CRAZY DAY

opp7, originally uploaded by carsick.

Today was all weird!

And I think that even the dog Coco upstairs is feeling it cause it won't stop barking.

I was walking along the street today and saw this:



I was on my way to Archgate for the usual but ended up having a falafel instead - a big mistake I thought. Then when I got home, Alex T rang to tell me all about going to an Art gallery and the conversation ended with him promising to punch me in the stomach if I ever got pregnant by anyone which is a sweet relief cause I don't think I could handle going to the dry cleaner and asking for one of those horrible coat hangers [they also ruin your clothes]drinking gin and eating green paw paw all in a hot bath. I think I would rather have Alex T punch me in the guts as hard as he can. I would even like it if he took a little run up. How that conversation happened I don't know and on that note we rang off from one another and I went to Waitrose cause I'm cooking a lunch for a friend tomorrow. I hope it turns out good cause he is on a par with the food fascism. I am just as guilty. Though I can't say what I am making now cause it is meant to be a surprise.


NOT the fire I am about to talk about.

On my way to Waitrose though, an old man scrunched up a piece of paper and set it alight and buried it in a huge pile of dry twigs outside someone's apartment under an overhanging tree on Magdala Avenue. I just watched him do it. As the flames rose and started licking the tree I was on 999 straight away and calling telling them my story. The owners of the house came out in the meantime and threw some water and kicking the bush stamping out the fire. I went up to them and told them what I had seen the old dude do. He was still sitting at the bus stop watching what was going on. He started yelling that he didn't do it. The guys from the house were calling him a fucking mental. The fire truck arrived. I needed to poo [sorry TMI!] so I went off to McDonald's. Etc.



And speaking of weirdness! You'll never guess who Japper's fancies like mad!! HOUSE!!! She said he is totally DREAMY! And she said the reason she fancied him is cause he is like EXTREME XXCENSOREDXX. Fucking LOLZAPOLLOZA!! Really good one. I wonder if I have to XXCENSOREDXX more of that.



And in further weirdness, I had a Internet chat with a friend who was in an Internet café at a nudist beach where he was hanging out with his father and his father's boyfriend. If I thought about it too much, I started tripping.

Anyway I hope you had a happy day everyone cause mine was pretty awesome in it's own little way. I'm not going out tonight though I was going to go to that thing The Cardinal and Antoinette are going to - bugger what is it called?! Can't remember.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. I hope you appreciated the nice Flickr finds I have exhibited for you too.

WARNING WARNING

So the next link contains explicit sexual content and is not suitable for minors or for the workplace. It is an external link so technically I'm not responsible for the content there.

But check this video of this girl doing herself with a cucumber - and then listen to the 'lyrics' of the euro dance track selected to accompany it. An odd juxtaposition no?

And just for the record, a friend came over to drop off the keys to their house so I can check on it while they are travelling. I said "You know I don't really have anything to talk to you about any more. There isn't anything I want to tell you." My friend told me they saw the Sexual Seduction XXX Snoop Dogg video on YouPorn. So I looked at it and it was totally yawn. I just wanted to make it clear that YouPorn is not something I regularly look at.

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. this has reminded me of a funny story about an ex with a cucumber, butter and his bum that an ex of his did. Oh GOD mega lols. Some of the stories I have heard. Life is good folks. Life is good.

HERE'S MY FRIEND SARATEA

floridaoct, originally uploaded by saratea.

No relation to Alex, and only internet friends cause we never met. But I suspect sneakily from her pictures that we are quite similar.

I have to say a big thank you to Marisa and Sara though who both have commented on the most recent Leica selfportrait that I don't look ming.

Today has been totes weird. Well let's make that the last week. I feel like an eaten mango all turned inside out. I had to ask the Fambles to come over and just lie and watch TV with me for a half hour to get some normality back in my day. I spend too much time on my own in this house and end up telling people all kinds of dark things in the middle of the night that are too freaky [in a Rick James kind of way if he was into S&M] or crying over spilt milk.

