CONSUMER COMPLAINT

Dear Ms Chanel

I wanted to write a letter of complaint to you regarding two maquillage products I have purchased from one of your concessions recently, in Selfridges.

Based on the fact that the two 'rouge a lèvres' I purchased were similar to a Christian Dior lipstick I had stolen from me a while ago, I felt confident with the assurances from the marketing of your brand with the two colours I walked out of the store with would be more than adequate to mend my broken heart.

However I am bitterly disappointed on the performance of your product. My Christian Dior lipstick in Indian Red, even though was years old had maximum coverage, staying power and an intensity of colour that made all men turn in the street. Both lipsticks I bought from you - Passion and New York Red - are greasy, slippery, bleed and last about 20 minutes before needing another application.

My Christian Dior lipstick was not an impotent monkey dick or a weasley dog's dick of a product and I am indeed inferring that your products are both those things... in fact... maybe even of lesser standing. I rue the day I decided to choose your product over Yves Saint Laurent - which even if the lipstick had been of equal quality, at least it comes in packaging which makes carrying a compact mirror obsolete.

Going forward I shall never be wearing stands of pearls, linking my C's as I doodle on notepads while on the phone or considering getting a chin length bob with a tan.

Yours with a bitter fair well

Emma Davidson

P.S. I'm only bitching about the make up and not the wicked slides I have - they are still rocking!

SERIOUS MOMENT

The Cardinal and I spent some time tonight wondering if it was wrong to even go on a play date with a married man. I told her this is a question we need to address at our age as it will soon become relevant.



Speaking as a woman who was once married who was play dated on by her husband, I would say it is pretty tough when the news breaks. But then in my situation, the couple were actually banging. Which is why I got so pissed off. I am also one of the most jealous people on the planet you could possibly meet. [Except I had an epiphany about this yesterday and I realised I didn't want to be jealous any more and I spent today with a lifetime of jealousy about things just passing through me - experiencing it all again. Weird.]



I still remember some advice my best friends' mother gave me when I was 18 or 19: "If you can't get your own, steal someone else's." But that isn't a play date.

So play dates with married men - I don't know.



I just know that my love life isn't as rubbish as I make it out to be - there is some magic in the air - even if there is a lot of room for improvement. I dreamt someone was the archetype for all men last night. It was a super intense spiritual dream that came out of the thunderstorm.



Who knows what the future brings.

xx Lektrogirl

YERRR REALLY HIDEOUS

It is no secret - I have been really vile lately. To everyone. To myself. To one person in particular who I think the world of and I have been a TOTAL loser. To other people who I have met along the way and really wasn't thinking clearly. I can't scrub any of that out. I wish I could. But I'm so like Cher on a warship right now you'd be like confused as to who was who. You Get Me?

So what changed? Well having someone unhappy with me really wasn't a good look. But waking up and feeling homesick and hung over and dreading another day unfolding. It felt like a long time ago. I really thought those days were far behind me. The turning point came when Fambles came over and watched TV with me. I did nothing but lie there while Fambles watched some show about the pilgrimage to Mecca. We didn't speak. Then today was the cure: I got the opportunity to have a big cry in an office with a man I just met [I don't know why - I always find men easier to talk to, especially strangers] and then I scooted off into town to meet Fambles again and go shopping. It was so good to have some serious old jokes times on a spiritual level.

*******
I just tried to explain two of the best jokes from the day and one involved preferring to get AIDS than have unprotected sex and the other about a guy with a camo backpack who walked past us. Neither joke translates at all.
*******

So yeah, the storm is over for now. I've been a dick. I was totally why u onnu bad mind? Like totally getting your period in a posh pair of expensive knickers. The worst. [This did not actually happen - it was an allegory: i.e. ON A PAR]

xx Lektrogirl

TODAY TAKE TWO

So Flickr is back in action. Well not so many pictures yet cause I ran the battery down taking 1000 pictures of myself trying to work out all the settings on Mrs Kipling's Leica. It seems to be a very cold and unforgiving camera.

I went into town - everyone was L'Orealing themselves with me time [because they are worth it] - so it was a solo mission. And at more than one point I felt myself to be like a helium balloon and having trouble breathing. I think that it is still my flu. I didn't really enjoy my lunch at the Nordic Bakery today and Ladurée left me feeling a little short changed.

