Saturday, 27 February 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 26 February 2010 23:45
To: Emma
Subject: RE: some more pics of all the same things


Yeah loneliness IS a curse in many ways. Irember living in Burnie(NTas) in a five roomed brick house I bought from a local baker. Prolly got some photos of it somewhere? Ifound one of a young lookin bloke of 51years holding his 2 bestess friends, sat sitting in an armchair THE cat, hypolyte, a Siamiese and A lABRADOR, sally-SILLY AS WHEEL BUT A GOOD MATE, i've told you before about Hippy, OPEN front door and Hippy would claim her spot, run up my suit and sit ou my shouldertil We wentto bed.YEAHMATE, FOR ALL YOUR MEMORIeS OF ME BEING 'ORRIBLE TO ONE dog wotad just dug up me new plants, But Ive had some good anti-lonely pets Funny you saying you were 37, Whenever your age cimes up, I always think 31. Then I look at the pictures on the door and think I've made a mistake. You only look about 21.
The chances of winning 5000 bucks before you get here are about 14000000 to one. Pretty slim odds kiddo. bUT IF i can get the anti offa tight arse I' keep trying. i'll seeif I can swing a bit out o my'BURY ME ACCOUNT whic she has in my name and redirected from my pension,,
FARK, LIKE HER OLD MAN old bill used to have heart pangs opening his bowels a work out/
Got to gp kiddo..catch up with ya later. Luv yer aging pa, 37?

you look like a yong maidXXXXXX

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Thursday, 18 February 2010

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

Slow morning and taking the opportunity to check some emails on a laptop rather than my phone. The GA has finally made it out of bed into the computer room:

emmsie young mate. one, I DECIDED THE PRUNINING OF rose could wait another day, when they told me, the resident comp was up and running, so I thought i'd be sure to get a glimpse of morning tea from your e'mails? WHICH MAY i ADD ARE GETTING MORE GUT ENTICING AS YOU COOK? OR SHOULD ONE ASK 'CREATE'?Bloody caps lock, OR MORE PERTINENTLY A WEAK BRAIN? w.f.brain?

If I don't make reference to furry bottom she'll prolly muck my computor up again!
How yer goin' Hobart? Has the mistress stopped beating you yet? Wot are all those brown bruise marks on yer fur? Give 'r a good scratch for me, duckie.
I'L EMAIL ANOTHER TOMORROW. IN PLACFE OF THE indescribably badly written effort I had started. Couldn't take the chanceof your boss seeing what a dunce your father must be.
the young woman who overlooked my effort to write, who at 20 years had nevever seen a pen to write with before in her life, expressed considrable amazement when she saw the pen dipped in ink then leave readable marks on paper,
Then SHE SLID THE LUNCH TRAY TOWARD ME AND DEFTLY PUSHED THE INK BOTTLE OFF THE TABLE, Quink everywhere. She was stunned, 'OH' that's what ink is'? Talk about dumb blondes, JESUS
Me back oesn't like sitting up after 4 or 5 monts of lying down. Getting old kid, So's yer mother, old and cranky, and meaner than her fsther. Still we won't continue in that vein, nothing can be gained by complaning about the unchaingeable. I could give me ammunition for tomorrows effort, nearly hd another slight heart atack when the news showed the train crash in Belgium. I always have turulations when Europe gives nasty news.always wonder whre you were at the time,
Corned beef 4 lunch, Not a great meat eater cant' stand the thought of the beasts previous slaughter, maybe I;ll grow up one dayy?
Cheers to u both. Fight te good fight, Give my regards to Mrs Danzer(?) spelling
luv from the old fella.XXXX

And then yesterday another one:

you ought to expand your cakeartby adding the odd symbol.Religious. Arsenal logo 'We are the very best!, I think, or up yours, even just plain old bollox. tHAT WOULD MAKE EM COUGH ON fheir Maccafukkinroons. Just come in from the garden bit, working with no brace around me upper body. bit painful now. but every little helps to get a bit of strength and weight back. Down to 74 kilos at the moment. But finding it difficult to eat meat. THEA.B.C. Doco of Chine hanging beatifull dogs so their blood congeals in the meat, Made the meat sweeter for eating. mate. iFIND IT DIFFICULT TO PUT MEAT, any meat into my gutsfor the moment. TThat last pic of a ferraal was of Philippa's black furry monster. Right?. i'll have to dob you into Hoby. SeeYOU KID. HOPE YOUSE ALL KEEPING WELL? Luv ex yer DadXXXX

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Friday, 18 December 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB UPDATE


The GA, originally uploaded by Lektrogirl.

It was a horrid moment when I was in Melbourne at the airport and Mum text me to day Dad was having an operation and there was a strong possibility that he may die on the operating table. I really thought "FUCK I'm not going to make it."



When we got to the hospital though, I should have known that of course the prick would make it. It was so weird to be standing next to his bed after coming so far hearing him say "Before they took me in for the op they told me that I might die. I seriously thought I would never see you again." So if you want to talk about tears and emotions, all I can say is A LOT.


And then there were some LOLS.


Next day he was back in the home with a cup of tea and all that plastic tubing off. Irony of the situation is now I have a sore throat and headache so can't go round to see him today.

I cooked him some Cardomom and Pistachio shortbreads though. Tomorrow will be macaroons.



Got to go though cause Mum is nagging me to get dressed. It's quarter to four and I suspect she has a point. I'm going to Coles to get some prawns as big as my hands.

Kind regards

Yours Truly

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 26 November 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB ACCIDENT REPORT

Hi All. Just a quick note to say that John Davidson "just fell out of his wheelchair" the other night and broke his hip. I haven't been able to speak to him myself to ascertain what exactly it was he was doing when he claims he "just fell out his wheelchair" that doesn't involve a large amount of mischeif. I mean seriously there are only two options: speedracing/smash up derby OR trying to reach under some sheila's skirt. Knowing Dad it could be either or both.

So now Dad has a rod in his hip and he is recovering in hospital. I am sure he is as grumpy and beligerant as ever. Long Live The G.A.!

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 9 September 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #26

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCESOREDXX]
Sent: 08 September 2009 05:06
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: MORE MACAROONS!


You could make a million bucks making macarroons like the ones in the email pics, Hotels, restaurantsets all the eating holes roundthe state,muckin fagnificent, mate. Even on the mainland. BUT w.t.f is a macaroon with pig init? IO have never seen macs with tomato etc in them.
I'm glad you told me it was a dog, I thought Hobart had gone through a sex change?
You must admit thise emails make more sense, relative to cost , for sure? My cost is at least $30'00 a month, 360 for the year, if I send you the money yeary the total saving would pay yer fare in two or three years. Nah. you'ld spend the money on a gold lead for the little free-loader.(free-UNloader on the carpet. Though I do remember the attachment I had for my Siamese cat (HYPOLYTE) when Iwas living on my own in Burnie. Also had me hound, Labrador, Sally. Effin idiot but they were good mates
They cot more than you think, when you add it all up. Vets fees, sleeping gear, best of foods. They prolly live better than us?
The Boss, Neree, just got back from African holiday. TODAY SHE GAVE ME A CARD SHE COULDN'T SEND THROUGH THE POST/ oNE ZEBRS READY TO SHOVE ABOUT A HALF YARD OF SNORKEL UP HIS MISS OF CHOICE. She coild be right. The old tarts would have had a heart attack, and some of the blokes a similar event, dying with envy. DISGUSTING!.
Cheers matey. Since when have you ever considered me the'boss'? That'l be the day you disrespectful shitpot.
\I got a pair of socks and a handerchief from the Sal Army. The card said You will be redeemed, for He knows your name.

He has to be pretty bloody good, mate I've had a few. Names that is, Johnathon Browne. John Alexander, Michael Patrick Byrne Long story mate. Stopped the law trackin you down. Sidestepped shielas who wanted to sue you for maintenance(maintainance)
etc.etc. Like I said, long stories, mate.
Cheers. Keep yer socks on. Treading in 'stuff' can be nasty. Luv yer. S'Ted Pa.XXXXXX. 3FOR U 3 FOR PUFFY BUM.


Subject: MORE MACAROONS!
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 2009 18:26:10 +0100

The dog belongs to my other mate Mrs Kipling. Her dog is called Frieda.

EMMA DAVIDSON


xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 6 September 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #25

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 06 September 2009 04:48
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: the cardinal and i at the spatisserie at the dorchester


'ere's me, walked passed the Dorchester 4 million times in my earlier days, never put me foot inside the door. Never had the dosh, and me father would have kicked me arse for having thoughts above my station.
No wonder that Cardinal is a mate. Except for being slightly thinner faced she looks very much as you do. Long hair, brown?, good looking complexion, etc.etc. won't continue. YOU will only accuse me of being a 'dirty old man'
Anyhow, the tucker(can you call food of that standard 'tucker'?) It looks fabulous. Seems a good place to move out of the daily tribulations of earing a living. You ought to take Hobart with you? Don't be mean. slip him in yer carry bag/large purse and let him have a wander. Sorry HER. W.K.O.F. name is Hobart for a female?F.C.S.
Got an Email ex Sars today and she tells me there's a parcell in the post, which I'll prolly get to-morrow. She doesn't know I know it's seeds so I can plant things to remind me of you lot. I have planted cuttings of Roses, Iceberg and Bridal shower for your reminder. BIG Sharpish tasting radishes for me. Can't tell wot I'm putting in for the kids and Sars till I get the package tomorrow.. The prickles on the roses will be for Pussie!.
Look after yorself Kiddo. Winter's on it's way. Keep away from any fukka who has a runny nose or is sneezing. Swine Flu is a bastard. Bad for yer health.Cheers from yer old Dad. Since The Cardinal makes you happy, say hullo to her from me.

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 06 September 2009 04:55
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: my cooking - macaroons


P.S. Your cooking you faggot? You nicked them from them from the Dorchester. You ought be doing Nigella Lawson's job on T/Vif that's really your cooking. Fark. They look delicious mate. Cheers again. Poppa.xxxx

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Monday, 10 August 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #??