Went to WORK IT with The Cardinal and Lord Fauntleroy, met up with Carri and bumped into Antoinette. Antoinette and I bragged about the fact we had no bra on each and flashed our boobs to each other then got a bit seductive with the dance moves - not overly though. Please don't start sending in requests for pictures YGM. I have to say however that if I was to turn that way inclines, Antoinette would be one of the first babes I hit on. Only after drinking a bottle of Malibu myself and plying her with another. Lord Fauntleroy pissed me off again by lecturing me on how shit Garage is and that it isn't a real dance music cause it is for the waist up only and proper dance music is for the waist down. For dancing like one of the Marley's. Then he did this very cool dance that illustrated his point succinctly. For such a total nerd he is a pretty special creature. But we both know that we are a total different species to one another so I don't think we will be going on a date any time soon. Nevertheless he is exactly the kind of friend I need. Except for the part where he told me I was a waist up dancer and he was disappointed. I told him that he was just cramping my style. Please Booty Carrell at this juncture stand up for me cause you know me so well.

xx Lektrogirl

OH YERRR AND FUCK ME - who was the cunt who thought it would be a funny idea to play Midnight Request Line or whatever that dubstep horror song is called and ruin my WHOLE party vibes. SO BAD. GIVE IT A FUCKING REST.

DELIRIUM / THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #10

I have spent the last days asleep, half awake, dreaming, imagining how I wish life was, dreaming, forgetting again, talking too late to randoms on facebook chats and now I am totally lost. I can't remember what I really said to anyone and what they really said to me. I would enjoy the feeling if it was accompanied by sore throat and sweaty brow!

I have had some really nice music sent to me [I know a bit weird but I was really into it at 5am the other night]



And I was reminded of some good times good jokes [I reckon I have watched this about 12 times]



I cried in Greek Street but was laughing by the time I got to Frith Street. Then I got to my street and delirium had started in.

Dad sent me another email:

From: John Davidson [mailto:XXCENSOREDXX@XXCENSOREDXX.com]
Sent: 14 July 2008 06:24
To: Emma Davidson
Subject: RE: appropos of sfa as usual except it passes the time talking to an intelligent person


One certainly gets tired of listening to the aged cough their lungs up, dribble, talk incessantly of their bowels, aches and pains, their children
who rarely come and see them, the 'orrible food, much of which appears to have passed thru a human body before,
(like mince on toast, brown, runny, smelly and sits on toast which has wiped a bottom . Suck it and see!. XXCENSOREDXX bloke sounds a bit suss? Not a criticism just a comment in passing. Knowing you, you prolly frighten the shite out of him? He might be a cock virgin? If you end up the duff you can always come home? I'll sign over my half the house to you so you can borrow some dough to start a business. DON'T GO BRAGGING THAT BIT OF INFO TO YER MA NOR SARA)D,H or i'll send a witch to give you warts on the private parts
Just eating a bag og Smiff's chips Original. BUT THEY AINT ORIGINAL because the original used to have twist paper with salt in, nearly 80 years ago. Jesus your old pa is getting a bit aged. Still God's Chosen, the Pope. is 81, He wears red slippers. I wonder wot colour his drawers are? Dpes the pope have to wipe his bum. or does he have a bumboy?Cheers Darling daughter. Try not to scare shite out of yer dere ol' dad. Keep safe. PaXXXX

Just for the record I don't know where The G.A. gets the idea about the getting pregnant stuff from! Totally random. Cause I didn't say anything about that to him! Jesus. Even my own father calls me a slut. But then everything I learnt about sex I learnt from him anyway. I remember him drawing anatomical diagrams in the columns next to his crossword puzzle for me. I remember also sitting in the dining room when I was a kid listening to Dad in the living room talking to Grandpa talking about all the women they had sex with when they were younger. They thought they were being really discreet but they were both deaf they were practically yelling at one another.

Okay friends I feel that if I go on, I will be writing more than I should and my astrology told me today to be more circumspect... LOL

xx Lektrogirl

P.S. If anyone wants to bring me some food please do.

SEX MUSIC PLAYLIST

Roachford: Cuddly Toy

Oh it is big jokes in my crew about the Air Commodore's mate Dan who's sex music playlist was the Roachford album featuring Cuddly Toy as recently as 2001. It is claimed he now listens to Grammy award winning John Legend. I wonder if Dan ever listened to Are U Gonna Go My Way by Lenny Kravitz cause it is kind of on the same tip as Roachford.

xx Lektrogirl

GOOD FOR PUNCHING

, originally uploaded by sannah kvist.

My 6 year old nephew called me up tonight to tell me that he has watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [the movie] on DVD and that he electrocuted himself on the electric fence at his school. He goes to a farm school and gets to check out ducks and sheep and go on hay rides and stuff.

