Sunday, 30 December 2007

LIFE IN SINGAPORE

My plane was fine and everything was fine. I was fine. Until I learnt that some shit stirrer has been posting comments posing as other people. Unfortunately because of this, I have anonymous blogging off and only people with OpenID can post. Boo.

And whoever you are who thinks that is funny, I don't hate Heather. And I might be over Paul, but I don't hate him either. So you can fuck off whoever you are.

Kindest Regards

one incredibly jetlagged old witch who is only half way to England.

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LAST SUCK OF THE SAV

So today is the last day and I fly from Launceston back to Melbourne at 21:30 tonight for hopefully a 0:50 flight to London.

Today it is just 28 degrees inside. You Get Me. I certainly haven't had enough of the weather. I'm just looking at my scarf and woolly hat thinking OMG.


When the kids scream and get retarded, this is certainly wearing a bit thin. I also have a zero tolerance for kids messing around. Maybe if I had three of my own and had been dealing with them for the last 6 years I would feel differently. My poor sister really has to work hard with them sometimes. A lot of the time they are amazing:


I only ever got two Valentine's day cards in my life. One from a revolting Irish Catholic pig who I hate. The worst boyfriend I ever had ever. It has some frog on it and it was about jumping into bed. Ergh. I hate him. The other was from my German friend LudiLu who sent me a New Years card as a Valentine's day card after I MySpaced everyone to send me something. Anyway - this letter from my nephew is amazing.


He made me this too. A shame I'm not a teenage Indie kids cause I would probably find more ways to wear it - but as I am in Chanel flop flops, I'm freckly and walking around all screwface cause I'm blind when I take my glasses off and my sunnies on I think to wear the plastic bracelet made from beads extruded by Chinese children I think is okay for now.


An artist.

And here is the ute he wants when he growns up. He says all the time we drive past it what a sweet ute it is.


And this is the shop he will buy his motorbike from:

See that little girl outside? She was actually polishing the bikes. Bogans start young here. I also think that the definitely spelling of "braaap" is finalised, once and for all with this picture.

BRAAAP

xx Lektrogirl

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Saturday, 29 December 2007

WOE IS ME


It is the last night I spend here in Tasmania and while I hear tales of fisticuffs at the residences' of gentlemen back in London, things have turned sour here too. I accidently slammed my nephews head the the car door in the Kmart car park. It was a stinking day with hot winds and everyone had hot tempers and Sam and I both ended up crying. Me for much longer on a bench outside my sisters house in the wind with tears streaming down my face all about everything and nothing.


Also my exbroken leg from the car accident has been aching all day like crazy. I knew it was gonna rain and it has just started now. It is so weird how that happens.


Today on the way to the raspberry farm, we drove past dozens of poppy fields. Pharmaceutical companies grow them here just in open fields it is a huge business for Tasmania but it is all a huge illegal drug industry too. Each district has a 4 person Poppy Patrol to patrol the fields. How this is effective I don't know because the fields grow right up to the side of the road and are open access to anyone with signs saying "Entry prohibited" and there are loads of fields everywhere. (Mind you - the youth detention centre only just got a real security fence put round it recently when they got sick of kids escaping. Again - highway right nearby. Big scandal recently was staff at the centre were n big trouble for downloading porn onto computers at their workstations. Anyway...) So back to the Poppies. I asked my brothewr in law about the Poppies cause he used to patrol it and he said that people stole crops all the time. But now dummy crops are now mixed in with real crops so that if they are stolen, processed and used the same way as the real stuff in fact the dummy crop will be fatal - you will die. Amazing! Also co-incidentally today we say my B-I-L on patrol at the scene of a major accident and waved to him from the car on the way to the raspberry farm. Some car had decided to do a u-turn in the highway and some other car jack knifed it and there road was blocked and there was a hugh smash up. No-one died though. That would have been gross.

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 28 December 2007

SAM MEETS DJ VENOM

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MECHANICAL BOY



I used to be so in love with Jimmy when I was little. And now I am just in love with the concept of a Mechanical Boy.

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 27 December 2007

HOLIDAY

I found out last night I don't have to be back at work until the 7th January. Amazing only a little bit of a bummer cause I can't change my ticket home cause the flights are fully booked. Boo hoo me. I think I will either go to Paris for a few days, or re-tile the bathroom and put in a shower. Both are as exciting as far as I am concerned but not sure which it is gonna be. I'll see if Venom can help me with the bathroom or maybe Cardinal has some advice.

Sara Manara called me a BRAT because of my birthday cake! LOL! I'm gonna get her when I get home. I told my mother about it and she said "I think your friend Sara is going to be a good friend of mine." Favouritism!

It's cold today. I think I have to wear jeans. And we are taking down the Christmas lights.

This morning we watched the DVD from the kids dance recital. The best part was when Sara told me about one little girl who's mother went to school with her husband: The mother got caught at school giving blow jobs to the boys in the school toilets. Of course we had to spell out most of the sentence. The kids were there.

The other thing is my neice and nephews think boys come out of the stomach and girls come out of the 'giney' cause they were all born that way. I love that. Also in the car yesterday we were driving along and the kids were reeling off all the oldies that they knew. Thankfully they said I was a youngie. But they said that "Nameless is an oldie cause he is a baldie." Which is hilarious cause he is younger than me and he used to be totally addicted to a PS game called Baldies. The other thing that makes me laugh - well I laugh at anything - is when they ask for nudie bread - bread with just margarine or when they hit themselves by accident. Oh no - the best joke is one that Tom and I have. I sniff and he says "It was me!" even if it wasn't.