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 10 August 2009 02:14
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: FW: THE WEDDING INVITATION

Have you been very busy. Accounts usually are at this time of year profits and loss, and how much interesr is dead stock eating into the profits? Been there, done that kid. And those in the top echelon usually look down at the accountant as if it is her /his fault the sales div didn't unload?But that was yesterday mate. Haven't had a text lately so you have either been experimenting with cocktails or something similar or just plain tired from business?
Yer ma came to lunch on Saturday/ Chicken and veg hot pot, which she seemed to enjoy. The other blokes at the table seem to enjoy her wittering. and she usually bring me a walnut sticky-bun. Which I swear is good for my mental health.
Been off crook for a week, Effin Flu and congestion. Sometimes you go to sleep and hope for the inevitable sooner rather than later?
How's His Majesty , THE CAT? Bowels workin well? Actually the smell of the urine of a Tom is the most pervasive stench in a house. Try to catch him in the spot he empties has bladder. or BUY A LARGEST BIRDCAGE YOU CAN FIT ON YOUR WINDOWSILL AND SHOVE THE SCRAWNY LITTLE FUCKER IN THERE WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO OUT(WITH A BIT OF TUCKER AND H2O) of course. I would like ti print my usual expletive about CapsLqck. But I won't.
Look after yourself matey. I get worried when I don't hear from you for a few days. Episodes like the Kings Cross affair, make my bowels rumble Cheers mate. Lolve from yer errant father!XXXX

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Monday, 3 August 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #?

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 03 August 2009 07:58
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: your photos.


god luv us, you are a tall girl. And may I add pretty good looking. AND anyone would know who yer good lookin' pa is!!!!!! I'l try to print them off for my "Art gallery" Thass my eldest daughter. She's me mate. Put that in Diddong's bum and smoke it. Just come in from m y postrage stamp sized garden. Put a little wooden shelf up outside my window for the birds, water and a bit of tucker. Just like any silly old man does. usually when there are no humans with enough wit around the place , birds make more sense. Being a bloke and your father I've never looked at your legs as things of beauty. However you've a got a fine pair of legs duckie. And I've got a photo to prove it, Wait til I show them to the Bishop. Cheers yer pa,XXXX
Your mum gave me a bit of a warning the other day. "I'm not paying money to have you buried" Oh ses I. coon't give a stuff I'll be dead. So she is taking another bit off the one eighth of a pension I am allowed and saving it in a debit account. Got 2000.00 bucks so far. She will need about 6 thou. I told her to get a cardboard coffin and paint it white. No bastard would know it ain't cedar. only the poor bastards carrying it. Got to come one day. kiddo. I'll be able to find out what it's all about
Cheers mate. Keep on keepin on having a bit of fun out of life while you're young. I did so I cunt grumble now. eh?
Cheers. kick dingdong up the bum for me. I luv thr scrawney little turkey gobbler. LUVyer DadXXXXXX


> From: ME
> To: MY FAMILY
> Subject: RE: Emailing: P8010086
> Date: Sun, 2 Aug 2009 09:13:33 +0100
>
> These are from when we had dinner all the girls the other night and then we
> went back to sarah lee's house and played with her dog.
>


FYI: Gross about the legs thing from your own father!

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 26 May 2009

GRIS GRIS ANS

Just a sketch and something to do this evening.



To quote The G.A.: "Maaate, Never give in!"

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 7 April 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB LONG OVERDUE

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 31 March 2009 00:31
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: Me at sarah lee's house

still haven't seen your sarahlee's house photos. your mother has got a new comp, maybe she hasn't transfered them. F.K.

yOUR SISTER EMAIED ME THE OTHER DAY that tho the dy was sunny in D'port, you could feel that winter fingers were touching one's bones with icy undercurrents. Today I know what she meant. Was bloody cold out in the garden patch thisa.m.. Except today is accreditation day for the home, they check the answer to the question, 'is the government money being spent wisely?. If it weren't for prying bodies snooping around I'd be in bed. MAYBE THIS ARVO? on IT. nEEDless to add, companionless!
What's with you and your ever-changing admirers? French. German? Celonese? LOOK AT THESE? Life is so boring I think the altenative can't be any the worse. I guess I' ll see soon enough/ Cheers. yer pa.xxx

# # # # # # # # # #

From: John Davidson
Subject: RE: Me at sarah lee's house
Sent: 02 Apr '09 00:59

got the pics ofyou at the tucker at Sara Lees house. Gawd help us I'd eat tht beatifull looking food offa baby's nappie. I haven't had a real belly-full of ' real 'for farkin yonks. O nly SAlly Ann shit which is crossed turds on a plate with freckles on them, the farkin smell is crook, I tell yer.
Get talkin' to the wall paper and msake yer poor ol' Dad a happier man!Luv yah. Pops.XXXX

# # # # # # # # # #

> -------Original Message-------
> From: John Davidson
> Subject: RE: Me at sarah lee's house
> Sent: 19 Mar '09 00:45
>
> Ain't caught up with ma this week. Saturday prolly. When she brings the
> paper(W.E,Australian when we attempt the crossy. We must be getting older,
> for we cannot do as much of as once we did. Sorry y'r tired. It's a bit of
> a bastard when y'r young you have to spend such a lot of energy just to
> keep up! Ave another effi beer. Guiness for St Pat's day. What beats me St
> Pat was a Welshman who went to Ireland (Omagh) to spread the word. Yet an
> irishman would bang you in the lughole if you reminded them of that FACT
> Your great grandparents were Irish, from Dublin. Which might account for
> yer screwball father's antics? See yer. my dear girl. How about that git
> who gave his Daughter, 7 children. Fark. He was Austrian. So was Hitler,
> and he definitely WAS a nutter. Heil Hitler Luv from yer pops.

# # # # # # # # # #

> -------Original Message-------
> From: John Davidson
> Subject: RE: Last night's supper part one
> Sent: 15 Mar '09 23:54
>
> per the re: three parts. thereis nowt on the input on this comp. Sorry
> to say

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Saturday, 4 April 2009

A FAN OF THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

I haven't post may new posts for the John Davidson Fan Club for a while but I have a few emails racking up. I was going to do it this evening actually before 'Family Dinner' - rabbit casserole, kale, cabbage and home made bagels. Instead, I am checking my email and this comment appears about a previous post of The John Davidson Fan Club if you want to refresh your memory about, you can read it here.

Paul G has left a new comment on your post "THE G.A. RECOMMENDS A RESTAURANT":

Emma

I know I'm a year late but Schmidt's popped up today because I am meeting someone for a drink at the Charlotte Street Hotel.

Schmidt's was the first restaurant Iw as taken to as a kid. I remember it well because itw as so huge and two waiters - one Greek and the other Dutch - had a loud fight in the kitchen over a football match the previous night and my mother's freshly prepared food was flung during the altercation.
Cut to a few years later and my first job at a phot library around the corner.
Freddie Schmidt funded it; he was the son of the owner and incredibly Austrian/English. Schmidts had just closed down and Freddie was looking fore anotegr business opportunity.
I remember it lay empty for a couple of years at least - this was 70s London which still had bomb damage from WW2 - and seemed like a relic from the Vienna Secession, not the punk rock West End.

There you go.

From an old timer.

PX

Wow. A whole lot better than hate mail from Prancehall.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 12 January 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #21

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 10 January 2009 00:25
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: g'day, and g'day to you an'all. 1/4 to 11a.m. here, guess y'r in the scratch escaping from the cold and farkin snow?


That was a long and interesring e'mail, shagger. I like to read about your pursuits that haunt you dailySpecially about your mates who fall out about'usually' fuck all. Talking about cold, you'ld get a shock if you were home here, the Summer, HAS PASSED tASMANIA BY. The best we have had so far is 16 degrees C' Cold winds and rain, snow on the mountain, etc,etc.
Program on S.B.S. last night Secrets of the orgasm. So they built a see-thru plastic insert spectrum so you could look deep into her vagina. Supposedly looking for the 'G' spot. whatever the fark that is? Any way it did nothing for an aged 83 yr old, who'ld rather have a bowl of hot soup anyway.
Ain't that typical of public utilities, like they couldn't or wouldn't tell you over the blower how to change the farkin batteries. Oh no. you got to have a night school ticket and an electrician's certificate to change a battery. mate
Shower of faecal nobbies.
Sara and the family seemed to have had a fulsome festive season. G.F.luck to them. At least they didn't have to engage in solitary thoughts and on your own-ness. Though I think I might be glad if I tell myself the truth, because IO do find XXCENSOREDXX a bit hard to take. Thick as bricks. XXCENSOREDXX read a booki in(fiction that is)in his life gets on my tits. Specially if he beats me at chess. Young sAM AT6 YEARS PLAYS BETTER CHESS THAN i DID WHEN i WAS 10.Fuck the caps lock! He' could be a little champion the way he's going. learning to play.I f you hear a violent squeal over the oceans. you'll know the little fart has beaten his Grandpa? Makes you wonder, what is the worth of 70 odd years of experience when some bright spark comes up and digs a hole of defeat for you?
How's the Deutch going? Or has Le Langue Francois takenover? Hoe about a bit of low class Russian? "Yopt via match, ti chouyou garbati! You stuff yer mother yer hump backed prick!
SEE YA LATER MATE. i'LL SEND A SHORT TEXT TO TELL YOUTHE EMAIL IS IN YOUR COMP. i WAS GOING TO SAY BOX, BUT IT SEEMED IAPPROPRIATE!" those bloody caps lock agen. Sorry. I think the comp does it to annoy. Like the Red Duchess in Alice . The baby she was chucking pepper on 'only cried to annoy!
All the best kiddo. Don't know what we'ld talk about if you were here. Couldn't be worse than what I write on the comp?
Luv ex yer pa. XXXXX

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Thursday, 1 January 2009

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB NEW YEAR

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 01 January 2009 00:11
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: The festive season is over thanks to the fireworks.