He has burn marks on his fingers like he was snipping at the fence using his fingers as scissors. That will teach him to mess around with electric fences! He said that it felt like his fingers exploded. He sounded pretty impressed with himself. He left out the part his mum told me later that his teachers note home after the incident said he took a long time to stop howling...

I finally saw the end of Dark Habits tonight. Definitely my favourite Almodovar movie in my Almodovar marathon. Another sad ending all about love and loss and longing. Which I think is a theme in everybody's life - and one of my favourites. Watching a nun wailing at the loss of her love was very satisfying.



Last night's movie, Matador, that I watched with Covvo was about death and sensuality. About primal urges. Some AMAZING outfits on the lead character - the lawyer who fucks men and kills them by stabbing them in the back of the neck with a specially crafted hair pin that looks not unlike a kebab skewer. Covvo and I knew we were in for a treat in the opening scene of this movie. The lead male character was jerking off to a movie of women being brutally murdered in horror films with just the death scenes having been edited together.



Antonio Banderas was also in this one as a psychic student matador who confesses to the murders of the other two... Banderas was looking pretty hot in his grey sweats on the hospital bed. But in the Almodovar movie Law of Desire he was SUPER HOT. I was really shocked. He has lost a lot with age.

Anyway - in town today picking up the final copy of Dark Habits and walking through Soho I noticed I was flinching whenever anyone moved to quickly through my personal space and it made me feel freaked out like I was gonna get robbed again. Hopefully this will soon pass.

xx Lektrogirl

THE JOHN DAVIDSON FAN CLUB #7

the cushion is on the chair Dejong's grandfather died in and he(your ex boy friend!) passed on to me. It is worn and tatty but is big enough to accommodate my arse. I quite often fall into a nap in it. I have had to find another hiding place for me pisso bags, since the pisso sister discovered where I hid rhem. The 'f' slag. I wouldn't pee on her if she was on fire, or touch her knockers if I had rubber gloves on. Jesus a man would have to be hard up.
GLAD YOU'VE GOT SOME GOOD MATES(fuck) Specially Max. Hard to believe that you are so near the house i spent a fair bit of my youth in. All three brothers have climbed the kindof steps around the front door to get into room over the front porch. We were all hell-bent to stick a bit into a bird called Angela. Mrs Shaw's niece, who was deh-initely a bit of a nymph. I reckon I must have told you about Bob giving her one against her front door(knee-trembler)wehen he heard mum coming up the stairs belo0w him. B ob dispensed his 'rice-pudding onto the carpet and bent down and covered it with the doormat, before ma saw his antics. Another time the old man heard Peter making his way down to her bedroom, so the 'old man' went hell-bent after him some minutes later. When fathwer got to the room he was stunned to find that P had used two frangers in such short time. Good luck to both of them. I'm stuffed if I know why,how, we didn't put her up the duff. We were eventually invited to her wedding to some poor barstard, though Mrs Shaw gave the three of us a bollocking for getting into a corner with her bottle of Drambhui Liquor! Being young wasn't real bad. Being old is a bastard!
If you went up the stairs in 55 till you came tho the penultimate flight. you would walk into the kitchen straight in front and the bathroom on the left' I the corner between the 2 door my old man had puta small shelf about bottom height.One day mum's maid, one Beryl ENGLEFIELD was poncing about like a horny woman so I hoisted arse up on to the shelf and gave her one. What did I hear but ma plodding up the stairs. Jesus! I managed to do me duty , whipped it out and ducked into the bathroom. I left Beryl there clutching at her skirt and drawers in a bit of a fever. But Ma either decided NOT to see, or thought the scene too distasteful to comment upon, because Beryl returned to work the next day, whereon I finished the job on my own bed. What a bastard yer dear old Popsie was/is?
Lunch calls buddy. We're in lock down. no visitors until the wog that spewed and crapped about 50% of the inmates subsides.
Thanks 4 the email. made my day, li ttle mate. Cheers, frae yer pa thedirty old b

THE BORING ONE

Dear Mathieu

In celebration of our conversation this evening, I have decided to curate a new Blog exhibition called THE BORING ONE with some of my favourite pictures from Valeria aka the 'boring' one. Who as you know, I prefer to your last girlfriend known as 'the boy'. As for poor Julie, I am sure she would prefer to remain out of all of this.