What was not funny this morning was getting woken up by Kookaburras.

xx Lektrogirl

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A SWISS VILLAGE IN TASMANIA

That is right - I'm not on crack - or even opium or whatever it is they grow in fields legally around here. There is a Swiss Village in the north of the state that was build by Ralf Voss, who used to own a 'huge' [relatively] chain of supermarkets here in Tasmania. It is called Grindlewald and I even bought the cap!


We all played Krazy Golf and it was great fun until about the 10th hole and two of the kids had a screaming fit and had to be carried off to the swings by their mother. The rest of us continued. OMG - I'm getting a bit tired of the screaming - but the golf was so much fun! It was seriously sunny today and my sister forced me to use sunscreen. I was loving it! I wanted to frazzle myself.


We went to the beach the day before - Boxing Day - for a friendly game of cricket. It was sunny and probably about 19 or 20 degrees but we were all complaining about how cold it was. I even had to resort to wearing a beanie back at the shack for extra warmth - I turned a Sonia Rykiel hat into a total bogan steelo! Uneblieveable but true!! CIO!!


I'm so sorry Pippa. I will never post this on the Maison B site.


Apparently someone or other sucked good cock down at the beach too.


Amd meet my sister Sara. She is the toughest bitch on the planet. She is amazing. I love her. She used to do stuff when we were little like get a big black marker pen and write MY name all over the furniture then Mum would see it and I would get into trouble for it cause Mum would say "Your sister is too little to think of something as clever as that."

I spent the rest of today watching Law and Order: Special victions Unit - Antoine Mitchell from The Shield was in it AS A COP which was really disturbing cause I'm so used to him being a really amazing thug. At least though he wasn't a new token black person and Ice T was still in it. I would have been gutted if in the future [which is of course timewise where I am] when I get back to London Ice T isn't in SVU any more. I also had access to the internet properly so I have gone back and illustrated the previous few days posts freshly uploaded Flickr pics. I surfed eBay for a while for my usual searches - grannie dress, granny jewellery and old medical charts. THEN THE ROBOJAM CHAMPIONSHIPS WERE ON AGAIN. Maggot did a great job again, though no cigar. Booga cleaned up yet again!

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 26 December 2007

ROBOJAM

Every night after the kids go to bed, Chooka, Maggot, Booga and Killa Kat all come to life and the competition starts on the Playstation for ROBOJAM supremacy. We were all totally rooted last night but the second round of the competition was in full effect. It was neck and neck between Booga and Killa Kat (a childhood wrestling name) until the last round - Booga got in there with two points. This morning we are all still singing the music from the Octo-beat game.

xx Maggot

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ON THE ROAD


We are driving to the shack through the bush. There has been loads of roadkill on the way. HOWEVER I saw one amazing thing - AN ECHIDNA strolling down the nature strip. We stopped for some nectarines at a stand at the side od the road. We also drove through a lot of vinyards. We are at the shack now. Later.





xx Lektrogirl

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SCRABBLE


I associate Scrabble with afternoons when it is too hot to go outside and my Dad and Grandpa playing it to the death. My Dad is the worlds greatest Scrabble expert - he knows all the two letter words... Anyway I guess it comes from the fact Dad is British and he must have spent every Christmas trapped inside in the cold playing it like Alex T, Bok Bok and Manara. Here in Tasmania, we've been watching HR Pufnstuf DVD's and are getting ready to hit the beach. Oh no - family crisis - my sister can't find the IKEA bag, but she did find the missing transformer for the last set of icicle lights.

Anyway speaking of life in Tasmania I woke this morning to read an SMS from Alex T's uncle - why they were talking about Tasmania I don't know maybe Alex was talking about this amazing WAG he knows... - anyway, the SMS was a joke:
How do you know when a Tasmanian girl is on her rag?
Her blood is on her father's cock.
LOL!!!


Anyway I've been banned from talking about Alex T any more. XXCENSOREDXX told me that Alex T is only interested in 22-24yo Indie girls and I'm too old. Alex T is my real life R Kelly! I can go to sleep dreaming he'll piss on me, but in reality I'm more likely to be R Kelly's girlfriend's mother.

If I was talking about anyone else except Mr T, I'd be worried they would read it and think I was a weirdo. But this is the guy who wants to tell everyone he is a facist on Facebook. I apparently regularly freak out Prancehall (XXCENSOREDXX is the same source of info there) but I really don't mean to.

In other news, Cardinal sent me the best Xmas SMS of the season - she put a red Xmas bow round Jamals neck. Her cat is blind and probably thought she was dressing him up as Easter bunny!

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 25 December 2007

MIDNIGHT IN HADSPEN

Ahhh at last, the house is dark and I'm alone on the sofa blogging with my phone. I cried my eyes out this morning listening to a cover of Kate Bush by the winner of Australian Idol thinking about how hard this year has been. I'm so glad it is nearly over. I had a reading from a psychic - she told me I would move house. I hope so.


Tomorrow everyone is going to the shack of Poppy and Dash - jet skis, beach, river etc. I didn't bring my bathers. I don't know if I would be allowed to sit and get wasted on Mojitos in front of the kids. So I might stay at the house and go down the creek and play on the PS2 all the kids new games before even they have.

I hope my little house is okay. I'm really missing XXCENSOREDXX which is weird cause I hardly know him but he's so funny and has such a smiley face. I also can't wait to see XXCENSOREDXX who has been teasing me mercilessly because I don't have a penis. It's not fair to tell someone you love them then in the next breath tell them it's impossible. So mean! But I'm REALLY looking forward to going to the secret brown people's gay rave in a sari with XXCENSOREDXX - best fun ever. Apparently you cant take pictures in there though cause some men are married. Finally I will be pleased to see XXCENSOREDXX if that ever happens - charming, funny and vulgar. Quite delightful.

xx Lektrogirl

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XMAS DAY

Happy Christmas!


