Monday, 30 April 2007

The G.A. tells a joke

On the way into town today to change some money, I visited Dad. I got an urgent text from him saying "Get here immediately. I need some help on the computer." What he really wanted was someone to help him unpack the deliveries for his tuck shop.

While I did that he was checking through all the stock on the invoice. He can do maths in his head quicker than anyone I know. We discussed business and he was asking me what exactly I did at my job and he was telling me what all the best sellers were at the tuck shop. It was just like old days when I used to go and help Dad out in the garage and shoot the shit.
Dad made a great joke:

Q: What is this?
A: A lesbian with a hard-on.

After schlepping all the boxes of Ginger Beer and Turkish Delight and giving Dad all the info he needed off the boxes for his pricings [TOTAL task master!!] I was a bit hungry so I decided to go to this local bakery for lunch called Jackman and Mc Ross.

I can't think of a local bakery as good as this anywhere in London. All this was $12. Which is a bit less than 5 pounds.

xx Lektrogirl

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Meet my family

I woke up this morning feeling a bit odd. Now I felt properly ill but I think that is because the first thing I ate was the last of the bag of cheese Twisties I started last night.

Yesterday I went round to Barrington to visit Dad and have a morning coffee with him. This is Dad's room:

Dad used to be in another home called The Gardens that had women as well as men staying there. Barrington used to be just for guys and now there are a few women there. Dad hated The Gardens cause he hated all the old women. Some of them had amputated legs. His major gripe with the old women was that they only had their illnesses to talk about - he'd be trying to eat his dinner and some old bird would start going on about her bowel cancer. He really became unhappy there. Once Dad got moved to Barrington he got much better. He runs the tuck shop [he doesn't serve anyone who dribbles and gives chocolate away to the little kids visiting their grandparents] has his own garden and has a best friend called Max. Like Dad, Max has had a stroke but he is still able to walk pretty easily, unlike Dad. Max's biggest problem is that he cannot read or write anymore or say anything else other than "Yep" or "No". The pair of them are hilarious.

This is a rare picture of my father without his mobile phone in his good hand.

After visiting The G.A. Mum and I went to the New Town Nursery cause she wanted to look for some plants. We walked home along the bike track which runs parallel with the train tracks that run directly behind my old house. On the way, I saw this:

and had to take some time to explain to my mother what a bong is.
She said "Oh it is one of those things druggies use."
I said, "Yeah but people who use bongs aren't really druggies Mum."
She said "Yes I suppose it is all those people in those third rate countries use them."
I said, "Don't you mean third world?"
After that I didn't really know what to say next. I think she meant hooka pipes. But Lord only knows really.

This is my mum:

I think I will get the bus into town later to see how little everything has changed. Tomorrow we are going to Launceston to see my sisters new house and see my neice and two nephews. This is what the oldest, Sam, and I did when I saw him last year.

What a retard! But a cute one.

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 27 April 2007

C'MON MATE, FAIR GO!

ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE MERCURY 'The Voice of Tasmania'

Snoop Dogg denied entry to Australia
April 26, 2007 11:20am
Article from: AAP

CONTROVERSIAL US rapper Snoop Dogg has been denied entry to Australia because of his ever-growing list of criminal convictions.

The cancellation of the visa for the rapper, record producer and actor means he will not appear at the MTV Australian video music awards this weekend.
Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews said Snoop Dogg would be issued a notice of intention to cancel his visa after he failed to pass the requisite character test.
Snoop Dogg, 35, whose real name is Calvin Broadus, pleaded no contest to felony gun and drug charges in the US earlier this month.
"The reality is in relation to this man, that he was given a warning the last time, he has a whole string of convictions, and just two weeks ago I was told he was convicted on a number of charges again and sentenced to three years' imprisonment on two, and three years' imprisonment on another, with five years' probation and a suspended sentence," Mr Andrews said on Macquarie radio today.
"He has been denied entry into the United Kingdom because he was caught with others causing affray at Heathrow Airport. He doesn't seem the sort of bloke we want in this country."
Mr Andrews said Snoop Dogg could respond to the cancellation of his visa.
"The character test in relation to this involves a substantial criminal record, which is ... being sentenced to a term of imprisonment of 12 months or more.
"It can also include a person's associations, their past and present criminal conduct, and their general conduct.
"This man has been a member of a Los Angeles gang - and is still associated with it apparently - that's been involved in murder, robberies and drug dealing in the LA area," Mr Andrews said.