So, for the grand opening of THE BORING ONE, please scroll down to view the pictures I have selected. Which you have already seen a thousand times before.

On curating this exhibition:
I love the internet. I love that people post the post intimate things on there. The most public domain. And then, often in private, thousand of people look at it. Thousands of people could all be looking at it in private all at the same time. It is mind boggling. I love it. There is no privacy any more. I love looking for people's secrets.

Et Voila.

THE BORING ONE
Photographs by .valeria


fantôme
Taken on May 26, 2008


Tu as dit laisse-moi te mettre dans un taxi si tu rentres chez toi dans cette tenue tu vas te faire violer et tuer et on retrouvera ton corps au bois de Boulogne.
Taken on April 30, 2008


ce n'est pas privé c'est un portrait/ I need you to hold on while the sky is falling
Taken on September 8, 2007


Taken on January 2, 2008


laideur fascinante de la décoration des hôpitaux
Taken on January 11, 2008


DSC09767
Taken on January 11, 2008


DSC08439
Taken on November 30, 2007


that night I fell asleep with the light on
Taken on October 4, 2007

POST SMOOCH

Well after being smooched to death a little while ago [but kept my lacey knickers on]and getting quite hot under the hood of my casual Ralph Lauren striped hoodie, I was only left to wonder, as I was leaning over my table trying to write a map back to the tube station whilst being manhandled, if the gent in question was an A, B, C, D or E.



xx Lektrogirl

MY UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOURS

It's 3.50am and I'm blogging from my phone. Let me tell you what really bugs me about my upstairs neighbours. One of them REALLY snores really loud. It doesn't help that I had fantastic coffee at Sean Paul's girlfriend's house last night keeping me awake - or that my head is bouncing around between spiritual taxi rides, apologies, wanting to have a baby (I KNOW!!!), wondering 'what ifs', wondering where my life will go next. But I would actually prefer to hear my neighbours fucking than the mronic breathing of someone who is reatively hot.

i still don't know the name of their child - Coco the dog is still there - but I saw the child with his mum outside the Whittington and it's a boy. Coco is definitely not a good name for a guy unless he's a clown.

i think they have woken themselves up with their snorig. I might try sleeping again. And with a bit of luck, the neighbours might start having a fumble - cause it is about that time of night, isn't it.

xx Lektrogirl

FAKE ASS NIGGAZ ON MYSPACE

And the latest from {Dance Pg}DEM BOYZ can get U(_)U FILL IT N



You can see that they are making nice use of the Window Movie Maker there. And also in this video as well!



xx Lektrogirl

I'M A BEAST

One of my favourite R Kelly tracks is "I'm A Beast". But is he?



So following the R Kelly trial on the Chicago Tribune Video's I note with interest the advertisement linked with the video is from a bedding company with images of little children bouncing all over the mattresses. Please no.



Here is the incredible coverage of the most important show business story since God only knows when.



So some important information relevant to the case:

Apparently the man in the video who is allegedly R Kelly does NOT had a mole on his back which is clearly visible on the real R Kelly.

Also Backstreet Boys are playing in the background when the alleged sex acts took place. I mean durrr... Wouldn't R Kelly play R Kelly?!

Sad to note:

R Kelly is really a bad dresser. He isn't a P.I.M.P. at all in the courthouse. He should have gone to Savile Row.

xx Lektrogirl

AN AGE OLD QUESTION

I always ask mbrain the same question "Can vegan's swallow?" cause he really razzed some girl once asking her the same question.

We spoke for a while on the topic and I have now done some research on the matter.

So from a piece on the Times Online by Dr Thomas Stuttford [mega paraphrasing]:

The Oxford Dictionary defines a vegan, as opposed to a vegetarian, as “a person who does not eat or use animal products”.

There could be hardly any substance that is more essentially animalian than semen, or one that has such an animal origin, even if the animal is your boyfriend.

Even if you didn’t swallow, you would still be using — by your standards — an animal product although you were not consuming it.

anyone who interprets being a [strict] vegan, all sex — whether oral, mutual masturbation or penetrative — that resulted in ejaculation would contravene your rules. This must be nonsense.

And Suzi Godson [mega paraphrasing]:

At Nerve, America’s coolest, smartest, most honest sex magazine (www.nerve.com), Tana, 29, a vegan for four years, navigates herself and her principles around this thorny issue by refusing to swallow “if the semen belongs to a guy who is not a vegan”. She has no problem with vegan semen and says that, as an aide to fellatio, a cream made from tofu is good.