One thing I have noticed about my family is why say it when you can shout it? Why be warm when you can be curt? Why feel hurt for a moment when you can sulk for days and turn a cold shoulder and create a silence that lasts years? Also everyone seems to be covered in scabs that take months to heal (scratched spider bites) or bruises. All Australians to be exact.


Yesterday we went to Chickenfeed in Kingsmeadows. If you walk through Kingsmeadows without tattoos over your whole body you must be gay. Mullets and wrap around sunnies, tight jeans and 'thongs' (flip flops) a must. We also went to Wooworths and did some last minute grocery shopping.


Last night, Sara and I were up until like 1am - I spent 3 hours putting together a doll's house. Sara did a scooter and something else...


My brother in law is a cop and he spent his night chasing people, talking people out of comitting suicide and he came home burning from pepper spray after he had to chase a perp who had been sprayed with it and was making a run for it.

Mum gave me a DVD she had made of all the super8 movies from when we were kids and a cookbook.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 24 December 2007

2 FAST 2 FURIOUS

It's Christmas Eve and I'm watching Ludacris and Devon 'acting' in the movie. Now some amazing cars.


Waiting for Santa

Today Santa came by the house in a firetruck and handed out sweets to the neighbourhood kids who were in their pj's and Santa hats.



I can't concentrate on the incredible movie. More later.

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 21 December 2007

UPDATE ON VENOM


This morning Sam and I were listening to the DJ Venom Maximum Carnage Mix and Sam said "This would be better if 'Who Let The Dogs Out' was in it."

Last night was amazing. We had a glowstick party.


Even Tucker had a good time. He is normally a really grumpy dude.


xx Lektrogirl

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MUM, MEET DJ VENOM


Mum and I have been bouncing around to the DJ Venom Maximum Carnage mix that you can download here. My Mum quite liked it, some of it she said was a bit too fast but the bassline stuff she was into. [If I caught her at a dupstep party I would fucking kill her.] Yesterday I could see her out of the corner of my eye vibing to Trina's "Jealous Girls" which is a personal favourite.

My mother is pretty cool considering she is 65. She doesn't have bad legs either for a lady her age.


Anyway - the nerds are here - my neice and nephews!! Woo Hoo!! GTG.

xx Lektrogirl

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LATER THAT DAY


Ahhh yes... two little lesbians. Me about 4 and my sister. This may or not be the same day that a goose but my hand. I have to say, getting goosed is really painful. Their jaw is really strong and they have almost got things like teeth. And I was just a delicate infant afterall.

I went into town today and had a look round in the antique shops there. Loads of old china [my new obsession] and in every corner it seems was another Golliwog!

Amazing hair.

I don't know what you are allowed to say or not in the UK about Golliwogs. I'm guessing nothing - tho I have seen them for sale in a special cabinet in Hamley's [Obvs the owners of Hamley's have issues. What do they think is gonna happen at night when all the lights go out? The Golliwogs are gonna race upstairs and steal Barbie's gash and make a Brats Doll?]


Before I get shanked for talking about Golliwogs I better start talking about something else... [FYI I used to have a girl black Cabbage Patch Kid and a white boy one.]Above is my new Paris brooch which is a little book with the postcards of Paris in it. The only thing that could have made this brooch better would be if it was scenes of Tasmania - then it would have had Mount Wellington, The Botanical Gardens and mini Mount Fuji, Port Arthur [where that nutter shot eveyrone], The Salmon Ponds [where they breed fish and there is slime on all the water and you can feed the salmon Twisties and they go crazy for them!], The Shot Tower [where they used to make bullets in the olden days], The Derwent Bridge [the day a boat crashed into it and people died when they drove over the edge of the bridge] and The Casino.


Then Mum and I spent the arvo gardening. I dressed for the occasion in a pale blue cotton sailor dress and leather gloves. I looked so amazing. I was out on the street pruning back this massive elm tree that was hanging too far over the fence.

Normally I would never allow myself to be photographed with my hair tied back - however this was for work purposes. I hate the idea of getting spiders in my hair. And of course we are talking about Australian spiders.

After hacking back the tree, Mum instructed me to rip out all the vine she didn't want from the side fence which isn't as easy as it sounded. I had to identify the outcast that was growing through the ivy from the jasmine which was also all mixed in and rip out the right kind. Then I had to rake the nature strip which sounds like something Swedish people do in the forest, but sadly no - in Australia some houses have the garden outside the fence we have to take care of too which really belongs to the council. Then I had to rake all the lawn where Mum had mowed it - and she is verging on being like David Beckham mowing the lawn in rows. By about this point I starting to feel very Christmassy and was thinking "Yeah this feels just like a normal Christmas. WOO HOO!!" I was quite excited. Then I had to bash in these stakes to tie back these plants. I told Mum I was going to whack her in the back of her head with the mallet for a joke. How we laughed. Then I had to use bits of rag not unlike Victorian strips [joke for Reu and Paca then! Good Times!] to tied back the apple tree. Then Mum made me cut all the dead heads off all the lavender which was amazing - the smell was incredible - not like a Granny's knicker drawer at all but really sharp and fresh lavender. I was telling Mum what a good time I had working in the garden - I grew up doing this stuff. I was really happy. So today for one moment I knew who I was.