I don't think your email of the 8th December really sunk into my addled consciousness when I read it the first time.Now having read it again your comments regarding XXCENSOREDXX are certainly no less than true. Although I don't think penises should be so maligned by associating them with that crunt. I remember being in similar circs with a XXCENSOREDXX of Sydney who saved me from deportation when the Harbour Police caught up with me, Not, love, just a bit of rumpy pumpy and somewhere to sleep til I got a flat and a job etc. When she came across a millionaire fisherman from Darwin who wanted to marry her, she offered me 200 pounds if I would let her divorce me? This meant he didn't have to know she was already married . Yack. Yack. Yack. I gladly accepted the 200 quid and moved on. But that XXCENSOREDXX heap of busted bumholes deserves a good kick up the anus, and if your sure you wouldn't rise to his advances IO would him a severe dose of S.T.D. I hope you are able to send an email. When I don't get a comment about an email I sent to you, I wonder if you are having difficulties with the system Windows offers ,here?
Hope your year does progress a little more happily my little mate. I always find I can make the thick shit which is my brain think more happily and positively When I think/tell it to. I am told quite frequently that I am paranoid, but I just tell them to G.F.
Luv yer poor ol' Dad. He's pretty rooted. Or Pretty and rooted!

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Monday, 8 December 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #19



Time for a little Christmas decoration on this blog I think as The G.A. has now sent out his Christmas message to all and sundry via email:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX]
Sent: 08 December 2008 04:27
To: Bob davidson; Dorothy Trace; Emma Davidson; paul davis; rose at work; rosemary davidson; Sally Foster; sally foster.; Sara; sheelagh; trent buckley
Subject: re: The festive seaonal greetings which most folk expect about now


Not another one? The fiest ten were quite exciting, but the last seventy three are becoming 'more of the same', if you know what I mean?
Let's face humanity is not sure of the birthdat, and many don't believe a virgin can have a baby and remain a virgin, AND The three proponents of the 'said' Son of God, Peter, Paul and Him were dealt with cruelly by the Caeser who maintained HE was the son of God. Paul had his noggin cut off, Peter was crucified and the buried on the cross upside down, and the other fella was crucified for the love of we sinners, which stretches the imagination because he upset the moneylenders and banks, the Jews and all other religious attenders who liked their own Gods and rituals.
However. be that as it may, if the current activities 'unscrooge' and therebye make you and the recipients of your kindnesses happy, may I,as a devout unbeliever hope for your personal Festive Happiness.
Cheers to you all ex-your aging friend, husband, father,uncle. Great uncle, Grandfather and companion to the aged , John.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sell your car for just $40 at CarPoint.com.au It's simple!

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Monday, 13 October 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #17 + 1

Two mails in my inbox this morning - from different people of course.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 13 October 2008 02:10
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: yer feet hurt?


Thanx 4 the email. Doesn't Telstra shorthand give u the shites? Thnx my arse! I just love the telstra system. A man writes something peurile, infamously rude, belittlibg to say the least and the farkin mobile says, "message could not be sent!" that really pisses me orf. How come your feet hurt sitting down all day? Like me I imagine the bones of yer arse would be the aching points? It certainly is with ,e. I think they make wheelchair bases especially hard to remind the 'wheelchair inhabitants' that they are not thei for comfort but transport. Th e bastards.
Just printed a note from Htmail about changing my 'password' to prevent 'scams. I might change mine to 'mother's milk' which shoukd be good 4 a sucker like me. The only thing is, will I remember which boob i'm sucking on? As a good friend of mine is wont to interject-Haha ha ha. But Ithink she uses capital letters? My Haha looks different.
Just organising a bit of spring planting, salad shite mostly, garlic, spinach, rocket lettuce etc, I'd like to propogate a few persimmon trees. Beautiful fruit. Trees are worth 40 bucks each, There are 2 in my bit of garden, but I think propogation is besat in Autumn?
See you later shags, all the best ex yer DadXXXX,


And:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well, i tried, you know.


he was, like i said, not very good in bed, but fun. we were at my place with two other of his friends. and yeah well, it was fun. Thick.... thick !!! i'm telling you !!

Each mail is as good as each other.

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 3 October 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #18

I managed to get a quick email out to my Dad last night after whining I was too tired...

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 03 October 2008 04:04
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: yo re yo farkin yo yo. p-yours


Fire alarm going off. Lunch just started. I ain't eating smelly half cooked fish anyway. I hope the kitchen catches fire! aND THE FARKIN COOK He wears a tall white hat and calls himself CHEF! His name is Roger Rider, I think he's as camp as a farkin badger. He thinks he has the rights to my salad produce from my bit of garden, lettuce, herbs, garlic etc. I hope he's first to lift a lemon from me lemon tree, I manure it liberally with MY urine. The farkin b!


Stockholm? Why'd ya don't take yer poor old dad, imprisoned here in a farkin aged care internment camp. Jesus OLD people are a severe pain in the anus. and some of them smell pretty crook too. I expect I don't have a lot of room to talk? Though 83 ain't too bad, but lots of other farkers seem to fall off the perch at 83. Wonder why? Maybe they didn't live the good clean, Christian life yer pa did?
Actually your email was a good booster to me. It was like your old self, uppy and busy and much happier.
I'm glad the long shite has dropped off the peg. Life's too short to have a grizzling, sarcastic prat hanging about. MEN ARE LIKE TAXI-CABS, MATE(FARK) they're two a penny, just whistle and they'll come a-running.
Good on yer, kid. Sounds like you have got back into a 'jack-pot' era? ££CENSORED££ quid a year should cover the cost of your night-club pissing on with Philippa?
Might even covwer the rent?
I know you'ld rather be looking at wall-paper when you're not at work so I guess I'd better 'coff, Real good to hear from you. LAV- NO Luv from yer ol' manXXXX.

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Sunday, 14 September 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #?!

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 September 2008 02:34
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: MY thanks for yr seemingly happier email.


The chapel is in the next room to this comp room, The Chaplain came and smiled at Max and I, then shook her head, wistfully. No hope for we two sinners, mate. Thiugh we are comforted by the thought that if Jesus loved sinners, we are due a bundle of love from the Hairy Ghost. O or off the cross.How'd you get the mozzie bites, Chalie? Not uncovering innappropriately in the park, I hope. Might be the same family of mozzies that bit my arse on V.E.Day at the end of WW1. I scored an A.T.S. SGT. She was on the Victory parade with us 'Old Soldiers(I was 19 and had four years under my belt including service in Italy. She was my first English blow through. The first was an ancient old Hungarian shiela in the snow in a paddock ioutside Trieste, Northern Italy. Her father was an Italian Mussolini Nazi. H e would have stuck a bayonet up me jacksie if he had found me on top of his daughter. I'm still here, so the bastard didn't see a mound of snow going up and down in the paddock. T.I.F.I He's dead now, for sure. So is she, I reckon. She was old enough to be me mother 60 years ago. FARK.
The bloody KIWIS DID US OVER LAST NIGHT AR RUGBY UNION Rhe black bastards. Though to be fair we were in front for the second half but we just hsadn't got the bottle to finish on top.
Thanks for he email, mate. You'll never know how much it brightens an otherwise pissy day when YOU commumicate with me. Thanks a lot. Keep up the good fight mate. Tomorrow Might be a better day. We might win the LOTTO.aND THEN WE HAVE TO BE PREPARED That we won't It's only muckin foney Cheers E.J. Thanks again. Kuv ex yer ancient DadXXXXX.

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Monday, 25 August 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #16 or so

It's a dog's life...




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From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 24 August 2008 04:57
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: Your unhappy news.


What a nuisance, for want of a better word. What stupid events has she perptrated to get herself in the dido? Nothing you can do to turn her around? XXCENSOREDXX If you were here in Tas then I could sign over my half of the house, then you could use it as security on a bank loan to create a busines here? Fark knows. Then again you aren't in a very receptive frame of mind after such bad news.
Keep pecking kid. it ain't the last job in the world.
Makes me think of Melbourne many years ago. Down to me last 8 bob. Bought a paper and applied to be Salesman for Dalgety's. Luck would have the Manager, Arthur Pattinson, ask me if I followed the footy. I answered , yes. Carlton. Arthur glowed and sai,"Good I'm a Drector for Carlton. Stood me in good stead for the next 12 years. as you know, or may remember?
Think lucky girl. There's always a bit of luck around the corner. Like you always say,"what goes around comes around." Mine is" Think lucky. You'll be lucky!" Though the golden eagle doesn't shit too often 0ut of the Lotteries. Strike me lucky. I only want a million to get us started'
See yer kiddo. Chun up and tell t.t.f.themselves.paXXXX

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If anyone else was having a bummed out moment, please feel free to take some of my Dad's advice for yourselves. There is plenty of The G.A.'s vibes to go around.



xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 18 August 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #13.5

Bugger - this one came on Thursday but I forgot to post it!! Sorry everyone.

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From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 August 2008 03:20
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: first day down, This is in answer to your first day down' a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?


I know rour'e busy etc. but you are the only one who has the brightest and appreciative of the 'rare' vulgaruty that sneaks into my writing. I don't have control over it, it just overflows as from a carbuncle pussing out of an infected follicle. God help us!
Our boss stopped me yestertday looking all harrassed and worn out, I asked "what's up Chook" To which she replied this place gives me the 'effein shits' (quote, unquote)
Evidently the Salvo's are giving her a hard time, which is easy for them , because they think they've got God on their side, What a load of bollocks?
The two chaplains are very pleasant folk, they are from the south of Edinburgh.
'Borderers' to be precise. Still they are Scottish and are fairly understanding of my antipathy to religion when I relate my earl days in Glsgow being a protestant at a predominantly Catholic school. My brothers and I gave blood noses to Catholic abusers every day we gathered in the playground for recess. Even the shit faced girls used to call out 'Protestant Bastards'
But that was a lot of yesterdays ago my little friend.I remember give ing one shiela a bit of a dunt up the arse to help her into the classroom for wittering shit at me.
Miss King sent me for the strap and book for violence on a female. She larraped six of the best on my hand. Which was fair enough. W hen I think of my father, thumping shielas isn't really fair play.
Itried deleting all my previous emails theother day, yours and mine but the flamin printer took a hand in printing the saved in drafts tray.
Some of the reading from each other is a good laugh!
Specially bits about what hangs in and out of best? Don't tell me youve relaxed you guard and let XXCENSOREDXX have a serve? Fark, (exactly)That's enough of your expensive time. I hope it get's more interesting for you mate? Luv ex PaXXXX.