Beer also sweetens the taste of semen and, fortunately, the big brands can be classified as vegan. Budweiser, Red Stripe Lager, Kirin, Cobra, Heineken Export, Hoegaarden, Rolling Rock, Beck’s and Kingfisher. Though beer isn’t the place you’d expect to find animal products, many are filtered with animal ingredients such as “isinglass” (derived from fish) or “bone char ” (charcoal derived from animal bones).

The filtering process leaves only trace animal residues in the final product, but if you are experiencing a moral dilemna about whether or not to swallow your boyfriend’s semen, then you sound like the kind of girl that this would matter to as well.


xx Lektrogirl

SEX & MORNING MUSIC

So finally the sun is up and you are all probably on your way to work. I wish I could share a cup of tea with you and anyone in my back garden.



If I could could eggs like this perfectly every time I would.

I would play some music for you.



Sexual Healing - Hot 8 Brass Band




Perfect High - Peppermint Lounge


And once I had post my photos from the toilets at the George and Dragon where we will probably never meet, some guy will post comments on my Flickr and I will feel totally violated

Sex Attack - Appareil



in a way I never thought possible. But actually I have d/l quite a number of his images to Photoshop friends faces onto should I ever need to.

xx Lektrogirl

NOT SUITABLE WITH A HANGOVER

As I have said many times before - Ramiro sends me the best YouTube videos.

This one I found on my own. Listen to the obsessions of the people involved.



I am now going to go an puke in a bucket for about three hours. 2 Girls 1 Cup might be more explicit, but in terms of grossness, it has NOTHING on this cause this cannot be faked. It is like 2000 VICE magazine gross jars rolled into one video.

xx Lektrogirl

Can I just reiterate again I feel so sick.

THE LAST DANCE

Well the other night was Abbie and Lee's going away party before they move to Berlin at the end of the week. I was sexual as ever.


Sadie, Cardinal and I say cheese but in our hands you can see two glasses of Millers Gin. Thanks to Cardinal, my life is changed. The world's best gin. I didn't even have a hangover or cry one self pitying tear. Maybe it wan't gin but pure liquid delight!


When I look at pictures of myself like this I see why I have developed The PhotoFace [TM]. Here Richard and I are imagining all the deviant positions Cardinal was being lured into with the array of men and couples who were coming up to her and buying her drinks. NONE of our scenarios were as bizarre as to what happened to me later in the evening.

One guest of the party, let's call him Alexander, arrive with three friends. One of the friends was a beautiful Polish girl, who's name I never found out. She was dressed in a look I would describe as Matisse Woman in a Red Room vs. Ken Done in silks and and a fake fur. So for the purpose of this story, her name is Matisse. There was another girl, who was dressed all in black with bright red lipstick. Her nose was a bit hooky. Her name can Meredith. She is also Polish so probably that wasn't her name. I could not tell which girl was Alexander's girlfriend - Matisse or Meredith. One minute he was dirty dancing with one, the next minute with the other, then the girls were kissing passionately on the lips. The last of the group, a very tanned French man in a grey woollen waistcoat with an incredible double zipper pocket detail was from Nice and Cannes but he was sick of it there. He told me my hair needed cutting. I just needed to go to the salon and ask for the French one. He was the only French guy there. Then it seemed that Meredith was his girlfriend - the were kissing and dancing. Meredith leaned in and told me that she had only met the French man that day. Matisse came from the bathroom with a bow of toilet paper around her head. She sat next to me and we began to talk. She asked Meredith if she was a bitch. Meredith replied how sweet she was and began stroking her hair. The pair of them kissed again. Matisse told me that Meredith was her sister. Then Alexander came over and Matisse had her hand up his top, while Meredith had her hand down his pants. They left, then Matisse returned to tell me how lovely it was to meet me. As I had no intention of becoming a fifth in their group I said 'Yes' and nothing more. But laughed to myself about how I attract these crazy people whenever I am around Lee and Abbie... A nice well brought up girl like me...


I was pleased to find out that my Bettina Rheims La Chambre Close book was now worth a lot of money. So I decided against pulling some pages out to frame and put on the wall. I will make a trip to the photocopy shop with it instead.