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 20 December 2007

MOIN MOIN

I wish I could say I was awake at 5.30am because of jetlag but I got to tell you that some genius has a fucking rooster in the neighbourhood. Yesterday I accidently cut my foot. Blood etc. Still haven't seen my neice and nephews yet. I hope to make it down to Salamanca today cause my Auntie told me where I can get bakelite jewellery from. XXCENSOREDXX has banned me from talking about XXCENSOREDXX any more. I want another coffee from Jackman and McRoss. They don't open til like 7am though which is hours away. YGM. Long.

xx Lektrogirl

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GRANNY FANNY

MAKE MINE MEAT


Today I got sunburnt stringing up lights in the greengage and apple trees in the front garden. It was 27 degrees today with a really hot wind. I forgot about a hot wind and hot sun together. Pretty awesome. But I have pink arms now and pink cheeks. I'm going to be all freckly when I get back to London. Hopefully I will meet a man one day who thinks that is cute on someone my age. Anyway - the Christmas lights are now growing and nearly finished. I have some rope lights to put up and some more fairy lights for the front window. I was going to put the rope lights around the front door but their lead is too thick and I can't close the door properly. So that scuppered that plan. However Hobart is still the kind of place you can leave doors and windows open when you pop down to the road to pick up the papers from your neighbours house...

Apparently this evening there is going to be electrical storms. Bring it on! We have a corrugated iron roof so it will sound amazing.


Brunch was delicious. The coffee at Jackman and McRoss is INCREDIBLE. If only this place was in London. It would be great for a very casual date. Not for casual sex vibes BTW - but somewhere where you weren't sure what kind of shoes someone was gonna be wearing to the date and so you weren't sure if you liked them yet or not. YGM. Kind of like a "pre date see if you want to go on a date with them date". It would also be one of the places I would take Cardinal. It is 100% total girl gossip vibes place too. I got a text from her this morning saying she was having food and drinks at her house for Christmas. I was really missing her then! I really love my friends.


Later this arvo Mutts and I went to Coles and Kmart for some more lighting essentials [got a light up reindeer for $4!] and I also checked out all the knickers. Mid aisle I was all in a quandry. I mean - I buy all the fancy bras - and therefor the assumtion is I get the matching underwear. I have discussed this before on my blog - so sorry to go on - BUT now I am wondering if I am failing as a person for not having matching underwear and continuing with the mix and match style that I like. I was looking down the aisles really confused. My search to discover myself continues.

Then in Coles, I got stopped by two guys for photographing different food items in store. One had a pierced eyebrow and the other didn't. It would have been less embarrassing if Mum hadn't started going on with "She has grown up in this supermarket and I have been shopping here for 30 years" yada yada. They told me that I would have to ask the manager's permission to take pictures. Mum asked "Is the manager sitting there watching her on CCTV?" and the guy said "No the manager isn't even here." I tried to walk off into the potatoes but Mum was there telling them all about the things I take pictures of on my Flickr. Anyway here are some of the offending pictures:


Christmas Hams. Imagine the stomach cramps you would get if you totally stuffed yourself on these one after the other.


Dog Roll.


Kabana. Phallic. Amazing.

Anyway just for your information the photographing of all items in Coles is stricly prohibited. It makes me hate on Coles a little bit now. Anyway - gtg - I can overhear an interesting news piece on taxi drivers who rip off disabled kids by taking the long route home.

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 19 December 2007

THUNDERSTORM

So this morning I've talked Mum into going to Jackman and McRoss for brunch. I really need a decent coffee. Maybe that is why I have a hideous headache today or the fact that I am getting work emails cc'd to my personal address.

Yesterday, I went round to the home to have a Christmas lunch with Dad, his friend Max and a University Student called Ian who goes round and visits Dad once a week to play Chess with him. Here is Dad at the end of the lunch with the table cloth on his head dressed as the Spirit of Christmas.

I had asked Alex T to come as well mid text chat - he was in Shoreditch House and I was on Clarendon Street - but unfortunately he couldn't make it. Ergh saying 'text chat' sounds dirty, but I mean it literally - not as in text BABE to 85678 to speak with girls ready for dogging in your area.


Then my Auntie Diane came over and with Mum, we went to this Spanish Tapas place in Battery Point. The tortilla was amazing. They had whitebait. I had prawns. They were really nice. They made me think of all the eating I did with Ramiro in Spain. The food there was SO amazing. A shame is girlfriend hates me so much cause I would love to go back there. LOL.


And while Mum ran and got me nails and ladders when required, Auntie Diane sucked on a cigarette giving directions, I climbed all over the front of the house hanging icicle lights from the shitty veranda, taping lights in the windows of the front of the house and hanging light up bells too. It was amazing. I only have used approximately 800 lights in the display so far. Well it needs some more grunt definitely in the display but no-one else in the adjacent houses has any display at all. So Clarendon Street and Tower Road - IT'S OFFICIAL!! Step up your game.

There is a lot of rain and thunder right at this very second but it is going to be 27 degrees today. I'm surprised my over cautious mother is even allowing me to be connected to the internet right now in case I get an electric shock. LOL. I'm being serious.

And OMG - went into Harris Scarf yesterday and saw a store full of the most giant, ugly, cake tin sized bras ever!! Unbelieveable.

xx Lektrogirl

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KKK BITCH

Until someone uploads a decent quality version of the song KKK Bitch by Ice T to YouTube, we will all have to make do with this



Let's All Chant by the Michael Zager Band.

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 18 December 2007

WELCOME TO HOBART


So this is Christmas weather in Tasmania. This is also the view from the main road from the Hobart International Airport. So far I have seen Magpies and Plovers. No facier birds than that, but when I woke up this morning I heard cockatoos. No kooaburras.