However through the throngs of foreign students w/ colour coded backpacks queuing outside Abercrombie & Fitch [much to the chagrin of not only me trying to get to the Burlington Arcade but to the small packs of homosexual men in distressed denim, crisp shirts and aviator sunglasses who couldn't believe they were going to have to line up to cruise A&F] I decided a few things concretely for myself:

1] Lord Fauntleroy is right. I deserve better.
2] I'm banning myself from Facebook for a while. I've turned into a wasteman. I speak in LOL speak to shop assistants. YGM. Not on! [OJ LOL]
3] And I can't go on letting myself look like this any more:



JESUS CHRIST. I've been acting like it back like 1996 - 1999 again and that wasn't a good look then.

Having said that though, tonight is WORK IT and yerrrr DANCE!

xx Lektrogirl

SPIRITUAL

Emma's Personal Hexagram:
21: Cutting Through

Saturday, July 19th, 2008
Hexagram 21

General Meaning: The situation calls for confronting a tenacious knot and cutting through it. Somehow, the way to harmony and unity is blocked or frustrated - perhaps by a tangle of deceit or corruption. Like Alexander the Great cutting the Gordian knot, take decisive action and you will meet with good fortune. Don't be afraid to shake things up a bit. The ability to take corrective measures, when they are needed, is an essential trait of true leadership.

But those who bring discipline to bear must, above all, be honest - with others, and with themselves. Honesty is the hallmark of the strong and self-confident. The successful person masters the art of honesty much as a swordsman masters fencing. When lies, delusions and game-playing are getting in the way of teamwork, a swift sword of honest action, perhaps even punishment, must be wielded to protect one's integrity and values. Decisiveness with integrity at a time like this brings good fortune.

Though your actions be vigorous, they must not be hasty, severe, or arbitrary. Be sure to carefully consider all the circumstances. In the case of a serious disruption of relations or events, you must forgive, but not forget - at least until a person has made reparation for his mistakes. If corrective action is necessary, make certain that it fits the crime. When rules have become slack and useless, only through the institution of clear and swift penalties can their effectiveness be restored.

In situations where serious issues of justice are at stake, keep careful records, and do not hesitate to go public with the truth.

SO EMO RIGHT NOW

Jo Apps sang this tonight at Hot Breath Karaoke at my request. It started something deep inside of me. Which revved like an engine fuelled by double Frangelico's [my own plus the ones for Mr Chips cause he didn't like his mixed with coke] and the 2-4-1 Cocktails. I fucking changed gear by the end of the night when this came on:



And by the time I got home, Mr Chips has told me to "Fuck Off" and I was sobbing down the phone to The Twin "Ohhh my God I don't know what I am going to do!! His eyes are too close together!!!"

Already my hangover is starting to knock on my door. I am by no means sleepy after sleeping all day and not being able to sleep all night from coughing the last few nights.

Perhaps I should take the advice of the The Twin and just go to bed...

xx Lektrogirl

[P.S. this is sounding pretty tragic isn't it?! OJ LOL]

OMG and on a random note - Denzel Washington! I feel just like him when he is an alcoholic in that great movie - fuck what was it called?! I can't remember but I wrote about it before on my blog. I watched it with Seb in Hamburg. It was INCREDIBLE.

AN AGE OLD QUESTION

I always ask mbrain the same question "Can vegan's swallow?" cause he really razzed some girl once asking her the same question.

We spoke for a while on the topic and I have now done some research on the matter.

So from a piece on the Times Online by Dr Thomas Stuttford [mega paraphrasing]:

The Oxford Dictionary defines a vegan, as opposed to a vegetarian, as “a person who does not eat or use animal products”.

There could be hardly any substance that is more essentially animalian than semen, or one that has such an animal origin, even if the animal is your boyfriend.

Even if you didn’t swallow, you would still be using — by your standards — an animal product although you were not consuming it.

anyone who interprets being a [strict] vegan, all sex — whether oral, mutual masturbation or penetrative — that resulted in ejaculation would contravene your rules. This must be nonsense.

And Suzi Godson [mega paraphrasing]:

At Nerve, America’s coolest, smartest, most honest sex magazine (www.nerve.com), Tana, 29, a vegan for four years, navigates herself and her principles around this thorny issue by refusing to swallow “if the semen belongs to a guy who is not a vegan”. She has no problem with vegan semen and says that, as an aide to fellatio, a cream made from tofu is good.

Beer also sweetens the taste of semen and, fortunately, the big brands can be classified as vegan. Budweiser, Red Stripe Lager, Kirin, Cobra, Heineken Export, Hoegaarden, Rolling Rock, Beck’s and Kingfisher. Though beer isn’t the place you’d expect to find animal products, many are filtered with animal ingredients such as “isinglass” (derived from fish) or “bone char ” (charcoal derived from animal bones).