My four year old niece has started taking pictures herself. Here is a portrait of her two year old brother Tom:


She is also adding make up artistry to her CV:


And the last news from home, other than my father calling me a fucking Punjabi via SMS the other day [today he told me to tell my evil fork tongued mother to get fucked... such a charmer...] is Sam has lost his two front teeth.



Oh God - it feels like 4am and it is only 9.30pm

xx Lektrogirl

PHALLIC

Today while I was washing dishes I was thinking about guys who after you have had sex with them at some point - usually at a super casual moment - ALWAYS ask how big their penis is in comparison to other guys. Well no - they don't always ask, put this in the sentence: IF A GUY REALLY LIKES YOU, he will always ask you about his penis. If a guy has a big dick, he wants to know it is the biggest. If his dick is small, he wants to know how small. If his dick is neither big nor small he wants you to tell him it is bigger than normal. If his dick is bent, he hopes you don't notice.

The reason why I was thinking about this though was because I had been talking about Bratwurst sausages earlier that day with Abbie and Lee and was cooking some that night for dinner.


I wish my German was better than my French. But I guess everything happens for a reason. [Yes I eat this kind of food as often as possible. I could never be a Jew. Well except for the fact that my mother is also not Jewish.]


Look at this hot pig trying to seduce you into eating products made from him! Sexual! This is the bag from the German Deli down and Borough Market.

And while I am being all M&S about food, I was in Le Péché Mignon the other day - they know me know cause they saw what I wrote about their prickly lettuce and make jokes with me about it! I actually felt a bit embarrassed. I know! Me! - for a croque monsieur [obvs] and while I was there I was looking for some crème de marrons but instead I found these confitures - Les Confitures Extra de Christine Ferber - Morrello cherry or Apricot 'nougat' with Almonds, Honey, Pine Nuts and Pistachio.

Like I died and went to Heaven.

xx Lektrogirl

DON'T FORGET THIS

Don't forget this video I post last August! I just found it again by accident and laughed and laughed.



Watch out for this on Valentine's Day!

xx Lektrogirl

FLICKR DOCUMENTS ART

Because two gas men came to inspect all the gas fittings in the house for the landlord I was interrupted in my trail searching Flickr and now I can't remember how I got here. But check out the great signs for health that have been documented by Elishacookjr. AMAZING.













I love those kinds of posters. These particular ones remind me of a hairdresser in Zurich [that used to be on the same street as "Clit Care" the lesbian sex shop] with a sign outside with all the different kinds of hair styles painted on a board just like this with a number next to them all so you could ask for the different braids and fades. I know, Zurich doesn't sound really afrocentric does it?

Another odd place to find this kind of signage is in the stairwell of a squat in Dresden. The pictue of the blue one is a bit shit but Lu was starting to get a bit annoyed with me for stopping to take pictures of everything.




This dude looks like he is washing his hands in porridge with radioactive poos on his shirt.

I think that generally there should be more of this posters even here in London. They really are good to tek we yuself and help you avoid diseases that put u onnu bad mind.

xx Lektrogirl

MS PAINT PORN

Oh God! My mind is totally fucking BLOWN!! MS PAINT PORN.

NOT IDEAL FOR WORK, FREAKS

How about Hitler Farting on an Alien?!



Slut takes a giant black dildo in the cunt Fat ugly bitch rides fencepost Green haired boy plays with pink dildo Blonde loves her big red dildo Hardcore lesbian SAUCEPAN ACTION Blonde has fun with a big dildo Girl has a flaming candle up her ass
Lesbians go at it with double ended dildo Dominatrix fucks her boyfriend in the ass with a strapon



AND MORE HERE!!!

WAKEY WAKEY

I woke up this morning after the most weird dreams I have had for a long time. Basically, Prancehall and I became friends like true playas and his family lived under my appartment. I had really luxurious cream carpet. Even so, I could hear Prancehall or his father coughing through the floorboards. Then I was in this large place like a school - it was like my college in Tasmania but the rooms had been upgraded since I was there. I went into the toilet and my mother had written this note about the toilet paper blocking the toilets and there was bloody toilet paper wrapped around the handle for flushing the toilet. Later I walked in on Prancehall who had just done his own poo while talking to Venom who was just in a little cupboard room next door. I told Prancehall to flush the toilet. It was full of poo and blood and paper. Anyway - then through the rest of the dream where I was waiting for Roxy to get her laptop, talking on the phone and then he appeared in front of me the US agent for Katharine Hamnett and calling Prancehall on the mobile even though he was in the same room cause we were friends now and it seemed like mega fun.