Dad has had something done to his eye. He has this amazing thing over it to keep it protected. Awesome. Dad is a bit worried though cause for every procedure he has been to the Royal Hobart Hospital for they have fucked it up - and he is worried he is gonna end up blind. I don't blame him for being alarmed. Poor GA.


The Mutts always walks into the bathroom from the kitchen when you are talking to her to have a wee and sits there talking to you with the door open. To make her stop doing it, I'm going to photograph her every time she does it. She said she wouldn't normally care but she does know that I will put it on the internet.

Later she took me for dinner at this place in Moonah called Salt. If you knew Moonah when I was growing up you would find the whole thing unbelieveable. There weren't even any good chip shops there and the only place was the Pub Cooley's. Anyway through dinner Mum showed me her own gang sign she had developed without any direction from me:

WHAT A PROFESSIONAL!!
She also made me laugh today when she was checking out my Nimbuzz on my phone and I was chatting to Nameless. She saw that he had called her a rathead for stealing my Chanel slides all the time. She said "I wouldn't have thought he had time to sit there talking to me. Surely he should be spending time with his new girlfriend." I mean she was joking, but I can see where bitchy parts of my sense of humour come from. The crass part is all my father. [P.S. For anyone who might take that the wrong way - MY MOTHER WAS JOKING.]



xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 17 December 2007

STILL WAITING

Well at least I have found a real computer now that my phone has really died. I am so tired and my whole body has swollen from the long flight. I have my first chance here at the airport to look around and see what Australians look like again. They look really weird. Do I look weird? Do I look Australian? Well I'm not Thai, Chink, Viet, Jap, Tongan, Iti, Greek or any of these Australians. I haven't seen any black people = only islanders.

I have two weeks to learn

WHO AM I?



xx Lektrogirl

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MELBOURNE AIRPORT

Quick check. it's quick!

that was a joke for the only other person who will think that's funny.

i also cant believe I wrote Armani wrong.

xx Lektrogirl

STILL IN SINGAPORE


Eurgh. A day behind schedule, seen the inside of another hotel room here in Singapore, tired and annoyed. Saw Singapore in the drive from the taxi window - it looks a lot like America - 7 Eleven, Starbucks, Burger King EVERYWHERE, with more tropical trees, no black people and not trash on the ground either. There are loads of appartment blocks like the suburbs of Paris, but they are all painted cuteli spatzli like buildings in Zurich with pastel colours. Again super super clean. I have been paranoid about blowing my nose in public outside the airport. Have I got the right country?

If I ever make it home, I will let you know. As it stands, my flight is now 9pm tonight and Mum has bought me another flight to get to Tasmania. Cause there were nearly no seats left... Imagine getting stuck in Melbourne too.

Okay so now Im gonna hit the Singapore Duty Free!! Something to do...

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. L'il Peep Peep I'm using the FREE INTERNET tables we used before near the Rendang Beef Burger King. All this bad carpet everywhere makes me think of you!!

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Sunday, 16 December 2007

LIFT OFF (here's hoping)


Phone nearly dead - at airport, email from dad who raed blog - doesnt know what a minge is OMG, bought some chanel flip flops to make up for a night of misery. Mum said i can use her credit card to buy the new connecting flight in melbourne. Got a box of free chocolates as an apology for the delay.

xx Lektrogirl

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POSITIVE SIDE TO H.M.L.


My plane to Australia got cancelled! H.M.L. !!! But we all have to stay in a Premier Inn til tomorrow for the next flight. Roxy said I can try and lengthen my trip if need be. So ace. Then I was at the buffet trying to gag down some food. It was really fucking bad. Manara already challenged me to take great pics for my flickr but ones of my minge don't count.

So I took one of hers instead. In the middle of me seafood rice was a screwed up tight little furry mussel I pulled out and started snapping with my camera. These two Asian dudes in plastic gloves and messy aprons came over asking me if everything was okay and if there was a problem with my food. I looked at them like they were retards and said "Have you guys heard of flickr? I'm on holiday" They apologised and left me but kept staring. I couldn't eat any more. The food was revolting. So i went up to them and showed them the picture and said "don't worry guys, this is for my friend Sara. I'm sending it to her cause it looks like her minge." The Chinese Asian knew what I meant. The Indian one didn't. LOL.

xx Lektrogirl

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Saturday, 15 December 2007

MIDDLE AGED


I'm in Heathrow terminal 3 waiting for my gate to get called. Boring. It's late and already all the flights for tomorrow morning are on the screens. What morning am I gonna be in when I get half way there... I had a sick feeling of middle age creeping on me when I caught myself checking out the Armarni sheer lipstick in the duty free section while wearing a cardigan from Toast. Though I haven't quite tipped myself over the edge when I realised how much I was hating the Julie London Christmas carols getting played. There are a lot of Muzzies around too btw.

Speaking of Christmas, to humour myself I was thinking of getting Mum the Sarah Jessica Parker perfume duty free but it would kill her. It would also kill me to buy a product with such horrible ads endorsed by such a horror head. Dior has the amazing Christmas bauble lipgloss again. I'm saving the duty free spending to Singapore though just for something to do.

God - I feel like I've typed for ages on my phone but it was just a couple of minutes. If only my life was more exciting like the guys closing up TGI Friday's - they are having a burpiong competition. i'm just sitting here watching a clock. I should have brought my DS to play Sudoko or something...

xx Lektrogirl

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BRITISH CHRISTMAS IS STILL STRANGE

Im sitting in the middle of the Hot Breath Christmas Party. It is obviously amazing cause I'm sitting here blog... Venom and I are comparing notes. I have to be honest and say British Christmas seems really weird - like George and Mildred. I don't really feel like I belong. But then my thoughts are already in Australia. Well I mean of course I belong - I'm surrounded by babes like Alex T and Cardinal and coke dick Venom - well maybe it is cause I'm worked to death right now and JoJo and her baby came into the studio and had liquid shits that nearly escaped through his babygro onto me. Roxy and Katharine both gaveme some beautiful jewellery today! So gorgeous.