The filtering process leaves only trace animal residues in the final product, but if you are experiencing a moral dilemna about whether or not to swallow your boyfriend’s semen, then you sound like the kind of girl that this would matter to as well.


xx Lektrogirl

THE INTERNET

u

u u

OLD BUT STILL GOOD

And some spiritual acid contained within.

Do you think it is true that Eminem is now 300lbs?

xx Lektrogirl

THERAPY

I don't know if anyone has picked up on this at all but I LOVE R Kelly. It used to be that Showdown was my ultimate favourite track by R Kelly, but I've really got into some other tracks of his that I will share with you today. My advice is listen to them when you have a bad headache cause I find them really therapeutic.

I'm A Beast (Dirty)


I imagine Alex T also sings this song when he gets up in the morning.
Like Snoop Dogg did, it seems Kels has dabbled with the T-Pain style voice box vocals.

There is no denying that this is another one of R Kelly's epic tracks.

Real Talk (Dirty)


'I aint gave no-body no damn money, girl. Are you tweaking??!!'A brilliant slow jam that takes you on a great journey. Oh, the trials and tribulations of and R&B legend's love life. 'And the next time your ass get horny you can go fuck one of your funky assed friends. Hell, you probably doing that shit anyway!'

Real Talk (Dirty) Juke Remix


I LOVE R KELLY

xx Lektrogirl

NO, THIS IS REALLY THE WORST

This video is not suitable for minors, people who are a bit lightweight, or anyone who cant watch operations on TV.

It is seriously the GROSSEST THING EVER.



Someone's Aunty removed a subcutaneous cyst from the neck of their nephew THEN POST IT ON YOUTUBE. WTF I don't know. After the blackhead video from a few posts ago I was talking it over with someone on AIM and I decided I needed to know what actually a cyst. So I start to check it out. I regret ever searching for this kind of stuff.

* I NEARLY FAINTING WATCHING THIS - I HAD TO GO AND SIT ON THE SOFA WITH MY HEAD BETWEEN MY KNEES NO WORD OF A LIE
* THIS IS THE ONLY TIME I EVER HAD TO CLOSE A BROWSER WINDOW [admittedly it was right at the end after they had to tug at the cyst and hack the last bits off with a blade]
* 2 GIRLS 1 CUP IS A WALK IN THE PARK
If you are too feel woosey already here is the brief synopsis - a Mexican guy with tattoos over his neck has a giant cyst in the back of his neck and balls of stuff that look like chewed up wads of gum come out with every squeeze of the fingers of his loving Aunty.
LIKE WADS OF CHEWED UP CHEWING GUM

GROSS
GROSS
GROSS

Watch with caution.

Not only cause it is gross, but because you may develop an addiction like me to check out more of these kind of videos. I'm not going to post any more on my blog I promise BUT there was one guy who post a video and story about the cyst on his face that he popped, [from his post:] "It ended up getting infected, and my stepdad, who's a doctor, gave me the leftover antibiotics from the dog, cause I don't have any health insurance. They didn't really help and a few days later my face got TOTALLY infected. I could barely open my right eye cause it was so swollen and the muscles in the right side of my face wouldn't work. I ended up with a REALLY bad staph infection, and had to be put on the strongest antibiotics you can get without going to the hospital and getting an IV."

It's here if you really need to see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CaCSPhXZwU

Anyway - this is the last that I will say on the matter. Cause I actually am very squeamish.

xx Lektrogirl

SHOWERFACE

The is a photo of me that has been banned from every surfacing on the Internet of me demonstrating to DJ Assault what exactly a 'showerface' is. This picture is completely inappropriate for illustrating this post. I did take a picture for it - but my big computer has a virus, so I can't be bothered uploading with the laptop which is also on it's last legs BUT I HAD MY FIRST SHOWER YESTERDAY. What a glorious moment it was. And indeed - SHOWERFACE.

Today I spent fucking around trying to remove the fucking virus off the big computer - I want to do my online shopping, check my bank balances etc - all kinds of serious password protected stuff. So I have been Googling tunstur.dll and Vundo like a fanny to work out how to get rid of it. Not as easy as one would think.