Oh Bugger Snoop! You got a bad rep now! We have a history of bush rangers - Ned Kelly, weirdo killing psychos [Martin Bryant who killed 35 and injured 37 at Port Arthur] and criminals [Mark 'Chopper' Reed] of the highest standard here in Australia but now the screws won't be having you.

Incidently, Dad's birthday - 28 April - is also the anniversary of the day Martin Bryant did his thing.

As for Chopper:



Or you can be Chopper's MySpace friend and listen to his awesome rap music.


Anyway - I have to go now cause Mum wants me to go to Kmart big sale on all undies etc. She got up at 7am to roast a chook. She is already nagging me I didn't eat enough breakfast. [Did she see the size of my arse yesterday?] Yeah man, just like home...

xx Lektrogirl

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31 HOURS TO HOME

I left London on the 25th and arrived in Hobart on the 27th April. I have spent 31 hours in transit. I got to Mum's and had one of her fishfinger sandwiches. The travel was worth it.

Notes from Singapore from an email to a friend:
"at changi now and have had a go on the iSqueeze massager and am now of course checking out the internet. felt really ill most of the flight... but there was Night at the museum* on as a movie. booyah! also watched some other weird one where judi dench plays a weirdo lesbo teacher in love with cate blanchet who is also a teacher. gonna look for a snack and maybe a bit more iSqueeze**. I'd love one for the house!"

* I LOVE Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson [I think I have the hots for him a little bit more than George Eads], Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn movies. NOT the romantic-y ones with stupid Jennifer from Friends in it.

** The
iSqueez is all over Changi airport. After 13 hours of trying not to play footsie with your neighbours this thing is amazing to sit under the bamboo trees IN the airport and chill.

Then the rest of the journey after Changi passed in much the same way as the previous 13 or so hours. I was greeted at Hobart International Airport by my cousin Sally and Auntie Diane. We dropped Sally off back at her house and I got to meet A.D.'s new dog who pissed everywhere. On the journey from the airport I saw galahs and rosellas just chilling - plus a load of less interesting birds. A.D. also pointed out where there had been really bad bush fires all the way from Risdon Prison to the Highway and you can see that 6 months ago the area just must have been destroyed. Of course the gum tree grow back fast but even so, it still looked rough.

Mum's house looks even more ghetto than when I saw it last. The garden is really dry and full of weeds and the weatherboards all really need painting. There is more paint off than on. Inside though it is still nice. Tomorrow is the G.A.'s birthday. He is turning 81. Mum will bring him over from the home for a party. Big farts all round I'm sure there.

Now let's get back to London matters for a moment - Alex Tea! You should just go in and say hello to Pippa and tell her you are the one who took the picture of her performing. She loved that picture! In fact, take a copy of it to put on the Maison B pin board. There is some Men's at Shop At Maison B - I think some A.P.C. bits, some Marimekko and some Obey stuff. But I didn't really check out the whole shop when I was there last. Tell Pippa I sent you.

Okay - I'm BEAT. More later.

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Tuesday, 24 April 2007

THE SEAN PAUL-OFF

Yes, it is true. Pregnant Jo-Jo and I have challenged each other to a Sean Paul off to be judged by our work makes in the office of Katharine Hamnett. The rules are basic:

1] Pick a Sean Paul song
2] Learn it off by heart
3] Karoke it over one lunch break while interpreting "being Sean Paul".
4] The one most like Sean Paul wins

At first Jo-Jo chose "Punky" because she learnt the Spanish parts once when she was learning Spanish. I already heard her sing it. I decided that I was going to learn "Like Glue" cause it had the most stupid stuff in it. And it was going to double as my romantic wedding anniversary show to my ex-husband. I'm glad I was so excited I blurted it out, cause he said "I think I would feel weird that you sang Like Glue to me considering our circumstances." Regardless of my loser ex's lack of enthusiasm the Sean Paul-Off goes ahead.