This is so weird. i've just watched Alex T in a really animated conversation with some girl but backing away from her the whole time, and he's circumnavigated the table and now has is ass in my shoulder and his elbow in my ear. Oh a chair just collapsed. He is taking care of things like a man.

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 12 December 2007

TWO FUNNY JOKES IN TWO DAYS

I wonder if you will possibly find this funny?


At the work Christmas dinner, Jo and I said cheers across the table - I had A Quiet American and Jo had a Mango Martini - and as the glasses clinked, Jo said with her R'N'B VIP room voice "To PIMPING!!!" I cried laughing.

It was the funniest thing. She knows P Diddy, Busta Rhymes, ummm... I can't remember - but she fucked her liver working in event promotion.


Here she is in a chopper in Vegas


Here she is knowing about Pimping.


And here is P. Diddy trying to get Jo's attention with clumps of deodorant under his arm. He shouldn't use teen spirit.

Anyway the other funny joke was made by my old old friend Reuben from the old old days when I first came to London. I lived on their living room floor for a while and kept all my belongings in the world under their coffee table. Anyway - I was at the pub at the end of my street with Reuben and Pascale and Reuben was talking about a gang of Italian men he had seen that day. He was describing their outfits and was kind of focusing on their shoes for a while, but then he got to their dinky man bags which he described as "tumbled leather". TUMBLED LEATHER!!! I feel off the chair laughing. God I forgot what it was like to have such esoteric talks about fashion. Reuben kept saying it over and over and I was pissing myself. Obvs you have to walk in high fashion circles like me to understand what that means. For people like Prancehall and Venom who will need to have it explained - think back to the fashion picks I took of Ruff Sqwad and the little vinyl NIKE bag that looked like a hairdryer case one of them had. Imagine it made from leather, then washed in the machine with a rock. That is tumbled leather. And truss me, that is really funny. No-one but Italians wear tumbled leather.

Speaking of real snappy dressers, here are too boys that haven't made an appearance on my blog for a while - Pippa's kids Joe and Duke! Aren't they growing up!!!

Though making them dress up like towel heads and parading them round town Pippa probably isnt the most PC thing to be doing. After all apparently Christmas isn't Muslim enough these days but it is okay to dress little kids up like foreigners... What? Nativity what?! Oh! I get it... Ooops.


To Pimping.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. Guess which HOTTIE voted Pippa Brooks his number one MILF recently?!!

WAKEY WAKEY

I woke up this morning after the most weird dreams I have had for a long time. Basically, Prancehall and I became friends like true playas and his family lived under my appartment. I had really luxurious cream carpet. Even so, I could hear Prancehall or his father coughing through the floorboards. Then I was in this large place like a school - it was like my college in Tasmania but the rooms had been upgraded since I was there. I went into the toilet and my mother had written this note about the toilet paper blocking the toilets and there was bloody toilet paper wrapped around the handle for flushing the toilet. Later I walked in on Prancehall who had just done his own poo while talking to Venom who was just in a little cupboard room next door. I told Prancehall to flush the toilet. It was full of poo and blood and paper. Anyway - then through the rest of the dream where I was waiting for Roxy to get her laptop, talking on the phone and then he appeared in front of me the US agent for Katharine Hamnett and calling Prancehall on the mobile even though he was in the same room cause we were friends now and it seemed like mega fun.

So - lets look at yesterday's events which led me to be dreaming like this.

After a LOOOOOOONG day at the office - tantrums, tears, bollockings etc it was the work Christmas party. We got free tickets to Les 7 Doits Circus or whatever it was at The Roundhouse. Thank God we didn't pay and everyone was pretty dissapointed. There was like only one really hot guy who took his top off. Then we went to The Mango Room for our work Christmas dinner. For the record I want it to be known that I had opted for dinner and cocktails at Julie's and I never agreed to the trapese show to music like Cold Play. Came home wanting to kill myself after the most hideous day ever.


Jess from work. 'Dont get on my bad siiiiiide"


My dinner - Goat Curry. Just like Sean Paul cooks me when I back at his.

I continued a conversation on AIM with Prancehall and Venom that I had started earlier under the table at the christmas dinner. Basically, after ascertaining the true circumstances in which Prancehall told Venom I'm selfish, Prancehall was trying to convince me that either one of my friends should get with Venom OR I should get with Venom. And the only reason why Venom acts so weird and awkward around me is cause he really likes me. So then I asked Venom and he said "You wish you are old and have an ugly minge and are probably a bad shag." Maybe Prancehall and Venom should try it out together. Prancehall obvs really likes Venom so much so he is trying to get Venom to have sex so that he can go home and obscess about being cupid. Maybe even sexually obscess. Who knows. Venom spends half his time hating me or liking me. Maybe I am selfish cause I only like Venom when he is liking me. We also discuss Venom's recent toilet troubles.

Then when I got to bed I reviewed all text messages I got from friends today that dont require urgent attention - as I usually do - and replied to one from Alex T where I told him what a bummer my day had been and how Prancehall had just been trying to convince me to have sex with venom. Alex T's thoughtful response was "Go On! I heard he has a dick like a coke can." Again for the record - firstly: this doesn't actually sound that appealing and secondly: I have slept with two guys who had dicks not unlike this description before. I know what I like and what I don't. When I realised Alex T wasn't joking I called him back to ask for his address. I'm gonna store it up and kill him later. [Actually FYI if Alex T actually get's murdered in his bed - I'm not actually going to shank him.]