So - lets look at yesterday's events which led me to be dreaming like this.

After a LOOOOOOONG day at the office - tantrums, tears, bollockings etc it was the work Christmas party. We got free tickets to Les 7 Doits Circus or whatever it was at The Roundhouse. Thank God we didn't pay and everyone was pretty dissapointed. There was like only one really hot guy who took his top off. Then we went to The Mango Room for our work Christmas dinner. For the record I want it to be known that I had opted for dinner and cocktails at Julie's and I never agreed to the trapese show to music like Cold Play. Came home wanting to kill myself after the most hideous day ever.


Jess from work. 'Dont get on my bad siiiiiide"


My dinner - Goat Curry. Just like Sean Paul cooks me when I back at his.

I continued a conversation on AIM with Prancehall and Venom that I had started earlier under the table at the christmas dinner. Basically, after ascertaining the true circumstances in which Prancehall told Venom I'm selfish, Prancehall was trying to convince me that either one of my friends should get with Venom OR I should get with Venom. And the only reason why Venom acts so weird and awkward around me is cause he really likes me. So then I asked Venom and he said "You wish you are old and have an ugly minge and are probably a bad shag." Maybe Prancehall and Venom should try it out together. Prancehall obvs really likes Venom so much so he is trying to get Venom to have sex so that he can go home and obscess about being cupid. Maybe even sexually obscess. Who knows. Venom spends half his time hating me or liking me. Maybe I am selfish cause I only like Venom when he is liking me. We also discuss Venom's recent toilet troubles.

Then when I got to bed I reviewed all text messages I got from friends today that dont require urgent attention - as I usually do - and replied to one from Alex T where I told him what a bummer my day had been and how Prancehall had just been trying to convince me to have sex with venom. Alex T's thoughtful response was "Go On! I heard he has a dick like a coke can." Again for the record - firstly: this doesn't actually sound that appealing and secondly: I have slept with two guys who had dicks not unlike this description before. I know what I like and what I don't. When I realised Alex T wasn't joking I called him back to ask for his address. I'm gonna store it up and kill him later. [Actually FYI if Alex T actually get's murdered in his bed - I'm not actually going to shank him.]

Oh God - am reminding myself of so many things I could write about here. Here is a list reminder: Karl, Smiler, Movie about the woman getting stabbed in the back, To Pimping!, Denzel Washington, more efficient without cotton on the body.

I have to get to work. I told myself before I started I could only type for 15 minutes.

xx Lektrogirl

ONE FOR THE LADIES

Last night I couldn't help but feel a bit sheepish about the amount of fun I was having with three other girlfriend's in a restaurant talking about men and the similarities to that TV show Sex In the City with the horse faced once that I never really got into.

Oh how we laughed!!

Look - no fillings! [and a VINTAGE milk fed t-shirt FYI for anyone who knows anything]

This is my cacking myself at Sarah Lee [who is an amazing photographer who does a lot of stuff for the shop] who can't throw signs with ease - but she is very good and making shadow puppets of dogs who could adopt the personality of various past lovers from Pippa, Jasmine and I. My lord - we laughed till we cried telling each other the calls from the vinegar strokes: Sarah told of a man who said "It's coming" in the same tone of voice as Prince Charles when he saw a really ugly building. I told of a man who said "There you go" when he shot his load, but I also heard him use the same phrase on the phone to his mother when then were cracking each other up! Jasmine had a fella say "I've got a surprise for you". Pippa was more of a lady about divulging her tales but the ladylike behaviour dropped to the wayside when she cackled at the rest of our stories. We also discussed size, impotency and a variety of other men's health problems [their brains...] But I can't divulge more. Cause that would be telling.

We ate at a restaurant of Sarah's choice - a tapas place in Mornington Crescent.

I've been a bit lax photographing things lately but I remembered to take a photo of our food after it was mostly finished. I ordered roast beetroot with onions and chestnuts, fennel with spinach and pinenuts and chicory salad. I nicked a lot of Sarah's chorizo and she nicked all the pine nuts.

Pippa named her sardines Sylvia and Little Joe. No surprise then that she couldn't eat the fish named after her son...