Halfway through the day I was forced to leave it to meet my friend Dal at Balans for a G-A-Y brunch and a Bellini where we coulnt believe our eyes at the bear who sat next to us in the Tron t-shirt and the gayers at the table on the other side having a typical gayer conversation. After than we went cruising for gays in Heals and Habitat, after having stopped off in Next Home stores forcing each other to select something on each shelf we would have to have if we were given gift vouchers. I was totally entranced by the number of varieties of "fragranced orbs" [smelly bits of stick] to put in a bowl on the side table there were. I'm not that kind of girl.

Sorry this isn't such an interesting post, it has been a really long week and I'm kind of emotionally exhausted. Not my problems, but someone else's. I hope they are okay.

xx Lektrogirl

FLICKR DOCUMENTS ART

Because two gas men came to inspect all the gas fittings in the house for the landlord I was interrupted in my trail searching Flickr and now I can't remember how I got here. But check out the great signs for health that have been documented by Elishacookjr. AMAZING.













I love those kinds of posters. These particular ones remind me of a hairdresser in Zurich [that used to be on the same street as "Clit Care" the lesbian sex shop] with a sign outside with all the different kinds of hair styles painted on a board just like this with a number next to them all so you could ask for the different braids and fades. I know, Zurich doesn't sound really afrocentric does it?

Another odd place to find this kind of signage is in the stairwell of a squat in Dresden. The pictue of the blue one is a bit shit but Lu was starting to get a bit annoyed with me for stopping to take pictures of everything.




This dude looks like he is washing his hands in porridge with radioactive poos on his shirt.

I think that generally there should be more of this posters even here in London. They really are good to tek we yuself and help you avoid diseases that put u onnu bad mind.

xx Lektrogirl

LIFE IS A STEAMING BOWL OF SHIT

My father is famous for a lot of his quotes in my family, and the above was a regular in dad's catalogue. The tie in here is not about how I am feeling, but about the number of scat ref's I have had in as many days this weekend.

Superduck sent me this:

This is probably the biggest load of girlpoo ever featured on the internet and possibly in the world. Myranda Didovic (22) was constipated for little over a week due to I.B.S. when this scene was recorded.

And view images here. This is NOT for work unless you work in my office.

xx Lektrogirl

IMPROVEMENT

It's true - a new computer is definitely the way to this girls heart, a chillax on a sofa and some Pad Thai Jay. Oh and getting to bed and sleeping for a change. I also have learnt I got a lot of really supportive friends. I may die alone stinking of piss but I know my Inbox will be full of mails from people wishing me all the best. Last night I had some serious bullshit chats with Drx on Miranda - it was just like the old days - back in 2000! We discussed windabgenang (I think that is the Deutsch) and I explained to him about skid marks. The underpants variety. Good times.

Anyway - so I'm well refreshed on the number 4 into work. The house down the road that had the plain clothes cops a while ago chasing that guy with the pillow marks in his hair had three cops in uniform banging on the door in the rain. It was a bit weird last night actually - I had just got run over by the kid with the glasses on his bike (who looks like the biggest twerpy nerd but actually he is the biggest prick in the neighbourhood) and was relieved to finally make it home when down the road at the house in question, a woman saw two guys coming and raced inside and slammed the door.

Finally, I didn't know what to wear this morning so I have decided on a version of Tektonik. Now that Prancehall has finally got hoodies are out, in certain circumstances I think hoodies are definitely in. Still not with a collared shirt EXCEPT if the hoody is made from 30G cotton in a pastel colour and is worn with a white shirt and seer sucker shorts.

xx Lektrogirl

The G.A.

I am really looking forward to going home and seeing my Dad - The G.A. - for his birthday on the 28th of April. Here is a picture of him with my nephew Tom. They have the same date birthday and they are 79 years apart in age rocking the present Brains and I gave them last year.

My father is incredible. The G.A. is the biggest playa in da game.

Once after one of his treatments in hospital, he was having to have morphine that he was administering himself. He was riding the control for the morphine getting himself pumped right up and one of the nurses came in to tick him off about it. She said "Don't administer the morphine unless you are in pain." Dad just looked at her in the eyes and said "I'm in pain looking at you."

Here are some letters that he sent me and Brains once:



So my advice is to you all = watch out for the supernatural force coming to you from Barrington Centre Aged Care.

When I was growing up I got a lot of good advice from The G.A. - the best one was don't give a fuck about what anybody else thinks of you when you walk into a room, cause everybody is too busy worrying about what you think of them. My father also has the fastest SMS finger ever! Not bad for an 80 year old half paralysed dude in a wheelchair. If anyone wants personal advice from The G.A. on any problem be it love related, life, money, career, woodwork etc let me know and I will give you his mobile number. He's real good.