Something that I can agree on with my ex is the awesomeness of this song:



I love it when it comes on my iPod in the morning on the bus. If you want to learn the words and sing along, here they are:

Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Bandolero rock
Bandolero shock
Bandolero rock
Bandolero shock
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino

Joséphine blanche, robe rouge et noire
Danse avec le reflet du miroir
Arrivé direct from Mexico, Don Diego de La Vega
Z comme Zorro
Ça se bouscule dans les couloirs
Les poseurs, les voyeurs
Tous ceux qui aiment s'faire voir
Tout le monde est là
Même ceux qu'on n'attend pas, la playmate du mois
Miss Cha Cha Cha

Oh Miss Cha Cha Cha
Miss Cha Cha Cha
Miss Cha Cha Cha
Que linda esta
Au milieu de tout ça, il y a nous, il y a moi
Et (don't forget me, I'm doctor B)
Verre sur verre de Cuba Libre
(Don't forget me, I'm doctor B)
Verre sur verre de Cuba Libre
(Doctor B… that's me)

Yes, yes show
You don't stop
Come on come on
Let's see rock rock
Yo lady don't you see
You better watch yourself with Doctor B

Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Bandolero rock
Bandolero shock
Bandolero rock
Bandolero shock
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino
Que bueno que rico que lindo
Paris Latino

Joséphine blanche, robe rouge et noire
Amoureuse folle du reflet dans le miroir
Reparti direct to Mexico, Don Diego de La Vega
Sa cape son bandeau
Plus personne dans les couloirs
Les poseurs, les voyeurs sont allés se faire voir
Odeur de tabac, de cendriers froids
Les parfums sucrés de Miss Cha Cha Cha

Oh Miss Cha Cha Cha
Miss Cha Cha Cha
Miss Cha Cha Cha
Que linda esta
Au milieu de tout ça, il y a nous, il y a moi
Et (don't forget me, I'm doctor B)
Verre brisé de Cuba Libre
(Don't forget me, I'm doctor B)
Verre brisé de Cuba Libre
(Doctor B… that's me)

Yes, yes show
You don't stop
Come on come on
Let's see rock rock
Yo lady can't you see
You better watch yourself with Doctor B

(Party!)
I'm gonna make you move, (get down)
I'm do the let us groove, (don't stop)
Just kick off the shoes (hit the top)

And begin to groove (party!)

I don't waste no time (get down)
I get drunk on wine (don't stop)

It's time to score (hit the top)
So what you're waiting for

Now it's my time to rap for you
So let's go to the show shack room
It won't take much time
But have in mind
That we're a brand new band
And we're so divine
No time for rock n' roll
Cause roll don't rock
And rock don't roll
We got some hot that'll hit the spot
Something brand new but not made of rock
We're gonna rock the East, we're gonna rock the West
We're gonna rock the girls and put them to the test
And we'll rock you, but don't forget
That what we make is designed to be best
Get down!


This song is nearly better than "Poupee Flash" by 1ere Classe that Paul and I covered in our band The Fonts. But not quite.

I'm off to Australia tomorrow so more from Down Under laterz.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. I promise that you will have "Don't forget me I'm Doctor B!" stuck in your head for days!

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What about the money you said you gonna let me borrow?



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Sunday, 22 April 2007

MY VIRGINITY

Today the I participated in for the Independent On Sunday came out. If you didn't already see the paper and view the giant picture of me in it you can read it online.

JUST FOR THE RECORD:

This - "I thought there would be blood everywhere, but he had such a small penis that nothing happened. I assumed my hymen must have already been broken when I was younger - but it was just because I was small."

should read - "I thought there would be blood everywhere, but he had such a small penis that nothing happened. I assumed my hymen must have already been broken when I was younger - but it was just because IT was small."

You get me?

xx Lektrogirl

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HOUSE OF WINGS

The other day after work I went round to Brains studio and met up with him and Silverlink who was there. We sat around and bitched about XXCENSOREDXX who I was only too happy to tell Silverlink what a bunch of c***s they are. And the guys guffawed when I told them I had XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX on the back of the tour bus. Together Brains, Silverlink and I ate the best fried chicken in North London from HOUSE OF WINGS on Holloway Road over the road from where the palm reader used to be. Cause Brains lives so nearby, we get it home delivered - the dudes just bring it over once it is cooked. All the chicken is cooked from fresh and there are a gang of different sauces.



We decided that we should make HOUSE OF WINGS a website BUT would you believe it,
they already have one.

So there we were all chill feeling eating chicken, corn bread and macaroni pie when suddenly this happened:



Silverlink and Brains did something unusual. Woah. Wierd.

Later they went to see Planning To Rock and I went home cause I had to work with Pippa at Shop At Maison B. Paul turned up later and told Pippa that Alex Tea has an OLD picture of her performing in her band Posh on his Flickr. I had been avoiding telling her cause someone had said in the comments they had recently seen her getting off the tube at Waterloo declaring Pippa looked old now. Which is never nice to hear. But Pippa did say "Well I am over forty." So over coffee and cake we webstalked this girl who claimed Pippa looked old... Our conclusion: Pippa is no Dorian Gray and this girl is no oil painting either.