We weren't even drunk but we spent ages taking pictures of ourselves with these brooches. All the amazing ones - of people looking horrendous had to be deleted but there were some real corkers! What is actually unbelieveable about this is that I sat there doing possibly the most retarded thing I've done in ages and I was missing CSI and Law and Order at home. Thank god I made it back for Criminal Minds!!

And today I have a lot of web work to try and do for Maria, and mountain of laundry and sorting my house out. If anyone wants to come and clean the floors - they need mopping - I'll pay them £20 for an hours work.

xx Lektrogirl

TOTALLY BROKEN HEARTED

So yes it is true. Someone can dump you and then dump you again without having even got back with you. A certain exhusband who will remain nameless, will remain nameless cause is name isn't worth repeating right now unless it is with a sign of derision. It's OK. He is going to the movies with other girls these days. And I always hated the cinema. The girlfriend before me called him the VORTEX OF PAIN. I laughed really smugly thinking "Oh how could this girl be so awful..." But now the joke is on me.

From this:


To this:


But it's all cool. I was totally totally broken hearted. Then I got an email from The Mafia today. She said:

but - girl - u did e-v-er-y--h-i-n-g in the world u could do!!!!!
any other woman would have dumped him over a year ago!
and u tried!
I think it#s really tough and a sign, that you have a huge heart and lots of love and
that u can remember and u still have that. maybe that's the best of it...

And it is true. Bitch Ass Darius said something similar to me once waiting for the Eurostar that made me cry.

I got good friends. Even nameless. I got home today to find he had come over and done all my dishes. What a weirdo. But I know he still loves be.

BUT LIKE THE FLIRTS SANG FOR BOBBY ORLANDO: CALLING ALL BOYS!! IT'S OFFICIAL!! I'M SINGLE!!

I'm not the type that easily crys
But I must admit there was
a tear in my eye.
Now I know that I love
you and I'll know I'll
be true too.
Calling all boys
I'm calling all boys - I love you
I do.
Calling all boys
I'm calling all boys - I need you
I do.

No
I'm not the type that
easily swayed but I must
admit that I wanted to
stay
Yes
I know that I want you
and I'll always be
true too.
Calling all boys
I'm calling all boys - I love you
I do. . . .
Hey boys
I think your cute in
tight blue jeans and
French cut suits.
Outta sight

outta mind
your quite a catch your quite a find.
Ooh
you're slick
ooh
you're chic
you're so hot
you're so sleek.
You got class
you got style
I've wanted you all the while.
I'm not the type that
easily crys but I must
admit there was a tear
in my eye.
Now I know that I love
you and I'll know I'll
be true too.
Calling all boys
I'm calling all boys - I love you
I do. . . .



Oh HOLY SHIT... I just remembered this!!

I could make a dozen bad jokes about nameless here about who he ain't.

xx Lektrogirl

SEXE - My French VICE

Here is something I wrote that was included in the first edition of French VICE Magazine.

SEXE
Grâce à Brigitte Bardot, les Français ont eu le monopole du sexe pendant des millénaires. En réalité, ils ne font que parler de sexe et parler et parler et parler... Et pendant qu'ils jouent à la pauvre petite chose romantique avec une ame complexe et torturée, la meuf s'ennuie et se demande quand elle va enfin pouvoir se faire mettre. L'autre truc, c'est que les Francais adorent l'adultère. Ils font ça d'une façon tres typique qui comprend des crises des larmes, des cigarette roulées fumées à la chaine et des centaines d'expressos.
Les Anglais sont plutôt du genre, on parle trois secondes au pub, on baise rapide dans un voiture pourrie. Le mec dépose la grosse meuf en larmes dans le parking. Puis, elle va se taper le barman dans une ruelle entre deux poubelles et finit avec deux enfants à charge dont le beau-père est alcoolique. Les Allemands, eux, ont beau se sentir coupables à cause d'Hitler, ils n'arrêtent pas de baiser comme des lapins sans en faire toute une histoire. Alors, qu'avant même de t'embrasser les Français se sentent obligés de te raconter qu'ils sont encore traumatisés par le jour où leur mamam leur a mis une tape parce qu'ils avaient renversé de la grenadine sur le canapé du salon.



In other news:

DJ Magic and Brains had lunch the other day at House of Wings. Apparently Magic had 12 wings and woofed 'em down.

xx Lektrogirl