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I promise that I will not let emails sit in my inbox for too long without posting them.

Well work again this morning and I cant believe that I am awake and happy at this time of day. Totally unheard of! On the weekend I was awake pretty early - the transition hasn't been that bad from slacker internet addict to SATC working girl. TCB. Anyway I better go and find something more appropriate to wear to work than pink polkadot PJ bottoms and a red Kon Tiki t-shirt [an old one of Max's he gave me!]

xx Lektrogirl

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THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #15

Dear All

Before posting my Father's opinions here from his latest email, I just want to re-iterate that they are MY FATHER'S opinions and not mine although I cannot speak for my sub-editor. Indeed - they may not even be my father's opinions either, he maybe just be saying them for comedy effect...

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From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 18 August 2008 01:34
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: MY ADDRESS IS the HOUSE WITH A BIG RED LIGHT SHINING OUT OF THE PORCH


tHANKS FOR THE WORDS/INFO. i MUST BE A GREAT RELIEF TO YOU TO KNOW YOU HAVE THE RENT AND TUCKER COSTS COVERED. Fark. You know why the expletive? I think my 83 rd year will be the last of controlled intelligence?
One other thing that springs to mind, you must gain great confidence in yourself that you are still elligble, and able to apply for, a,d get, a good job. I' m happy for you any how.
All I can say about the Olympic games is spectacularly boring. The Chinese are so far up themselves I'm sure they can taste their own faeces on the back of their toungue. Nothing unsual, really thet use their own shite to manure thier own home grown salad and veges. They sprinlkle glitters on the turds to make them more attractive! To smell or eat? I' m not sure. Cheers mate. 2 quick questions,
1.Where is your email computer?
2 When's the best time for you to recive.
3What is your mobile phone number? I'd HATE TO BE SENDING VITAL INFO TO THE THIEVING GIT WHO NICKED YOUR PHINE. fARK AGEN. Cheers mate. Luv yer. Take care. Put a mouse trap by the edge of the bed, be suprised what the XXCENSOREDXX man 'll get caught in it? At XXCENSOREDXX he'll prolly need a rat trap? Dadxxxx The comp just told me when I went to sign off that my message had not been sent. and that was after it had already told me it had sent it. so Ill send it again in case the F.R.E.D!

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xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 14 August 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #14

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 14 August 2008 03:20
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: first day down, This is in answer to your first day down' a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?


I know rour'e busy etc. but you are the only one who has the brightest and appreciative of the 'rare' vulgaruty that sneaks into my writing. I don't have control over it, it just overflows as from a carbuncle pussing out of an infected follicle. God help us!
Our boss stopped me yestertday looking all harrassed and worn out, I asked "what's up Chook" To which she replied this place gives me the 'effein shits' (quote, unquote)
Evidently the Salvo's are giving her a hard time, which is easy for them , because they think they've got God on their side, What a load of bollocks?
The two chaplains are very pleasant folk, they are from the south of Edinburgh.
'Borderers' to be precise. Still they are Scottish and are fairly understanding of my antipathy to religion when I relate my earl days in Glsgow being a protestant at a predominantly Catholic school. My brothers and I gave blood noses to Catholic abusers every day we gathered in the playground for recess. Even the shit faced girls used to call out 'Protestant Bastards'
But that was a lot of yesterdays ago my little friend.I remember give ing one shiela a bit of a dunt up the arse to help her into the classroom for wittering shit at me.
Miss King sent me for the strap and book for violence on a female. She larraped six of the best on my hand. Which was fair enough. W hen I think of my father, thumping shielas isn't really fair play.
Itried deleting all my previous emails theother day, yours and mine but the flamin printer took a hand in printing the saved in drafts tray.
Some of the reading from each other is a good laugh!
Specially bits about what hangs in and out of best? Don't tell me youve relaxed you guard and let the big fella have a serve? Fark, (exactly)That's enough of your expensive time. I hope it get's more interesting for you mate? Luv ex PaXXXX.

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Tuesday, 12 August 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #13

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 12 August 2008 01:30
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: re: first day down, a good learning day, and lots of quids to come?


I am here only from desperation. I 'boot' up this wretched machine, one handed I might add, only to find no words of solace from one of my special friends. agen and agen. Ces't La Vie, or in my case the prevailing winds of death!
How did Monday go? Do you have to solicit bodies for jiobs or interview likely applicants for business clients?
You could be lucky and strike a rich young colt, unattached, who welcomes a good looking young 'bird' to hid mayfair condominium(left to him by a maiden aunt who died of a broken heart, because her husband, his uncle, shot through with a young filly with large knockers? Not that kind of luck, me hearty? All I can lay (me eyes on) are mostly older than meFark!
There you are. short no questions of import, except I deleted your address when I WAS CLEANING UP MY MOBILE' SENT AND INBOX LISTS. and I therefore lost your address again. Can't send you any picnics, til you give me yer address agen.
How often do you read yer emails? Why not make it daily just before you vist mrs murphy? Then you won't have any thing pressing on yer liver?
XXCENSOREDXX. XXCENSOREDXX. Jesusus that's big upwards that is. XXCENSOREDXX over the end of the bed?
Email yer dear old dad, who married yer ma so you wouldn't be a bastard, but you've got the makings, without any help from mr. Tho I taught you all I know, Miss Brilliance!
See you later....via this page. L v from yer pa. XXXX

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Wednesday, 6 August 2008

GIVE AND TAKE AWAY

I woke up this morning - finally - to receive the following in my Flickr mail. It has lest me feeling totally heartbroken. How can this be? A random message from a complete stranger.

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06/08/08

Dear L

I’m writing to apologise for my borderline obsessive compulsive accessing of your blog.

You must admit, images of good food and vicariously experiencing jolly japes in dirty London town are quite seductive, addictive and an acceptable displacement activity. London hasn’t looked so good since irritant released the I-sound 7” back in the day.

However, you do have a point and I feel that I may not be able to adequately explain to my senior management team that it is appropriate for me to look at post-modern images of plates of food and nightclub toilets.

In addition, it may not be the most effective use of my time at work.

Therefore, I guess it’s time for me to clean up my desktop.

Goodbye Diana Scheuemann!, farewell Russian tramp racing,! Bless! Bless! Lektrogirl…

a new life for me.

kind regards, A.

p.s. I don’t think that is my IP address, so please don’t send any horse’s heads to my co-workers!

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Without dwelling on this too much, I will drag myself to the Worker's Cafe on Holloway Road for an omelette and coleslaw and then purchase the necessary dowelling to construct the makeshift stand for my new chromakey green roll. Mr Chips and I have a plan. The G.A. sent me another email this morning but only some sections are relevant if you didn't read the mail I sent him. And there is also some personal information regarding my latest interests in men which I don't feel like revealing. Pop's and I chat about all shit. But here are some edited highlights:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 06 August 2008 07:03
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on wed 7th August 2008. Needless to add, unusually quite elated.!


howdy shags, I already sent you a text about good news, Y.s. F.s No,I don't give you the credit for an adult aged 16 years, Sometimes I think you must be about six! As you often print HA.HA. yOU WANKER. XXCENSOREDXX? Your comment about teaching young folk about dealing with the future is very relavent.(how'd ya spell 'relevent?) Mind you even at my age it'soften hard to unravel the poxy governmental policies relating to any F.Thing.But then I always was a bit thick.
XXCENSOREDXX? Good show, mate.
I'm not exactly worried about you gettinng yourself up the duff. ai JUST WORRY THAT WE WOULDN'T BE THERE TO HELP YOU WHEN NECESSARY(FARK agen.Bleedin Caps LOck)
Any how you ain't u.t.d, enciente, preggars, so w.t.f am I worrying about? S.F.A.
Time to abandon ship EH? Got a job to do fer meself. Since I am of royal Scottish blood, it'll have 'glitters'n it. and so sparkle in the water!
Luv from yer DADA. WtFis that? PA.

What am I gonna do when this old bastard croaks?

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 4 August 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #12

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@hotmail.com]
Sent: 04 August 2008 02:49
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on monday 4th August 2008. Needless to add, solitarily pissed off and ,and,and!


and. What's going on? Ma TELLS ME THE CR/CARD YOUR HOLDING OF HERS IS NOW OUT OF DATE? hOW T.F DO YOU MANAGE TO EAT.? (Fark) Cos I did y usual caps lock trick. Pay yer rent? PAY YER LECTRICITY? wHAT ABOUT THE ww1 MEDALS VALUE IN England? Not worth a fark to me. Just reminds me that I was only 15 when I joined up and therefore was taken off the draft to Africa in whick 33 of the 37 men in my platoon were killed. But that was yesterday, little mate. The strange thing about living to 83 is that my father was the one who strode into the adjutant's office in his officers outfit, complete with the War O ffice red band insig nia around his cap, and told the man '"get my boy 'off that draft or you'll be in trouble with the press " Which of cpurse was what happened, Not that I am currently enthralled with the fact 'he' saved my life. H e made it farkin miserable for us all during all the time he was around, especially mother. Still, no doubt your memories of me, which you will recount in the future will no doubt put me well in the shite. Ah well, can't win them all, if any?
Tell me about your mobile. H ave you got a new one yet? I sent a text to the last number on a text you sent me. But I don't know who got it. The mobile didn't say 'message has not been sent, and it's registered on my 'sent' list on me mobile, So fark knows?
Please farkin email your correct address. Your mother says she can't remember it, and gorgets to look for it for me. She doesn't take me home anymore. She says it's too cold at home, and she has paperwork spread all over the ding room floor(and prolly the boyfriends' underclothes, shirt, etc lying around the bedroom. tHOUGH AT 66 SHE MAY BE PAST/PASSED it? Can't grumble. I don't think I would manage to get laid at my ripe old age? Which past/passed is right. I never remember?

Try hard to answer this email. Because IA worry about you , yoy little farker. Love from yer ol' Dad. At 83 I haven't got many emailing days left. So p.y.ff. out and work it on the keyboars.XXXX

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I love my Dad. I dreamt I was homesick though and went back to Australia and within two hours of being there I was homesick for my house and wanted to come back home. I don't know which is home any more. I also dreamt that a huge white snake tried to eat my laundry and was terrifying me. And there was another dream full of dogs and cats. Dogs, cats, snakes and Freud anyone?