It is alway great hanging out with Pippa and working. We made some videos for her boutique Shop At Maison B which you can see
on her blog here. There are all the guys from Cuts modelling the mens Obey t's that are in stock and Pippa, Hannah and I are wearing a bunch of other stuff for women.

Joe and Duke came in for a visit too. They always end up licking me, squashing me, wrestling me or climbing me like I'm a tree. Which is the coolest fun. But the only way to get them to step off is to take pictures or make movies of them. Which they love more than ANYTHING!





xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 20 April 2007

Chelmsford Film Society

A necessary MySpace friend for everyone here.




I had my photo taken in the park this afternoon by a really fit man called Ben for the Independant on Sunday. I was interviewed the other night about how it was when I lost my virginity. If you are interested in the sordid details between me and Adam Mulchay you should check it on Sunday.

xx Lektrogirl

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

TOO EXCITED

So going back to dinner at Philippa's, we were talking about Extreme Animals that she is hoping to have come perform as part of the their tour I think in Summer. AWESOME. I can't wait to see Jacob again. There are just some things that Jacob understands so I'm really looking forward to acting a retard with him. And the Extreme Animals shows are going to be SUPER HYPE SHOWERFACE VIBES BRAAAAP. I was with them in Holland at WORM and I loved it. I met that dude e*rock though and we had a big fight over a Felix Kubin record... Anyway that is another story.



Cool Paperrad video I didn't see on YouTube before.

Brains just came in and told me about our home delivery dinner that I was waiting for him to bring in "Now if that's cold then my name is Ricky Ponting." He is more Australian than me sometimes.


xx Lektrogirl

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The G.A.

I am really looking forward to going home and seeing my Dad - The G.A. - for his birthday on the 28th of April. Here is a picture of him with my nephew Tom. They have the same date birthday and they are 79 years apart in age rocking the present Brains and I gave them last year.

My father is incredible. The G.A. is the biggest playa in da game.

Once after one of his treatments in hospital, he was having to have morphine that he was administering himself. He was riding the control for the morphine getting himself pumped right up and one of the nurses came in to tick him off about it. She said "Don't administer the morphine unless you are in pain." Dad just looked at her in the eyes and said "I'm in pain looking at you."


Here are some letters that he sent me and Brains once:



So my advice is to you all = watch out for the supernatural force coming to you from Barrington Centre Aged Care.


When I was growing up I got a lot of good advice from The G.A. - the best one was don't give a fuck about what anybody else thinks of you when you walk into a room, cause everybody is too busy worrying about what you think of them. My father also has the fastest SMS finger ever! Not bad for an 80 year old half paralysed dude in a wheelchair. If anyone wants personal advice from The G.A. on any problem be it love related, life, money, career, woodwork etc let me know and I will give you his mobile number. He's real good.

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Throw Some D's



Does anyone have this guy's number?

Dinner Date

I just had a romantic candle lit dinner in the back garden with Philippa Cardinal and her blind cat who has some disease like syphilis. Honestly I think I was falling for that cat, but even he wasn't interested.

Yo - if Philippa ever invites you over for dinner you better go. She is a great cook. No Homo.

The only place that is better for food in London is the restaurant Arbutus on Frith Street. So ASBO-D - I heard the more awful I am to you the more you like it. You can always ask me out to dinner if you want. Here is the number for the restaurant to make a booking: 020 7734 4545 and you are paying. I'm too cheap to even get a divorce.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 16 April 2007

Misery Loves Company

Pippa, my ex-boss and singer in All About Eve Babitz, was asking me one day about resizing the original picture of Eve Babitz and Marcel Duchamp she found off the internet for print:

So when I told Pippa that it wouldn't be possible and she should re-photograph the picture with her and James it didn't think much more of it. I said it as a semi serious joke and low and behold they went and did it!


Check out this amazing photo by Sarah Lee.
It is now the cover of the CD Misery Loves Company by All About Eve Babitz.

Brains and I call the music "adult contemporary" and it certainly won't be everyone's cup of tea [or sneaky glass of Blush from the Three Greyhounds] but some of the songs I really like. You can hear them on the
All About Eve Babitz MySpace page.

xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 15 April 2007

Man Hating Dyke



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Big Tummy

OMG - Teki Latex Danse La Poutine!