Oh God - am reminding myself of so many things I could write about here. Here is a list reminder: Karl, Smiler, Movie about the woman getting stabbed in the back, To Pimping!, Denzel Washington, more efficient without cotton on the body.

I have to get to work. I told myself before I started I could only type for 15 minutes.

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 11 December 2007

CASCADE vs BOAGS



Tasmanian fighting talk from the streets.
I'll see YOU in Hobes...

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 10 December 2007

THE START OF A NEW WEEK

Back from Germany the two cake plates I had tried to pack in my suitcase got smashed, but the matching cups and saucers survived. It felt like a knife through my heart when I pulled the shards form my suitcase. It really broke my heart. I get upset over the most stupid things.


Hamburg was absolutely incredibly as ever. I had an amazing birthday party. I also had incredible times with everyone who came - Manara, Goon & Koyote, Cardinal and Pip who I met for the first time. So loving it. But I also really enjoyed the time I got to spend on my own walking around familiar streets thinking about my own things an contemplating all the big things that have changed in my life recently. I'm really looking forward to next year.


I was so lucky to have my Spiritual Guru so close to give me such wise advice. Booty gives the best advice about all problems. And his advice is so obvious and fitting that I always end up feeling stupid and embarrassed for having asked the question in the first place.







I wanted to write all amazing things about the trip and the stuff we did and the incredible jokes and the things I bought but I'm already too exhausted from only one day back at work. Then I got on the AIM to XXCENSOREDXX who told me that over pizza, XXCENSOREDXX told him that I was selfish and a bad friend. We nearly came to ignoring each other for 6 months again but I can't be bothered.

Cardinal has invited me to a Christmas karaoke thing on Friday night which I hope I have time to go to. Thursday night is Pippa's birthday and Noel Fielding's art exhibition opening. What the hell can his stuff be like? Wednesday is dinner with Pascale and Reuben [I hope!!!] and Tuesday night is the work Christmas party. Can't wait to go home. Mum says it is 32 degrees centigrade. Read it and weep.

I also have a great story to tell about an amazing dinner I had with Deano from Real Gold tonight after I dropped off some Limited Edition Katharine Hamnett t-shirts to his store on Ganton Street in Soho. He has t-shirts that have just come from the printers in colour ways that were only printed in colour ways of 4-6 each. We went to Bodeans and had burnt back ends but that is a whole other thing and really I'm tooooo tired.

Until I get the chance to write again, here is a porcine porcelain gift to all my fans


xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 9 December 2007

MAN ON FIRE


Last night Booty and I kicked back at his crib and watched a DVD he had bought at Lidl starring Denzel Washington. Through this whole movie we were both transfixed by the script, the narrative, the charactarisation. The whole thing was tantamount to a spiritual experience. Even though I'm a true believer in Wesley Snipes I have to give some creds to the Denzel. It was such a convincing portrayal of a man gripped by seeking revenge that it was like watching a documentary. Passionate.

Speaking of spiritual experiences I fell asleep on the sofa before dinner listening to Kontakte by Stockhausen. It was pretty good. It was nice cause I was so sleepy and everytime I got to the edge of sleep XXCENSCOREDXX laughing would come into my mind and I was imagining what it would be like to kiss him. The best dreaming ever.


Speaking of men, I had another rendezvous here with a guy I have been in contact with a lot via email. Sadly it didnt turn out to be as fun as the one with XXCENSCOREDXX the other night. This meeting ended up being a long story about a saxphone that covered two continents, family members, old friends, the yamaha music website and even though I said 'cut to the chase' it was unfortunate cause the story still goes on. Then the man I was with went on to tell me about a time he was so drunk that he was telling a mutual friend of ours he didnt like her boyfriend and should try with him and really she is so beautiful etc... She was only a few seats away at the table. I didn't really feel in the mood for the vibes after that.


Last night I had better luck with the waiter at the restaurant where Viktor, Booty and I went for dinner. Tony couldn't keep his hands off me and was calling me 'Beautiful Emma'. Well state the obvious mate, but at least he was making an effort.

Things with nameless seem to be improving. Conversations are not always about who is such a cunt or who has to do what for something else to happen. I got an SMS from him I guess he was still in Uniqlo saying he couldn't buy anything there cause it is all made in China and even thoough I've explained to him how different mark up systems work and making profit where there is no wholesaler he still said 'this cashmere jumper is only 39 pounds. Who has paid the price for it to be that cheap? (refering to the workers in China) I'm going to try Smedley tomorrow.' I was so proud.

More later. Still so much to tell from Hamburg.



xx Lektrogirl

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Saturday, 8 December 2007

SUICIDE



Stockhausen is dead and Booty Carrel no longer has a subscription to The Wire. You'd have to be desperate paying for that. I'm on Booty's sofa listening with him to Stockhausen's Helicopter String Quartet. You'd have to be desperate or listening to it for money - in Booty's case I really hope he is gonna get rich. Booty is writing an obitury for some thing he writes for - zeit.de/musik I'd think I'd jump from the helicopter. How long does this fucking CD go for?

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 5 December 2007

MY LITTLE ACCIDENT

LAST CHANCE

WHY U ONNU BAD MIND?!
TEK WEH USELF!!!
IT'S EERIE TIME



Don't get sad cause evn if u chung u get someone at da Pudel.
HORNY MUSIC ALL NIGHT FROM THE WORLDS GREATEST PUSSY PUMPERS!!!!