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 31 July 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #???

The latest in a long line of emails from my pops.

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Subject: RE: sittin on me bum, bored to death on a Thurs
Date: thursday 31 Jul 2008 03:37:37 +0100
Hey Big wheel, how's things turnin?
Wrote a text to you and lost it. God I am I.T. illiterate. Still I was born a long time ago!
Finsbury Park? Iwas about 7 or 8 , Mum took us to f.p
one day after some firce rainstorm. On the grass I took me shoes orft and ran through a puddle, quite deep, and some penis had thrown a busted bottle in the puddle. Gashed me right heel. Mum got all excited and wrapped it up tight with a hanky. Coupla days it was healing pretty well but turned a bit septic. The old girl got a bit excited and threarened me with a visit to the hospital, so I got a pair off scissors and stuck the wound with the sharp point. Pussy splonge shot out and almost overnight it healed o.k. She blew shit out of me, saying I could have made it worse. Yeah.Yeah!
Just had a visit from a retired(pregnancy) care. Brady. She is a gargantuan woman 250kilos if she is a gram. Still we were good mates when she worked here so was her partner, Tim.
What do you reckon old war medals are worth? I've got mine, 2 lots of Uncle Bob's. See if they're worth anything in a medal shop. You might get a quid. I know they ask for $200 here if you want to buy one.
I'LL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO TEXT ME YER ADDRESS PLEASE. i CAN'T REMEMBER, NOR FIND YOUR ADDRESS.(FARK) Like I said thick as a brick on I.T.
Look after yerself little mate. Hope to goodness you are keeping the tucker up to yer constitution?? Have you got a mobile again? Cheers mate. ex yer pa.XXXX

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Monday, 14 July 2008

DELIRIUM / THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #10

I have spent the last days asleep, half awake, dreaming, imagining how I wish life was, dreaming, forgetting again, talking too late to randoms on facebook chats and now I am totally lost. I can't remember what I really said to anyone and what they really said to me. I would enjoy the feeling if it was accompanied by sore throat and sweaty brow!

I have had some really nice music sent to me [I know a bit weird but I was really into it at 5am the other night]



And I was reminded of some good times good jokes [I reckon I have watched this about 12 times]



I cried in Greek Street but was laughing by the time I got to Frith Street. Then I got to my street and delirium had started in.

Dad sent me another email:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com]
Sent: 14 July 2008 06:24
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: appropos of sfa as usual except it passes the time talking to an intelligent person


One certainly gets tired of listening to the aged cough their lungs up, dribble, talk incessantly of their bowels, aches and pains, their children
who rarely come and see them, the 'orrible food, much of which appears to have passed thru a human body before,
(like mince on toast, brown, runny, smelly and sits on toast which has wiped a bottom . Suck it and see!. XXCENSOREDXX bloke sounds a bit suss? Not a criticism just a comment in passing. Knowing you, you prolly frighten the shite out of him? He might be a cock virgin? If you end up the duff you can always come home? I'll sign over my half the house to you so you can borrow some dough to start a business. DON'T GO BRAGGING THAT BIT OF INFO TO YER MA NOR SARA)D,H or i'll send a witch to give you warts on the private parts
Just eating a bag og Smiff's chips Original. BUT THEY AINT ORIGINAL because the original used to have twist paper with salt in, nearly 80 years ago. Jesus your old pa is getting a bit aged. Still God's Chosen, the Pope. is 81, He wears red slippers. I wonder wot colour his drawers are? Dpes the pope have to wipe his bum. or does he have a bumboy?Cheers Darling daughter. Try not to scare shite out of yer dere ol' dad. Keep safe. PaXXXX

Just for the record I don't know where The G.A. gets the idea about the getting pregnant stuff from! Totally random. Cause I didn't say anything about that to him! Jesus. Even my own father calls me a slut. But then everything I learnt about sex I learnt from him anyway. I remember him drawing anatomical diagrams in the columns next to his crossword puzzle for me. I remember also sitting in the dining room when I was a kid listening to Dad in the living room talking to Grandpa talking about all the women they had sex with when they were younger. They thought they were being really discreet but they were both deaf they were practically yelling at one another.

Okay friends I feel that if I go on, I will be writing more than I should and my astrology told me today to be more circumspect... LOL

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. If anyone wants to bring me some food please do.

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Sunday, 13 July 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #8

I think it is number 8 or maybe 9 - either way it doesn't really matter.

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com]
Sent: 13 July 2008 05:44
To: Emma Davidson XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com
Subject: appropos of s.f.a.Except yer a lousy shite who doesn;t email her dad when she shouiod remember she can't text me and tell me she is stil in the land of tge almost living

Dunno woss happened here. I started typing but the faggot continued in the re: line, May e I forgot to shuft te curser. F.K?
How aew hings going?.- over the shock yet? Any signs of the culprit? The theiving plonker? Male or Female? Don't suppose you had time to notice. Bad cess on thebastard.
Any luck with a job? Do not actually know what is implied but the abjuration of 'bad cess? Probably means somebody will pour a bucket of shite on him. Because A 'cess was a pit into which theworking class emptied their bowels.Cheers. E'maile me or did he take your fingers too? yer pa.XXXX


And for an added bonus, here is a little something from my nephew Sam!

From: Sam
Sent: 13 July 2008 04:58
To: Emma Davidson
Subject:

hi auntie emma i hope you are having a good time in england i miss you emma i really love you emma i will always love you i will never ever not love you. i am going to a new school in devonport i will be nice to you next time you come down here for a holiday in australia. it was my daddy's birthday the other day and it was coutney's party as well daddy turned 34 and coutney turned 7. on wednesday it will be auntie rae's birthday auntie rae is turning 36 uncle mark turned 28. tom is going crazy so am i so is chloe it's winter down here today it's sunny on monday i am going to the dentist and i don't have to go to school i can go swimming from sam



xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 9 July 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FANCLUB #8

Well - I have been a dutiful daughter and been responding to my father's emails. So of course, here is his latest offering:

have you told your ma to do something to the card, like cancel it, toot sweet? Some bastard cleaning her out when she's trying to accrue enough to have the old pad painted an all, Fark, She'd fall pregnant! And that would be a miracle job. I' m only glad you're in one piece....ecccept the bits there are two of? Legs, arms and breasts, etc. Eyes, ears,cheeks,etc. I have nightmares about you exploring London, you dichead It's a dangerous corner mate. What happenned to your kickboxing? I though maybe you could have left him with one irregularly shaped bollock at least one?
What on earth did I say that curled your hair? I thought I cleaned it up to NOTupset your innocence. YEAH. (ony yokin,)
I'm trying to get a note of thanks to Sir David Attenborough before he or I dies. Just to thank him for being such a terrific presenter of wildlife, and giving me so many hours of pleasure and seeing so many animals I would never have seen in my lifetime, but I don't know how or where to send the email. What an illiterater I.T. person I am. I remember you two girls and the Apple comp we bought,"Dad, we've told you ren times how to do it" And I was only playing Packman You were only 6 and Sars was 4. you pair of Smart Farks.
There are 60 inmates and about 40 have had the turds and spew' We heard they might allow visitors from tomorrow. But I wont see ma till SAT. Which reminds me. Some smart arse invaded Prepaid mobile and cleaned me out of 20 bucks. My fault actually. I put my number into a stupid question,"Do you want to know when you will die? put your number in the box and we'll tell you.
I thought it was a Life Assurance probabilities thing. But 'no' it was a scam and they took 18 bucks out of me account. Sara bought the mobile for me but she can't remeber the pass word she entered, so TELSTRA can't follow the complaint up. Fark! See you later kiddo. Lunch up. and typing one handed is only Half the farking story.
Luv yer. Try to stop giving me nightmares. paXXXX

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Monday, 7 July 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #7

the cushion is on the chair Dejong's grandfather died in and he(your ex boy friend!) passed on to me. It is worn and tatty but is big enough to accommodate my arse. I quite often fall into a nap in it. I have had to find another hiding place for me pisso bags, since the pisso sister discovered where I hid rhem. The 'f' slag. I wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire, or touch her knockers if I had rubber gloves on. Jesus a man would have to be hard up.
GLAD YOU'VE GOT SOME GOOD MATES(fuck) Specially Max. Hard to believe that you are so near the house i spent a fair bit of my youth in. All three brothers have climbed the kindof steps around the front door to get into room over the front porch. We were all hell-bent to stick a bit into a bird called Angela. Mrs Shaw's niece, who was deh-initely a bit of a nymph. I reckon I must have told you about Bob giving her one against her front door(knee-trembler)wehen he heard mum coming up the stairs belo0w him. B ob dispensed his 'rice-pudding onto the carpet and bent down and covered it with the doormat, before ma saw his antics. Another time the old man heard Peter making his way down to her bedroom, so the 'old man' went hell-bent after him some minutes later. When fathwer got to the room he was stunned to find that P had used two frangers in such short time. Good luck to both of them. I'm stuffed if I know why,how, we didn't put her up the duff. We were eventually invited to her wedding to some poor barstard, though Mrs Shaw gave the three of us a bollocking for getting into a corner with her bottle of Drambhui Liquor! Being young wasn't real bad. Being old is a bastard!
If you went up the stairs in 55 till you came tho the penultimate flight. you would walk into the kitchen straight in front and the bathroom on the left' I the corner between the 2 door my old man had puta small shelf about bottom height.One day mum's maid, one Beryl ENGLEFIELD was poncing about like a horny woman so I hoisted arse up on to the shelf and gave her one. What did I hear but ma plodding up the stairs. Jesus! I managed to do me duty , whipped it out and ducked into the bathroom. I left Beryl there clutching at her skirt and drawers in a bit of a fever. But Ma either decided NOT to see, or thought the scene too distasteful to comment upon, because Beryl returned to work the next day, whereon I finished the job on my own bed. What a bastard yer dear old Popsie was/is?
Lunch calls buddy. We're in lock down. no visitors until the wog that spewed and crapped about 50% of the inmates subsides.
Thanks 4 the email. made my day, li ttle mate. Cheers, frae yer pa thedirty old b

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Friday, 4 July 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #6

Here is the latest email news from my old Dad:

Howdee partner, how's yer fukkin 'orse?
And OMPOLO!
Yeah ma got the 2 photo's of some good looking shagger. I stuckk 'em on me wall sio I see them when I'M LYING IN ME SCRATCH. wHO IS SHE? Left the caps lock on agen. Gawd yer ol' man is a twit. I keep me night bags under the cushion, (nite-bags which one attaches to the permanent leg bag catheter to save getting out of bed at night
(obviously) to empty the bastard that hangs on my leg all day. I'm dangerous enough lying down on the bed without trying to get up in the night. Why do I hide them because a day Sister goes into my private? drawers and nicks them when she wants one(saves the lousy cow walking an extra 20 meters to the store cupboard, even if it is my last one. She sprnds a lot of time in the pub. a Right Pisso. Her legs are shaped likle beerbottles and when she's been on it her eyes hang down to her nipples. And definitely one woman I wouldn't if she offered to pay me. Yeuch! Sniff up big ,there's plenty to go round . Got 0 go to tuckka Kid. keep yer spirits up. I just had 500 bucks O.A.P PUT INTO MYA'S ACCOUNT(FUCK) AND TOLD HER TO LET YOU USE IT IN CASE YOUR 'UNGRY. (FUCK AGEN) Ialways forget the C.P's
see yer later Kiddo. Luv FROM YER ANCIENT PA.XXXX

LOL!!

