriend hates me so much cause I would love to go back there. LOL.


And while Mum ran and got me nails and ladders when required, Auntie Diane sucked on a cigarette giving directions, I climbed all over the front of the house hanging icicle lights from the shitty veranda, taping lights in the windows of the front of the house and hanging light up bells too. It was amazing. I only have used approximately 800 lights in the display so far. Well it needs some more grunt definitely in the display but no-one else in the adjacent houses has any display at all. So Clarendon Street and Tower Road - IT'S OFFICIAL!! Step up your game.

There is a lot of rain and thunder right at this very second but it is going to be 27 degrees today. I'm surprised my over cautious mother is even allowing me to be connected to the internet right now in case I get an electric shock. LOL. I'm being serious.

And OMG - went into Harris Scarf yesterday and saw a store full of the most giant, ugly, cake tin sized bras ever!! Unbelieveable.

xx Lektrogirl

WELCOME TO HOBART

So this is Christmas weather in Tasmania. This is also the view from the main road from the Hobart International Airport. So far I have seen Magpies and Plovers. No facier birds than that, but when I woke up this morning I heard cockatoos. No kooaburras.


Dad has had something done to his eye. He has this amazing thing over it to keep it protected. Awesome. Dad is a bit worried though cause for every procedure he has been to the Royal Hobart Hospital for they have fucked it up - and he is worried he is gonna end up blind. I don't blame him for being alarmed. Poor GA.


The Mutts always walks into the bathroom from the kitchen when you are talking to her to have a wee and sits there talking to you with the door open. To make her stop doing it, I'm going to photograph her every time she does it. She said she wouldn't normally care but she does know that I will put it on the internet.

Later she took me for dinner at this place in Moonah called Salt. If you knew Moonah when I was growing up you would find the whole thing unbelieveable. There weren't even any good chip shops there and the only place was the Pub Cooley's. Anyway through dinner Mum showed me her own gang sign she had developed without any direction from me:

WHAT A PROFESSIONAL!!
She also made me laugh today when she was checking out my Nimbuzz on my phone and I was chatting to Nameless. She saw that he had called her a rathead for stealing my Chanel slides all the time. She said "I wouldn't have thought he had time to sit there talking to me. Surely he should be spending time with his new girlfriend." I mean she was joking, but I can see where bitchy parts of my sense of humour come from. The crass part is all my father. [P.S. For anyone who might take that the wrong way - MY MOTHER WAS JOKING.]



xx Lektrogirl

CASCADE vs BOAGS

Tasmanian fighting talk from the streets.
I'll see YOU in Hobes...

xx Lektrogirl

HOT NEWS IN HOBART

Myer store fire shuts down Hobart centre



A massive fire is burning through a Myer department store in Hobart, threatening surrounding buildings in the CBD.
It is understood that one floor of the multi-storey building in Liverpool Street has collapsed.
Roads surrounding the area have been closed to traffic and pedestrians have been banned from entering a police exclusion zone for safety reasons.
It is understood the blaze started around 3.30pm (AEST) on Saturday.
A massive plume of thick, black smoke hung over the building late on Saturday afternoon as the blaze intensified, forcing fire crews to back away from the Liverpool street area.
There have been no reports of injuries at this stage.
Police said the Liverpool St part of the building had been destroyed and the roof had collapsed.
The building is one of Tasmania's most historic, dating back to 1836.
Fire crews from all over the city were attending the blaze and a large part of the CBD had been evacuated, a police spokesman said.
Shoppers fled the fire as the large department store was engulfed in flames.
A Tasmanian Police spokeswoman said shoppers and staff were evacuated from the busy department store on the corner of Liverpool and Murray streets.
"Fire crews are attempting to stop the fire from spreading to nearby buildings," the spokeswoman said.
"There are no injuries from the fire. All customers and staff were safely evacuated."
It is not known how many people were in the building before the blaze took hold.
"There is nothing to indicate at this stage that the fire was suspicious," the spokeswoman said.

I just gave Mum a weekend morning call and she was telling about how there was a black out last night at home and it blew her modem. I was trying to convince her to get wireless [cause I'm gonna be there with my laptop at Christmas of course.] I was asking why she let me marry an asshole and she cut me off with the news that Myer was on fire at the very moment we were talking which is far more interesting news than only the last three years of my tortured life. Myer has been with me for much much longer.

Myer is the "posh" department store in town - they sell POLO by Ralph Lauren for men there and they are probably amongst the most expensive shirts you can buy in town. Tho' I didn't check over the road in Routley's to check the competition. They also have this massive stair case up through the central section of the part of the store that is burning down which terrified me from a very young age. They are the kind of stairs that you can see through on the riser part of each step. I used to be terrified of heights when I was little and I used to scream all the way up these stairs. When they still sold vinyl, they had a really good sale bin section there where I got all my Stock Aitken and Waterman stable hits from in there. I'm sure all the other stores in town are rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of the boost in sales for them at Christmas time cause it sounds like the store is wrecked, but it is a worry for all the staff members who were lucky to get a job in Hobart anyway. What are they gonna do now?

xx Lektrogirl

Home Again.