1: Trempe les frites dans l'huile
2: Fais les cuire, c'est facile
3: Ajoute la sauce et le fromage squish squish, dans ton estomac des sensations magnifiques


Wow - that video doesn't go for long enough!! So let's talk about Missouri Sound Machine which if you checked out my MySpace page you would have heard their music on my profile for like ages now. Today I found by accident a long "live" mix from MSM. If you ignore the parts that are American jokes about old soft rock and stuff then it is pretty good! Listen.

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Big Heads


[left to right: Prancehall, Kyke Turner and DJ Brains]

**NB original picture edited by request. 07.08.2007

Question:
Which one of the guys above has the biggest head?

Answer:
Apparently PRANCEHALL has a massive barnet!!

I would have thought it was going to be Kyke Turner with a face like his. I already know that Brains has an unusually small head - a bit like one of those little spider monkies - [I call him 'Melted Candle Head' on the sly. But then I have also called him 'Saucepan Handle' too.] But no it's not ASBO Daniel Kyke Turner. After comparing baseball cap sizes, Brains can tell me with some authority that Prancehall's New Era cap size is off the scale!!!

Well I hope you are all as glued to that fact from Shoreditch as I was.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. FYI my New Era size is seven and a half.

OHHHH WHICH REMINDS ME:
Someone with a big mouth told Brains that XXCENSOREDXX has been sleeping with two girls lately but that he doesn't like either of them. Well one of them is ROUGH - she has a head like a broomstick - so who knows what XXCENSOREDXX was banging this female party promoter in the first place. The other girl is very cute. So go figure.


There is no love lost between me and Kyke Turner. The last straw came when Daniel sent a text to Brains calling me a c*** - which as Brains wife at the time this happened, of course I'm gonna be sitting right next to him to see the text arrive. Apparently Daniel claims he has apologised to me. But the only conversation I have had with Daniel is via text where he also called me a dickhead and then "I could really like you if you weren't so prickly" and I saw him at Chalk and he came up to talk to me so I just threw him some air pie.

So while on the subject of being prickly: The thing I really don't like about XXCENSOREDXX is that his mouth has always reminded me of the way a dog's vagina looks when the bitch is in heat - all puffy and squishy like that.

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Saturday, 14 April 2007

Weekend In Hamburg

I spent Easter in my beloved Hamburg seeing some of my bestie faves. It was a total chill out cause my head had been totally fried by my cold and hard work.

The first day in Hamburg can be summed up by me commenting an unused tampon rolling lonely down the Reeperbahn, having a lengthly converstation that a brand of tissues my friend Booty has is identical to a repackaged brand for sale in the UK, learning new German words by reading a kids magazine about horses. Schwein gehabt! It ended on an even bigger bum note cause there was some shit Hard Techno DJ's at the Pudel. They were so boring even the DJ's were sitting down.

The next night was EXCELLENT. Booty was DJing with Pirouette at Elbe76 - an awesome restaurant run by my friend Hannah. We had dinner and then drank a lot.





I managed to see the new Scooter video on MTV. It's pretty weak.



It can be described as a cover version of Culture Beat's Mr. Vain by H.P. Baxxter's old band Celebrate the Nun.

I also got to catch up on Flavor of Love. If you didn't catch it yet you should.



When Hottie served up the raw chicken she cooked in the microwave with vegetables stuff up it's but I nearly laughed til I cried. And that one called New York! Mentalist!


Later dudes xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 4 April 2007

BOOYAH!!

Monday, 2 April 2007

Lektrogirl's Lonely Hearts Club Band

Urgh. Already April and still no dates this year. I'm going to have to visit the witchdoctor.


xx Lektrogirl

Sunday, 1 April 2007

The Shit!!

DJ Goon has had these videos all over his MySpace page for ages now but I was just looking at them again and they are certainly the shit!!



My highschool was just like this. Not.

And as it happens so often that people question DJ Goon's sexuality, it isn't possible that he could post this YouTube video from the same YouTube user on his MySpace in case anyone gets any further funny ideas:


But as I am a total licker and don't care who knows it, check this out:


Listen in for 'It's Your Birthday' and the YMO tracks in the background for China's Birthday party...

Not a lot happening this weekend. Yesterday I took Pippa to the Beach Burrito Café on our lunch break while I was in Soho working with her and today I am rocking my Ralf Lauren P.J.'s doing my own company's VAT return. Biggest playa in the game!!

xx Lektrogirl