In other news I will be in Shop At Maison B on Greek Street for the next two days if you want to come buy and pick up some A.P.C. or SONIA by Sonia Rykiel in the sale! I can also be bribed with NOUGAT from the coffee shop on Old Compton Street or Roseanis macaroons from Laduree. And make mine a Soy Flattie from Milk Bar on Bateman Street.

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 11 June 2008

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Sorry for any delays... this wont publish for some reason...



It was the Linen Anniversary for Nameless and I the other day. It felt like Friday the 13th had come a week early.

I walked all the way to the chemist to learn I left my wallet at home, had to go back to get it. Yawn. Stepped out the door again and twisted my ankle a bit on the step down and fumbled my footing. All the hot estate boys down the road with their tops off and grey sweat pants on cracked up laughing. Then I noticed one of them was the jerky French guy who thinks there are spirits in the house at the end of the road and just hangs around pestering the tenants.



When I was young, my Dad used to have this orange t-shirt that said 'Have A Nice Day' in big letters, with 'Until some bastard comes along and fucks it up for you' in little letters underneath. There are people who really try. I have some happy memories and they aren't ever gonna disappear. No matter what anyone tries to demand from me.

My Dad has been sending me really funny and cute texts lately so I haven't had much to update with the John Davidson Fan Club via email. He always texts on the weekend to ask if the Cardinal and I are on the piss and to tell us to have fun and to have one for him. He likes to know if we are chasing boys and if either of us get lucky. I'm looking forward to the weekend already cause I know that the dramas of this week will be over and that The G.A. will be sending me texts from his wheelchair at home.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 19 May 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB [BY SMS]

The Father
Just worked out wot FYI TEXT Y MORE THAN MUM means. Goodness me! Fancy u knowing words like that? Specially to y'r old fashioned papa. R u in bed? What time ru?

The Child
I'm pissed in a club with my mate Philippa

The Father
Half yer 'f'in luck. Have one 4 me. Cheers 2 u both. Luv ya, Pa. xxx

And the next morning

The Father
How's the head? Both of you pissed yet? Cheers. Pa.

The Cardinal and I had such a great time on the weekend. Even though I was standing in the middle of Dalston with no clue where the fuck I was.

xx Lektrogirl

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Wednesday, 14 May 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

Unfortunately, due to the sensitivity of some of the subject matter contained therein, I was forced to XXCENSOREDXX sections of the last email from The G.A.

Takes me 2 and a half hours to s.s.s.* and dress myself each morning, which is why I am typing this note at 11.15 a.m.
Good to hear from you shags, NO I am not really a racist? I remember Ruthy Rare (rahray say) who was a New Zealand Moari and as dark as a fukkin blood sausage, Good fun though, Could play a ujke and sing like a thrush. Only quite little, hard to find in a double bed!!! XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX?
XXCENSOREDXX XXCENSOREDXX. shove it up yer joompa. Take ma's credit card and extract up to 20$ worth to buy yourself some British fish and chips. (think of me when you eat them!) I will give her my next fortnites allowance to cover your end. I hope to hell you can get a feed of f'n'c' for 20 $?
Yeah I know it must be tough having the imbalance problem. Specially if you got it off my side of the family. My ma and pa were quite a pair of fukkin wonkers during our lives. None of we three boys rarely ebver lived together, nor with our mother and father. We were always farmed out to one relative or another, even not relatives , just people who would take spare kids and bed 'em and feed 'em(like some old tart in Birmingham Mrs Hill) And Mrs Milligann in Renfrew street in Glasgow, et effincetera. Oo cares? that was yesterday and a whole lot of them ago. At least you and Sara spent most of your youth together, din ya?
I expect I was a bit of a pain in the arse. Selling grog and all. No wonder I ended up having a stroke.
I'll get a lottery ticket. We'll win 30 million and I'll come home! We'll live in the best hotel in Londinium! The Dorset? The Ritz? The park bench? Whatever
Luv from yer old fella. XXCENSOREDXX. cHEERS G.A. POPS.XXXX


I wish I could just leave that unXXCENSOREDXX cause it is so hilarious.
FYI - s.s.s. = shit shower shave

And thanks to everyone to wrote to tell me that they like my new video ALL OF MY FOR ALL OF YOU. It is always nice to receive positive vibes. We have all witnessed some odd behaviour from others on this blog of late. But like Lady Sovereign sang [I know - quoting her! YGM! LOLZ - but also kind of fitting]:

"Love me or hate me I'm still an obsession,
Love me or hate me that is the question,
If you love me then THANK YOU
If you hate me then FUCK YOU"



The best thing about that video is one of the garbage men who throws "Sov" in the truck is Jeyjon who used to be in Dead or Alive. NO JOKES.

xx Lektrogirl

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Monday, 12 May 2008

JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

So I haven't heard much from The G.A. of late - but it seems it was my turn to get in touch with him anyway.

----

Bored to tears. Sick to death of aged wittering twats of 'THE DUMPED ELDERS OF THE COMMUNITY' God help us we don't contribute much to current events. Penty of hot air, but what else to do?
Ofcourse one can wait patiently for a word from an errant daughter. Word to know she has eaten enogh to subsist, that she has a quid to pay for necessities and that some bastard hasn't done the wrong thing by her---apart from your best friend the Tin Tank, of course!
I think of him as the Crunt from Chigago. Still, as you have told me a million times, what goes around comes around. And even you must admit poor old Dutchy DeJong suffered a bit? pOOR DULL BASTARD. Still I would be lost without his Grand Daddy's big arm chair in which I plant my bum most days for a bit of private reading time. And I hide things under the cushion from prying eyes.
Lunch is up, kid. Luv yer to bits. Hope things are bearing up and all? Love DadXXXX


----

I wish The G.A. didn't say that about the Dutch Boy because I still think of him and wonder where he is and what he is doing and if he will ever talk to me again. Dad is right - I wasn't the greatest. I'm sure he wouldn't even want to hear me say sorry. But some of my happiest memories are with this guy. And some of my biggest regrets. I didn't think he was dull. As for the 'Crunt from Chicago' next time I hear from Dad he will have a go at me about something mean I did to him as well. So fickle! So I take that with a pinch of salt. As the crunt should too.

xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 20 April 2008

THE BEST FRIDAY

At the depths of despair - or maybe it was chronic PMT - I rang my Mutts the other night crying about everything and nothing. [It is a long story.] And like a superstar she knew just the fixer. She told me to get £20 out of her bank account and go and do something nice the next day. So obviously I went and did the best thing you could do on a Friday in London - I went to Borough Market.



Like everyone else who sees these, I am always totally captivated by them hanging there at the stall at Borough. One girl came up to me after I photographed them and asked me if I thought the stall owners should be allowed to display them there. She thought that they should be hidden. I mean - I could see what she was saying, but I didn't see it as any different to all the other meat on display all over the market [albeit without fur and cute ears] or the fish in the fabulous fish stall which is my personal favourite stall.



Granted the rabbits did stink of blood. I asked her if she was a vegetarian and she said no. She just felt that the display of rabbits was 'a little violent'. The rabbits just made me think of when I was young and we had 'pet' rabbits that were actually bought to grow for meat anyway. But my sister and I had befriended them all and been playing with them regularly taking them out of the cage and letting them run all over the garden. When I went out to the garage one day to see The G.A. almost at staggering stage from a lot of whiskey and a half skinned rabbit hanging from the corrugated iron roof I felt really awful. I asked The G.A. if I could have a go at skinning it, he said yes, I ripped off some pelt and it sounded like Velcro ripping apart. I felt even more awful. Then later at the dinner table, I felt more awful still.

Anyway back to Borough Market.


The money Mutts gave me I spent at Brindisa on tortilla and chicory salad and a coffee. All for £12.04 [including service.] I made the chicory salad for myself the next day for lunch it was so good. And the tortilla was pretty good - warm and gooey - but not as good as the tortilla from La Rosa in Madrid!

Then I went and bought a variety of snacks to be had with Prosecco while Cardinal and I prepared ourselves for Deano's birthday. Focaccia bread, beetroot hummus, fresh tomatoes, blue cheese and garlic olives. Venom also came over but he broke one of my limited edition Babycham glasses that Max gave me as a present when I still worked at the shop. I was drinking 'Rose Royals' [prosecco and French rose syrup] while Cardinal had prosecco with Bush Liqueur I brought back from Tasmania made with Pepperberries. Anyway as soon as we got to the party, and the Imodium I gave Venom to stop him pooing all over the place worked it was good times all round.

And now by Sunday morning, the misery has gone and I am much happier! Thanks Mum.