Home again and feeling very weird. My ears are totally messed up and my balance is gone. Today I went flying after tripping on a stone or the pavement or whatever and landed on my side in front of two black women and their kids. The women were saying "Sorry! Sorry!" to me and I could help but think "How bloody British is that for them to apologise!" I blinked back the tears and told them I was fine. But you should see my knee. Awesome brusing.

So, here are some fond memories to share with you from my trip home:

A common sight in any store that plays loud music.


In this video you get to hear my mother who was filming the kids. Apparently Chloe didn't hurt her head a bit even though she did make contact with the wall.

My trip home also gave me 100% "Babe-Hair" [a term courtesy of Pippa Brooks]

Here Sam was taking my portrait.

I was also lucky enough to be present when Sam used the F word for the first time ever.

What a bogan.

It is clear that Brains missed me a lot. As soon as he got to my appartment after work he said "What's for dinner?" As I was pretty out for the count, I made him organise it. And besides, I still haven't forgiven him for this:


I also heard about this 'amazing' sounding town in Tasmania called Rossarden. Rossarden is the crime capital of Tasmania and all the most hardend crooks have gravitated there and totally run the town. Nobody wants to drive through there and even the cops avoid it. It is a one road in and out kind of town. Apparently, the locals of Rossarden decided they didn't want the local shop any more so they burnt it down. The petrol station was also unwanted to that was burnt to the ground too. A few locals were forced to leave, and those that wouldn't go, were buried six foot under.

Tonight my friend Gijs is in town. He makes amazing web projects and circuit bent stuff. More about him later if I can make it out to dinner tonight.

xx Lektrogirl

Holiday's Over

Yesterday I got my period in the middle of Big W and had a massive fight with my nephew in the women's underwear section over his new baseball hat he was using for a football. I'm still in Hobart until tomorrow then back up to Launceston for a day before I leave for my plane home. Sam and I have made friends, but my wages still have not cleared so I have been here totally skint unable to have much fun. Hopefully I will be in my account by the time my plane touches down at Heathrow cause I didn't bring my Oyster Card. If anyone wants to meet me there and help me get home let me know.

The G.A. tells a joke

On the way into town today to change some money, I visited Dad. I got an urgent text from him saying "Get here immediately. I need some help on the computer." What he really wanted was someone to help him unpack the deliveries for his tuck shop.

While I did that he was checking through all the stock on the invoice. He can do maths in his head quicker than anyone I know. We discussed business and he was asking me what exactly I did at my job and he was telling me what all the best sellers were at the tuck shop. It was just like old days when I used to go and help Dad out in the garage and shoot the shit.
Dad made a great joke:

Q: What is this?
A: A lesbian with a hard-on.

After schlepping all the boxes of Ginger Beer and Turkish Delight and giving Dad all the info he needed off the boxes for his pricings [TOTAL task master!!] I was a bit hungry so I decided to go to this local bakery for lunch called Jackman and Mc Ross.

I can't think of a local bakery as good as this anywhere in London. All this was $12. Which is a bit less than 5 pounds.

xx Lektrogirl

Meet my family

I woke up this morning feeling a bit odd. Now I felt properly ill but I think that is because the first thing I ate was the last of the bag of cheese Twisties I started last night.

Yesterday I went round to Barrington to visit Dad and have a morning coffee with him. This is Dad's room:

Dad used to be in another home called The Gardens that had women as well as men staying there. Barrington used to be just for guys and now there are a few women there. Dad hated The Gardens cause he hated all the old women. Some of them had amputated legs. His major gripe with the old women was that they only had their illnesses to talk about - he'd be trying to eat his dinner and some old bird would start going on about her bowel cancer. He really became unhappy there. Once Dad got moved to Barrington he got much better. He runs the tuck shop [he doesn't serve anyone who dribbles and gives chocolate away to the little kids visiting their grandparents] has his own garden and has a best friend called Max. Like Dad, Max has had a stroke but he is still able to walk pretty easily, unlike Dad. Max's biggest problem is that he cannot read or write anymore or say anything else other than "Yep" or "No". The pair of them are hilarious.

This is a rare picture of my father without his mobile phone in his good hand.

After visiting The G.A. Mum and I went to the New Town Nursery cause she wanted to look for some plants. We walked home along the bike track which runs parallel with the train tracks that run directly behind my old house. On the way, I saw this:

and had to take some time to explain to my mother what a bong is.
She said "Oh it is one of those things druggies use."
I said, "Yeah but people who use bongs aren't really druggies Mum."
She said "Yes I suppose it is all those people in those third rate countries use them."
I said, "Don't you mean third world?"
After that I didn't really know what to say next. I think she meant hooka pipes. But Lord only knows really.

This is my mum:

I think I will get the bus into town later to see how little everything has changed. Tomorrow we are going to Launceston to see my sisters new house and see my neice and two nephews. This is what the oldest, Sam, and I did when I saw him last year.

What a retard! But a cute one.

xx Lektrogirl