O rly?! Yeah blud. YGM.
xx Lektrogirl THE BIGGEST PLAYA IN THE GAME, BOO

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NO PANTIES



TOTALLY addicted. And I swear I'm not a lesbian.

xx Lektrogirl

THE PLAY DATE



So last night was the play date with XXCENSOREDXX. It was great, he made me cry and insulted me, I was late, told a 'hilarious' story about a guy who had something really cringeworthy happen him only to learn that a similar thing had happened to XXCENSOREDXX - all amongst other gaffs. I'm not joking. These things all really happened. But I had a really nice time. And honestly far better than I was expecting. There I was thinking it was going to be really awkward and weird, and it was definitely a little like that at time but the percentage of laughter was a lot more. I fully recommend a play date to anyone anyway. I even got one of those funny "not sure if I should" and me "being awkward back" peck on the cheek outside the most stinking chip shop on the corner of Oxford Street and Tottenham Court Road. I can only assume that XXCENSOREDXX also had a good time for that to have happened on the gankiest corner in the West End.

And you know what else - I KNOW THAT XXCENSOREDXX will read this. Which makes me feel a bit weird writing it. And even weirder that we made jokes about what I would write. YOU GET ME! Mega LOLZ. That was just for him. You are right - it's tragic! But as you can see from photographic evidence you can see that I'm a true playa.


This is the reason why I was late. I was living it up in Wiltshire on a work related mission. I can't divulge to much - trade secrets etc. There was a place there call Players Bar and Club Ice that was on the estate. Apparently all the Squaddies go there. We so wanted to go. Jo had her umbrella to reel them all in. Then we filthy looks in the quiet carriage on the way home to Paddington. Just to let you know - mean woman with the briefcase, we hated sitting next to you as much as you hated us. But let's not make hate and bad vibes. And it is clear you are the one with the problem with the coloured markers you had all anal on your briefcase. When you got up to use your phone we so wanted to change the colours of all the lids on the pens cause we knew it would really fuck with your head.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 3 December 2007

POWER POO



I am so proud of myself making this picture for Nick Abrahams. He really excelled himself with poo pics on my facebook, but then I did this one!! I feel a bit like the day I was laughing at my own jokes - who was it in front of - Cardinal I think. How embarressing.

xx Lektrogirl

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LIAR - 8.30pm



DJ Venom recommended I write an 8.30pm post as a nice contrast to this mornings post at 8.30am

I'm not feeling quite so full of the milk of human kindness [ergh - is that a euphamism for something else?] as I was this morning after churning out invoices all day.

And the YouTube post might be a bit random but I was looking for that Bros song LIAR to dedicate to someone, but then realise the song, like a real life liar, is aweful and I couldn't be bothered and this advert was funnier. I wonder if the boys round my neighbourhood would by a scooter from guys dressed like that?

xx Lektrogirl

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8.30am

I'm on the bus on the way to work super excited about this week and feeling eerie cause if your in London RIGHT NOW look out the window and check what a beautiful morning it is.

xx Lektrogirl

Sunday, 2 December 2007

A LESSON

TWO CAKES - YGM


Left - Philippa's coconut three layered sponge cake. DELICIOUS!!
Right - Sara's Victoria sponge with musical candle with glitter icing. INCREDIBLE!!


Cheers to me and the beautiful cake we are about to eat!!


If the truth be told, Hamburg's answer to Beyonce had been drinking Kir Royales for breakfast at Balans with Nameless.


This was my Duck and Puy Lentil dinner. It was delicious.


And here are two of the better behaved dinner companions that joined me - the rest were screaming animals all over The Star!! Joe and Duke I think really had a good time with Alex's son Harry and some boy they met called Jake.


Look at all that gorgeous hair! We could make wigs for a load of people!
AND WATCH OUT HAMBURG!! WE ARE HITTING YOUR SOIL 6TH DECEMBER 2007. THIS TIME THE PLATINUM PUSSY IS BRINGING A POSSEE!!


I wish Carrie was coming.


Here is me and Dal. We have a deep spiritual love. Unfortunately it will never bloom into anything else cause he told me I need to grow a dick.

Thanks everyone for the gazillion birthday messages this year!! I LOVE YOU!!

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. I just got AIM airpie from Sara Manara cause she told me that Faggatronix are working on their new mix of hits for '07. I CAN'T WAIT to hear it.

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Saturday, 1 December 2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!



My iTunes is totally in sync with me today - first song off the shuffle list is YO STOMACH by T-Pain. YGM!!


I hope this guy doesn't accidently shit himself doing this...

I had a sleep in today that wasn't haunted by dreams of excel spreadsheets going on to infinity, my mum called and left a message on the machine singing to me, tho' we already talked last night cause it was already my birthday in Australia [in fact I got born at about 6pm in London last night already... confusing I know], Nameless is going to take me to the big Balans in Soho for breakfast [where I've spotted celebs like Pete Burns] and I will probably have the Scallops and Eggs Benedict and a cocktail - yeah for BREAKFAST - YGM, then I'm gonna toodle down to Maison B to see Pippa, make it to Selfridges to buy a cardigan I can't stop thinking about and try my hardest all day to avoid AP. Then back north for my birthday at The Star. I've told them they have to be able to make a Mojito by then and to get some mint in!

BUT THE FUN DOESNT STOP THERE:
I have a play date at Yauatcha on Tuesday night with XXCENSOREDXX, then on THURSDAY I GO TO MY HOMELAND IN HAMBURG!!! Oh man!!

I get emails, texts and AIM messages from Manara and Cardinal nearly everyday saying "I'm So Excited"........

Last night I had to do some last minute record shopping to get shipped to Booty's Crib for some essential tracks for my party.

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