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 18 April 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB 4

I'm not so interested in my life at the moment so to fill in some blanks to let you know I am still alive, here is a note again from my father:

Why did I join the Guards? Good question. Why does anyone do stupid things that stuff up their life.? My father was in the Scots Guards in 1918. He was AT Uni in Glasgow studying medicine When he got his leg over some professor’s daughter and duffed her. T o avoid the disgrace of thos days he flucked orf with the flidgeons and joined the Guards. That was my only reason for joining those ‘elite’ soldiers. No not really, I was in a class above my age they must have been 17 and I was only 15, They were all up market and brave volunteering to fight Hitler’s hordes So I didn’t want to be left out, I put on me Home Guard uniform and shiny boots went down to an army signing up place and signed on for 12 years- that is 4 years with colours and 8 years in the reserve. When you are on he reserve you got paid 6quid a quarter and had to spend a week at training camp every year keeping in nick, Piece of cake. Jesus! Wot a prat. Still. I learned to drink, Boxing and athletics generally, And NO. no Sex until I was 19. supposed to be bad for maintaining physical fitness in those days?

Unfortunately there has been one reader complaining to my inbox that he isn't interested in my father at all, but never mind. You can't please everyone all of the time.

Today I will be venturing south of the river Thames in search of Deutsch delights with which to stuff my face. Tonight is Deano's birthday party, Dat Politics are in town, their show is on Sunday night and so is Go Bang! - what to do?!

Okay - so my Pet Shop Boy's 12" for One More Chance has reached the end after about it's 6th successive play - I better get a move on.

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 15 April 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB 3

Oh and I got this in my inbox today from The G.A.:

wHY DID i END SLEEPING ING THE LITTLE PARK(dUKE OF bEDFORD'S LOT? CAN'TREMEMBER for sure. 1, it was the closes free space to home and had a coupla big trees to pee against in case of emergencies, and the old man had a bad attack of S. ON THE LIVER and he said he could smell alcohol on my breath, the sharp nosed prat, I'LD BEEN PLAYING SNOOKER UP IN THE nAG'S hEAD hOLLOWAY with some mates from nght school and had drunk one pint of rough cider. Do you find the Caps lock a pain in the cock, whereever? I inevitably forget the rotten things on. As YOU HAVE NOTICED.

What sensible question was I going to ask you? Yeah. XXCENSOREDXX? did you get over the minor problem of being crook. Did the XXCENSOREDXX girlfriend keep her snot-faced visage out of your probs? Hope your happier now.

I think you and I must E.S.P relative to not feeling too good. Ever since that bloody fall when I cracked my scone I felt like shit. Even right now, stretch a meter of green snot and admire it gleaming in the sunlight. Stretch it and snap. the loose end flips back and gets you in the eye. Fark!

What was the other question you askrd me? Ah yeah. the black pipe! that was on the Victorian built nurses home added to the Gloucester Royal Hospital. Led up to the top dormers just under the roof guttering, Dorothy(1st wife) used to sleep therein. after a few beers the only way to a quick snog was to climbthe friggin pipe,all six stories of it! Not long out of the Scots Guards your old fella 20 I think , was one fit twat. But that wasyesterday, 81 years of the blinders. And I loved them. Except me old man. I can rememember my mother muttering to her self at his regal funeral"I' m glad he's gone. Bit rough but ththe bugger used to wack her stupid. XXCENSOREDXX? Must go shagger. Though me lunch is a couple of Saos and a cuppa Orange PekoeCheers Buddy. Miss yer. ALL THE EFFIN TIME, Yer pa.xxxx


Not wanting to sound too much like a perverse version of the Pussy Cat Dolls, don't cha wish your Dad was cool like mine?

Obviously now it is going to need to be discovered - where was this pool hall - as this is now in my neighbourhood. Also night school? Doing what? And I need to get him to tell the story of the Scots Guards.

LUNCH TIME. I going to go to Archgate and have a kofta wrap I think with garlic sauce and salad and chips. They are the my favourite cafe / restaurant in North London. They are directly over the road from the Archway tube station and I have now been going there for years.

xx Lektrogirl

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MONDAY 15TH APRIL REPORT



Have I told you all recently how much I love Teki Latex? I love him!

Today I walked in the rain all on my own through London feeling sad cause a part of my died today and it was horrible and I cried and I felt terrible. But SO relieved that all the problems I got are my own and not the weirdness of someone else. Anyway the destination of my walk was 55 Doughty Street - the old house of The G.A.



I also took a few pics of surrounding pubs that he had described to Mutts. The wind was icy and my feet got really cold. When the hell is the warmer weather coming?!

We all know I regularly dream about someone who wishes I wouldn't. Last night he was in love with my sister who for some reason looked like Jessica Simpson in daisy dukes and showing a lot of butt. I don't know how successful he would have been with her cause he was wearing a gauze nappy full of shit and rubbing himself against my leg getting a stiffy. So weird.



Time is really passing.



On a lighter note, I was walking up Tottenham Court Road with a certain friend who was going to pull something out of the oven for me and we followed for a while this trio of finely dressed chaps - what a bunch of faggasaurs!

The one on the left had the peachest butt I had ever seen - and his jeans seemed tailored to give him a girls bum. In fact what jeans were they? My friend declared they had to be Dolce and Gabbana cause 'a queen like that would go straight for the Dolce and Gabbana' [mainline obvs] but I was so confused - the label looked like those little metal plates on the Marc Jacobs bags... Can someone please fill me in on that?

The guy in the middle was like the third wheel on the bicycle. His clothes were like the look of the other two but recreated with ill fitting finds from H&M. Only he had a really nice bag.

Finally, the guy on the right had us in hysterics - what is with this heavy chambray style mix jacket with the shoulder shits with black leather gloves and dark jeans. He looked like a psycho. And the jeans... hang on a minute... "those jeans are from Celine and they don't make a men's line!" I guess he had problems walking in them cause he was as stiff as a rod all the way up the road, even when the guy from the far left came over and put his arm through his, not an inch of warm, not a leaning in, a bend of the arm, even recognition this guy existed. Maybe he was just so dead set to get to the 134 bus stop all the way home?!

Anyway - dark day - and check this out:

I cried today, walked through the wind and rain and was cold, waited half an hour for a bus that wouldn't let me on cause the machine ate my money, had to get a tube, waited in line to top up my oyster card and had no change cause I'd lost it in the bus ticket machine, realised the tube machine didn't take notes and had to go and queue up again at the window and talk to a man. AND DESPITE ALL ODDS - STILL A BABE - STILL GOT THAT PHOTOFACE TM - STILL GOT THAT VIBE - STILL GOT THAT BABE HAIR - REGULATORS!!! MOUNT UP!!

xx Lektrogirl

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Friday, 11 April 2008

THE G.A. RECOMMENDS A RESTAURANT

I woke up this morning to see that The G.A. had replied to my last email. Here is what he had to say:

thanks for the email,kid. Really made my day, Yeah! Not only heard about the snow in London but they lavished extensive photos showing around the parks and suburbs of the same city. Bloody beautiful, not the shagging snow, but the memories of my childhood. the squre in which I slept is in Guildford Street just along from the end OF Doughty Street wgiis parrallel to Kings cross road. We used ro live in the top flat of 55 Doughty street. The front door used to look quite imposing if nothing else. The next street along Guildford street from DoughtyLamb's Conduit Street you turn left up to just along is/was a very aged pub called the Lamb. our old piss-up pub. Even your Granma Lidge had a few in their over the years. A bloke called Rndall Keane used to own the place. He was married to a woman called Jean, but that didn't stop the horny drunk taking a shine to our ancester. Mu used to piss him off pretty quick. I must have worked in the pub for two or three years before I joined the Guards. So I HAD MY SHARE---By the fukkin gallon. Good 'sore head days ' need I remind you? If you ever come across some dickhead who wants to take you to lunch, and he's posh enough get him to take you to 'Schmidt's resaurant in Piccadilly , or it may be Leicester squsre be in the book anyway. Eisbein und Sauercraut, with a bottle of cold white, and crusty rolls.Beadifull. I f I could have a wish Iwould take you and stuff the expense. Yer ma's going up to Sara for Tom's birthday. I think I prefer that tho having them travel down five in one car
See you, or read you in the near future I hope. Love from the old G.A.XX WHO has the pleasure of being yer Dad.


So straight after I Googled this place Schmidt's he refers too. Unfortunately it closed in the 70's and I guess what he called Piccadilly, is Noho now.

The restaurant was at 35-37 Charlotte Street. The building there formerly housed Schmidt’s Restaurant, which had been on site since 1901, when Frederick Schmidt, an immigrant butcher from Wurtenberg opened a delicatessen. He became a British Citizen and served during the First World War as an army cook and opened a restaurant on his return. It was famous for its rude waiters and good food at cheap prices. Apparently, the Soviet spy Donald Maclean spent his last day in Britain at the restaurant before fleeing to the Soviet Union in May 1951. The restaurant closed in the 1970s.

The dates etc dont quite make sense for me in that - I just copied and paste it from this document which makes interesting reading. I also read on this website that London's German population had settled north of Oxford Street where Charlotte Street was sometimes known as 'Charlottenstrasse'.

I better think of an alternative restaurant to suggest to Pops as that one isn't open any more. He is also going to shit when I tell him that 56 Doughty Street sold for £3,000,000 last April.

Check this:
Completed in 1790, Doughty Street is an exclusive period tree lined avenue within a popular and prestigious Bloomsbury location. The Grade II listed district has witnessed a wealth of historical events and noble residents who lived or worked in the street.

Charles Dickens lived at No 48 between 1837 and 1839. Whilst living at Doughty Street he published some of his most famous works, including Oliver Twist, The Pickwick Papers and Nicholas Nickleby . During this time, Doughty Street was gated at either end, and manned by porters.

Apparently now, Artemis Hunting Ltd run an office from there - shooting holidays in Croatia! OMG! From their website:

Touch Extra
Specialist Services:

Great costumer service,the best value for money,personal eskort from UK and guiding during the shooting holidays in Croatia,enthusiasm and passion about our business.
Services Offered:

Shooting holidays in Croatia,driven boars,bears,deers ect. Accomodation,food,drink,driving from to airport in Croatia,1 year licence for shooting in Croatia,apartments on the island of Pag-Novalja.www.artemis-hunting.com
Conveniences Offered:

Money back Guarantee Price Match 24 hr opening Customer service / helpline Emergency call out


Okay, well I won't tell you what Doughty Street was like during the 1930's, I'll see if I can get The G.A. to tell us himself which will be more fun.

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 10 April 2008

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB

Well it seems that my father's email which I post on my blog recently has shown that he has a LOT of fans. Everyone I have bumped into since then has been like OMG I love your Dad. Cool.

So, here is a picture of his room at the home where he lives:



The dedicated observer will be able to count a number pictures of me on the wall to give variety and contrast to the little blonde heads and cute faces of my nephews and niece.

Now, I have an audio treat for you all - a little 400K MP3 of The G.A. telling us about his experience with his Internet Service Provider. Click here and listen closely.

And another tit bit of information about my father, The G.A. He is a very funny man and has made a number of classic jokes through his time. I would say an equal proportion were intended vs accidental. Anyway, this is my personal favourite joke.

The council wrote a letter to my father to remind him that the registration on the family dog Winnie [a corgi then buried under a rose bush] was due for renewal. My dad sent a one line letter back to the council saying, "Thank you for reminding me my best friend is dead."

I will endeavour to keep you updated on the life of The G.A. when I can.

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 1 April 2008

A NOTE FROM HOME

My Dad occaisionally gets it together to send me an email when he can. Here is the latest:

Howdy. Fuck knuckle haven't heard from you 4 yonks. Wot r u on? can't be speed ya friggin lurcher. Mind you wouldn't be surprised wot you'ld have a puff at?
How's the painting. Finished? Dick of a job unless you really like playing with a bit of btush?
Been to Deutchland recently? Got a new resident who is P lish but yaks away in German quite a bit. Keeps me on me toes
Sara brought the kids down for a couplea days, Goodness me they have grown. and get smarter every time you see them.
Took a tumble in the bathroom the other day. Jesus your head bleeds. no stitches. just a pressure job and plastic pull togethers. Fme that hurt, the wheel chair tipped backards when I overcalanced into it'BANG knocked meself like a light' not sure how long out, but long enough for a puddle of blood about a meter across to drip into the drain. Fark! Hurt the muscles in the back of me neck moostly. Silly twat,(me!)

I hope everything is well with you, mate? I wish I could take you to some of my old hasunts in Londinium. Maybe not if the population are still alive they've got to be a bit oldish--eighty-ish or more. Fark.
See you. YER DAD WHO LOVES YA. cHEERS.



xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 16 March 2008

THE LAST DANCE


Well the other night was Abbie and Lee's going away party before they move to Berlin at the end of the week. I was sexual as ever.


Sadie, Cardinal and I say cheese but in our hands you can see two glasses of Millers Gin. Thanks to Cardinal, my life is changed. The world's best gin. I didn't even have a hangover or cry one self pitying tear. Maybe it wan't gin but pure liquid delight!


When I look at pictures of myself like this I see why I have developed The PhotoFace [TM]. Here Richard and I are imagining all the deviant positions Cardinal was being lured into with the array of men and couples who were coming up to her and buying her drinks. NONE of our scenarios were as bizarre as to what happened to me later in the evening.

One guest of the party, let's call him Alexander, arrive with three friends. One of the friends was a beautiful Polish girl, who's name I never found out. She was dressed in a look I would describe as Matisse Woman in a Red Room vs. Ken Done in silks and and a fake fur. So for the purpose of this story, her name is Matisse. There was another girl, who was dressed all in black with bright red lipstick. Her nose was a bit hooky. Her name can Meredith. She is also Polish so probably that wasn't her name. I could not tell which girl was Alexander's girlfriend - Matisse or Meredith. One minute he was dirty dancing with one, the next minute with the other, then the girls were kissing passionately on the lips. The last of the group, a very tanned French man in a grey woollen waistcoat with an incredible double zipper pocket detail was from Nice and Cannes but he was sick of it there. He told me my hair needed cutting. I just needed to go to the salon and ask for the French one. He was the only French guy there. Then it seemed that Meredith was his girlfriend - the were kissing and dancing. Meredith leaned in and told me that she had only met the French man that day. Matisse came from the bathroom with a bow of toilet paper around her head. She sat next to me and we began to talk. She asked Meredith if she was a bitch. Meredith replied how sweet she was and began stroking her hair. The pair of them kissed again. Matisse told me that Meredith was her sister. Then Alexander came over and Matisse had her hand up his top, while Meredith had her hand down his pants. They left, then Matisse returned to tell me how lovely it was to meet me. As I had no intention of becoming a fifth in their group I said 'Yes' and nothing more. But laughed to myself about how I attract these crazy people whenever I am around Lee and Abbie... A nice well brought up girl like me...


I was pleased to find out that my Bettina Rheims La Chambre Close book was now worth a lot of money. So I decided against pulling some pages out to frame and put on the wall. I will make a trip to the photocopy shop with it instead.

My four year old niece has started taking pictures herself. Here is a portrait of her two year old brother Tom:


She is also adding make up artistry to her CV:


And the last news from home, other than my father calling me a fucking Punjabi via SMS the other day [today he told me to tell my evil fork tongued mother to get fucked... such a charmer...] is Sam has lost his two front teeth.



Oh God - it feels like 4am and it is only 9.30pm

xx Lektrogirl

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Thursday, 6 March 2008

I'VE LOST MY FAMILY

Not wanting to sound too grim about it, but Mutts and I were discussing the things I wanted from the house when both of my parents 'go to the other side'. I can't really remember what I said now other than some old crockery - in particular the jug with the handles stapled back together in the wartime days when there was no glue. I was going to make a really awful joke then about prisoners of war then but thought better of it. After getting banned from Venom's blog for real [tho' he tried to reinstate me and said he couldn't work out how... a likely story...] I'm trying to be good - honest Gov'. Anyway so - when the G.A. moved into the old man's home, most of the chutch went up to the Auction Mart to pay for the credit card bills Mutts discovered so it is kind of slim pickings but there is still some good stuff there - like the matching jug to my polka dot teapot.

GOD! WTF am I on about...

So, I went looking tonight to find pictures I had taken of my family in college years. I have loads of old prints that I developed myself in the top of the linen closet [no I don't have a boiler in there in case you were shitting yourself about the paper] but I knew I had rescanned them at some point. Ergh - I couldn't find them anywhere in my GIGABYTES of random online storage space, but I did find these online. They are pictures of my distant relatives on my Mutt's side from a really cool old family album that I have dibsy bags on before my sister I hope.




This guy always reminds me of Squarepusher. Do you see it?




The one on the right looks like a man in drag.










What is up with those devil's knot tie side buns on that lady?


SPANIEL HAIR-DO




I have always felt a resonance with Misery Guts here with the dog.


Dude on the left looks stuffed.

If you can make out what some of the scratchy spider writing says it is quite funny. It is a shame I resized the scans cause the book is much larger in real life. Oh well I'm always a fucking idiot somewhere along the way. And if I've actually got ahead in life for a few days some asshole always comes along to put me right back in my place.

You know who you are.

xx Lektrogirl

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Tuesday, 18 December 2007

WELCOME TO HOBART


So this is Christmas weather in Tasmania. This is also the view from the main road from the Hobart International Airport. So far I have seen Magpies and Plovers. No facier birds than that, but when I woke up this morning I heard cockatoos. No kooaburras.


Dad has had something done to his eye. He has this amazing thing over it to keep it protected. Awesome. Dad is a bit worried though cause for every procedure he has been to the Royal Hobart Hospital for they have fucked it up - and he is worried he is gonna end up blind. I don't blame him for being alarmed. Poor GA.


The Mutts always walks into the bathroom from the kitchen when you are talking to her to have a wee and sits there talking to you with the door open. To make her stop doing it, I'm going to photograph her every time she does it. She said she wouldn't normally care but she does know that I will put it on the internet.

Later she took me for dinner at this place in Moonah called Salt. If you knew Moonah when I was growing up you would find the whole thing unbelieveable. There weren't even any good chip shops there and the only place was the Pub Cooley's. Anyway through dinner Mum showed me her own gang sign she had developed without any direction from me:

WHAT A PROFESSIONAL!!
She also made me laugh today when she was checking out my Nimbuzz on my phone and I was chatting to Nameless. She saw that he had called her a rathead for stealing my Chanel slides all the time. She said "I wouldn't have thought he had time to sit there talking to me. Surely he should be spending time with his new girlfriend." I mean she was joking, but I can see where bitchy parts of my sense of humour come from. The crass part is all my father. [P.S. For anyone who might take that the wrong way - MY MOTHER WAS JOKING.]



xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 28 October 2007

LIFE IS A STEAMING BOWL OF SHIT

My father is famous for a lot of his quotes in my family, and the above was a regular in dad's catalogue. The tie in here is not about how I am feeling, but about the number of scat ref's I have had in as many days this weekend.

Superduck sent me this:

This is probably the biggest load of girlpoo ever featured on the internet and possibly in the world. Myranda Didovic (22) was constipated for little over a week due to I.B.S. when this scene was recorded.

And view images here. This is NOT for work unless you work in my office.

xx Lektrogirl

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Sunday, 8 July 2007

YOU'LL HATE IT ANYWAY

Even though most of you Englishes hate the French and even more, hate French rap, this is my blog and I love France, I love French men, I love TTC [but I hate French women and any squat toilets remaining in France.]

I find this hilarious.



"Teki" is so ugly I can't believe it.

My father also hates the French however and says "At least I can respect the Germans. In the war, at least you knew whos side they were on. The French could never make up their minds." My father is 80 and lied about his age to join the army at the time of WWII. Ask him about the Maginot Line. He nearly cries laughing.

Wikipedia says: Generally considered one of the great failures of military history, the term "Maginot Line" is now sometimes used as a metaphor for something that is confidently relied upon, but ends up being ineffective. External observers came to believe the French propaganda: the line would make France impervious to invasion. When France fell in only a month, the blame was squarely laid upon the line.


Would make a great cubby house. but so inneffective it wouldn't keep your little sister out.

xx La Lektrogirl

P.S. To all the Frenchies out there [at least the ones with regular toilets] JE T'AIME. If you wanna take me to one of these little cool cloches and make out just lemme know.

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